Red Flag: Can travel but can't accommodate

[Deleted Member]

When they say, "I can travel but I can't accommodate" ~

When their profile says, "not single" ~

Red Flag

Once upon a time I played with married men.
I was naive enough to soak up the attention they dished out. 

I was willing to believe that our connection was a lifeline that 'saved' Him from the misery of His sexless relationship at home. I spent 18 months hanging off every text that He sent me and making do with a few hours together when He could sneak away from His wife. He told me I was special, I was amazing, I was incredible. So little self-worth of my own that I needed that. 

But it wasn't precious. She would always have the ultimate claim on His time and His body and mind. 

If you've ever lived as The Other Woman, wait until you are in a crisis and you find yourself alone because his #1 family have prior plans. 

I don't want you to feel sympathy for me. 

I want you to know that it's just fucked up. 

Fucked up people cheat or participate in cheating. 

 

_______________________________________

*a real conversation between myself and a bloke on fetish whose profile says he's SINGLE*

Me: "Are you married?"

Bloke on Fetish: "Not married but have a partner"

Me: "Does your partner know you're active on this site?"

Bloke on Fetish: "No she does not"

Me: "OK bye"

Bloke on Fetish: "Why?" 

Me: {seriously?? he's actually asking me why??} "Well, what are you looking for by being here? I'm curious"

Bloke on Fetish: "I'm looking for a perverted partner in crime"

Me: "You mean you're planning to cheat on your wife?"

Bloke: "Not married just live together"

Me: .......

Bloke: "You in a ***?"

________________________________________

 

I have male friends on this site who are also experiencing this with women they meet here. So this isn't another "all men are trash" post (I'll probably write one of those later - jk). 

Is it because they *really really really* want to try out some kinky stuff and their partner isn't interested? And they feel that coming to this site looking for it is justified? 

Coz then I get ***ved that people seem to think that being a kinkster means you have low morals. I can see why they might think that. It's how we, as a community, used to be judged. But it's not how I want us to be seen. In fact, the people I've met in kink - the real ones - are some of the most ethical I've ever known. Because practicing BDSM demands it. Trust is required. Deep, sexy, erotic trust. Mmmm. 

Your partner at home deserves your trust. I'm not here to fulfil your kinky fantasies or be your "perverted partner in crime". 

[Deleted Member]

This is true. Woow thanks for sharing this. It so true. It even made me wake up. This was health even for me! I mean woow. Sorry but this was real a eye-opening for me. To be true in your heart and then play to someone else just using your dream as a hobby with someone that truly looking for true feeling..

Yea that's hurts. Even reading it. Thanks you ❤️

Edited February 20, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Ar****]

Love this. Preach it, all the way ❤

[qu****]

From the opposite side I've found its worse when I say I can't accommodate due to living with my mum, it's like a stampede of wilderbeest. But I'm in no way making light of the play away brigade, it's not big and it's not clever

[Leisa]

You obviously learned a lesson that some still need to know. Essentially when you get involved with someone already in a relationship it’s difficult. For me I could not do it as ethically and in the very soul of my being I’m mono and cannot share my mate with another. It’s tough enough being in this lifestyle, living it daily in an authentic way. While it caused *** in your life ultimately you had the strength of self to know you deserved better. It’s one thing to go into a D/s relationship where both are on the same wavelength in heart and mind. It’s completely different going into one knowing that your partner will always want and need someone else. Best of luck in your journey.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

Love this. Preach it, all the way ❤

Thank you sweetie

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Leisa said:

You obviously learned a lesson that some still need to know.

Best of luck in your journey.

Thank you Leisa 💜
 

As an aside, and not preaching at your comment about being mono, it was exploring polyamory that taught me that THIS kind of cheating is wrong. The poly community refer to it as Ethical Non-Monogamy and they are the most honest and ethical people when it comes to relationships. 

It taught me that if you want to play with other people, you should do it within an honest framework, such as polyamory. If all parties do not agree, then you don't play away. Simple as that. 

But I do'nt mean to imply that monogamy is wrong or lesser than polyamory. Just that unethical monogamy is fucked up. 

[sk****]

I hear what your saying and have experienced similar however sometimes there are genuine reasons why this can happen; a few years ago I was approached by a Dom who’s wife’s medical condition meant she was no longer sexually active, with her consent (I actually met her) we entered into a D/s relationship and had a happy 18 months together

[Deleted Member]

Quite literally just had a guy wanting fun on the side while their partner has no idea. I just don't understand it, if your partner isn't sexually compatible or enough for you that you cheat but claim to love them then if that's what counts as love these days I don't want it. Much happier when everyone's on the same page, no secrets and lies.
Also sometimes feels like you mentioned that because we are on here or looking for a certain kind of kink that we will be happy being a side piece to pick up and drop while they go home to cuddle up to their partner. Super frustrating.

[Deleted Member]

Very well said and I applaud your courage and honesty by admiring you made a mistake but your using it to warn others.
Put simply any relationship, kinky or not, is founded on trust and when you form one with someone who you know is lying to someone else they claim to love it's not a great start.
Obviously I'm talking only about cases where there is no consent from the other person so it is actual cheating.

[Kriss123]

I was genuinely happy to see this post.Evidence that a Rose more than once during a lifetime.

[ey****]

Ironically I'm also under can travel; can't accommodate    Though my wife knows I'm here (part the problem is this flat is just too damn small haha)

This is obviously something that does limit options; but then everything limits options anyway.

But ok; yep... I do ultimately agree the "can travel / can't accommodate" is a red flag.  Certainly a case of "OK, but why?" and, honestly, there's a big timewaster element also at play.

Gather round, it's story time haha....

Many years ago (like, 7) I joined another website and on a forum relating to Splosh there was an "introduce yourself" sticky thread.  Which I did.

There were 3 guys who contacted me in PM and I was chatting with some of them - and the concept of play came up.  Now, I'm not really into playing with guys - and - to be honest, I think they just wanted to kinda do sploshing with someone, so not on their own, rather than anything as a sexual preference.   And, I did some thinking and remembered how hard it can be to sometimes find someone, so - OK, I said... let's discuss something.

It came up that the guy I was talking to couldn't accommodate.  Don't know why.  But, neither can I.  Like, the flat is small and to be honest I didn't want a stranger coming in - making a mess (literally!) presumably fucking off without cleaning and leaving a smell for days. No ta.

So, we discussed booking a hotel room.  Except he was skint so couldn't put towards it.... or any of the splosh ingredients... but frequently wanted to talk through "what we might do"

No. Nothing.  I don't really want to talk through a possible scene until it's likely to happen - and if you aint paying for it, I'm not wanting to be out of pocket, let alone paying, to help you out - for fucks sake.

-

Now, I'm also aware this is a big problem with those playing away.  A lot actually don't really want to play away.  Some do.  But, a lot are very happy to just use you to get off without ever meeting.  Any possible meet date, there'll be a "suddenly have to work" or "my wife suspects something" (maybe even feigning she found out) or dog, cat, child, second cousin suddenly sick/ill/missing.  There's always something.

 

[Ex****]

If any male/female wants to enter in to anything to do with bdsm needs to be totally honest from the start of anything that is agreed between both parties. There are a lot of impressionable people on here, that are new to bdsm and so those that prey just to get a kick of having an affair need to *** off. It really does annoy me that people play with other peoples emotions which can cause serious mental health problems. Those that are married/living with somebody and not happy with what they have got need to either separate from there partner/wife/husband or try and sort out the relationship.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, skylinegirl said:

I hear what your saying and have experienced similar however sometimes there are genuine reasons why this can happen; a few years ago I was approached by a Dom who’s wife’s medical condition meant she was no longer sexually active, with her consent (I actually met her) we entered into a D/s relationship and had a happy 18 months together

If it's with consent, that's fine. I have heard of situations like this. Consent means it's ethical. 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Aries91 said:

Also sometimes feels like you mentioned that because we are on here or looking for a certain kind of kink that we will be happy being a side piece to pick up and drop while they go home to cuddle up to their partner. Super frustrating.

I also find this a frustrating assumption. 

[Bo****]

I cheated on my ex for many years before we finally separated and divorced. It always felt great in the moment and then I fet lower than dirt the moment I got off.

For me, it was a critical need for validation.

For many, many years I was what’s known as an “anxious” attacher, which means that I am very good at detecting changes in other people’s emotions and then ascribe those changes to myself. Anxious attachers often seek out “avoidant” attachers, who run away whenever they feel emotionally connected because that makes them feel ***.

(Anyone interested in attachment theory should read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love. Yeah, it’s pop psychology, but it’s a good, fast read.)

So, anyway, I had a habit of seeking out relationships where my partner would detach from me and then I would be desperate for validation, so I would then cheat on my partner to feel like I had value. That’s on me, not my partner, I chose to be with her instead of leaving. But, man, in those periods when I felt alone, I was so desperate to feel like a worthy human that I would have done most anything to feel better. Cheating was relatively benign, all things considered.

Incidentally, you can rewire your attachment style. For me, I took 18 months off dating cold turkey and ***d myself to realize that I am a good person regardless of whether a woman would get naked with me.

So, I know I have a habit of seemingly defending poor behavior in the forums, but my career is in understanding “the people not in the room”. I think the OP is dead on — you have to recognize that you are NOT AT ALL the priority when you are in a relationship with a married person.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it or you’re even desperate if you do it. Life is complex and often requires creating a lot of weird space for your partner. It means you need to have a clear understanding of where you are in your partner’s priorities.

[Deleted Member]

I don't really want to talk through a possible scene until it's likely to happen - and if you aint paying for it, I'm not wanting to be out of pocket, let alone paying, to help you out - for fucks sake. 

@eyemblacksheep I feel this hard. I just don't have the emotional energy to talk through possible scenes and what gets you off, so that you can get off, if it's not actually going to happen. Of course, nothing much is happening right now for most of us so we might as well talk about knitting or yoga or something like that. 

I'm an awkward so-and-so too in that I can't accommodate and I'm not willing to do much in the way of travel. Having a 15 year old ***ager permanently resident in my house makes it pretty much impossible to do anything naughty here. Whilst hotels are out, and covid restrictions are in, that leaves us out of options right now. 

 

[Deleted Member]

Hey @BoulderDom thanks for sharing. 

Attachment theory is awesome. Nothing wrong with some good pop psychology. 

[ey****]

I think there's something people forget sometimes - but there's cam sites where you can just do text based chat. There's people sell sexting, or " sessions" and so on.

There are kinda two lessons from that.  One is there are people who are perfectly happy to just talk about doing something. The other is that people will happily just sext or talk kink when they're bored and need a fix - and, that there are people willing to pay for it - of course comes with the inevitable logic that there's plenty of people hoping to do that for free.

And it might be just dipping into a fantasy when at work, or when a partner is out or in bed.... I feel I'm detracting from the main point, but, I think it's also important for folk to understand.

 

[Deleted Member]

Sound funny someone who tried something and now shout out loud it’s immoral to do it?
It’s not all black and white and qualifying a red flag on someone can travel not accommodate very quick on judgement. You said yourself you have a kid at home 🤷‍♂️.
I am not judgemental, people do whatever they feel like unless it’s not life/health threatening. For some cheating IS a kink so no shaming too.
You done it and took 18 month until you found out it’s immoral, good for you. But don’t come around and bang the New Testament on this site.

[ey****]

I dunno; I think personal growth is good. Admitting to making a mistake is good and trying to warn others not to make the same mistakes is, also, well, good.

[Ar****]

4 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

For some cheating IS a kink so no shaming too.

Calling cheating a kink is no different to calling under-age sex a kink; a pathetic attempt to validate and excuse clearly unacceptable behaviour.

 

The question of whether cheating is okay should never come up anywhere, but least of all in a community which supposedly grounds itself in trust and communication.

[Mz****]

20 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Calling cheating a kink is no different to calling under-age sex a kink; a pathetic attempt to validate and excuse clearly unacceptable behaviour.

 

The question of whether cheating is okay should never come up anywhere, but least of all in a community which supposedly grounds itself in trust and communication.

I agree, kink should be consensual,  if you're lying to your partner they're not consenting to anything and youre potentially putting them at risk too.. if you're lying on your profile, again nothing consensual about that, open marriages, poly dynamics and such aren't being questioned or challenged by the OP why he went in so aggressively I don't know. 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

no different to calling under-age sex a kink;

?? What an absolute shocking comparaison and it should never been mentioned in a comment or post. Kind of weird  thinking tbh? 
 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, MzJax said:

why he went in so aggressively I don't know. 

I wasn’t ? What made you think that?