The ace experience in the BDSM scene

[xX****]

Is there anyone else here who wants to talk about how being ace influences the dynamic of how they play?

I’m still pin pointing where I am on the ace spectrum.

Personally, I enjoy the more sadistic side of being a dom. There’s so many different results you can get from a well placed kick or a slap.

I’m repulsed by the texture of anything wet and slimy (which is Inconvenient as hell, but hey gloves exist)

I do enjoy nudity or being the audience for exhibitionism from an aesthetic sense more than any sort of arousal standpoint.

but I was curious how other people navigate being a dom or a sub while being ace.

[Deleted Member]

I'm not Ace, have close associates who are and don't venture into these waters, but I wanted to speak to your aversion of particular textures and such and ask if You might be Auti or such adjacent? If so, that definitely affects MY experiences, choices...
I've often sought to engage in non-sexual (or, no sex taking place even if arousal, flirting, stimulation ocurred.) Domming someone without that aspect is very appealing for Me..

[we****]

Hey, Ace kinkster here. Always glad to talk

[LadyV]

I'm a sex repulsed grey-ace Dominant/Sadist. I much prefer SM over sex. I prefer sex not be involved in my play at all.

Unsurprisingly, these preferences lead to most of my kink experiences taking place with non-cis-men partners because most cis men don't understand that kink can exist without sex instead of just being a means to sex. Kink can be it's own end instead of a means to an end. I've literally had cis men ask, "what's the point of playing if we won't have sex?" His answer is literally in his question: playing. They don't get it.

[Kn****]

@LadyV totally agree on sex and bondage not being mutually exclusive. They can be, but they don’t have to be.
For reference, Demi, trans, AuDHD girl here.

[xX****]

1 hour ago, NexumSange said:

I'm not Ace, have close associates who are and don't venture into these waters, but I wanted to speak to your aversion of particular textures and such and ask if You might be Auti or such adjacent? If so, that definitely affects MY experiences, choices...
I've often sought to engage in non-sexual (or, no sex taking place even if arousal, flirting, stimulation ocurred.) Domming someone without that aspect is very appealing for Me..

I am Neurodivergent, but not all moist textures bother me. Bodily fluids have another texture all together though and I hate the way that feels, it’s indiscriminate whether it’s made by me or it isn’t

Which if we’re bringing up how being neurodivergent in BDSM dynamics brings out the part of me that craves nearly contractual rules being set and followed.

[xX****]

55 minutes ago, LadyV said:

I'm a sex repulsed grey-ace Dominant/Sadist. I much prefer SM over sex. I prefer sex not be involved in my play at all.

Unsurprisingly, these preferences lead to most of my kink experiences taking place with non-cis-men partners because most cis men don't understand that kink can exist without sex instead of just being a means to sex. Kink can be it's own end instead of a means to an end. I've literally had cis men ask, "what's the point of playing if we won't have sex?" His answer is literally in his question: playing. They don't get it.

That’s most of the issue that I’m having now with the people interested in being a sub. All cis men whose first words are a proposition to fuck.

god forbid someone just wants to get roughed up or turn their brain off for a bit.

But those same guys can’t read a profile much less follow directions.

[LadyV]

16 minutes ago, xX_waVey_Xx said:

 

That’s most of the issue that I’m having now with the people interested in being a sub. All cis men whose first words are a proposition to fuck.

god forbid someone just wants to get roughed up or turn their brain off for a bit.

But those same guys can’t read a profile much less follow directions.

That always struck me as the funniest and dumbest shit dudes pull on here. 

They come at you like, "I will listen and submit to everything you say!"

/Doesn't read your profile. 😂

 

It's not a good look for someone trying to offer themselves as a sub, lol. 

[Deleted Member]

I'm Demi myself and a sub so sadly the two make it less likely that I'll play. I get approached sex first and when asking for an actual conversation, or having in my profile that I need FWB with an emphasis on friend it just gets ignored.

[pu****]

The wet and slimy issue is the sole reason why I do things with men if I ever do anything. And even then there has to be semen retention involved or i'll be disgusted.

[xX****]

1 hour ago, stageprescense said:

I'm Demi myself and a sub so sadly the two make it less likely that I'll play. I get approached sex first and when asking for an actual conversation, or having in my profile that I need FWB with an emphasis on friend it just gets ignored.

God, I feel your ***. from the dating scene to play that’s been a major issue.

Not everyone that wants to play or do more want the intimacy I require to feel any sort of sexual want.

it’s so frustrating when someone meets the aesthetics I like only to not have the time or environment to build anything to foster any attraction

That’s to say that the other party is even interested in fostering it in the first place

[sardonicus87]

4 hours ago, LadyV said:

I'm a sex repulsed grey-ace Dominant/Sadist. I much prefer SM over sex. I prefer sex not be involved in my play at all.

Unsurprisingly, these preferences lead to most of my kink experiences taking place with non-cis-men partners because most cis men don't understand that kink can exist without sex instead of just being a means to sex. Kink can be it's own end instead of a means to an end. I've literally had cis men ask, "what's the point of playing if we won't have sex?" His answer is literally in his question: playing. They don't get it.

As a grey-ace, though not sexually-repulsed but reciprosexual with no innate drive for it who is also a sadist (and grey romantic), I feel your ***. And no, this isn't a "it cuts both ways" post... I mean I am straight, but men in general are the damn worst. Whether it's other straight men questioning whether I am sure that I am not gay, or trying to tell me that I must be low-T, or just being all "I don't get it".

And then I feel like I can't even talk to a woman blatantly platonically because I can see the discomfort that they're waiting for me to hit on them like "when's it coming, when is he going to ask for sex?". Like, never, but they have so many guys swear "I promise, just friends" only to turn around in two messages and go "but how bout sex?".

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, sardonicus87 said:

As a grey-ace, though not sexually-repulsed but reciprosexual with no innate drive for it who is also a sadist (and grey romantic), I feel your ***. And no, this isn't a "it cuts both ways" post... I mean I am straight, but men in general are the damn worst. Whether it's other straight men questioning whether I am sure that I am not gay, or trying to tell me that I must be low-T, or just being all "I don't get it".

And then I feel like I can't even talk to a woman blatantly platonically because I can see the discomfort that they're waiting for me to hit on them like "when's it coming, when is he going to ask for sex?". Like, never, but they have so many guys swear "I promise, just friends" only to turn around in two messages and go "but how bout sex?".

❤️‍🩹 and Uhck to men "figuring" those conclusions about You, I'm sorry for those uninformed reactions to You.
[Personal Note: I am sorry if I ever negatively contributed to anything of that sort in our dealings.]

[sardonicus87]

My only other experience has been on the extremely rare occasion when a woman was interested in me, that they got upset when I didn't try to hit on them and took it personally, like that they "weren't desireable". It was more a problem with ex-girlfriends, all of whom I warned before getting into the relationship and they all swore it would be fine... it was not.

[La****]

I won’t say that I’m ace but I do need to be deeply connected with someone before sexual play comes into life. Bedroom stuff always comes second and I always prioritize non-sexual domination in day to day life as it adds to more intimacy and satisfaction. But just the same as everyone here, when it comes to (most) male encounters—they hardly able to grasp the idea on being a service without sex in mind. The one track mind behavior is really exhausting. You cannot express your emotions or build soul connection but doesn’t mind being naked and talking about sex? Alright.

[LadyV]

1 hour ago, sardonicus87 said:

 

As a grey-ace, though not sexually-repulsed but reciprosexual with no innate drive for it who is also a sadist (and grey romantic), I feel your ***. And no, this isn't a "it cuts both ways" post... I mean I am straight, but men in general are the damn worst. Whether it's other straight men questioning whether I am sure that I am not gay, or trying to tell me that I must be low-T, or just being all "I don't get it".

And then I feel like I can't even talk to a woman blatantly platonically because I can see the discomfort that they're waiting for me to hit on them like "when's it coming, when is he going to ask for sex?". Like, never, but they have so many guys swear "I promise, just friends" only to turn around in two messages and go "but how bout sex?".

I hate it but it's so true. 

 

I often don't feel like it's "safe" to be platonic friends with cishet men. Too often, it always ends up with them centering their dick (despite zero indication of mutual interest on my end). It's shitty interacting with most cishet guys because it does end up with you bracing the entire time, wondering when his dick is going to suddenly enter the conversation uninvited.

 

I've had too many experiences of men who I said, upfront, I only want to be platonic friends only for them to eventually make multiple "courtship" moves (that they swear tooootally aren't courting attempts). And when I forcibly stop him doing it and reaffirm the boundary of "platonic friendship" (like I said at the very start), he blows up about me "putting him in the friendzone" like I fucking wronged him by...*checks notes*...actually meaning what I said at the very start? It's ***ful to discover someone I had been giving friendship to was just bullshiting me the whole time in an effort to ignore what I say and date/fuck. And then they get angry and resent you for not falling into their "brilliant plan" to woo you against what you already said. And then you lose a friendship you had actually invested in as an *actual friendship.* That really hurts.

 

Repeated experiences of that and I don't really form close friendships with straight men anymore. How the fuck can I trust it? They won't listen to me and then they'll blame me for it. 

 

I'm sorry you have to feel the tension of a woman constantly bracing for you to start talking about your dick out of nowhere. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish men hadn't caused this growing gendered rift in basic friendships. 

[CL****]

3 hours ago, xX_waVey_Xx said:

God, I feel your ***. from the dating scene to play that’s been a major issue.

Not everyone that wants to play or do more want the intimacy I require to feel any sort of sexual want.

it’s so frustrating when someone meets the aesthetics I like only to not have the time or environment to build anything to foster any attraction

That’s to say that the other party is even interested in fostering it in the first place

Well said, I couldn't agree more.

[we****]

I'm pretty heavily sex repulsed, repulsed by bodily fluids of on the tpp am tocophobic to the grade that if someone amab with dick touch mydown there after touching theirs, it would take up to to cycles to stop breaking down every hour and buy pregnancy tests in masses and begging a gyn for ***test.
One of the reasons why I'm okay with being naked, but dom part should be clothed or at least their genitals should be covered.

I needed to embrace aceness to unserstand the kinkiness and now it's difficult to find the people for whom kink is the main dish not a side for sex

[sardonicus87]

Though I did think of a way to explain my particular brand of greysexual with reciprosexual nature.

It's like, I never just want or think about cake, even passing through the baked goods section of the store, or walking past pre-made cakes in the store. Even at an event, open food table with cake on it, free to help yourself, still don't desire to eat any of it.

But if someone asks me if I want a piece of cake, it's like first, I see who is offering if I think I can trust their cooking skills and if I do, then it's "maybe, what kind is it?". It's not like I hate cake, I just only get a desire to have a piece of cake (without being offered) like, maybe once every other year, but otherwise I don't even really think about it.

That's about the best way I know how to describe it.

[xX****]

3 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

Though I did think of a way to explain my particular brand of greysexual with reciprosexual nature.

It's like, I never just want or think about cake, even passing through the baked goods section of the store, or walking past pre-made cakes in the store. Even at an event, open food table with cake on it, free to help yourself, still don't desire to eat any of it.

But if someone asks me if I want a piece of cake, it's like first, I see who is offering if I think I can trust their cooking skills and if I do, then it's "maybe, what kind is it?". It's not like I hate cake, I just only get a desire to have a piece of cake (without being offered) like, maybe once every other year, but otherwise I don't even really think about it.

That's about the best way I know how to describe it.

I love this analogy because I use something similar

My go to is “ I love to bake cakes, but I don’t really want any myself I don’t have a thing for sweets

But I love to see other people enjoy what I’ve baked or what’s in the window of other bakery’s”

I love the way a person looks lost in the sauce. But in a baroque ***ting way. I want to draw ***t or capture the moment on someone’s face or the arch of their back or the color of a bruise or rosy skin. Not that I’m breaking out the oil ***ts here

Overall I just like creating something that I find pretty

I couldn’t give a damn about hole or dick in that equation. Like yep it sure is there I suppose

[on****]

What about the emotional component? Not romantic (although you didn’t say you’re aro, I don’t think), but for me a lot of kink is about connection. Opening people up. Finding out who they are. Finding the piece of them that wants untangling and addressing it.

Creating safety, care.

You?

[sardonicus87]

Another thing that makes the grey side of ace tricky is people have a hard time understanding "I don't want to" and it's hard to communicate that. Like, I don't INTRINSICALLY want to (indifference) is not the same thing as what most people mean when they say "I don't want to" which is "I want to not do" (positively don't).

So it doesn't matter how much I say otherwise it's always "I feel like I making you do something you don't want to do" (as in would actively rather not do). Like no, when you want to, I want to (if I think you're attractive, etc, it's not like anyone saying they want me makes me want them necessarily).

And I don't know if this is just my greyromantic/aromantic side, but it seems like almost EVERYONE has this, what is to me a dumb and childish nonsense thing, of that you must want to want the same thing they want but for yourself, it's never good enough that you positively want something when they want it, like you can't want it for their sake or because they want it, you have to independently actively want the same thing for yourself [intrinsically].

That's probably a bigger hurdle than anything else.

Though all of this has just affected mostly interpersonal relationships (most of which have been vanilla). As far as how it affects how I play, in the context of BDSM, it prevents me from getting to play at all from the outset. I am a sadist and only that, and D/s dynamics are a turn-off for me, and it's hard enough to even find someone to begin with who doesn't have *** as a hard limit, let alone someone that's also willing to do play without a D/s dynamic. I've never come across a masochist in person other than once by chance in a vanilla world relationship. And usually when I see someone online (who is always much too far away anyway), they always want a monogamous relationship before play and don't do "casual". So the aromantic side is much more a hindrance for me than the asexual side.

Most people to me seem like they can't believe someone could care, or even love platonically, that love can only be romantic and that you can only care if you romantically love, and that platonic love and care is only for family.

[Mu****]

Aha yeah this is definitely a topic I think about a lot. I'm still figuring out if I'm asexual or if I haven't deconstructed things in my mind- though I am leaning towards the second. Being gray-aromantic influences my bdsm life more than being ace imo, since it's the first hurdle I have to jump when wanting to do anything.

Non sexual bdsm is a large part of what I like, having that power dynamic without the sex involved is a need for me to want to do anything with someone. (It's 100% more complex than that, but that is it simplified) That's difficult to find, so I don't get to experiment much.

Usually I just find people I platonically click with. People that get that it's a connection/dynamic that isn't romantic, but still demands a certain closeness. That's how I've always found good partners to experiment with.

I feel as if I've gone slightly off topic- oh well

[xX****]

Friday at 01:56 PM, onecrow said:

What about the emotional component? Not romantic (although you didn’t say you’re aro, I don’t think), but for me a lot of kink is about connection. Opening people up. Finding out who they are. Finding the piece of them that wants untangling and addressing it.

Creating safety, care.

You?

Was this directed at me or someone else?

I’m not aro, that I know for sure. But a genuine connection for me to want to consider sex? Sure yeah.

but there isn’t an overlap for me between kink and sex. The distinction being sex and fucking, because they are different



I love to create an environment for safety and care in the sense that I’d be building trust enough for someone else to let go.

I love learning about people, their thoughts and motivations and experiences.

I just hate that if I feel like my interest in learning about someone is rushed in order to just check a box and *** the idea of intimacy without any substance.

[xX****]

Friday at 07:23 PM, MushroomFreak said:

Aha yeah this is definitely a topic I think about a lot. I'm still figuring out if I'm asexual or if I haven't deconstructed things in my mind- though I am leaning towards the second. Being gray-aromantic influences my bdsm life more than being ace imo, since it's the first hurdle I have to jump when wanting to do anything.

Non sexual bdsm is a large part of what I like, having that power dynamic without the sex involved is a need for me to want to do anything with someone. (It's 100% more complex than that, but that is it simplified) That's difficult to find, so I don't get to experiment much.

Usually I just find people I platonically click with. People that get that it's a connection/dynamic that isn't romantic, but still demands a certain closeness. That's how I've always found good partners to experiment with.

I feel as if I've gone slightly off topic- oh well

Even if it might be a bit off topic I personally welcome it.

aro and ace aren’t the same but they sure as hell have similar experiences.

And it’s interesting to talk about,

I never considered working backwards and talking to people I trust outside of the BDSM scene first but that’s genuinely smart.

but you’re right it’s hard to experiment when the majority of the people who engage in kink not only don’t understand our limitations but take it as an unwelcome challenge to push boundaries

Mostly I made this post because I figured that there were other people here that felt the same way.