> So, face to face ASAP or messaging for a good while first? What say you?
Depends.
If it's a cis man, I prefer to talk online for a while to determine how emotionally unstable he actually is. If a man is going to have a violent emotional outburst and a lashing out tantrum, I prefer he do it Read more… over the internet rather than while I'm physically anywhere near him. I don't trust most men's ability to emotionally self-regulate or not become suddenly dangerous at the slightest unpredictable thing. So, I take a good long time giving men plenty of opportunities to show me who they really are over the internet. I don't want to find out in person if it can be avoided.
For everyone else, I'll usually chat off and on for about a week to vibe check and then meet for coffee or lunch.

On the topic of gardening, I found some huge rat snakes in my garden this weekend. There might be a clutch of snake eggs around. That's really exciting because they are great at keeping away mice and voles. 😊🐍

I'm just here to say my comment wasn't related to you at all, I never read anything else you wrote prior, I have no idea who you are, and your comment about "women want men who treat them blah blah blah" is literally misogynistic incel rhetoric.

Apologies, this is going to be long but important.
I'm a Dominant woman. I'm also married to my submissive.
I'm the whole package of Topping skills. I took many classes over the years to learn how to do all the kinks I am interested in and practiced at home in my free time because I wanted to Read more… know those skills. I invested so much money into gear, equipment, supplies, toys, and my own education. I have a bookshelf full of kink books (instructional and educational, not pointless erotica) because I want to know how to do this shit safely for real and not as a jerk off fantasy. I wear breathtaking (and expensive) lingerie and leather outfits not to serve the male gaze (fuck the dehumanizing male gaze) but because they help me get into the correct headspace I need to be in to perform for myself. Everything I have done, I did for myself.
Over the years I've been in kink, I have endlessly heard submissive men whine about the shortage of Dominant women. Often this whining turns to misogynistic directions (ie "women must just naturally be subs!") because most cishet submissive men harbor enormous misogyny and have failed (due to unconscious ignorance or conscious intent) to address the misogyny in themselves. As a woman, listening to submissive men talk in their whiny and misogynistic ways is very repellent. Especially when submissive men always seem to be missing the most obvious point:
The Dominant women you see are just the ones who survived.
Stop for a fucking second and think, men. Really think. Follow me along and put yourself in my boots for a minute here:
Begin at birth.
Everything we do in the social conditioning of baby girls is meant to soften, pacify, and train docility. We give boys spacial awareness building toys, often mimicking real tools, that are highly intricate and interactive and help the brain better grasp the manipulation of objects and their environment. We give a girl a doll and tell her to love it, hold it, nurse it, and baby it quietly. While a boy is encouraged to take up space, be loud, run, fight, be physical, be vital, be messy, and lead others...a girl is told the exact opposite. Stop running. Don't get your clothes messy. Don't be bossy. Don't Don't Don't.
She's being trained and conditioned at an age too early to know what's being done to her to automatically behave in a way that will set her up in the future to be a fucking slave because we live under a patriarchal society that wants that for her future. The world is brainwashing her before her brain is even fully developed.
Fast forward to teenage years and we see that both sexes experience a downturn in self confidence as the biggest challenge of teenagers is the sense of belonging, friendships, conforming to friend groups, and developing a sense of identity...but teenage girls experience a much larger drop in self esteem than boys do. Every aspect of their entire body, mind, and emotions are actively scrutinized and under attack in a way boys just will not experience in the same way. Eating disorders skew female in teenagers. Mental health issues skew female. Experiences of sexual harassment and violence skew female. Suicide ideation and attempts skew female. This isn't a coincidence. This is by societal design.
Girls and women are pumped full of messages saying, "you're not good enough as you are...so buy these products and look like this, act like this, talk like this, think like this, become this." And all of those messages about who and what she should be are entirely contradictory and impossible to achieve.
"Be sexy but don't look or act too sexy. Don't be a prude but don't be a slut. Don't take up too much space but don't not show up! Be a girl boss but don't be mean or critical to anyone. Dress pretty but not too pretty, or you're going to alienate other women and attract violence. If you look too pretty, people won't think you're very smart or listen to you, if you don't look pretty at all no one will think you take care of yourself, if you are pretty and smart though no one will believe it or listen to you. Don't be too fat but don't be too thin either. Have curves but having curves means you never look professional and all your uniforms look inappropriate. Don't be distrusting of men, but if something bad happens to you, it must be your fault for not being cautious enough!"
And girls and women are stuck doing this rabbit room dance their entire fucking vanilla lives. Ya know what a rabbit room is? It's a learned helplessness experiment where you stick a rabbit in a room and electrocute the floor. The rabbit jumps around from place to place frantically trying to figure out the safe spot to be on. The experimenters keep switching the safe spot until eventually they make it so there is no safe spot in the room. The rabbit figures out there is no safe spot this time and just stops jumping and helplessly waits for the pain to stop. And in future experiments when the safe spot comes back, the rabbit doesn't look for it anymore. It has learned helplessness. It just continues to sit and wait for the pain to stop. Our sexist society fucking does this to women all during our childhood and teenage years. Trains us on sexist mistreatment and then teaches us to just take it and see it as "normal" and "acceptable."
And through the gauntlet of childhood and teenage years...a whole lot of potentially Dominant women are lost. Our sexist society successfully brainwashed and tortured that potential out of them. Gone.
Now we get into adulthood. Vanilla dating for adult women is difficult and dangerous enough as is, but let's add kink into it.
Ya know what happens first when a woman feels interested in kink? She has to combat a lifetime of often religious brainwashing telling her she's not supposed to have interests in sex at all, let alone kink. She needs to overcome the evil of purity culture and she has to do it alone cause no one is going to care, help, or even understand it cause it's normalized sexist shit training women to be asexual until our bodies are "owned" for the benefit of a man. Our sexuality doesn't belong to us.
Right here, more potentially Dominant women are lost due to the abusive effects of misogynistic religious doctrine and purity culture on women. Starting to see a pattern? You're gonna see it happening everywhere once you start to see it.
We need to teach ourselves to own it again and ya know what happens immediately after we do and fully identify as kinky? The world calls us sluts. Kinky women are all assumed to be sluts. The many vanilla fucboys seeking vanilla hook-up sex on fetish sites are evidence of that societal assumption. We see an immediate punishment for diverging from our societal training: increased sexual harassment and higher odds of sexual abuse. Ask around amongst kinky women, you'll see a ton of them saw an increase in sexual harassment upon entering kink. Many women experienced sexual abuse for the first time after entering the kink scene. Many women new to kink leave kink almost immediately after due to the rampant sexual harassment and abuse.
Right there in that little entryway moment, a whole ton of potential Dominant women are gone cause they literally got crushed away while they were still hatching.
Now let's say she made it past the sexist training of childhood, overcame the religious asexual virgin=value brainwashing, claimed her sexuality, and learned to endure and survive the increased sexual harassment and high odds of sexual abuse because she really wants to join the kink community and not only that...she might be interested in being a Dominant.
Ya know what fucking comes next for her?
Our entire kink community is going to start pushing her towards being a sub. I would know. It happened to me and almost all of the D-type women I've known.
This "push" looks like this:
- Everyone is going to assume she's a sub and treat her like one.
- Every man is going to approach her like she should sub/bottom for him.
- Every sub woman is going to try to set her up to be their new "sub sister" and try to get her to join their sub support group or bottom for their "Daddies."
- If she seeks a mentor, she'll find mostly only Dominant men offering to "mentor" and every last one will "require her" to bottom for him while he "mentors her."
- Brand new to kink with no role yet and just trying to explore everything equally? Immediately picked up and locked into a long-term relationship with a Dom and all you're every getting to learn or explore is going to be subbing to him.
On and fucking on. Our kink communities will do everything in their power to funnel her towards becoming a sub and away from dominance.
Right there, more potential Dominant women are lost from the misogynistic sub-funneling effect kink communities do to newbie women that we're all so blind to.
So she swims against the force of this mighty pushing river and manages to make it to identifying as a Dominant and learning the skills she wants to know (despite the many "mentors" who tried to use "teaching" her as an opportunity to try to sexually exploit and abuse her. Looking at you in particular, male rigger Tops that offer Top women "rigging mentorship"). Despite all these incredible odds, she's made it to being a Dominant woman!
So what happens to her next?
Oh right. The enormous misogyny of submissive men.
Upon reaching the mountain top of bdsm dominance, exhausted with her hands and feet bleeding from the razor sharp climb, she's greeted by the average example of a submissive man.
He looks at her and goes, "It is now time for you to serve me, woman. Wear this outfit I find sexy and follow this porn script I wrote based on MY favorite jerk off fantasies. Do these kinks of mine according to this grocery list of MY wants. No, I don't care about yours or if my kinks are in your hard limits list. No, I don't care if we're compatible. You're just a body. A female-shaped puppet to hold a flogger while I pull your strings and you dance to MY fantasy porn re-enactments. Serve me MY kinks on a silver platter. Do-me like I tell you to. Do-me NOW."
And he's not just one man. He is thousands. Hundreds of thousands. All at once. All in her face and very loud and relentless. Never ending do-me-sub bottoms wanting the same exact misogynistic control over women as any vanilla or D-type man, just a different flavor of control over her. Same. Damn. Shit.
At first, Dominant women resist this. They are shocked and confused by it and try to write it off as "just that guy." But no...we quickly learn that it is MOST submissive men. Most sub men are very misogynistic. That realization is fucking haunting and painful for a demographic of women who have spent their entire lives rebelling against what a sexist society wanted for them. To go through all that just to end up right back at the start with men who don't think of us as equal humans, just objects and toys yet again.
When that realization fully sinks in to Dominant women...that most sub men are misogynistic and want to make us serve them...what you typically see next is Dominant women go undercover. Low profile. Hide their kinks. Hide their roles. Hide their gender. Hide the fact they are Dominants to try to get the legions of men to leave them alone.
Or...it is at this point you see many Dominant women leave kink entirely because they've grown disgusted by it. Disgusted by kink and the sorts of subs available to them. Might as well return to the vanilla world as there's probably better odds there of finding a partner who isn't a misogynist.
And right there you lose even more Dominant women due to the unrelenting bullshit of misogyny.
The only Dominant women left are the ones who survived.
So when all you sub dudes are sitting around whining about the shortage and your own "hopelessness." Maybe stop the self-pity long enough to ask yourself what you are doing to help change the world to make it easier for Dominant women to come into existence in the first place. What are doing to end systemic sexism and the misogyny of men? No? Nothing? Just waiting around for women to do all the work surviving that fucking death trap and seeing which Dominant women come out the other side of it for you to all immediately swarm just as she emerges bloody? If that is all you are doing to help the problems and obstacles women are facing as they approach dominance, then you only have yourselves to blame for the shortage of Dominant women that you feel.

As with everything in kink whenever anyone asks "why aren't there more women into [whatever kink]?", the answer is always "if it actually benefitted women, more women would do it."
There's also an aspect of unrealistic expectations involved here.
The kink community is very small. Even looking at Read more… it from a global scale, the kink community is unbelievably tiny compared to the vanilla population. You haven't adjusted your expectations appropriately to account for this. You are expecting (unconsciously) to run into compatible kink partners with the same frequency you run into compatible vanilla sex partners. They simply are not comparable population sizes and expecting the same rates of finding compatible kink partners as for vanilla sex partners just isn't realistic.
Next up, you're an M/f couple seeking a female unicorn. You're unicorn hunting. The website "Unicorns-r-us" (Google it) can explain in detail why that's already gonna be next to impossible to find. There are several important reasons why women in general don't want to be a unicorn and you should really read up on it.
On top of that, you don't just want a unicorn woman (already very difficult to acquire), you evidently want her to be a Dominant who matches your kinks AND is willing to neatly squeeze herself into your existing power dynamic (let me guess...what are the chances Daddy wants to be able to call the shots over Mommy too, hmm?). Can you really not see how a *DOMINANT* woman might be a bit repelled by this set up? Where's the control and power for her in a dynamic designed and built before she even had a voice to contribute?
Women are also less likely to have a Mommy kink because women are overwhelmingly still expected to do he lion's share of real world not-fun childcare and men are not. So a man gets called "Daddy" and thinks it's fun and cutesy. A woman gets called "Mommy" and guess what she's getting flashbacks to: a fuckton of unpleasant work and a turn off.
Lastly, Mommy Doms do exist but they get treated pretty crappy by A LOT of the kink community at large (just like most FemDoms). A couple hundred do-me-sub jackasses begging for anal and diaper play from you for nothing in return except literally dealing with other people's shit would make you go incognito about your kinks too.

Ehhh, it's meh to me. I get no physical pleasure out of it. I regard it as just another thing I can do with someone if I want to.
I dislike how so many people frame pegging in extremely misogynistic terms (ie, "being penetrated makes me submissive, inferior, and woman-like!"). I can't stand that Read more… toxic view of it and I won't go anywhere near a man who is viewing pegging that way because that tells me he has a ton of internalized misogyny he hasn't addressed in himself yet. I refuse to date men who haven't dealt with their misogyny.
Also, I don't really consider pegging "kinky." It's just anal sex. Anal sex is vanilla.

When I first got into kink (at about 20 or 21) I identified as a switch. I identified as a switch for about a year before officially changing my role title to Dominant and placing switching as a hard limit.
This wasn't because of some sexist ass "all women want to sub!" type shit. No, I knew I was Read more… inclined towards control, leading, and causing pain even before I knew what bdsm was. When I first found bdsm I already knew I was very interested in being a Dominant and a sadist.
The reason I started off as a switch and switched for a year was for exploration and education purposes. I was able to learn a TON more as a switch than I ever could have as just either/or. I knew from the beginning I was a Dominant. I switched for a year so I could gain knowledge, experience, and perspective.
So nah, I never had a "submissive phase" or whatever. Cause even when I was playing the role of a sub while switching, I still knew it wasn't for me.