Instant meets - pros & cons?

[Pe****]

Full disclosure - I don’t often make the first move and contact fellow FET members, I usually make it quite clear in my profile what I’m into and then respond if someone reaches out to me. I guess there’s a touch of anxiety in there somewhere.
Somebody messaged me a while back and as she was local, wanted to meet socially asap as she thought we’d hit it off. Normally I would want to chat with someone on here for a while first, just to get to know them a little, before perhaps meeting socially for a coffee/lunch etc. I’ve always been a little wary of instant meets.
As someone who overthinks everything, I’m now unsure if my attitude is the correct one?
The more I think about it, meeting face to face in a neutral non-kink environment is quite a cool way to get to know someone. You get the eye contact, body language etc. You don’t get any of these things from texting.
I guess there’s no “right or wrong” way here, I’m just curious to know what others think and it’s always nice to get a different perspective.
So, face to face ASAP or messaging for a good while first? What say you?

[Deleted Member]

Personally, I like to consider my safety and get to know someone and see if there is a connection through messaging first. If I feel it will go somewhere then we go on a date in a public place. From there the link aspect develops further.

[Ni****]

Personally, I like to chat a bit before any vanilla 1st meet. Mainly because without that chat I have no idea if we're compatible or even looking for the same type of relationship (this is dependant upon profile depth). If a detailed profile then the chat can be shorter and 1st meeting earlier.

[la****]

I like meeting in person. As the dominant guy I offer at least the first round on me(tea, alcohol, coffee...). That way if they get uncomfortable they can leave without worrying about the bill. It also gives them the option to pick up the second round to show interest.

[Th****]

10 minutes ago, AuntieJ said:

Personally, I like to consider my safety and get to know someone and see if there is a connection through messaging first. If I feel it will go somewhere then we go on a date in a public place. From there the link aspect develops further.

This. It's the safety concerns and feeling out who someone is as a person for a bit first. Someone putting up a facade will often slip pretty quickly. Taking your time and having a few simple, yet firm, boundaries from the start can be a good tool in measuring how they might handle more serious things. 

[Th****]

1 minute ago, la-paz437402 said:

I like meeting in person. As the dominant guy I offer at least the first round on me(tea, alcohol, coffee...). That way if they get uncomfortable they can leave without worrying about the bill. It also gives them the option to pick up the second round to show interest.

No one is suggesting *not* meeting in person. 

[la****]

I forgot to mention that I like meeting early. Yes get a baseline of interest, then meet up. 5 min of in person conversation can replace a month of chatting. You don't get time to phrase things perfectly and syco analysis what is said. You get to read the body language and understand what is being communicated.

[ma****]

I personally prefer meeting in person within the first two weeks, especially if they're local. I want to know who I'm talking to and how our first meet/date goes, but, most importantly, how they behave after that.

[CopperKnob]

There is no right or wrong way of handling this. It's personal to each of us dependant upon how we perceive any interaction with another person with safety (hopefully) being at the forefront of our minds and decision making.
Personally, I'd rather someone I was meeting for the first time didn't buy me a drink whether they're dominant or not. Its another protective factor, but i'll buy my own.

[De****]

I won't ever meet (even for drinks) without a phone call first. It's a simple icebreaker to check sanity, sincerity and potential timewasters. It costs nothing and it's a definite red flag if someone says no. It suggests they're hiding something and deceit is an even bigger no-no.

[Fe****]

While I agree with the safety factor, I tend to believe that face to face communication is the most effective way to get across points, talk about things, feel the general vibe etc. body language, energy, social ques, quirks, and emotions are easy to pick up on. When meeting someone for the first time, I always choose a very public place, some where safe and open. Call me a weird person, but I carry a personal note book and jot down questions I want to ask, topics I want to discuss during the meet. It helps me to keep focused on the items that are important to me, and if I have heard them voice questions I write those down to make sure we cover those topics.
I try and clarify after meeting the things we discussed and build from there. Being willing to meet in person has afforded me with a quick decision as to will I continue to pursue or not, based on several indicators, or if I place that person in a “friendship” role from there on. It saves me from countless hours of texting and trying to communicate in the less effective medium available “texting” or “chatting”

[Th****]

12 minutes ago, DefinitelyMayB said:

I won't ever meet (even for drinks) without a phone call first. It's a simple icebreaker to check sanity, sincerity and potential timewasters. It costs nothing and it's a definite red flag if someone says no. It suggests they're hiding something and deceit is an even bigger no-no.

Good point, I did forget to add that I like phone and video calls before the in person meet as well. 

[ma****]

21 minutes ago, Feral_MountainKing said:

While I agree with the safety factor, I tend to believe that face to face communication is the most effective way to get across points, talk about things, feel the general vibe etc. body language, energy, social ques, quirks, and emotions are easy to pick up on. When meeting someone for the first time, I always choose a very public place, some where safe and open. Call me a weird person, but I carry a personal note book and jot down questions I want to ask, topics I want to discuss during the meet. It helps me to keep focused on the items that are important to me, and if I have heard them voice questions I write those down to make sure we cover those topics.
I try and clarify after meeting the things we discussed and build from there. Being willing to meet in person has afforded me with a quick decision as to will I continue to pursue or not, based on several indicators, or if I place that person in a “friendship” role from there on. It saves me from countless hours of texting and trying to communicate in the less effective medium available “texting” or “chatting”

May I ask what kind of questions have you got and could you please share them with me? It's okay if you don't want though.

[ki****]

Everyone socialises differently and everyone has their own saftey minded way of vetting someone.
Personally someone wanting to meet after very little/no conversation would be very concerning but I’m a over cautious person 😂
For me I like to have in depth conversations starting off with limits and likes, hobbies and interests. Trust your gut they soon slip up in the lies if they’re going to. Have phone/video calls, Then I’d happily arrange to meet them somewhere public and go from there. Reading body language any red flags atall always buy my own drinks etc
I think it’s better to be over cautious than one time wing it and put yourself in danger. Same for any app and kink or no kink. We live in a fucked up world so act accordingly.

[Ni****]

I think that the right time for a 1st meeting, is when you both know enough about each other (kinks, limits, availability, what type of Ds relationship looking for, and vanilla lives too), that you both feel that it is.

[Co****]

Personally I dislike long endless chats.
My pref is a short initial chat via the message platform to gauge initial mutual interest and compatibility. If there is then the first 10 lines written by @Feral_MountainKing are especially why I choose to further chat and explore interests by arranging an IRL casual meet soon after.

A genuine chemistry, connection and comparability imo can only be gauged from IRL chat, mutual Q&A’s and seeing and feeling reactions to that.
Add to that physically you see if the person fits who you believe to have been in chat with from photos (if they have aged 10+ years or grown/shrunk in size..)

Another reason I keep chats short is someone’s online persona (especially on platforms like this) can be grateful exaggerated and hugely different to one’s real life character.
Delving deep while chatting face to face with someone you can quickly see through facades.

[Co****]

*compatability *not* comparability (lack of edit function)

[Th****]

18 minutes ago, Nice-Evil-Dom said:

I think that the right time for a 1st meeting, is when you both know enough about each other (kinks, limits, availability, what type of Ds relationship looking for, and vanilla lives too), that you both feel that it is.

Really, this might be the best response. The right time is when *both* are ready. 

[Th****]

1 hour ago, kinkybitchsc said:

Everyone socialises differently and everyone has their own saftey minded way of vetting someone.
Personally someone wanting to meet after very little/no conversation would be very concerning but I’m a over cautious person 😂
For me I like to have in depth conversations starting off with limits and likes, hobbies and interests. Trust your gut they soon slip up in the lies if they’re going to. Have phone/video calls, Then I’d happily arrange to meet them somewhere public and go from there. Reading body language any red flags atall always buy my own drinks etc
I think it’s better to be over cautious than one time wing it and put yourself in danger. Same for any app and kink or no kink. We live in a fucked up world so act accordingly.

I wouldn't say it's "overly" cautious. To me it's realistic and simply careful

[Ca****]

I prefer to chat here first. See if we have the same goals, mindset, similar interests etc… if not, there’s no point for us to meet. Yes in person is better imo but if there’s been time to “vet” each other prior.

[LadyV]

> So, face to face ASAP or messaging for a good while first? What say you?

 

Depends. 

 

If it's a cis man, I prefer to talk online for a while to determine how emotionally unstable he actually is. If a man is going to have a violent emotional outburst and a lashing out tantrum, I prefer he do it over the internet rather than while I'm physically anywhere near him. I don't trust most men's ability to emotionally self-regulate or not become suddenly dangerous at the slightest unpredictable thing. So, I take a good long time giving men plenty of opportunities to show me who they really are over the internet. I don't want to find out in person if it can be avoided. 

For everyone else, I'll usually chat off and on for about a week to vibe check and then meet for coffee or lunch. 

[ey****]

there's a lot that folk would say is best practice (which I agree is) but then a lot also comes down to context and gut feeling

if a lady I didn't know was like "look, a like your profile/vibe/etc do you want a coffee in the next week or two?" then providing I am available - then - yes I probably would even though it goes against best practice

but if someone I didn't know was "do you want to come round and stick your cock in me tonight?" then other than me probably not being available, personally this isn't quite my jam and I'd feel something was amiss.  Some of that might be my own self-confidence here, but my gut instinct would fail the sniff test. 

However, that wouldn't mean it was wrong for someone to go "fuck it, I'm in" - but there is risk attached.   

Ultimately, we all got to go at our own pace - but our own pace can sometimes be flexible.  And that's two ways.  In the sense that we might say "Oh, I'd do a video call, then meet for coffee, then maybe we could play" and that process could be shortened based on the other person, but also could be lengthened.  It could be that is what you think in your head, but that you actually maybe want a couple more coffees and chats first.

[lo****]

I have been called overly cautious, and a time waster, but to me, those people who are pushing when I make NO attempts to hide that I will go slow it's just showing me they can't be trusted.

I mean, if you take the time to read my profile, you'd have to be dense to think I would meet up fast.

I have seen, and been thru some BAD things at the hands of men, so yeah... I'm gonna be EXTRA SUPER cautious! If that's an issue, and those sending me messages can't take that, or even get insulted because of it, they are just showing me they aren't safe.

I know full well there are safe men out there, but I also know how outnumbered they are.

[Pe****]

Thank you all so much for your comments. I already knew there wasn’t really any rights or wrongs here, it’s all down to caution and gut instincts, but I do appreciate the different perspectives. 👍

[UK****]

For me, people rushing to meet without a fair degree of chat first is a big red flag.  This is my own personal experience.  That's not to say that it can't work but in my experience, statistically unlikely.

I also think it's easier for a male to take that risk.  I would do it but I would be on my guard about the person.