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Begging or demanding… the difference?

Se****

By Se****
in BDSM Forum

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Se****

Se****

Posted

Something I’ve always thought I’m not very good at is begging - I don’t know why exactly but it seems boring and repetitive to me. This came to a head last night when I was told I was being demanding, as opposed to begging, and not coming from a place of submissiveness.

Now, all credit to the “gentleman” involved in this interaction, he dealt with it and me very well and it will lead to further discussions and I will not tolerate slurs made against him in this post.

On the back of this I want to improve and widen my understanding/awareness/knowledge around this topic. I am fully aware that this is not and cannot be a “one size fits all” answer but I’m interested in other people’s (Dom, sub or any other “identity”) views and thoughts on the subject.

• what is begging?

• what is it not?

• what is the difference between begging and demanding? Is it just perception in some instances?

• what is good or bad begging?

• what pleases you when someone is begging/what do you enjoy about it?

Any constructive thoughts, opinions or discussion is greatly received.

I am not asking for a script or how to perform, I’m just looking to explore the topic further and gain information.

And yes, before someone asks, I was begging him to allow me pleasure (not that it is necessarily relevant)!

Love,

X

PL****

PL****

Posted

I love to be made to beg and for me its when my dom/domme pushes me past the point of no return. I beg when my need has become so great it takes over. The difference for me is the difference between wanting and needing something. So wait to even ask until your need is soo great it is all you can think about. Your tone of voice will change, you will be vulner@ble, and your demeanor changes to full submission.

Pa****

Pa****

Posted

I always thought saying “please” was closer to begging. Just saying “give it to me” is more demanding. Expressing an urgent need as a request, with a “please” can’t be mistaken for anything but begging.

wb****

wb****

Posted

I agree with Please and Tease said it comes down to tone / pitch. Demanding is a normal or aggressive tone, pitch. Begging is a breathy whimpering, whining tone, higher pitch.

I see demanding as comes from a place of give me or you’re going to regret it, stating what you want, give me….

Begging comes from a place of I’m not going to survive this if I can’t…..

PL****

PL****

Posted
15 minutes ago, PaulBDietrich said:

I always thought saying “please” was closer to begging. Just saying “give it to me” is more demanding. Expressing an urgent need as a request, with a “please” can’t be mistaken for anything but begging.

A 'please' can still sound demanding if in the wrong tone of voice. I wish I could add a voice note to this, to show what I mean. But imagine saying "please, give me _____" in an aggressive tone of voice vs. a tone which literally comes from a place of vulnerability and need. It is very different. Not only does the need come through in your voice, but your mannerisms also change, your face changes, even microexpressions change. And even though most micromexpressions are not something we as humans observe with intention, our brains pick up on those and our doms/dommes can tell the difference.

as****

as****

Posted
1 hour ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

I love to be made to beg and for me its when my dom/domme pushes me past the point of no return. I beg when my need has become so great it takes over. The difference for me is the difference between wanting and needing something. So wait to even ask until your need is soo great it is all you can think about. Your tone of voice will change, you will be vulner@ble, and your demeanor changes to full submission.

This is put very well. It jumps from want to need. A pressure that you have to fulfill, haha. There is a whole tonal shift, to the eyes, the way the mouth holds.

Se****

Se****

Posted
  • Author
3 minutes ago, PLEASEandTEASEme said:

 

A 'please' can still sound demanding if in the wrong tone of voice. I wish I could add a voice note to this, to show what I mean. But imagine saying "please, give me _____" in an aggressive tone of voice vs. a tone which literally comes from a place of vulnerability and need. It is very different. Not only does the need come through in your voice, but your mannerisms also change, your face changes, even microexpressions change. And even though most micromexpressions are not something we as humans observe with intention, our brains pick up on those and our doms/dommes can tell the difference.

This was a written/text exchange in this instance so apparently he’s superman too for noticing EVERYTHING (and yes I’m praying he doesn’t read this comment) 😡😂

Se****

Se****

Posted
  • Author
14 minutes ago, wbl51265 said:

I agree with Please and Tease said it comes down to tone / pitch. Demanding is a normal or aggressive tone, pitch. Begging is a breathy whimpering, whining tone, higher pitch.

I see demanding as comes from a place of give me or you’re going to regret it, stating what you want, give me….

Begging comes from a place of I’m not going to survive this if I can’t…..

Your last sentence makes a lot of this make perfect sense. Thank you 

Fi****

Fi****

Posted

For me, the difference is intent. Begging offers desire while staying within the power dynamic… demanding shifts into entitlement and overrides it. “Good” begging isn’t about wording but about choosing to yield rather than push. That’s what makes it compelling

Se****

Se****

Posted
  • Author
17 minutes ago, Filli said:

For me, the difference is intent. Begging offers desire while staying within the power dynamic… demanding shifts into entitlement and overrides it. “Good” begging isn’t about wording but about choosing to yield rather than push. That’s what makes it compelling

But how…? That is more of a me thought than specifically asking for advice. I’m verbalising what I’m thinking. 

Pinkglitterybrat

Pinkglitterybrat

Posted

I think.... begging has a very different desperate kind of tone. Whereas demanding is more like firmly asking and expecting to immediately get something. Ie.. pleeeaassseee, I really need it vs give it to me right now.

Deleted Member

Posted

The thing I'm zeroing in on is if You find begging [or anything] "repetitive and boring" then why engage in it? Also, saying You aren't very good at something that you find Repetitive and Boring might not be or only be that you're not good at it..
Things that are or seem contrived To Me, naturally bore/exhaust/exasperate/frustrate/repulse ME, which, could lead to a less than enthusiastic "performance"/ reaction as perceived by the other party.
This doesn't mean I'm poor at whatever they're requesting or expecting.
Perhaps, too, it's on THEIR END that they've not quite done the job thwy should, could in order to elicit said desired result.

I hope YOU find YOUR footing and understanding as they pertain for You.

Se****

Se****

Posted
  • Author
4 minutes ago, NexumSange said:

The thing I'm zeroing in on is if You find begging [or anything] "repetitive and boring" then why engage in it? Also, saying You aren't very good at something that you find Repetitive and Boring might not be or only be that you're not good at it..
Things that are or seem contrived To Me, naturally bore/exhaust/exasperate/frustrate/repulse ME, which, could lead to a less than enthusiastic "performance"/ reaction as perceived by the other party.
This doesn't mean I'm poor at whatever they're requesting or expecting.
Perhaps, too, it's on THEIR END that they've not quite done the job thwy should, could in order to elicit said desired result.

I hope YOU find YOUR footing and understanding as they pertain for You.

Thank you for this, I always find your responses thoughtful, measured and interesting. I think I find it repetitive and boring because I’m not good at it - I feel there is only so many ways one can say please can I… please allow me… Please I’m desperate etc etc etc. I very much reply the idea of it, but I think perhaps I don’t have a fully rounded enough/thought out opinion on what it actually is. 

Deleted Member

Posted
10 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Thank you for this, I always find your responses thoughtful, measured and interesting. I think I find it repetitive and boring because I’m not good at it - I feel there is only so many ways one can say please can I… please allow me… Please I’m desperate etc etc etc. I very much reply the idea of it, but I think perhaps I don’t have a fully rounded enough/thought out opinion on what it actually is. 

I appreciate your words regarding my comment(s), your clarification, and, your seeking of knowledge for Yourself.

PL****

PL****

Posted
37 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Thank you for this, I always find your responses thoughtful, measured and interesting. I think I find it repetitive and boring because I’m not good at it - I feel there is only so many ways one can say please can I… please allow me… Please I’m desperate etc etc etc. I very much reply the idea of it, but I think perhaps I don’t have a fully rounded enough/thought out opinion on what it actually is. 

Maybe when having a conversation with your partner about begging, ask him to role play as the submissive prior so u can get an idea of what he is looking for. I often while describe a scenario to my partner of my perspective on things I wish to do better so they can help me achieve this and role plays are a tool that I've used to do this in the past. They are simply a type of improved script discussed in-between sessions and it has often provided clarification for wants and desires.

Fi****

Fi****

Posted
4 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

But how…? That is more of a me thought than specifically asking for advice. I’m verbalising what I’m thinking. 

Mhhh… for me still by intent. Begging comes from yielding, demanding comes from pushing. The how is in the mindset, not the wording

wb****

wb****

Posted
3 hours ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Thank you for this, I always find your responses thoughtful, measured and interesting. I think I find it repetitive and boring because I’m not good at it - I feel there is only so many ways one can say please can I… please allow me… Please I’m desperate etc etc etc. I very much reply the idea of it, but I think perhaps I don’t have a fully rounded enough/thought out opinion on what it actually is. 

I am 💯 a beggar, I don’t beg until I absolutely can’t not want one more sec to get xyz. And then it definitely comes out a whimpering / whining please please please please I need… At that point it becomes a game of how far can he push me before I lose all control.

If your saying what want early in play then that may be why it comes across as demanding. It may also be why it feels repetitive, it losses it nuance, wait as long as you can to say anything.

Deleted Member

Posted
7 minutes ago, wbl51265 said:

I am 💯 a beggar, I don’t beg until I absolutely can’t not want one more sec to get xyz. And then it definitely comes out a whimpering / whining please please please please I need… At that point it becomes a game of how far can he push me before I lose all control.

If your saying what want early in play then that may be why it comes across as demanding. It may also be why it feels repetitive, it losses it nuance, wait as long as you can to say anything.

Certainly.

But, I am also thinking along the lines of someone in a dominant position, and particularly in text or at a distance (cam, vid, phone), being like, "beg me for it" and the other person really not being worked into frenzy regardless of desires and such..
I can be rather aroused and willing, receptive, and then demand avoidance may kick in and just them asking or ordering xyz doesn't do it for me and Can have an opposite effect... 🤷🏻‍♂️🤔

wb****

wb****

Posted
5 hours ago, NexumSange said:

Certainly.

But, I am also thinking along the lines of someone in a dominant position, and particularly in text or at a distance (cam, vid, phone), being like, "beg me for it" and the other person really not being worked into frenzy regardless of desires and such..
I can be rather aroused and willing, receptive, and then demand avoidance may kick in and just them asking or ordering xyz doesn't do it for me and Can have an opposite effect... 🤷🏻‍♂️🤔

Begging is extremely hard to do through text; exaggerating words, emojis, phrases are all needed. With text, phone or video the only way to actually convey your begging is to flat out say, “I’m begging you please xyz”. This is going to be especially true if you and your partner haven’t worked out each other’s messaging nuances. Voice memos come in very handy in this kind of situation.

Even by phone and video you have to put more work into it sounding and feeling like begging.

When I’ve done any begging through text / chat it has always been an exaggerated please, please, please ….. same with phone and video. There are so many subtleties lost in a non face to face begging situation.

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