HOW I SET MY BOUNDARIES

[br****]

Share your script, your method, or what helped you finally speak up.

[ha****]

Boundaries are my biggest weakness because I seem to repeat over and over

[jt****]

I'm very curious about this, as I'm new to the scene and haven't necessarily had to set boundaries with the very few people I've encountered sexually.

[Csm0310]

For me boundary setting is super important in kink dynamics! It keeps everyone safe, respected, and having fun together.

Chat about your boundaries openly and clearly with your partner right from the start, before any play happens. It should feel natural and easy, not awkward or like you need a script.

If you are finding it hard to bring them up and asking others for advice on how to say it, that is a big red flag for me. In a healthy dynamic, those talks flow smoothly with no hesitation.

[no****]

So I sat on it a long time to figure out exactly what my hard limit boundaries were. That was without finding a dom or anything like that so that I knew exactly what my hard limits were. When I vet that is one of the first conversations that comes up in person. This is my limit if it is a deal breaker then we end before it starts and move on. I have soft limits that could potentially be negotiated in the right circumstances but again that wouldn't be unless it was someone I really loved and felt really connected with. And it does sometimes end badly where people get frustrated or angry or don't like my boundaries but it just tells me that they are not the right people to have in my life and I'd rather find that out right away than later down the road when they try to push the issue

[Ba****]

It took my into my 30s to be able to do this but ultimately you have to weigh being unhappy with someone or unhappy alone. For the most part, I’d rather be unhappy without that person. Staying with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, which you should lay out up front, is swallowing poison every day. You’re giving to someone who clearly doesn’t care about you.

Would you let a friend be in that situation? Likely not. You gotta be your own best friend and advocate. No one else is going to stand up for you but you.

[Sq****]

My list of bounds is quite long so I just have it saved and copy and paste to send to New potential play partners

[mi****]

I always say "safe word" is my safe word. No ambiguity, no second guessing. Very clear that way. Plenty of people take no as go without the proper discussion beforehand. This way, no excuses. I don't really use it but it's there if I need it!

Boundaries, be honest with yourself first. Actually put in the work and think about it. Let your partner(s) know in no uncertain terms. Be sober.

[Deleted Member]

Honestly a good Dom should establish these and reaffirm these before any play is initiated. Familiarity often let's this fade. But especially with a new partner these should be brought up and made clear by them for them and for you. But dynamics and play partners should strive to make you feel safe and secure, if they don't make you feel secure in bringing up your boundaries then they may not be the partner for you. And absolutely under no circumstances should you have to cross yours to appease a partner. These are YOUR boundaries not theirs. Be resolute with them and discuss if you're willing to test the limits on any so that it can be nudged not leaped over.

[ra****]

Spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts after my divorce in 2021 unpacking my own shit, and for anyone who has done that, I probably don’t have to explain that it’s an ongoing process that makes you realize that your expectations from other people as well as your boundaries will not only change over time, but will be different with each individual you have fairly regular interactions with.

Boundaries only work when you have a certain amount of self awareness because otherwise you may confuse them with ultimatums. You can’t control how another person perceives them, and more often than not, more people seem to perceive boundaries as ultimatums, so you need to know yourself well enough in order to create reasonable boundaries knowing the whole point of them is to create and MAINTAIN healthy relationships and dynamics while being able to recognize early on when the other person is not on the same level when it comes to their ability to acknowledge and be willing to work on their own toxic traits that result in one person, often unintentionally, prioritizing their ego over fostering a healthy connection between two people.

[ic****]

All boundaries (especially in the bedroom) should be respected always.

[Lu****]

I make a point to state the clearly and explicitly before any kind of play and have people repeat it back to me or ask questions to ensure we’re on the same page about it and what qualifies in different situations. After that breaking or even pushing them sometimes means complete loss of access maybe we still can be friends still if it was only pushing the boundary or something that was a lower level grievance but I won’t engage with any kind of play after a boundary is disregarded.

[ar****]

Somewhat related, a partner of mine was slow processing in the sense that she needs several days to "check in with herself", to discover how she really felt those days ago.
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In terms of intimacy, we/she relied on our connection and intention. She knew I would never cross a boundary of her willingly. But then I asked her: but what if you only realize a boundary was crossed, after several days of processing?
She replied, "in that case I accept the initial overstepping, because I was not aware of the boundary until later, and I know that you have no bad intent with me".
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That was good to hear, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I would rather be able to avoid the boundaries in advance, than later on. I was wondering if someone else may have experience dealing with slow processing/feeling in regards to boundaries?
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PS for context: there was no radical or extreme play involved, but even with slow loving touch, boundaries apply.

[MsDrawers]

I think, so much more important than minor, accidental transgressions are the intention behind them, and the extent to which healthy, consistent communication encircles them. Sometimes this can feel a littld gendered as men sometimes feel they have to act and fix. Sometimes being accessible, listening and holding space are the most precious and important things you can do. Accidents will happen, how you respond to that is *everything*

[sh****]

Learning that a common symptom of long term *** victims stop or reduce self advocating and by doing things i didnt want to i was re-enforcing other symptoms of trauma and preventing healing for myself

[pi****]

Safe words and reading the others' unspoken signals

[Deleted Member]

I've crossed boundaries, stupidly, from not reading .
Learning to take my time.
Read
Apologize
Do better
Move on
Since I was denied access
Rightfully so.

[De****]

The block button is my best friend and my greatest boundary

[li****]

This is something I need to address because I’m a people pleaser. I think I need to do a list and save it and send to any potential play partner and not be coerced or break and be strong and if they don’t like it that’s fine move on….

[ye****]

Having years of knowing me I know what I wish...
Thus being open excites me we both know

[c_****]

I tend to be the first to bring it up and I ask if they have any boundaries which leads into mine. I'd rather ask so we feel safe to share and know we are both aware and then it's done. Communication is incredibly important for everyone to feel safe to explore.

[c_****]

5 hours ago, littlemissbabydoll said:

This is something I need to address because I’m a people pleaser. I think I need to do a list and save it and send to any potential play partner and not be coerced or break and be strong and if they don’t like it that’s fine move on….

For what it's worth, if someone can't appreciate you sharing that with them, then they don't deserve anymore of your energy. Do it. You'll feel more safe and free to express yourself <3

[Bu****]

I’m newly divorced so with my wife when she was my wife, we had great communication, always telling each other what we liked, disliked, and so on. Now being divorced and putting myself back out there and being new to it all (green). I’m all ears and open to learn.

[Si****]

What helped me finally speak up, learning the difference between boys and girls. It was a long time ago and I don’t keep that trauma but that trauma changed me. I set boundaries only if I want to be around the other party and I am pretty square by personality but when I get into the heat of the moment one boundary I establish is to agree on a safe word. I am a passionate person. A safe word makes me feel comfortable being that.

[ty****]

You should not have to “finally” speak up, boundary’s should be discussed at the earliest opportunity