br**** Posted March 16 Hey, folks. We are often seen by those less experienced solely as the ones delivering and/or prescribing p@in, and I find value in destigmatizing this misconception. Can you provide insights into how you familiarize yourself with ***, your motivations, and why you view it as imperative to being a responsible sadist? Particular emphasis on treading new boundaries is appreciated. I have a particular perspective but do not want to influence the conversation too drastically.
Be**** Posted March 16 Following. Not a sadist but instead a submissive masochist and curious to see the insight of the other side of the coin so to speak
Yo**** Posted March 16 Haha something I've been wondering about myself. I've always been a sadist. And I'm subbing now, but I have the worst *** tolerance. Can't even handle getting tickled. That probably makes me a hypocrite.
Fi**** Posted March 16 *** isn’t the goal for me, it’s a tool. Responsible sadism means understanding bodies, reading reactions, and knowing when to push and when to stop… New boundaries are explored through communication and observation, not guesswork
Tr**** Posted March 16 I find it impressive because it's compstence porn in a world full of ghosts who can't even text back a man who can navigate the abyss of *** and pleasure with absolute integrity is the ultimate pillar responsible sadist have done the work irresponsible sadists are just rascals with a power trip
Tr**** Posted March 16 46 minutes ago, TrACe_n-TeThEr said: I find it impressive because it's compstence porn in a world full of ghosts who can't even text back a man who can navigate the abyss of *** and pleasure with absolute integrity is the ultimate pillar responsible sadist have done the work irresponsible sadists are just rascals with a power trip Competence
sardonicus87 Posted March 16 Part of being a responsible sadist is lots of communication to start with. What KIND of pa!n, be very specific. Where is OK and not OK, are marks OK and where are they OK and not OK, same for broken skin, etc, and again, be VERY specific. Take spanking as an example, where do you like to be hit EXACTLY, not just "on the butt" but WHERE on it... only on the sit part, only on the top meat, closer to the thigh crease, etc. What implements are OK and where are they OK. Are certain things OK to go into cold or only after some warmup and how much. Then there's actually getting to play, especially with a new person... have a plan ahead of time of what you're going to do and stick with it. Start off light, lots of check-ins, ask if the s***d is too fast, the power is too high, etc. Communicate when you're going to ramp it up. Then, always also have first aid and know how to use it. If sharps will be involved, proper sharps disposal. And of course know how to do what you're doing, know some basic anatomy, etc.
br**** Posted March 17 Author My first contribution: where practical, you can bet I have already practiced and mastered new BSDM acts on myself prior to incorporating them into a scene. Impact, breath play, rope play and other restraints all immediately come to mind. Tolerances and sensitivity are imperative to bear in mind. I have a high *** tolerance and am able to push myself physically. This does not generally correlate 1:1 to my subs and, as such, it was paramount I become intimately familiar with their relative limits.
xX**** Posted March 17 5 hours ago, YourPrettySlave said: Haha something I've been wondering about myself. I've always been a sadist. And I'm subbing now, but I have the worst *** tolerance. Can't even handle getting tickled. That probably makes me a hypocrite. My own *** tolerance isn’t the highest either, but I feel like that just allows you to have a more intimate experience with *** when you’re experiencing it yourself and how that might translate to how to apply that to a sub
Ba**** Posted March 17 An example is when I’m spanking someone with an implement, I’ll occasionally hit my palm with the implement to remind my self of the *** I’m causing. The *** has thicker skin than what I’m hitting so it helps me calm the sadist in me. This is a good time to reassure, praise, have some sensation play before starting the intensity lower with a slow build up.
sardonicus87 Posted March 17 Oh as to the other part, sounds like an implication that a sadist must/should feel or experience the same things as what they're doing to others. I don't think that's necessarily true. Not only does everyone's pa!n tolerance differ in general, it differs for different kinds of it within an individual. Your experience of a particular pa!n play thing won't be the same as someone elses, so it doesn't really inform you of much of anything. Their feedback is important, not what you feel when you go through the same treatment. The only exception to this is maybe testing an implement on yourself. Some may prefer "stingy" over "thuddy" or vice verse, and that's less subjective, you can smack yourself with something and tell if it will be stingy or thuddy. So no, you don't really need to experience it on yourself to know what you're doing or be safe, absolutely not imperative to being responsible. That's an extension of the "you must bottom before you can top" nonsense. If you're not a switch, you won't ever know how things are for the bottom if it's not your thing. It's a load of romanticized hogwash.
br**** Posted March 17 Author Hence, why I said where practical sardonicus. And there’s no right or wrong way, no must, to anything in kink. The intention to present an intellectual discussion for those less experienced, so do better and don’t be so dismissive/condescending.
sardonicus87 Posted March 17 I wasn't being condescending. You never said "where practical". Actually what you posted makes no sense. You want to see condescending... you're trying too hard to be deep and you're not. This isn't remotely intellectual and you clearly have an idea that I don't agree with and you don't like that. "We're seen solely as the ones delivering and/or prescribing pa!n." No we aren't. Although that is entirely the point of S&M, nobody sees sadists/masochists as the only ones that do pa!n, even by newbies. That's just made up nonsense, nobody thinks that. "Provide insights how you familiarize yourself with pa!n, your motivations, and why you view it as imperative to being responsible". Never mind that this sentence has NOTHING to do with the previous opening sentence, I answered that... you do it by talking and communication, not experiencing on yourself. You're the one making presumptions "why do you view it as imperative"... clearly not everyone does. That's where YOU are also the one implying a one way, not me. I gave a counter-opinion to that notion, you don't like it. You're the one who's not engaging intellectually in your so-called "intellectual discussion". YOU do better.
sardonicus87 Posted March 17 Or if what you meant to say was that people view sadists as only giving and masochists as only receiving... well that is by definition what they are regarding pa!n, which then means you're implying it's a misconception that sadists in general don't receive ***, and that actually [implied most] sadists receive *** in order to be more responsible, which is simply not true. Some think that and do that, but it is by far not common. And my own opinion is that is not true, and I stated why. There's a trope, largely untrue, that you must bottom before you can top. This comes from "old guard" and "one true way" nonsense and seems to be what you're implying, so you're the only one claiming one true way, and implying things like that you must experience *** to be responsible (use of imperative). Shouldn't I continue, or do you want to unjustly accuse me of something else?
Ti**** Posted March 17 He does have some valid points though. I don't see him as being egotistical at all.
Ti**** Posted March 17 27 minutes ago, brandonovangogh said: But, hey, I greatly appreciate you letting your egotistical tirade derail my thread 🙄 He does have some valid points though. I don't see him as being egotistical at all.
Ti**** Posted March 17 4 hours ago, sardonicus87 said: Or if what you meant to say was that people view sadists as only giving and masochists as only receiving... well that is by definition what they are regarding pa!n, which then means you're implying it's a misconception that sadists in general don't receive ***, and that actually [implied most] sadists receive *** in order to be more responsible, which is simply not true. Some think that and do that, but it is by far not common. And my own opinion is that is not true, and I stated why. There's a trope, largely untrue, that you must bottom before you can top. This comes from "old guard" and "one true way" nonsense and seems to be what you're implying, so you're the only one claiming one true way, and implying things like that you must experience *** to be responsible (use of imperative). Shouldn't I continue, or do you want to unjustly accuse me of something else? I agree with your comments about the old guard and one true way. I find this way of thinking and a number of those who say they are OG are the most judgemental and often don't think there are a number of ways to engage in the lifestyle. Their way is right, any other way is wrong
br**** Posted March 17 Author It’s a miss imo to make comments about the old guard’s one true way being wrong while simultaneously saying another’s way of thinking is also wrong and trying to turn this into a debate. His first comment was great and appreciated, but misery loves company as they say
Yo**** Posted March 17 16 hours ago, xX_waVey_Xx said: My own *** tolerance isn’t the highest either, but I feel like that just allows you to have a more intimate experience with *** when you’re experiencing it yourself and how that might translate to how to apply that to a sub You're saying you like the intensity that comes with having a lower threshold. Good way of looking at it.
xX**** Posted March 17 4 minutes ago, YourPrettySlave said: You're saying you like the intensity that comes with having a lower threshold. Good way of looking at it. lol in a way I guess I am. I view it the same as an alcohol tolerance, sure it can be seen negatively to be a ‘lightweight’ but it takes you less to get the results that you need I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of pa!n because I enjoy being on the giving end but there’s no shame in you being more sensitive in my opinion
Yo**** Posted March 17 2 minutes ago, xX_waVey_Xx said: lol in a way I guess I am. I view it the same as an alcohol tolerance, sure it can be seen negatively to be a ‘lightweight’ but it takes you less to get the results that you need I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of pa!n because I enjoy being on the giving end but there’s no shame in you being more sensitive in my opinion Excellent metaphor. This is a voice of experience right here.
Ti**** Posted March 17 12 minutes ago, brandonovangogh said: It’s a miss imo to make comments about the old guard’s one true way being wrong while simultaneously saying another’s way of thinking is also wrong and trying to turn this into a debate. His first comment was great and appreciated, but misery loves company as they say He wasn't saying that it was wrong, just that it's not just one way-the old guard way- which is true. The lifestyle is varied, there is no right way, apart from the safe, consensual way.
xX**** Posted March 17 54 minutes ago, Tink_Belongs_To_M said: He wasn't saying that it was wrong, just that it's not just one way-the old guard way- which is true. The lifestyle is varied, there is no right way, apart from the safe, consensual way. I agree, I think testing things on yourself first as a dom would to be to ease personal concerns more than it being the ‘correct’ way to dom from my own personal experiences I have less apprehension towards a new tool/toy that could cause real harm if I have more experience with it But that doesn’t mean that communication isn’t paramount (To be clear this isn’t disagreeing with anything you said. Just piggybacking)
Cade Posted March 17 On 3/16/2026 at 10:55 AM, brandonovangogh said: Hey, folks. We are often seen by those less experienced solely as the ones delivering and/or prescribing p@in, and I find value in destigmatizing this misconception. Can you provide insights into how you familiarize yourself with ***, your motivations, and why you view it as imperative to being a responsible sadist? Particular emphasis on treading new boundaries is appreciated. I have a particular perspective but do not want to influence the conversation too drastically. I think it is difficult to understand how - as a sadist - one becomes familiar with päïn. For me, it boils down to an accumulation of experiences that began as a child, which grew into a passion for wanting to understanding how to inflict it effectively and efficiently (concept of consent and risk awareness, as key examples). Realizing all sensation is entirely personal and subjective to the individual, I realized becoming familiar with päïn was actually more an exercise in better understanding myself; the more prolific process for my understanding of inflicting is to understand the science behind S/M (as an activity, itself). In the above consideration, this is where I feel you're asking the proper question: What are your motivations? We can simplify päïn as "intense sensation" (which then covers a wider range of sensations a sadist might keep in their toolbox). With it being a deliberate intense sensation, it follows much the same itinerary as other forms of communication: the sender (sadist), the message (intense sensation), and the receiver (masochist). Since the "message" originates with the sadist, their intent and motivation will skew the sensation, positive or negative. To answer the motivation question: sadism is how I express my passion and share intimacy within a relationship, suffering is my love language.
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