What happened to the good old days?

[mu****]

40 minutes ago, oliver6996 said:

(Apologies this is long, but if you take the time, I appreciate it, but here is a brief summary.

Key take away:
1. **Preferences over occupation**
2. **No universal consensus on what is considered a dom or sub, plus no governing body to regulate, or an official kink society**
3. **No legal ramifications for using the title without experience**
4. **Gatekeeping by those with experience, allowing them to decide who and who doesn’t become a sub or dom**
5. **Pandora box with other kinks, like pet play, ***** ******, and others**
6. **Kink will less be about exploring and more about prestige and status
7. Potential for *** **
8. **NO Dom or Sub, have ever or could never be considered official, because no guidelines have been established - no one is a true dom, or true sub**
9. **Stigmatism of caused by the *** of potentially recognised doms of subs **
10. **The death of the core component of kink, exploration, acceptance, and consenting fun.**



*That’s like the chicken and the egg scenario.

Dom just means your dominant, and sub means your submissive, these are broad terms and are not indicative of any specific dynamic.

A person can generally dislike, all the attributes of being submissive, much like a person who is submissive can dislike being dominant.

If you are seeking employment in either role, such as being a sub to a dom, or dom to a sub - that’s a bit different, as one carries a certain financial stance; meaning you need to know they are a professional.


People can say they kind, or dislike being rude - without formal training in each attribute, it’s an observation- however, if you feel your able to teach people kindness, you need the training to understand what this actually means.

Everyone can be kind, do nice things for others, but can they educate others how to be kind? Probably not - because they themselves have not had training in understanding the concept of kindness to be able to influence people.

(“Urrm I just got hella side tracked, and maybe don’t make sense, but we’ll see”)


So there is a big difference between someone say they are a dom, and one saying they are a professional dom - one comes with more experience than the other.

However, the part where the chicken and egg comes from is- where do you begin. You yourself never was a dom to begin with, so did you get formal training on how to be one? Or did you trial and error, until you understand more about if.

Then you have to first say you’re interested in this, because it allows you to test the waters with someone who wishes to be submissive.

There is a big difference between professional and just being a dom, it’s not pedantic, it’s a level of education in the field.

So, people who have had experience can call themselves subs or doms, or even use the title to show a preference- does that mean they will have the same experience as a professional dom, no.

I do agree with one aspect of your statement, that understanding the importance of after care, respect and safety.

What you are also describing is like a form of gatekeeping- only those in the know can be a dom, and only those in the know can be a sub.

Dominate and sub have never been official titles, they are just to indicate a preference- not a level of training, let’s say it goes back to being official, how would you quantify this?

Does how many times you have done a certain dynamic dictate if you can use the tile?

Does the person who taught you determine if you can call yourself a dom?

How about the person who taught them, did they really get training by another person — or did people, decide they have a preference, and explore it inside the realms of a relationship where you both experiment.

If your advocating for official dom and sub training centres, or programmes, fair enough- but if your saying “I’ve been trained, I’ve had experience, only I can call myself a dom” - it’s kind of subjective, because there are no set parameters that dictate this; so it becomes a form of gatekeeping, as people who are experienced get to decide who they train, and who they don’t.

Like, when you study a certain subject, if you do a degree, you get a certification of your education, proving your experience and expertise. But with dom and subs, where is no qualification, there is no formal recognition, there is no government body, no official title…. No stamp of approval.

Kink, and expression of difference types of sexual preferences and well… kinks, has only been allowed to suddenly be de stigmatised, because people are allowed to explore, allowed to self identify to then try it for themselves. To have empathy one must experience, but to start you have to have a middle ground- a point of self identification, to which the desire can be explored.

Let’s say, we bring back what your asking (point there has never been a universal certification or recognition of dom or sub), then those who want to be a dom or a sub, need training.

Great, now you have an influx of people wanting the title of dom, or sub, but who has the right to give the training?

And if they have to receive training, what gives the incentive to these people to train fairly - like they can chose based on a bias, their own preference, or anything in between; there are no rules.

Unlike professions, like being a doctor or scientists, you can easily lie about being a dom - no government will put a stop to this, nor do they want to, because it’s like opening Pandora box.

Will every kink need training- say your into puppy play, do you need to meet a puppy master - do you need to understand dog training to fully fulfill the role?

See if opens up a whole range of activities that will be gated, without the rules and governmental authority to put punishments in place.

The lifestyle of kink is about exploration, but if you start to add rules, things become less about exploration, and more about control

“Only I get to decide the future subs and doms”

Unlike say becoming a doctor, if you present yourself unbecoming of one you can lose your title, face finical backlash, be prosecuted, and be removed due to plagiarism.

So if comes down to whether we want to make kink a lifestyle or a occupation; if you want to make it official title holders only, you have to create a universal controller of the titles, which have some political influence- if this happens, I’m sure many will be too ***ful of exploring, something that defines kink for many years - the *** to not be able to explore, the *** of others not understanding, and the hate that comes with this ignorance.

So, however you want to say or think only “I” have the right to call myself a dom, at the moment these have no real value.

Maybe a education system should be set up, like hobbies or lifestyles - maybe midnight classes on how to be a dom or sub

But, a single universal authority or group will need to be established, which will need to happen, otherwise, physical ***, emotionally, and financial *** can be exploited, without any real consequences; because the individual becoming a dom, or sub, knows it’s the only way to become one.*

Everyone has to start somewhere.. lmao midnight classes to become d/s certified otherwise using the title should have legal ramifications? The government needs to put a stop to this? You’re wild bro.. I think the government has bigger fish to fry 🤯

[Ro****]

Just like the old idea of school has changed so has the rest of the world. With more information available than ever before, there is more opportunity to self teach. Also you are more likely able to find like minded individuals with preseverence. Also one idea of "training" for one person is not another's. There's more than one way.

[Li****]

The amount of subs now that push “no safe word” 🤮

[ey****]

I mean, the simplest and shortest answer is - if things were "so good" and it was only 20 years ago - where all the subs, slaves, masters, Dommes, etc from then - like they'll only be 40-50 (oh, like me... hmm... my memory is somewhat different to the above, but humour this) 

there's no reason to care if a 22 year old sub isn't a "real sub" or if a 25 year old Master isn't a "real Master" - focus on all the people from that cherry-picked era as if it was so good they'd all still be about and fully trained. 

[Deleted Member]

Sounds the world has evolved for the better without you

[ca****]

It might not just be me but the old times sound a lot more enjoyable with this being an example, having a learning in this would make everything so much easier

[su****]

As of late I’ve only met one dom who was a true dom. Most guys who call themselves “dom” nowadays are just selfish narcissistic a*holes. They think being a dom is solely about having their needs served with no regard for the sub. What happened to mutual respect? What happened to taking care of your partner? The kids are not alright

[to****]

1 hour ago, madrose333 said:

The Internet is a double-edged sword. Yes, it makes it easier to find and integrate into the community, but it also makes it easier for people who really don't understand kink to access information that can be dangerous. Maybe they're well-intentioned and curious, just a little misguided. Maybe they are being nefarious.

I don't like the idea of gatekeeping. The community still has workshops and training available to those who want it, but the problem with being more visible is that it exposes the community to people who want to *** the things that kink holds sacred.

I see it more with younger men who think "dominant"means they just get to en*** manosphere ideas with a heavy hand and they are entitled to have rough sex, but it's also a problem with submissives. I've run into so many people who claim they are submissive when really they are looking to dissociate through sex so they don't have to think and can just be told what to do. Either way, most of these people have never been to a club. 50 Shades certainly didn't help things, but it's so much more than that.

Also, yeah, my guy. Nothing's stopping you from doing that. Society didn't grant you that power, but the fact that that crossed your mind is more an issue with how you view yourself and the disingenuous way that you know men are capable of doing awful things. As a trans woman, I can assure you that no trans woman has ever gone into the ladies room without thinking about all the ways it could go wrong for them or for other people using the restroom. I avoided public restrooms altogether unless I knew it to be a safe establishment or had an AFAB friend go with me. And I didn't just slap on a dress. I went through years of therapy, mind-affecting and body-altering medication, complete social transition, and, in my case, earned a Master's degree in Gender and Sexuality Studies before I ever publicly called myself a woman and walked into a ladies' room. It sounds like your problem isn't with trans women, it's with men. Maybe this was just poor wording, but if you feel that it's so easy, perhaps you should aim to keep men more accountable.

I think the fact that I clarified it was an analogy and you choose to take offense to it anyways is an issue. Nothings endears people to your cause like making them walk on eggshells, eh? No one was talking about anyone doing diddly squat in a bathroom. It was to point out the stupidity of saying someone can’t call themselves of a dom. But please, go ahead and stir the pot some more and make it all about you.

[Di****]

In my area, many people hop on these apps now without joining the local kink communities. And since the rise of the apps, the local communities have started to dwindle. Covid also really did a number on us. It took our spaces to gather. It's been pretty awful.

[ObidentlyMe]

Ughhhh the struggle is too real. My inbox is full of fakes giving instructions. Sir. You don’t even know me. Huge turn off.

[Lu****]

Technology has given people the ability to have an alter ego and not be true to themselves.

[ma****]

Train the Doms and subs! Yesss.
Doms these days just want to dominate and ab@se for fun with no respect or restraint. 🥺🙅🏻‍♀️😳
I believe Fet has classes
https://bdsm-training-school.fetish.com/

[Gi****]

I am one hundred percent feeling this post. I’m new but have done my research and taken Kink 101 class with a local group. The amount of times I’ve seen people (men mostly) say “I’m a Dom” “Need a sub with or without experience”and expecting immediate submission. I then ask these men about the fundamentals and their answers are disturbing and concerning. Then I get blocked. Not the type of people who should be leading another person in the their sexual desires. So dangerous. And no shade but you are not experienced if you don’t know the basics. Stay safe out there. Don’t blindly follow or lead people without knowing what you’re doing. Just because they say they are sub or Dom/me doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Talk, engage and negotiate the boundaries of your dynamic. And if you can take a class on your kink or join a kink group that hosts courses. Knowledge is power and safety. Be safe out there

[Ki****]

That’s what I’m looking for the old guard style Dom

[Deleted Member]

Oh yeah, things have truly gone downhill... the floodgates opened with 50 shades movies. A few years later the younger generation took over and dom/sub had hundreds of new categories that divided the community and worse most people choose titles they wanted not what they actually were... now it's just a mess of wanna bees and excuses to *** people. Not at all what it used to be.

[Gi****]

Agree with this whole post.

[Ba****]

Well around next year i can at the earliest claim „having been in the lifestyle a couple of decades“ and a dom being trained directly by a more experienced dom was already ancient folklore when i was young(local legend said a good dom had to start as a sub)

Getting occasional advice is relatively common thing, even got more common and accessible in recent years but almost everybody i know is self-educated

So when was „the good old days“??
Are you really waxing poetically about the chivalrous courting of the time before domestic *** got recognized and when „the old guard“ didn’t need to ask a sub to get their colourful cocks sucked because their monopoly on power in the local scene did most of the work for them??

Remember people who where not there only know a few of the best and a lot of the bad of your times and only if they are extra nerdy or in one of the few communities with a long and active history

[Ba****]

V.I.O.L.E.N.C.E is among the words not recognized to be potentially relevant on this app

[Da****]

I am trained but still see where my DD is shaping and mold me into a better lg for him.

[Deleted Member]

Tell you what. I'd love for there to be people trained and willing to teach others. But in reality they aren't around. Take a scroll through the local Fetlife. 90% of posts are guys simply asking for sex. You bring up something real and everyone says "good luck". Very few meet-ups and even those have gatekeepers.

This is thr point you make it a do-ocracy, meaning if you want something done than do it. You want people to be trained start training or start organizing. I love the idea, but I've got zero of the ability or cred to even start with that.

[PL****]

As a sub I would say it is difficult now, in some ways because of the performances portrayed within media. I have been in the lifestyle 27 yrs. and in all that time there has been performance, but now it doesn't include the give and take seen within a true partnership. The other issue is the anonymity apps/websites/etc. bring. Within that anonymity comes more confidence in being blatantly whoever the individual wishes to portray. The social structure has changed. There isn't the time to build a relationship as the normative standard. As such, those of us who do it in the way that is considered proper and with consent, respect, communication, and value as cornerstones; the cornerstones are not as highly prized attributes. It's about the impulse buy and fulfillment of unrealistic expectations.

[Ca****]

I'd say this is an evolving topic. Kink is for everyone and everyone has a kink (IMHO). Buttttt...you are very correct, lots of folks missing access to safety, etc. Honestly, should be some legit training and education for the masses to be informed. Think the bigger issue is as a society, our leaders aren't strong Dominant men. My personal opinion.

[ma****]

5 hours ago, EntheogenWarrior said:

I think the fact that I clarified it was an analogy and you choose to take offense to it anyways is an issue. Nothings endears people to your cause like making them walk on eggshells, eh? No one was talking about anyone doing diddly squat in a bathroom. It was to point out the stupidity of saying someone can’t call themselves of a dom. But please, go ahead and stir the pot some more and make it all about you.

You misunderstand. I don't care nearly enough about you to be offended by you.

[an****]

“Good old days” no longer exist, Boomer. You have failed to progress with the times. This is a you issue.

[Mr****]

3 minutes ago, angles1975A said:

“Good old days” no longer exist, Boomer. You have failed to progress with the times. This is a you issue.

#bratlife