Random question(d) from a beginner sub

[Li****]

Let me start by saying that I am a new member of the kink community and I have never had a Dom or contract/dynamic in my entire life.

My question as a new submissive who's trying to set up a real life dynamic. Is it normal for a sub, to sit here constantly wondering and worrying if they will ever be enough. Or hate seeing the activity on an app that their Dom interest is doing with other subs (females). Such as commenting on their pics and videos.

Or the biggest question is am I just way in over my head and how do I know if I should just give up before it even begins before I get to far ahead of myself that I start to overthink and mentally exhaust myself before anything even starts?

[Do****]

As a new sub it can be a daunting world in the lifestyle and, I think, it is perfectly normal to go through a lots of conflicting emotions. What I will say though is that there are a great many fake ‘doms’ out there that seem to think that if they’ve watched fifty shades they know it all. That movie did not do this lifestyle any favours at all. The D/s dynamic is built on trust and respect and without those things, which develop over time, it may very well fail. A good Dom should also care greatly for his sub. After all, he is charge of their welfare and development. Take care out there!

[Do****]

First and foremost, just be patient.
Trust takes time.
I often say, if you rush into something it will fail bexause you did not build a good foundation.
Also have a open line of communication.

[Deleted Member]

It's important that you each know and understand what is most important to each other. If seeing him give attention to other subs is scary and hurtful for you then he needs to know that and respect your desires, conversely if you are trying to form a relationship with someone who doesn't mind having multiple relationships at once while you do then you should probably reconsider being with him as doing so won't be good or happy for either of you.

[Deleted Member]

We were all new at some point. I can only answer your question from my perspective. First, I don't like to use the word 'normal'. As another sub who hasn't had a Dom I do wonder sometimes why a Dom hasn't approached me. But I also don't have any hopes for a specific person as my Dom. My question to you, since it sounds like that is the situation you're in, have you spoken with this person or expressed to him/her your interest?

As for this person's liking of pics, I think a lot of people do that to a degree. I tend to look for shabari pics because I like good rope work. And yes, there are some that just go to look at the pics. That is just a individualistic thing.

As for are you in over your head, only you can answer that question. I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Such as:

Are you looking at kink as just a thing in the bedroom?
What type of relationship do you want, such as D/s, M/s, just kink in the bedroom or outside of bedroom as well.

Lastly I'll say, if you haven't gotten involved in your local community, once you answer those questions do that. There are people that will mentor a new sub and help you learn who you are, what you like, etc. There are also some good books you can read, so look into that as well. I hope this helps.

[Ma****]

Wow! There are a lot layers to this question or should I say questions. I will give you my perspective as an Alpha Dom for over 30 years.

#1 - you need to understand the differences in Dom styles and what you are wanting/willing to accept as part of D/s relationship. Some Doms are monogamous and only want one sub at a time and others want multiple and a rotation of subs. You get to decide which you prefer.

#2 - in my opinion you should never worry if you are “enough” as a sub unless that is a particular kink that you like leveraging as part of the dynamic. Otherwise your Doms job is to make your feel safe, trusted and ultimately complete in your role as sub. It’s why discussing what your expectations, limits, fantasies and goals are prior to ever being physical with a Dom are paramount and necessary. It gives you both a foundation to work from and leaves very little surprises or unexpected experiences if done correctly.

#3 - you have the right to feel the way to feel and should feel safe in your space to communicate your feelings and being heard when you do communicate.

#4 - don’t be afraid to move on to find what you want and get what you want out of D/s.

[Deleted Member]

Don’t feel like you need to settle if you haven’t found the right Dom yet. Really! Take your time; it’s a big decision.

Experienced Doms should take time to get to know you and should make you feel more secure, not less. Keep an open line of communication no matter what, both positive and constructive.

PS: you may need to clarify with them what they see this particular dynamic looks like and if it aligns with what you truly want. Also, try to keep a note of what you like, don’t like and why. It’ll help, promise!

[ddidom]

A sub can often question themselves in these ways, whether it comes from a long standing insecurity, lack of confidence or mistreatment in the past, submissives seem to suffer in this way more than most and overthinking is also very common. A good dom will give you patience care and affection and work with you on these things and help you build confidence and strength over the course of your time together. You set boundaries and goals together. It isnt all about you giving and them taking, its about building and growing your connection together emotionally and physically. If they arent willing to give you the time and patience you need to grow then they arent the one for you. 

[Sq****]

Everything set up by your dynamic dominant should be tailored to you; your wants, needs, and expectations. Communication should be clear and your boundaries established within all of that. It's their job to respect those boundaries while also steadily expanding them to your comfort level or maintaining them exactly where you need them, depending on what's communicated. You have all of the power, they are just the leadership within that scope.

[Ba****]

Well depending on how new everything is to you maybe start with research, self-reflection and exploration
And before you start getting weirdly jealous(¿) of random strangers find a nice group of females (other subs) for information, support and safety, don’t rush into a tragedy you’ll have enough time to worry about getting a dom after that, know who you are first

Bonus tip; be wary of everyone who introduces themself unprompted using random titles and modifiers that are not directly relevant to the situation

[my****]

So monogamy isn’t a curse word. It’s your dynamic you can be involved in any way you like. I am monogamous with every sub I’ve ever been with. I only have the attention span to deal with one at a time. I like that you worry you’re not enough, that kind of insecurity if kept in check by a good dynamic would keep you grateful and engaged, but unfortunately could be ***d by the wrong dom. I suggest you find yourself through reading, asking questions, and an active fantasy life and when you put that together you’ll be able to find someone who is closer to your needs than a collector of subs.

[th****]

Part of the problem there (separate from bdsm experience) is that at the end of the day, this is a dating app. For us kinky folks, yes, but it's still a dating app. That comes with the fact that we are given a constantly updating list of options of people to talk to, so of course one starts talking to the new, exciting, sexy person that popped up in their feed or sent them a spark or whatever the case may be, and that gives a hit of dopamine. Repeat ad nauseam. All that being said, a dating app certainly isn't the vibe if you have any insecurity about yourself, as it will only exacerbate said insecurity. Take it one day at a time and live in the moment tbh

[Ka****]

Hello and good morning Lilith!

As a fellow submissive, your correct in a way. It is normal for a sub (and even doms) to wonder/worry if they will be enough. Especially if your new and still learning who you are as a submissive.

One person already said it, but having personal insecurities of your own does not help the situation. It's always a good idea to ensure that you are in a good mental head space AND have a strong relationship with yourself before entering into any dynamic or relationship of this caliber.

With that being said, insecurities, jealousy, and even doubt will still creep in. Those are natural human emotions and they are not bad or wrong. Its how you handel them and work through them that can make them bad/wrong/toxic.

When discussing a dynamic with a dom/tamer, or which ever title they carry, you have to advocate for yourself on what dynamic you want. If you don't want them having other submissives you need to specify that for yourself. If you dont mind having other submissives around you still need to share your limits on what you can handel. If you don't know them then still communicate that and take things slowly.

Kink and BDSM is a great way to learn who you are, what you like, and how you want to live your life. But it is relationship Olympics and while yes, we give our submission to others, service to your personal needs and wants from yourself is just as, if not more important.

Your not in over your head. Your learning. You'll know if your in over your head when the emotions and things you feel are all negative with nothing positive with any dom you meet.

P.S. Forgive any grammar mistakes I made. 😁😁

[Se****]

Firstly, let me introduce myself, woman to woman. I’m a sub and my Dom is a lovely guy, always caring about my welfare. Also, he has become a good friend eg. we go to gigs, restaurants etc but leave the D/s play at home. But we’re both relatively new to the dynamic (18 months) and are both learning as we go along; evolving, changing our desires & boundaries etc every so often. We also both have FWBs for extra sex from time to time (& both of us have experienced some jealousy about that even though we’re not an actual couple!) but no FWBs who are Doms or subs. We kind of save that just for each other. So I’m very happy.
So. Welcome to the club my love😃.
Now. To your questions.
Can you spot the common thread in everyone else’s comments so far? That one word that is the answer to nearly all your questions (if not all)?
COMMUNICATION.
Talk, discuss, tell, speak EVERYTHING you need to with your Dom.
I can’t stress that enough.
If you’re over thinking, tell him or her. It’s quite common. My Dom and I both do it and we often have to thrash out together what’s on our mind. Very normal and common I think.
GOOD LUCK and enjoy. If D/s is for you, it’s fun and very sexy.

[ca****]

It’s very common to have those feelings. And it happens to Dom(me)s as well. The feeling of not being good enough, of wondering if you are pleasing your partner, all of that. I get it all the time.

Communication is the key, as others have said. Even in the most extreme of relationships, it’s all by choice and negotiation and extensive, ongoing discussion. You and your partner need to always discuss your needs and wants and desires. Never assume anything, and only give what you are willing and comfortable to give.

If your Dom plays with other people, or spends lots of time viewing profiles and such, then the communication is even higher. You need to learn what you need (time, communication, regular quality time, whatever) and discuss it with them. It’s very similar to polyamory or relationship anarchy - high levels of quality communication. It doesn’t mean *you* don’t matter.

That being said. If your partner does *not* communicate with you, if you feel like they aren’t listening, or don’t care about your feelings, then sometimes you do need to move on.

Take care!

[Li****]

Thank you everyone for your answers! It gives me so much to think about. I'm definitely going to be thinking about this useful information in my time ahead ❤️ much love to you all!

[Lizard]

I'm pretty sure at some point all of us have overthunk our Kink or fetish, if you will. Just be yourself know what you want. Do you want somebody to control you or be a mutual agreement. Try different Forks in the road if it doesn't feel right, and it. Then take the next four find out what you didn't like from the previous Lane and expand on what the parts that felt good or meant to you and expand on those. You might go down a path that you had no idea even existed. That's the fun part. Don't get me wrong it can all be as fun as you want to make it or as dark as you want it takes that special person to have that connection with you that you both pretty much know what you want or want to explore. some people are into different things than others. that's why we are here. But I would definitely not recommend stepping back from it you felt something at one point so that means your willing to explore, expand your horizons. Just don't give up, and don't overthink it. Best of luck to you. I would just like to find that special someone who won't judge me or look down on me because of my kink. It took me quite a few years to come out of my shell, but once I did, it felt great. To know that I'm not the only one out there is awesome.😏🫠

[Daddybrains]

Most of what you’re feeling has nothing to do with Dom/sub dynamics. The change for you might be that, because Dom/sub dynamics (and polyamory or scene play dynamics) require better, more frequent, more honest communication than mundane relationships, all the feels are “in your face.” It’s a lot.

Rule 1: Have a spine; submissives get boundaries and need to stand up for themselves. Say NO when you feel NO.

Rule 2: The relationship rules that matter are the ones you and your Dom make with each other; everyone else and their advice (including me and mine) can pound sand. Don’t want him commenting on other photos? Maybe that’s reasonable, maybe not — but talk about it.

Rule 3. The Dom doesn’t define your worth. The actions of the Dom don’t change your worth. Are you “enough?” Enough for what? What do you bring to the relationship? Hint: your “gift of submission” isn’t enough. But being someone who makes him want to be a better man? Gold.

Best of success to you. Don’t give up. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t overthink yourself into a spiral. Learn. Breathe. You got this.

[mi****]

It sounds like you've got a lot of insecurity holding you back. I would suggest telling whoever you're involved with that so they can help you work through it.

As far as the actual question, it's perfectly normal to think those things. It's also pretty difficult to actually be "not good enough" for anyone who is actually interested in you outside of bed.
Now if your lifestyle ends up being just in bed, that comes full circle right back to you discussing it with whoever you're involved with. Communication will get you over most obstacles in kink.

[Va****]

Lilith hi 👋 everything you get from here is and will be opinions of people who only know the parts you have written out here so most information will be great in some aspect and not so great in others... im sure everyone that has responded here has told you that you need to sit your dom that you have referred to here about the tagged posts and or vids he has commented on... only way to settle your nerves down and get out of the hole of self worth is to ask him or her why the reason if any that they did what they did... communication in this lifestyle isn't just required it's life it's self... being honest about where you stand weather it ends the newly formed relationship or builds it up trust in your dom... I wish you the best and hope this helps...

[Sh****]

It's entirely dependant on what you want. The submissive has more voice than the Dom, what you say is what is allowed to happen. Doms are only in charge because you allow them to be, that's what submission is. If you don't want a Dom to have multiple subs don't be with that Dom. It is a relationship just like any other, both parties have to agree on the terms. "Doms" who ignore those boundaries and *** their wants against your interest is not practicing BDSM, that's a crime.

On the subject of self worth it's common for subs to feel a lacking of themselves. The job of the Dom is to help rein*** that you are enough if that's what you want. If you want to be genuinely degraded for who you are that's what will happen, the sub dictates the dynamics and the Dom is here to give structure for those dynamics to happen.

If you're new keep it small, find someone about as new as you and explore together. Or someone who will treat you softly until you learn where you want to be in BDSM.

[Se****]

Normal is subjective but lots of people do what you’re describing - worry about being enough, me being one of them (weirdly I also worry about being too much as well but that’s a whole other story).

From what you’ve said I think the first thing you need to look at is not whether you’re enough, his actions already seem to be compounding the idea that you aren’t, but whether he’s what you actually want and need.

Sit with it for a bit, work out if you’re actually really interested in someone who is blatantly showing they have interest in others - can you handle that? Do you want someone only interested in you? Will the actions he’s currently displaying have a worsening impact on your feelings of self worth?

What do you truly want and need from a relationship and/or a Dom - I’m not talking about the D/s side of it per se, I’m talking about the kind of person you want and the qualities they have and the way they treat you. With this out and a lot of the rest will follow and it doesn’t need to be a finite list, it can, and likely will, have some fluidity to it and may change completely over time.

When it comes to “being enough” that’s a harder thing to deal with BUT I can say that having the right role in your life can help with it. Ones that are steady and constant, ones who do what they say they will, ones who don’t lose their temper easily and who try to understand and support you, ones who provide reassurance and they do exist (even though they’re few and far between).

My inbox is open (or on here) if you want to talk.

[la****]

Don't over complicate it. A relationship is a relationship. Figure out what you want out of it and set that boundary. You want emotional/physical monogomy? go for that. If it doesn't feel good, physically or emotionally, don't do it.

But if you feel like it's just insecurities getting in the way, do the work and take a hard look at why you feel that way. Insecurities are just the muscles that have gotten the most use. Work on self love and security and those feelings will get louder than the negative ones 😁💕

[as****]

The dynamic CAN be explicitly of your own design.

They're no rules accept one.

As the sub. You are ultimately in charge.

You set the playbook.

The dominant gets to run the plays you've allowed.

That is it.

Communication is key.

It's exactly the same as a relationship in the vanilla world. You wouldn't tolerate things that upset you there. You don't tolerate it in the kinky world.

The hard part. Is finding someone who genuinely matches your needs.

Good luck, be safe and have fun!

[TH****]

People already covered it well. But the largest thing that is important to remember through everything related to this is there is not 1 answer. Your relationship with whoever you talk to is yours. And includes all dynamics and boundaries. And at the end of the day respecting those is the most important thing.