Random question(d) from a beginner sub

[as****]

Appears the original poster has been blocked but the question is one I feel a lot of newbies fall in to the trap of... in believing that Dominant's are trained black belt 'kink' specialists... And 'subs' must endure and accept. Face plant emoji.

Dominants are just people who like control. Nothing special.

** The Important Bit **

The dynamic CAN be explicitly of your own design and choosing.

They're no rules accept ONE.

As the sub. YOU are ultimately in charge.

You set the playbook.

The dominant gets to run the plays you've allowed. END OF.

That is it.

Communication is key.

It's exactly the same as a relationship in the vanilla world. You wouldn't tolerate things that upset you there. You don't tolerate it in the kinky world.

The hard part. Is finding someone who genuinely matches your needs and follows those principles.

[un****]

I am new myself and thought about giving up because of the mental strain. I'd been to a club a couple of times, and not really been as into it as I thought I would be. But I was learning what I liked and didn't in real life, not just porn and fantasies.

On my third visit my club had a 'S***d Swinging' event. They provided some basic questions then encouraged everyone to add a few questions of their own.

Honestly, this opened up the lifestyle world for me.

I realised that this social situation was no different from any other, in that asking people questions about themselves - which I do naturally anyway, as I'm a curious person - encourages people to open up about themselves. Yes, the questions you ask are different, but it's still a matter of communication, first and foremost.

I only had my first D/s experience after my 4th visit, when I'd struck up a conversation with someone I didn't even know was a Dom when I introduced myself. After a lengthy exchange in which we'd both been curios and open did we even discuss giving it a go.

Also, the fact that we met at a lifestyle club, I guess I was already open to the fact that we wouldn't be exclusive. I had already decided by then that I didn't want any exclusivity.

I also spend a lot of time exploring my kinks on my own before I explore with others.

Knowing what you want to explore, and the type of person you would be willing to explore it with is key to starting. It gives you a base to start from.
For example, I'm not into *** or age play, but I'm into light impact play. Finding someone who wants to spank me, but doesn't want to degrade me, or want me to call him Daddy is hard, but not impossible. My experiences are limited, but by knowing what I want and don't want, I know when to follow-up with curious questions, and when to gracefully end the conversation because we aren't compatible or I'm not feeling comfortable.

From one newbie to another, I hope you enjoy your journey through kink.

[Li****]

Vet, vet, VET

Vanilla Questions for compatibility
What are their hobbies?
What was their childhood like?
What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day.
What’s their views on child rearing if you want or have ***?
Do they want or already have ***?
If you have *** can they handle that?
If you or they already have *** what role will each of you play in the ***’s lives?
Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there?
Will both of you have to have an income?
Do they have transportation?
What is their living situation?
What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education?
Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction?
Health conditions, sexual or otherwise?
What’s their biggest pet ***ve?
What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there?

Lifestyle Questions
How long in the Lifestyle?
What is your role in BDSM, and what does it mean to you?
How many Doms/subs have they had?
Why did the dynamics end?
Monogamy or poly? Do you share or want to play with others?
Real life or online?
Sadist or masochist? To what degree?
Protocols to expect?
View on the use of Safe words?
Active in the local Community?
How did you learn about BDSM? Do you feel that you still have something to learn?
What are you looking for from a relationship? (Short-term, long-term, play partners, etc.)
What are your non-negotiable terms? Hard and soft limits?
Favorite Kinks and Fetishes?
Kinks and fetishes curious about?
Tell me five things that make you angry. How do you handle being angry?
What are your thoughts on aftercare, and how do you approach it?
What are your favorite play scenes? How do you prepare for a scene?
What are your favorite tools/toys? How did you learn how to use them?
Do you like to drink before playing to loosen up?
Stance on punishment/discipline?
Types of punishment/discipline used?
What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?
Have you ever had to deal with someone who went into subspace/Dom space? What about drop?
Are you willing to do STD testing with me, so we are both safe?
Prepared to tell Full name, phone # and address before meeting.
Show identification at meeting.
Willing to meet in public one or more times, as needed.

[si****]

In same boat I have adhd look up rsd its real Paris Hilton has it so having rsd and the same mind set your in is way worse than the average sub feeling like we are both facing! Maybe im putting to much investment in a man??? Idk? But I’m ab to stop the dynamic bc im tired of sacrificing what I want so the man can have what they want! I’m not ugly but I feel like I should let myself go bc im tired of being the latest score! All I am to men is atm candy or wow she hot let me get some if that! No respect no wanting anything but a f**k out of me! I thought he was different

[Ni****]

You are looking for a highly specific dynamic, and just haven't found one yet. Me? I am married, but my wife is disabled, and encourages me to find my pleasures from other people.

If you are jealous of a Dom, seeing other subs, then we simply aren't compatible. It sounds like you are after a relationship with a dom/sub dynamic, which is a bit more difficult to come across without going to events.

Don't give up. Your dynamic does exist.

[Dy****]

Even as a sub, you're allowed to speak up and say the things you do like, and don't like. If you want to be more exclusive with this Dom, than you need to say that directly to them. Being on the same page in your dynamic is just as important as the activities you agree too.

When you tell your Dom what you want, they can decide if they can continue, or if they are not capable of bring what you want.

That's real communication.

[Se****]

22 hours ago, Daddybrains said:

Most of what you’re feeling has nothing to do with Dom/sub dynamics. The change for you might be that, because Dom/sub dynamics (and polyamory or scene play dynamics) require better, more frequent, more honest communication than mundane relationships, all the feels are “in your face.” It’s a lot.

Rule 1: Have a spine; submissives get boundaries and need to stand up for themselves. Say NO when you feel NO.

Rule 2: The relationship rules that matter are the ones you and your Dom make with each other; everyone else and their advice (including me and mine) can pound sand. Don’t want him commenting on other photos? Maybe that’s reasonable, maybe not — but talk about it.

Rule 3. The Dom doesn’t define your worth. The actions of the Dom don’t change your worth. Are you “enough?” Enough for what? What do you bring to the relationship? Hint: your “gift of submission” isn’t enough. But being someone who makes him want to be a better man? Gold.

Best of success to you. Don’t give up. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t overthink yourself into a spiral. Learn. Breathe. You got this.
 

I am loving point number 3. Thank you for that. 

[sh****]

Me just being turn on by the thrill of enjoying the fun

[wp****]

you are wanting to be a sub in some facets of your life not neccessarily all facets

[ha****]

This app is filled with wannabes pri@ks who's only association with our lifestyle is porn.
Be very careful to whom you reveal yourself.
No one has the right to treat you like you're a submissive slut up for anything until YOU give them permission.
You're the boss until you willingly give that position up to another.
Be careful. There are a lot of sadistic pricks on this site who care nothing about your journey

[er****]

The best thing you can do is openly communicate your feelings with them. They legitimately may not know it bothers you. As for feelings of inadequacy its fairly common in open relationships in general to have worries or ***, and again, the BEST solution is to sit down with them and lay out your feelings and thoughts. Open communication is extremely important for a healthy dynamic. I would also recommend setting up a kink contract. It's not binding legally, obviously, but its perpouse is to have your wants needs and expectations laied out in writing.

[bb****]

Tuesday at 01:36 PM, Maliria said:

We were all new at some point. I can only answer your question from my perspective. First, I don't like to use the word 'normal'. As another sub who hasn't had a Dom I do wonder sometimes why a Dom hasn't approached me. But I also don't have any hopes for a specific person as my Dom. My question to you, since it sounds like that is the situation you're in, have you spoken with this person or expressed to him/her your interest?

As for this person's liking of pics, I think a lot of people do that to a degree. I tend to look for shabari pics because I like good rope work. And yes, there are some that just go to look at the pics. That is just a individualistic thing.

As for are you in over your head, only you can answer that question. I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Such as:

Are you looking at kink as just a thing in the bedroom?
What type of relationship do you want, such as D/s, M/s, just kink in the bedroom or outside of bedroom as well.

Lastly I'll say, if you haven't gotten involved in your local community, once you answer those questions do that. There are people that will mentor a new sub and help you learn who you are, what you like, etc. There are also some good books you can read, so look into that as well. I hope this helps.

So wise!

[Deleted Member]

From a poly point, or even just a multi-partnered point of view... i do wanna say, just because the interest, or play, or dynamic that you have with your partner is different than the play or interest they have with someone else, just remember that they are with you because of who you are and what you mean to them... Open and honest conversations are the only way you can be fully understood. If you have concerns, let your partner know, but remember to listen to them as well (open and honest conversations need to be fully informed to count).

If you're like with a douchebag who's treating you wrong though, leave, he ain't worth your time.

Your needs have to be getting met, just like your partners are. 🤗

[an****]

Reflect on what brought you to the point of questioning your dom interest publicly. The jealously (perfectly fine in a dynamic if accepted) did not motivate you to (assumption) be more engagement, more pics, more jabs, more attention seeking until correction, etc.), it motivated you to seek outside validation and question your dom. Not a bad thing. It is just a position of authority not submission. You already identified a personal contention point and now want to rally others to support your cause. This is normal and not at all wrong. However, using energy this way is not going to get you the results you want and can only get you to see your dom interest as a negative (again assumption). If you want the dynamic to work, work inside the dynamic. Make a personal/mental check list. If it doesn't feel right, identify all the things you are willing to do to make it work, set that as a boundary. If your actions 1-5 don't position you where you want to be, negotiate, reevaluate, or move on. No one is an expert first, give yourself grace, identify what you like/dislike, set boundaries, and embrace growth, this life is a wonderful journey if you can find the pleasure of self discovery.

[Wa****]

No, it should never beike that.

[mr****]

I'm currently going through the same thing but even worse. I'm nobody's type. At least you have your partner at the end of the day. And I'm sure you can easily get a new one. I'm still trynna find someone that's actually into me. Keep your hard up find a new dom and live your best life. don't waste your time stressing out when you can be satisfying your needs❤️

[Wa****]

You need to have a conversation. You get to set some boundaries on what you're ok with and what you're not. Dom sub doesn't mean they can do anything they want while you get no say at all unless that's agreed upon by both parties.

[Su****]

I ran away, my feeling are too big at the end of the day. I know now, if the acting Dom is involved with other females, I have to turn the emotions completely off. No staying the night, no cuddling after, no dinner dates. For me it has to be Wham Bam, thabk you Daddy, or THIS exact mentality is what i slip into. You ARE enough, YOUVE always been enough. Find out what YOU can handle, and want, and dont accept anything youre not comfortable with. This is your experience love, have fun, and be safe.

[fe****]

Your feelings are completely understandable
What you want is to feel and need to be first & foremost as the favorite. In this contract, but also to be included not as a pet or an added part but more as an important part of every role-playing kink or submissive actions with your dom and that anyone else added to this role play should be your submissive as well
 

[Fe****]

So I can tell you that even as a long time sub, its hard not to catch feeling for your Dom. Its much more intimate and the trust has to be stronger. I highly recommend looking for a dom that is good being a dom to only you while you're starting out.
Ive been with my Dom for 5 years, married for 3, I STILL get jealous sometimes. I struggle mostly with not being enough. I have a medical condition that makes anal really hard for me and I constant wonder if he'd be happier with someone that could perform on all levels.
He has worked with me on it. I do anal training, but I still struggle from time to time.
Your feelings are valid, always.
A good dom will walk you through it.

[Deleted Member]

I'm in the same boat of never having a Dom, and yes I get the same feelings you are having. Recently I was chatting with someone and I got a lot of what he wanted in the future without following through. I realized that I'm worth more than that. If the person you want as your Dom is aware and not following through then move on. If he isn't aware, take a chance. The most you'll get is a no and then you won't be wondering what if. There are more fish in the sea, even in this kinky world. And find someone who understands you are new and is willing to slowly introduce you to new things with the understanding you may not like, hate, or absolutely love. Try all of it you are comfortable with over time.