Ok but how do you just ... go on with life??

[Explorerofall]

Confusing title... but also one that captures the audience out of curiosity (I hope). 
 

So check it out, I’m a young guy, at a military college. Pretty normal dude, loads of friends, a few sexual partners. Sure I swipe right on tinder and every once in a while I’ll find a super attractive woman that’s into some kinky stuff (femdom, whatever it is), or even on one occasion an actual long time friend of mine and I get together. After the deed is done and we hook up it’s always humiliating to me to know that I just got dominated by a woman and that she could basically go tell whoever she wanted, or hold it over my head/black mail me. I hate this feeling and although, I like the sex, I hate feeling so *** after. And Ill end up ghosting them, blocking them on every social meeting platform and hoping I never run into them again in my life. I did this to a friend of mine as well and felt bad about it but also relieved that I might have the ability to deny the secret if it ever came out... 

 

I also do this with just a normal hookup, nothing really kinky/bdsm... it’s less common though because I don’t really feel like they have/know anything they can use against me.... but if I’m in a relationship or start dating a girl, the moment after having sex, I have this urge to cut them off... 

Obviously this isn’t good for my romantic future, unless I want to continue with one night stands my entire life...

tips, thoughts, ideas? 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Explorerofall

[Explorerofall]

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Edited May 11, 2021 by Explorerofall

[H4****]

Just gotta own it my dude. Took me 5 years to realise but being dominated in the bedroom doesn’t make you less of a man. I used to do it when I was 18 for the same reasons until I met a girl that made me see sense 🤷🏿‍♂️ (who I’m not dating)

No need to reaffirm your masculinity either. No one who understands presumes you’re less of a man because you like to get dominated.

[Explorerofall]

12 minutes ago, H4rdW0rker said:

Just gotta own it my dude. Took me 5 years to realise but being dominated in the bedroom doesn’t make you less of a man. I used to do it when I was 18 for the same reasons until I met a girl that made me see sense 🤷🏿‍♂️ (who I’m not dating)

No need to reaffirm your masculinity either. No one who understands presumes you’re less of a man because you like to get dominated.

I mean yeah easier said than done. Probably going to take a while for me too. Thank you for sharing though I appreciate it.

[H4****]

38 minutes ago, Explorerofall said:

I mean yeah easier said than done. Probably going to take a while for me too. Thank you for sharing though I appreciate it.

I know man. I’m definitely not saying to shout it from the rooftops. I could throw more useless advice at you, but instead I’ll leave with this. Moving past the ghosting and cutting off is a good place to start. If you sit down and talk with these girls that you’ve done these things with, I think you’ll find they’re more understanding than you think. I might be talking from a place of envy, but those could’ve developed into so much more; friendships, relationships etc.

[ey****]

There's stuff in here you need to kinda rethink in yourself.

That you are saying you find being dominated by a woman to be humiliating, this is likely to be rooted in misogyny 

It may also be that you are trying to define what you like which you're doing via using people.  It's not too uncommon for people (particularly men) to take what they can get - and that might be sporadic or it might be regular partners, the context is still the same.

Something to kinda ask yourself a little is what do you actually enjoy, what do you actually want out of these meets.  And being honest about it, with both yourself and with others.  This way, hey, you might get less meets and matches but more likely to find people who will become more than a one-off

[***lessKitten]

I can very much relate to this. I'm not sure if our problem comes from the same place or not, but after some thought and self reflection I feel that what causes me to feel similar to how you described is society and expectations. I'll try to cut this down as much as possible, but feel I'll do a bad job, so hopefully this isn't too wordy.

 

I used to feel that liking femdom somehow made me less of a man. Changing this thought process has really helped me accept who I am rather than feel insecure about it.

 

We see society as something that defines what a man is, it doesn't have to define us though. We sometimes care too much about what others think of us, or how they view us, this can prevent us doing what we like or being who we want to be. I feel it's important to not suppress oneself and to not live and be what society expects.

Embrace being different and don't let societies expectations control you. 

I'm a fighting man. I once cared about reputation and status, I cared about how people viewed me. Since caring less about those things it hasn't really changed me, I'm still that same fighting man.

It's likely that your thoughts on how your partners see you are wrong. You worry they will see you as less of a man, but if you were to express your insecurities to them they could help you! Your partners won't see you of any less of a man just because you like femdom.

There's many different reasons as to why men like femdom. Some men have too much control in their life and feel they need to give up control somewhere. It's possible there's not much reason behind it other than we find it hot... Who really cares!?

Your time serving in the ***s has probably had a big impact on your thinking. Competitiveness is in our nature, so it's hard not to, but don't compare yourself to your ***s buddies. Being in the ***s doesn't have to define you, you don't have to hold a macho image for women, just be yourself, they can accept all the different aspects of you that make you a unique individual. And if it helps ease your mind... Truth be told there's probably more guys in the ***s that are into femdom than what you would think.

Just try to let go of your insecurities and enjoy femdom for what it is. Your reasons for liking it really doesn't matter.

You're young, I'm sure in time this is something you will overcome, and hopefully be able to enjoy femdom and your fetishes to the fullest.

Good luck out there bro

[Explorerofall]

5 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

misogyny

I’m definitely not a misogynist. I think my biggest problem was meeting women with sex in mind, I didn’t like their personality or if I didn’t really know their personality I was afraid of what it could be. Good perspective and I appreciate that. I know what my next steps are and hopefully someone else learns from this post and everyone’s input.

[Explorerofall]

4 hours ago, ***lessKitten said:

I can very much relate to this. I'm not sure if our problem comes from the same place or not, but after some thought and self reflection I feel that what causes me to feel similar to how you described is society and expectations. I'll try to cut this down as much as possible, but feel I'll do a bad job, so hopefully this isn't too wordy.

 

I used to feel that liking femdom somehow made me less of a man. Changing this thought process has really helped me accept who I am rather than feel insecure about it.

 

We see society as something that defines what a man is, it doesn't have to define us though. We sometimes care too much about what others think of us, or how they view us, this can prevent us doing what we like or being who we want to be. I feel it's important to not suppress oneself and to not live and be what society expects.

Embrace being different and don't let societies expectations control you. 

I'm a fighting man. I once cared about reputation and status, I cared about how people viewed me. Since caring less about those things it hasn't really changed me, I'm still that same fighting man.

It's likely that your thoughts on how your partners see you are wrong. You worry they will see you as less of a man, but if you were to express your insecurities to them they could help you! Your partners won't see you of any less of a man just because you like femdom.

There's many different reasons as to why men like femdom. Some men have too much control in their life and feel they need to give up control somewhere. It's possible there's not much reason behind it other than we find it hot... Who really cares!?

Your time serving in the ***s has probably had a big impact on your thinking. Competitiveness is in our nature, so it's hard not to, but don't compare yourself to your ***s buddies. Being in the ***s doesn't have to define you, you don't have to hold a macho image for women, just be yourself, they can accept all the different aspects of you that make you a unique individual. And if it helps ease your mind... Truth be told there's probably more guys in the ***s that are into femdom than what you would think.

Just try to let go of your insecurities and enjoy femdom for what it is. Your reasons for liking it really doesn't matter.

You're young, I'm sure in time this is something you will overcome, and hopefully be able to enjoy femdom and your fetishes to the fullest.

Good luck out there bro

Thank you for sharing your perspective I appreciate it. With this and the words from the other guys on the thread, I definitely feel more confident and I’m already starting to take a different perspective. Putting it into practice might take sometime obviously but thank you again. I hope others struggling might come across this thread and learn something too.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Explorerofall said:

I’m definitely not a misogynist. I think my biggest problem was meeting women with sex in mind, I didn’t like their personality or if I didn’t really know their personality I was afraid of what it could be. Good perspective and I appreciate that. I know what my next steps are and hopefully someone else learns from this post and everyone’s input.

just to explain what I mean a little

people are into different things for different reasons, and there's a common reason that - ultimately, a lot of men see women as weaker or inferior and that see submitting to them as humiliating or somewhat taboo ("getting beaten by a woman, so humiliating") and yeah, that is somewhat misogynistic 

Obviously I'm not saying this is the case - but this was just somethign I took from something you said 

[Deleted Member]

I like the idea of talking more with your partners. Consider this: if you've each been meeting each other's needs without doing the heavy lifting of conversing about those needs, you're obviously balancing one another in some way. Some women need what you offer. An honest conversation could help you each see that, while what you each want doesn't fit in the narrow, societal-defined gender norm box, that doesn't really matter. If what someone else tries to impose on you doesn't fit you, throw it out. Other peoples' opinions don't belong in your bedroom unless you invite them in.

I liked reading that you're becoming more comfortable in your own skin. I hope that continues.