Too stressed for kink?

[Quil-7717]

I am relatively new to being a dominant. I have been in a bedroom only exclusive relationship with an experienced submissive for over a year now. From the very beginning we discussed the BDSM activity check list. Recently we have been having less kink. She told me it comes in waves for her and once when she was single, she did not participate in anything kinky for 3 years.

Her work and insomnia have been the reasons she is too stressed for kink.

We don’t live together. We see each other four times out of the week. 

It’s been hard for me in a dominant role to know how to approach this. Everything I have read points to BDSM as a stress reliever. I have told her I will keep pushing her but still be patient. I focus on the relationship. I do what I can to help her around her apartment, bring her foods and take her out and be as supportive as a boyfriend should. I do have a protocol of a ten rules I have established for our dynamic. Some have worked out. Some have not. She has told me it’s not up to me but her, but I am a bit of a perfectionist. I don’t want to approach her as trying to fix anything but still I’m driven to lead. Is there any advice on helping someone you are in a relationship with get back into kink?

[pt****]

As her Dominant, your role is ensuring her well being and care for her, your needs always come second at this time. I suggest you discuss things, understand her needs. We are all human and life is challenging, this will difficult theirs no right answer. Communication and understanding is key, have a look at your rules and why they don’t work. Best of luck

[Deleted Member]

What’s the protocol of ten rules? Did she agreed to them?
It sound like she rules the dynamic not you... did you know about her issues?
You can’t drive someone back to kink if they don’t have the mind set for it. Either you are patient or find someone else.

[Deleted Member]

This is very difficult @Quil. When someone’s mental health is concerned, the dynamic becomes secondary. Your needs become secondary. She is stressed and has clearly told you that it’s not up to you, but her. And she is right. What is up to you, is to decide how much she means to you and how strong your feelings are, and based on that, stay or leave the relationship. Pressuring her, or organising things for her, or even helping her would not make her stress less. I understand completely how you feel because I’ve been there. And like you, I thought that if I am helpful, and supportive, and do everything I can to make his life better, that he would find his kink faster. But it doesn’t work like that. There is plenty of research on the subject that when people get stressed, they automatically start prioritising, simplifying and ignoring things that don’t seem vital. The brain prioritises based on survival needs. Stress is about survival and sex not only isn’t about survival , but stress blocks sexual pleasure. So by you pushing ( even in a gentle way), you are stressing her even more.

[Me****]

As a Dominant I find having no rules at all works best.
Rules just become barriers to your sexual creativity.

[qu****]

Does the relationship work in a "normal" sense, away from kink?