How much is too much "training"?

[Mi****]

I like to train my subs to fulfill my needs. If it’s something they are into too. But I struggle with how much to push when training them to fulfill needs they aren’t all that into?

I’ll never do anything they aren’t open to trying or curious about or willing to try. But that, for me, gets into the question of if I am coercing them in an inappropriate way.

For example, I really would love to train a sub to be a cuckquean or something close to it. I’m finding that kind of dynamic is more of a need than I’ve been willing to admit. Cuckqueaning is not a popular interest of women’s, and so it’s expected that in most instances it will start with someone who is just mainly willing to try being trained in it to satiate her dom’s needs.

This is where I struggle with leading because I start to question whether it’s manipulative to lead someone down a sexual path they probably wouldn’t have considered on their own. Mainly interested in what subs have to say on this. Have you experienced being trained to do something you were only barely curious about or were mainly doing to please your dom?

[Ha****]

My personal feelings, as a sub, are that if I’m not into it or interested in it at the very least, I will not enjoy it. That will lead to my dom being unsatisfied because he can tell I’m not enjoying myself.

[gr****]

Literal communication. I wouldn't say train them as a cuckqueen. Talk about it all first and experiment with them once or twice and then discuss how it makes them feel. If they aren't into it, then it's not for them. My wife is a cuckqueen, but it's something she's always been in to. It's up there with trying to get someone into *** play or water sports, and then they are just "that's not for me". Like the old saying goes: you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[Ch****]

Your heart is in the right place for asking; your head isn't. It's not manipulative to suggest something; jenna had never worn latex or any significant amount of leather...I could go on and on about things she hadn't tried before me. But a lot of things she'd never done but grew to live were not from day one. But I'll add, she was enthusiastically consenting when each thing was brought up. If she's doing it to please you, even if it's a punishment, it should be because she even wants to be punished. If cuckqueening is a limit, it should be discussed and handled as such. Pushing on that is dangerous ground.

[DLoren]

This is an honest and legitimate question which, in my opinion, can, only, be constructively answered by communicating with the submissive in question. For a submissive whose priority is to serve and satisfy their Dom/Master's desires, the question is at what point the pleasure of serving and satisfying will disappear, giving way to sadness and unease? Personally, I also wonder how far I would take pleasure in exploring a fetish that is essential to them as well. To exaggerate the point, an old-school Dom responded, when a submissive said she had no limits, "Great, because my biggest fetish is mutilating my sub's body. But nothing extreme, rest assured, just a few fingers or at most one nipple out of two." Of course, he was lying, but only so that those who claim to have no limits would think before they speak. Communication cannot be a contest of ego or seduction, but a sincere desire to get to know as well as possible the person with whom you want a relationship built on respect and serene trust. In ancient books like the Bible, for example, authors didn't write "that night they made Love" but "that night they learned to know each other." To love someone is to know her/him, and vice versa. 🙏🌈🙏🌹🙏💓

[Ni****]

You are a good Dominate (or on the path) and human being for having these considerations and concerns.

This is a great conversation to have with your (or a potential) Submissive. If it's a hard limit for them, then obviously no. If a soft limit, it could be explored slowly to see if they warm up or even come to enjoy it. I would say if a particular kink is something you want regularly and they do not get pleasure from it, then cosnidering if they are the right person for you and vice versa comes into play. There are certain submissives that enjoy their Dominates satisfaction to the point that even if they don't inherently "like" the kink or get something from it themselves (aka a true cuckqueen), they may still derive pleasure from yours. If they don't, that is not a problem on their side. They just aren't wired that way. I know I get and actively seek out maximizing my submissive's pleasure, but there may be certain thing she may be open to or find (potentially) pleasurable that are a hard limit to me. Other things that were soft limits for me, I opened up to and worked on to accommodate her, and some of them, I came to enjoy immensely... others I do solely to care for her.

The mutuality of a healthy relationship extends to both sides of the slash, equally. Working on open, honest, trusting, and clear communication is always a huge key to a successful relationship. The more intimate, the more important it is for both sides to feel safe and have trust to communicate their desires vs their needs and work together to figure out what fits into your relationship together and what does not.

[PI****]

This was all well said i also suggest two safe words mine are pineapple and firetruck
Pineapple means change direction I don't really like where this is going
And firetruck means cease all activity

[Ha****]

Interesting that my feedback disappeared.

[Sc****]

I try to check in with myself on these things when I'm not in my sub space, it helps me think about it more critically. I'm more likely to do things just because my dom wants me to when I'm feeling more subby.
Maybe check in when the power dynamic is less?

[Us****]

I tend to only play/date/train with similiar kinks. There can be exploration presented that can result in new interest or kinks. But uncharted territory is communicated beforehand. I don't do stuff that only pleases one of the two parties, either Dom or sub. When it becomes a show or a facade the fun is over, not talking about a roleplay here. I'm a Dom and not an actor just as my sub(s) are submissive by choice and not ***d. But personal preference talking here, not the judge on how other people should play.

[Us****]

The censored word was f.o.r.c.e.d (weird seeing it being censored tbh).

[Co****]

as a switch i would expect a lot of resentment to come from this on the subs end esp if it’s not a marriage and just a gf/bf situation where the sub can begin to feel replaceable , i try to only date people who are already into what im into to avoid these dilemmas to prevent permanent trauma , as a dom and a sub i would consider it slightly coercive but depends on the openness of the sub

[an****]

Not a sub, I read your disclaimer after I was already committed to this 🤣. So here goes. Be careful. Your questioning of 'how far is too far' is commendable and shows you are being considerate. A+. Challenge: 'Cheater' or taken-advantage-of-events that turn into kinks need a whole next level (Adult Mode) type of care. Aftercare is most important in these situations. The kink is just the key for the door. Don't break more stuff in the room! The past trauma and cheating *** (that resulted in loss) is the kink to open the door. For a roleplay of 'cheating' that results in return and continued relationship to counteract the void created by the original loss is a lot to manufacture if the trauma doesn't already exist... What is the underlying want to have your sub do this? You sound like you are trying to be a good person, but also roleplay as a damaging cheater (but only if the sub wants to participate). This isn't something you can train into a real kink, you can roleplay, but this kink is hard coded to the *** of loss and jealousy. That requires heavy past trauma. That trauma being a committed relationship with broken trust and boundaries (cheating). If a dom breaks a boundary or trust, they are just a crappy dom. Reliving the trauma where it ends positively is the kink. No one is out here trying to experience worse trauma. So, I stomp my feet, no matter what you do, be careful, and make aftercare a huge priority.

[Bl****]

Most of us are curious about being a sub because we want to give up control, we want to explore, and we trust you. You know your subs best and if you’re going too far or not. I, personally, not into it. I haven’t tried it but read up on it.

[Fr****]

I have the discussion with my subs before we start exploring things like consensual coercive behaviors or pressuring them. If they seem unsure then the first thing we train is confidence and saying no in various ways. I'll try to understand what their no can look like and see how I can make them comfortable saying it. I want to know that if I ever go too far my sub will tell me and know that puppies love unconditionally. I truly enjoy being a service pup dom because I use that dynamic to foster the deep trust that makes my subs want me to use them however I want. It's also what helps me explore what's pleasurable for everyone involved. Or maybe I'm just hella sadistic and want an excuse to push people's boundaries. The world may never know.

[FE****]

57 minutes ago, HannahLeah10 said:

Interesting that my feedback disappeared.

Your feedback didn't disappear, it went into the queue for moderation.

 

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[Deleted Member]

IMHO you got the purpose of trading out of whack. the process of training is to lead the sub to the best version of herself. this will allow the sub to serve you to the fullest.

the only thing that can result from training subs to please you only is resentment and a sub that doesn't trust.

Before you react, I've been in the lifestyle since the 90s. I've seen good subs ruined by Doms only wanting to satisfy their desire. Do not forget: in giving up their power the sub retains all the power. You don't want to be "my last Dom was...." guy.

[Deleted Member]

First, I'd start by saying it's great to see a Dominate struggling with these kinds of ideas .it shows how self aware you are and how much you actually care about those you play with.

As a switch leaning more to submissive, I will answer your question from the perspective of a submissive.

First I'll say, communication is critical. Understanding hard and soft limits is where I would start with these kinds of activities. Make it clear what you're looking for short term and long term and give your potential subs the freedom to do the same. And a goal for cuckqueaning doesn't have to be directly discussed, maybe it's more about obedience than it is about the acts. You have to decide why cuckqueaning is important to you and present the root and eventually the actions or path, since that action fulfills you. And not ever submissive will want to go down that path, but I bet more will want to than you think.

As mentioned previously as well, there are subs that get true joy and happiness from being submissive and giving their dominate everything they possibly can, once again within their limits. But every sub loves to have their limits tested.

I don't think it's manipulation to push your subs in the direction you want to take them. As a submissive, being pushed by my dominate is what I want. I want her to see my limits and push me toward them, to expand them as much as I can and she desires. That being said, it's a slow process to get there. So feeling that she has my best interest and her desires in mind the entire time and knowing she has a plan, even if I don't know the plan, makes me very comfortable in following her and submitting fully.

As an example, when my Dominate (my wife) and I met 10 years ago. When we met, there were certain things I had never thought of to even know if I had a limit around them. One of them being cuckolding. She was interested in cuckolding and I never had anyt thought of it prior. So she warmed up the idea slowly over the course of about a year until we got to the point she was sexting and telling me about it and then she would give me her phone to read his messages and then respond with what she wanted to say. Then moved into group dates, then group play, then her solo play with him. The whole process took about 2 years. But now I'm a very happy cuck to my wife.

The entire time we were going down this process, bringing me more into my submissiveness we did one thing that I believe helped a lot. We made Sundays our day of equality, unless I cancelled it. It gave me the ability to be her complete equal on Sundays and have a break from our dynamic. It really helped me to have that space to breathe so to speak. And honestly, many weeks I cancel it and continue our dynamic. But her giving me that helped a lot as we went down the path she's decided for us.

So I would say, communication and planning and allowing situations where your submissive is able to be completely honest without *** of recourse is critical in growing them to what you want them to be.

[DLoren]

2 hours ago, anotherusername said:

Not a sub, I read your disclaimer after I was already committed to this 🤣. So here goes. Be careful. Your questioning of 'how far is too far' is commendable and shows you are being considerate. A+. Challenge: 'Cheater' or taken-advantage-of-events that turn into kinks need a whole next level (Adult Mode) type of care. Aftercare is most important in these situations. The kink is just the key for the door. Don't break more stuff in the room! The past trauma and cheating *** (that resulted in loss) is the kink to open the door. For a roleplay of 'cheating' that results in return and continued relationship to counteract the void created by the original loss is a lot to manufacture if the trauma doesn't already exist... What is the underlying want to have your sub do this? You sound like you are trying to be a good person, but also roleplay as a damaging cheater (but only if the sub wants to participate). This isn't something you can train into a real kink, you can roleplay, but this kink is hard coded to the *** of loss and jealousy. That requires heavy past trauma. That trauma being a committed relationship with broken trust and boundaries (cheating). If a dom breaks a boundary or trust, they are just a crappy dom. Reliving the trauma where it ends positively is the kink. No one is out here trying to experience worse trauma. So, I stomp my feet, no matter what you do, be careful, and make aftercare a huge priority.

👏👏👏👏

[gy****]

As a submissive, my dom and i communicated on where I want to be submissive and what im open to or willing to try, if its something im new to or not interested in, I can say no. Having said, checking in and consistency in communication to try something new would be effective with me. I want to be able to feel i can say no at anytime, if i cant and dont feel safe to say no, this will also shut the door to any future new play

[Br****]

2 hours ago, goose10 said:

IMHO you got the purpose of trading out of whack. the process of training is to lead the sub to the best version of herself. this will allow the sub to serve you to the fullest.

the only thing that can result from training subs to please you only is resentment and a sub that doesn't trust.

Before you react, I've been in the lifestyle since the 90s. I've seen good subs ruined by Doms only wanting to satisfy their desire. Do not forget: in giving up their power the sub retains all the power. You don't want to be "my last Dom was...." guy.

I agree with this: help you sub manifest to be the best version of themselves.

And if there are other things you want, well, that’s what polyamory is for, imho. Hence I have a sub and see 2 switches regularly. It’s kitchen table poly and my sub is seeing one of the switches FTW ;)

[Sh****]

Just talk to your sub

In my opinion that's what aftercare is. You clean each other up, do whatever rituals help you both settle outside of the D/s dynamic and talk about the session one on one. The Dom provides structure for the subs ambition. There's going to be varying degrees of interest in that spectrum but the sub has the lions share of voice and opinion, they are the one performing. You wouldn't ask the general manager if shipping trucks are overstacked, you talk to the people unloading them, they have the informed opinion.

I'm a switch and had experiences I was hesitant about that I found joy in because my Domme listened to why I was interested in the session, what I wanted from it, and how I wanted to get there. She built a structure that fit what we both wanted, even if I was curious but hesitant, and it worked well.

Encourage subs to explore, guide the experience to their interests, and adjust as interests fluctuate.

[Bi****]

As a Dom, I do Needs, no’s, likes, limits with my subs. We discuss hard & soft limits so I know what’s a firm no. And what’s a soft limit that can be discussed and maybe explored under the right conditions

[an****]

A dom is like an academic educator, some educators teach Math, Science, History, etc, K-12, provides structure, slowly adding complexity, advanced courses are even more niche. You don't conference with the student on what should be in the lesson plan. How absurd. Students pick the college, the class, the professor. Not the lesson. There is a student handbook, and rules of conduct. The professor and student agreed to this structure and consent. If the teacher is constantly going to the student and asking if the lesson is going well or the lesson is correct. That creates so much doubt and pressure on the student. Be the teacher, be decent, control the classroom, let the structure hold. It's not a teacher's responsibility to make the student the best they can be, it's to create an environment conducive to learning. If you change a lesson every time a student wants to leave a lecture, you aren't a teacher. Bathroom breaks are allowed, snow days granted, other classes are available, but no running, 6 inch voices, and no you can't change my lesson plan.

[Br****]

1 hour ago, anotherusername said:

A dom is like an academic educator, some educators teach Math, Science, History, etc, K-12, provides structure, slowly adding complexity, advanced courses are even more niche. You don't conference with the student on what should be in the lesson plan. How absurd. Students pick the college, the class, the professor. Not the lesson. There is a student handbook, and rules of conduct. The professor and student agreed to this structure and consent. If the teacher is constantly going to the student and asking if the lesson is going well or the lesson is correct. That creates so much doubt and pressure on the student. Be the teacher, be decent, control the classroom, let the structure hold. It's not a teacher's responsibility to make the student the best they can be, it's to create an environment conducive to learning. If you change a lesson every time a student wants to leave a lecture, you aren't a teacher. Bathroom breaks are allowed, snow days granted, other classes are available, but no running, 6 inch voices, and no you can't change my lesson plan.

You absolutely should check on the subs comfort. The sub is the one that really controls the dynamic and they can tell you no when ever they want.

To the op: absolutely have detailed discussions on wants and needs and find out how far your sub is willing to go (or not go in this case I guess) there are women out there who enjoy cuckqueaning(not myself personally) you just have to be open about it