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A Dom in Training looking for insight and growth from both Sub's and Dom's alike


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Posted (edited)

I'm hoping this forum post may resonate with some and I may get to know some people in the process.

So to start off, for as long as I can recall, I have always loved the perception of being Dominant, my character reflects some of that but behind closed doors, it's always been very prevelant. I have wanted to be a Dom for a while however my age has always been a big disadvantage as people's perception of me is always swayed due to a physical restriction rather than getting to know me and finding out my deeper understanding of the topic, that topic being BDSM.

After joining fetish that really started to become my biggest weakness, that others wouldn't give me a chance to explore or grow and seeing other people claiming that they were doms with little to no understanding of the topic whatsoever. That's what's led me to writing this, to broadern my horizon and to have others see what I can provide, give my deeper insights on BDSM and to become a better Dom than I could ever imagine being.

I want to take BDSM seriously and would like insight from Subs and Dom's alike as to their perspectives on things, to look beyond the physical barrier and to get to know who I am, after all more than half of BDSM is in the mind, it's serious, deep and expressive.

I'm tired of preconceptions and wish to cut to the chase, for people to see past the vail and to look deeper into themselves and myself as well.

I would appreciate feedback and views from Subs in particular so I may understand how their perspectives could sway my actions as a Dom however would also greatly appreciate hearing from other doms as to what areas to develop further if I wish to become better.

You've reached the end,  feel free to leave a comment and I look forward to hearing from you.

Edited by SaulFrost
Typo, revising sentences.

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Questioning is always a good thing, especially when it comes to all things BDSM. 

I just want to share a little of my personal experience with you. I've been on the scene for 2 years, in all that time I've played with far more Doms who are significantly younger than me (in their twenties) than I have those who are my age and older. 

Dominance doesn't come with age. It is brilliant that you're looking to research stuff and ask questions. Make sure you're clued up on all the safety aspects of BDSM and always, always, always be consent aware and you'll be fine. 

When I'm looking to play with a Dom, I want to see that they know what they're doing - I want to be asked questions about  safe words and limits and possible medical issues etc. I want to see respect.  

Hope that helps some!

The main thing that I want from any Dom is simply confidence. Someone who is confident enough to instruct me, confident enough to know that I’m not made of bone China & wont break, confident enough to allow me to perform with guided instruction, controling a situation with whatever means necessary & confident enough to make me feel like I can wholeheartedly trust them & totally be myself. Also Confident enough to have a laugh half way through play if necessary then take the situation back to the edge. I was a Dom for many years, I gained knowledge & experience from attending fetish’s clubs when I was around 21 & gained much experience working alongside a TV friend in a fetish club many years later. I think it’s all a learning curve like any relationship. I’ve only been a sub for 2-3 yrs so still have very much to learn but again that comes from experience....I don’t think any of us ever stop learning & that’s where the fun comes into it. Personally I’d struggle with a much younger Dom but others love that so like any kink, it’s horses for courses.😊

There is an experience paradox at times, but, it can be broken.

First off.  The fact you are looking to improve rather than come across entitled - this is a good thing.   This will be more likely to get you noticed especially if you carry this attitude around with you.  That, you are not the finished product, you are looking to learn, that you are putting in some effort.

I switch and have a little bit of advantage that me as a Dominant is something I progressed with my wife on a trial and error basis.  I think a lot worked for us because our relationship was initially vanilla - it's much easier to get into BDSM than to seek it.

As well as playing with her in clubs, I also would often watch other couples play and how they interacted to take ideas that would work.   Just by doing this enriches your knowledge and makes you better.  

It may be that if you approach munches and clubs with this, as a sought to learn, you can befriend someone enough who might trust you for play.  Now, it might very well that what you want isn't, just, play but a relationship - but anything that builds your experience helps you.

Also being seen to play can get others interested.  There's at least 2, probably more, that watched me play in a club - completely unaware to me - that they were interested in future play and wanted to see pretty much that I knew what I was doing.

So it's weird, that the more you do to build experience the more it interests others and the cycle flows the other way in attracting others.  

But. A solid gold rule is never to expect anything.  See everything as a bonus.  Because as soon as you do the "I did this, so I expect this" it starts to set off the wrong vibes.  


Thank you all for your responses. As a person, I've always been one for self improvement and knowing that there is more I can do to make myself better, you should never look at yourself as a finished product because you will always be stunting your sel-growth. 

It's good to hear that age may not play such a negative part as I perceive however my location makes it hard in and of itself. Away from clubs and cities where people are free to express their desires of BDSM, I have yet to know of anywhere close to me where I could experience that and I wish to quite badly, to sense the atmosphere, be who I wish to, it would be exhilarating. 

If anyone does have any suggestions of where to start if clubs may not be the answer then I would appreciate it.


one thing that does come in handy in kink is an availability and willingness to travel.   However...

I've found events near you.  Cornwall, Exeter, Plymouth all have munches - as do Truro, Bideford, Barnstaple, Newton Abbot, Falmouth and Liskeard.

 There are parties in Torquay and Plymouth (but Plymouth is invite only) and 3 different rope groups (Newton Abbot, Plymouth, Exeter) and BDSM workshops in Exeter.


Change the way you’re thinking about this Saul. Yes there will be submissives that are looking for Dominants with more life experience, just as there are submissives looking for tall Dominants, or Dominants with a certain skill set, only want a Daddy, or ones that are poly etc etc. 

Personally when I was looking for my current submissive I wasn’t looking for a younger sub, but one my own age. I had previous experience with younger subs, and while those relationships all went well, they were at a different life stage than I was and that effected what I wanted to do with them and the longer term development of our dynamic. I wanted a submissive that I could relate to more and of course factors like life experience contribute to that. What I wasn’t worried about, was if he had experience as a submissive (which he assumed would be a problem).

Now while many equate age with experience, in bdsm this can be very misleading. Yes there will be 40 year old Dominants who are ‘baby Doms’ pretending they know it all - however there are 25 year old Dominants with fantastic skillsets. Don’t worry about how the 40 year olds are ‘getting it easy’ and you need to ‘prove’ yourself. What is more likely to happen is the 40 year old gets in over their head and it blows up. If a submissive you’re interested in is only interested in the pseudo experience (fake experience of just being older but with no bdsm knowledge), well good luck to them. Saying that, at 20 years old, yes you may have a handle on your thoughts on bdsm and you have spent time researching and learning, but I know if you kept this conversation for 10 years and looked back at it, you’d probably want to kick your own bum. You will be a very different person in 10 years than you are now. 

The hardest part about bdsm, is finding the right partner/s.

Take note though - if a submissives summarily says no to considering you as their Dominant, have you jumped the gun and they don’t know you well enough to even consider you as a Dominant anyway? (honestly I’m talking knowing people for months and spending a decent amount of time together before discussing a D/s relationship). 

How successful a D/s relationship is depends on a strong foundation built on trust and careful negotiations. It’s the ‘jump straight in’ philosophy is what drives a lot of these relationships that only last a few months. The longer a D/s relationship the deeper it goes and the stronger it is. If you position yourself as a Dominant that isn’t in a rush, but spending time getting to know a range of different people, you’re more likely to find a submissive that approaches you.

Regarding munches/events/workshops - do as eyemblacksheep says and travel that extra distance and go to everything you can. You have age on your side here. Find good mentors in skills you want to develop and put yourself out there as a Service Top to get to practice those skills and meet subs and bottoms. The years you put into developing these skills are what will set you apart from the baby Doms.

You never know, your right partner maybe at the next peer rope group you attend. 

Heels 👠👠




There is no logic to this. I am the opposite mind to Missheels. This scene is just a random collection of people made bigger because of the internet but it is still chaos. And the chaos is what drives it. Finding someone who for whatever reason you click with, gain a connection. But the scene and the lifestyle doesn't interest me. I always want something deeper. 

Techno why do I get the feeling you're only trying to play devils advocate to get a reaction? MissHeels as always is talking perfect sense, you cannot willingly or safely enter into a D/s dynamic without first establishing a trusting relationship where information has been shared and rules and limits set. Saul is wisely asking for advice and knowledge from anyone with a greater knowledge of a deep and varied subject, before he jumps in feet first. It shows wisdom to ask for advice, wisdom beyond his years. To be the Dominant he desires to be the gaining of knowledge should and obviously is his number 1 priority. Something i fully commend him for. Good luck in your Quest Saul.
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