Is the Vibe Changing? The rise of ghosting, ***-requests, and profile turnover (even for paid accounts)

[Deleted Member]

50 minutes ago, jinxed said:

And that makes two of us!  The wilderness is calling! 

I still believe that it is absolutely possible to meet a brilliant match on here. However, there are so many hurdles that need to be overcome: building basic trust via some messages before you exchange numbers - getting to know the actual other person vs. the idea you've created in your head - finding potential and realistic solutions in case of geographical distance - and then the real big one: consistency in putting in the effort.. I got to stage five just to be utterly disappointed. Even without mean intentions from one person, for me personally these obstacles simply seem unsurmountable.
Being a hetero sub, finding someone in the vanilla world is not a problem, so far I got almost every man I met to change his tune. But I can fully see how difficult the "real" world would be to others on here. Maybe it is a question of looking more locally and trying to meet up asap to weed out the scammers and to get actual 'results'. 
Btw. don't you guys have joyclub? Is that something German? Many kinky people have told me they met their matches on there. 

So very true what you say here.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, vvhitelie said:

I hear you. I want to know though, how often before you chose to simply not respond, did you say “no thank you” or “I’m not interested” and how was your rejection taken by the other person? In my experience, most times I have told the person I’m not interested (or used the pre-written “no thanks” provided by the app) I am either blocked or get a nasty “f you too then” response. This is an argument I hear often “oh women just don’t reply!” - I think our experiences have conditioned us. “But not all men!” - yes, but enough men. It’s unfortunate…

Sometimes I just don't respond at all and sometimes I say the apps "No thank you" and hide the conversation. I think part of the issue is people just look at the pics and decide to message without actually reading the profile. I certainly do not give the person the option of responding by a negative to me. If they do that, then they are blocked permanently. I haven't really had anyone respond to me in that manner though.

[NocturnalVisitations]

I actually agree with a lot of this. Trust, consistency, honesty and getting to know the real person rather than the version we create in our heads are probably the hardest parts of online dating.
I also think communication matters just as much when something goes wrong. People can make mistakes or misunderstand each other without having bad intentions, but if the conversation is ended before both sides can speak, nothing can really be clarified.
That said, I do understand why people become exhausted by the whole thing. Between distance, mixed intentions, scammers and people disappearing, it can start to feel like far more effort than connection.
Maybe the answer is simply to slow everything down, trust gradually, and pay more attention to consistency than words.

[cr****]

12 hours ago, vvhitelie said:

I hear you. I want to know though, how often before you chose to simply not respond, did you say “no thank you” or “I’m not interested” and how was your rejection taken by the other person? In my experience, most times I have told the person I’m not interested (or used the pre-written “no thanks” provided by the app) I am either blocked or get a nasty “f you too then” response. This is an argument I hear often “oh women just don’t reply!” - I think our experiences have conditioned us. “But not all men!” - yes, but enough men. It’s unfortunate…

Hmm... If I am getting a default no thanks, message deleted or hidden then I assume the other side is not interested. I started to block those people. Not because I am ***ed, offended or whatever. No, it cleans up my search results. I don't see a point having a search result where there are people in between which passed on me.

To be fair. I think blocking here is a hard option and should be only being pulled on people where you need to do this. I would much more prefer a soft option of "hide this profile from my search" leaving the option for the other side to maybe change their mind.

But we don't have the option. So if I am doing this than mostly out of respect for the other sides decision.

If I had a conversation with people before and they say "sorry, not a match". I am still doing the same but telling them that I am going to ignore them. Again not because of being offended but to respect that and cleanup the search results for me.

[cr****]

12 minutes ago, NocturnalVisitations said:

I actually agree with a lot of this. Trust, consistency, honesty and getting to know the real person rather than the version we create in our heads are probably the hardest parts of online dating.
I also think communication matters just as much when something goes wrong. People can make mistakes or misunderstand each other without having bad intentions, but if the conversation is ended before both sides can speak, nothing can really be clarified.
That said, I do understand why people become exhausted by the whole thing. Between distance, mixed intentions, scammers and people disappearing, it can start to feel like far more effort than connection.
Maybe the answer is simply to slow everything down, trust gradually, and pay more attention to consistency than words.

But to find that... You need to write to a few people to find the right match. And like you already said. The message system here is not helping at all.

I mean, people being rude they disqualify themself within a few seconds. But if I am constantly being stopped from making a nice first move then the app fails one of their goals... To connect people.

Now talking about the ghosting stuff...
Yes. It becomes super annoying that everyone seems to have the attention span of a goldfish. Please, talk openly if you lose interest. That's making it much more easier. And I also consider fair play than leaving the other side guessing around.
On top of that... People should stop being super selective on how they interpret a message. I have faced many times people dropping out of conversations without trying to understand what I was trying to say. And sometimes just plain text isn't good enough.

For example if I dislike something the other side is saying. I am asking if I understood that correctly to leave the other side room to correct or go into detail what they tried to say.

[vv****]

26 minutes ago, crane_ said:

Hmm... If I am getting a default no thanks, message deleted or hidden then I assume the other side is not interested. I started to block those people. Not because I am ***ed, offended or whatever. No, it cleans up my search results. I don't see a point having a search result where there are people in between which passed on me.

To be fair. I think blocking here is a hard option and should be only being pulled on people where you need to do this. I would much more prefer a soft option of "hide this profile from my search" leaving the option for the other side to maybe change their mind.

But we don't have the option. So if I am doing this than mostly out of respect for the other sides decision.

If I had a conversation with people before and they say "sorry, not a match". I am still doing the same but telling them that I am going to ignore them. Again not because of being offended but to respect that and cleanup the search results for me.

I’m curious if a user is blocked enough times that it impacts their views, or if it results in a ban? That’s the only reason I get annoyed over a block vs a simple “no thanks”. It’s extremely red flaggy anyway for someone not to accept your “no” so it’s kind of a good thing I suppose.

[cr****]

6 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

I’m curious if a user is blocked enough times that it impacts their views, or if it results in a ban? That’s the only reason I get annoyed over a block vs a simple “no thanks”. It’s extremely red flaggy anyway for someone not to accept your “no” so it’s kind of a good thing I suppose.

I am pretty sure it's not impacting that. No evidence for that but mainly because of how Fet works and it just doesn't feels like this would covered.

But it also would leave room for ***. If I am writing to enough fake profiles and they start just randomly block me and I would get banned from that, that would be a false ban then.

I remember the old days where we had that message quality filter. You could setup a filter based on how good the response rate was for a user after their initial first message. The idea itself? Nice. But... Your stats are ruinied if fake profiles arent answering.

Do you still consider it a red flag after my explanation? Because I don't see a point after I get a no thanks. Is the user changing their mind? Unlikely. So why should I see that profile within my search results? Especially when a profile changes their nick or main picture. Then I am looking at the profile and need to see "oh that profile passed already on me". So for me it is actually some kind of respecting the no without any kind of drama but also removing them from my view.

[ey****]

a general thing on "rude" is it can depend on perception 

to you, you're someone new hoping to make friends and find community.  To them, you're just the latest who has said that.  It does take a lot of time to integrate into community.

Sometimes easier on threads because people often have more to go on and can exchange a lot easier.  

[vv****]

7 hours ago, crane_ said:

I am pretty sure it's not impacting that. No evidence for that but mainly because of how Fet works and it just doesn't feels like this would covered.

But it also would leave room for ***. If I am writing to enough fake profiles and they start just randomly block me and I would get banned from that, that would be a false ban then.

I remember the old days where we had that message quality filter. You could setup a filter based on how good the response rate was for a user after their initial first message. The idea itself? Nice. But... Your stats are ruinied if fake profiles arent answering.

Do you still consider it a red flag after my explanation? Because I don't see a point after I get a no thanks. Is the user changing their mind? Unlikely. So why should I see that profile within my search results? Especially when a profile changes their nick or main picture. Then I am looking at the profile and need to see "oh that profile passed already on me". So for me it is actually some kind of respecting the no without any kind of drama but also removing them from my view.

I should clarify- what I find red flag behavior is when a person is told “no” and their response is abusive language or to ignore the boundary.
Block away babes! But I do wonder if it affects your overall standing on the app…

[cr****]

3 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

I should clarify- what I find red flag behavior is when a person is told “no” and their response is abusive language or to ignore the boundary.
Block away babes! But I do wonder if it affects your overall standing on the app…

Ahhh! Yes. No disagreeing on that. 😄
Those people shouldn’t be blocked they should be banned…

[li****]

we need to see prior viol@tions prominently on people’s accounts. That would discourage bad behavior. and give a history of misconduct.

[SugarFreeDaddy]

Sadly I think this is the way most dating sites are like. I know Alt.com has a similar problem. Guess looking into conventions or similar social events (not munches) like it maybe the way to go.

[Deleted Member]

I've have just been played by a fake aswell, we moved onto WhatsApp last night to chat. I was very skeptical, then came the copy n paste messages about her rules etc. Read the exact same messages numerous times now.

[Rerreded]

This site is weird, somehow the old one was better and they've fully commited to the new inferior one. I find the app to be really annoying and I think like the treasure hunts are a way to entice the user base to navigate the terrible UI. I travel a alot and this site doesn't seem to work well for meeting people in different cities. For my situation traditional apps work better to meet vanilla women because it's easier to change whatever city I'm in.
On Fet I've noticed that there are still plenty of A.I. profiles kicking around despite their best efforts to remove them, and they're getting more sophisticated. You can use whatever A.I. assistant you want to find inconsistencies and rendering errors in pictures that you think are suspect. Another red flag is if they did bother to fill out the fetishes and interests sections you'll notice they cast a wide net and are into almost everything with bios copy pasting typical "legit" sounding lingo. Scammers follow a script, if you think you've heard it before, you have, and it's a scam.

[li****]

Your manners may not be mine. No one has an obligation to reply to anyone!! Or fill out their profile/quiz. Polite politics go toxic real quick. Just be a good human. How hard is that?

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said:

 

Completely agree. Being real, respectful, polite and having manners cost nothing.

So, on one hand.  There's a point you almost have.    And that's right - respecting someone's decision not to reply is good manners which costs nothing.   Expecting someone to give you a reply of any degree is entitlement and that is not being respectful.

On another

The whole "it costs nothing to be nice" bs isn't actually true.   Even something simple as replying a message - that your decision to message someone then becomes a demand on someone's time and effort - that, in "Being nice" if they're not interested they then have to find a way to say "no" which you would find palatable.   It also, unless the end with the good old "No thanks" button leaves them open to further replies and subsequent emotional labour - IIRC if they do not reply, you remain unblocked but cannot message for a while.  

It becomes the whole cost of managing your feelings because you decided to reach out. Why does that become their problem?  Equally, while sometimes a "soz not interested" can be nice. The little dopamine hit of an envelope popping up and then rejection after rejection however much effort they've then put in cushioning your feefees still actually has a mental sting because the hit you were expecting is taken away time after time.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So, on one hand.  There's a point you almost have.    And that's right - respecting someone's decision not to reply is good manners which costs nothing.   Expecting someone to give you a reply of any degree is entitlement and that is not being respectful.

On another

The whole "it costs nothing to be nice" bs isn't actually true.   Even something simple as replying a message - that your decision to message someone then becomes a demand on someone's time and effort - that, in "Being nice" if they're not interested they then have to find a way to say "no" which you would find palatable.   It also, unless the end with the good old "No thanks" button leaves them open to further replies and subsequent emotional labour - IIRC if they do not reply, you remain unblocked but cannot message for a while.  

It becomes the whole cost of managing your feelings because you decided to reach out. Why does that become their problem?  Equally, while sometimes a "soz not interested" can be nice. The little dopamine hit of an envelope popping up and then rejection after rejection however much effort they've then put in cushioning your feefees still actually has a mental sting because the hit you were expecting is taken away time after time.

I appreciate your point regarding entitlement. I didn't see it as that, however, I can see how it looks and I understand.

[SugarFreeDaddy]

I'm going to throw my final two cents in. This is a conundrum with no easy solution, and we're just going to have to deal with it. Yes, it's frustrating and it really sucks, but where there's a need, there are always opportunists.

I'm okay with F1ndoms even though I don't personally agree with the lifestyle, because it's consensual. The people they're milking go into it fully aware of what they're paying for. That said, I'm going to vent a little, those who scam people by pretending to have an emotional connection with folks who are genuinely looking for real relationships for financial gain, or who prey on others' emotional needs just for sex, are despicable, repugnant, and morally bankrupt. Most of us can agree on that.

There's really no way to completely get rid of them, so we just need to stay aware and call it out whenever we can as a community.

[vv****]

Yesterday at 06:29 AM, lilpadawan said:

we need to see prior viol@tions prominently on people’s accounts. That would discourage bad behavior. and give a history of misconduct.

I’m down for a little old fashioned public shaming. Lol

[Pa****]

22 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said:

I've have just been played by a fake aswell, we moved onto WhatsApp last night to chat. I was very skeptical, then came the copy n paste messages about her rules etc. Read the exact same messages numerous times now.

Dont go to whatsap or signal. Apps that use your phone number give identity thieves one more piece of info. Whatsapp is fairly easy to hack. Snapchat i have had zero problems with, where pics dissapear after posting them / site tells you if they screenshot. Not fool proof but better than most other options.

[Wi****]

You're not wrong. And I suspect this thread will get shutdown soon. That's how Support deals with these issues.

[FE****]

1 hour ago, Windwolf said:

You're not wrong. And I suspect this thread will get shutdown soon. That's how Support deals with these issues.

Not if the topic is kept to it won't.  There are many threads dedicated to issues with the site or the scene.

[SlightTech]

I recently joined and it has honestly been an exhausting experience compared to using FetLife. Dealt with more scammers in the past few weeks than I have at any other point in my life. The only thing that gives me hope is that I have talked to a couple genuine people on here that I enjoy talking to.

[cr****]

21 minutes ago, SlightTech said:

I recently joined and it has honestly been an exhausting experience compared to using FetLife. Dealt with more scammers in the past few weeks than I have at any other point in my life. The only thing that gives me hope is that I have talked to a couple genuine people on here that I enjoy talking to.

If the majority of accounts you are interacting with are scammers and not people you can date. Then the app doesn’t fulfill its job as a dating app while still taking your *** for the service…

And this is right now the truth. It’s getting worse and worse each day. And yet fet is taking *** and not giving anything back when you used a paid option like a kinky gift onto a scammer profile. How are you as a end user supposed to know?

Sorry Fet… but I am fed up. I had way to many conversations with people asking for *** in the past few days. While being blocked by the the message system from the last few humans here available. This is not we are getting scammed by scammers. This is we are getting scammed by fet itself willingly ignoring the problems.

If you don’t change it the platform is going to die.

[SlightTech]

1 hour ago, crane_ said:

If the majority of accounts you are interacting with are scammers and not people you can date. Then the app doesn’t fulfill its job as a dating app while still taking your *** for the service…

And this is right now the truth. It’s getting worse and worse each day. And yet fet is taking *** and not giving anything back when you used a paid option like a kinky gift onto a scammer profile. How are you as a end user supposed to know?

Sorry Fet… but I am fed up. I had way to many conversations with people asking for *** in the past few days. While being blocked by the the message system from the last few humans here available. This is not we are getting scammed by scammers. This is we are getting scammed by fet itself willingly ignoring the problems.

If you don’t change it the platform is going to die.

It's definitely disappointing because I see a lot of potential with this app/site. It's nice to have something more focused on people who are looking for partners in the BDSM community.

Fetlife is a great place to meet people as well, but it's a lot more leg work on finding specific types of people. It can be done, but you might be sifting through hundreds of profiles. I like that on here I can search for people based on my preferences that I'm looking for (gender, role, kinks, age range, distance, etc)

It's a big ick seeing scammers operate openly on here. It was what turned me off of using the popular vanilla dating services.

I don't mind paying for the service if there is clear use that the funds are being used to benefit the end user. Again, back to fet, it's clear that when you pay them, that their team is using those funds to make it a place that is better for the people who are generous enough to support them. But here it seems like they sucker you in by hiding core features behind the pay wall, and put minimal effort into the quality of life for the people who are giving their time and *** to use it.