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Is the Vibe Changing? The rise of ghosting, ***-requests, and profile turnover (even for paid accounts)

No****

By No****
in BDSM Forum

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Wi****

Wi****

Posted

Personally had good results on fetlife but its not a dating site, just browsing local groups or attending events is bound to work better

Pa****

Pa****

Posted
4 hours ago, hfidjdjdn said:

It’s a mess. I’m gonna bail on all online dating. That’s the strong intention anyway. Specifically I think it’s a rip off when about 3 messages in all of a sudden FET decides they need to have their profile veeified. I’m told I’m a good looking OG, house, all of it and nothing. Back out in to the wild I go!

The verification is often because, you may have just found them and are 5 msgs in, but someone else was 10 msgs in when they asked for monney or to take the convo to Telegram and had no other photos to send ;)

Pa****

Pa****

Posted
7 hours ago, bornTOserve said:

I’ve done the custom selfie before… but yes, don’t trust it anymore since proving one was AI of requesting her to “pinch her nose“ in the pic 😂

It’s pretty bad out there nowadays, on this app and others. A lot worse on alt.

Unfortunately we just have to watch our backs. I never send ***, don’t even give out my phone number or anything else more personal until I’ve met someone in person. Always talk on secure apps like Signal if taking the conversation elsewhere

Catfishers and AI profiles definitely have noticeable traits in their pics, bios and messages. I just try to keep an eye out for those and stair clear of them

Believe it or not, Snapchat is safer. Signal & Telegram are encrypted for msgs, but they are phine number based and can be hacked / phished to reveal your phone number and or friend list, if it isnt already displayed, lol.

Pa****

Pa****

Posted

Fet should required a minimum of 90% filled out, proper profiles. They should delete or suspend any profiles older than 6 mnths with no activity. And get AI to flag those already reported as fakes or scammers, lol.
Maybe, maybe then i would pay. .

Laycette

Laycette

Posted

Yes all of that but the way the site is built, its policies and marketing all invite that kind of thing. Remember this is a dating site pretending to be a kink site. So it is not populated mostly by actual kink people. And that's the issue right there.

Kinkyboy1980

Kinkyboy1980

Posted
5 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

At least you guys are getting to the point of being ghosted, I never even get responses ever to my messages, and yes, they are always respectful and not entitled or anything women complain about all the time. They're "the right kind of message", and I haven't even had a response in over a year.

Exactly my experience aswell, they probably are ghosting you if they are online.

cellofello

cellofello

Posted
12 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said:

I'm really struggling with it all, hardly had any conversations, nobody replies, just ghosts me. I just don't know where to find a genuine female domme.

You do have to deal with the fact that it is definitely a buyer's market, so to speak. There are far more het male subs than female doms. I've had decent luck finding kinky or at least kink-receptive women in vanilla settings, women who would never be on this site.

ey****

ey****

Posted

but anyway....

requests for cash = standard with any dating site especially as it grows in interest.   I rarely get these messages.     However, I guess, the more people you message - those who want cash always reply.  It requires more profile vetting

profiles getting deleted mid convo = this isn't as bad as it was.   but yeah, happen if a profile goes mid convo a good chance they were going to ask for that old cash.  however a few years ago - if guys reported women for being "fake" (which could be "she said no") it would push through a fake check which understandably ***ed a lot of women off and of course, at least temporarily, made them unavailable to people they were chatting to

Ghosting - especially during "conversations that were respectful / going well" there is a big.... well, ok, for your perspective? what about theirs? Amazing how many times the other person was simply bored.    But then also, folk confuse people's "online status" with their availability and get ***y on wanting a response and that's entitlement.

Like, there's no need for a grand departure, if someone isn't enjoying a conversation they can close it at any time.

Kinkyboy1980

Kinkyboy1980

Posted

Over the past few days I have messaged a couple of potential matches. All 3 either ignored me or blocked me. I really do not know where to go from here. For someone low on confidence this site is full of brutal people. It's so demoralising.

Un****

Un****

Posted
Wednesday at 12:50 PM, haines-city10472 said:

I am a woman and am seriously frustrated with the number of times I’ve been ghosted or blocked without explanation. It’s incredibly frustrating. When did it become socially acceptable to ghost people? I mean, be an adult and just say you’re no longer interested.

And I’ve been catfished so many times on other sites and a few times already on this one. It’s becoming a huge problem across all digital platforms.

I’m struggling to make genuine connections. And when I finally do, a lot of the time I find that they misrepresent themselves. Men who have never been Doms before try to pass themselves off as such because they’re curious. Curiosity is fine, but be honest from the start.

Same same!! Female here and I have run into the same issues. I don't know what's more frustrating, the AI generated pics, fake profiles, the lack of communication skills, the younger guys who are simply looking for the "experience," or the Dom-wannabes. I'm becoming quite disheartened with finding someone genuine.

ey****

ey****

Posted
13 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said:

Over the past few days I have messaged a couple of potential matches. All 3 either ignored me or blocked me. I really do not know where to go from here. For someone low on confidence this site is full of brutal people. It's so demoralising.

Building your confidence is not the responsibility of strangers on the site. This is something that you will have to look at and work on.

You cannot control how others will respond to you and linking your confidence/happiness/etc on something you cannot control is going to end in hurt and... being demoralised... when you don't get what you want.   

Brutal? Nah.  Those who ignored, have you even given em time to reply?  Though yeah, it may be they're not interested. Those who hit block definitely aren't.  I'm not sure what the otherwise expectation was.   

As it's somewhat simplest. Pick yourself up and go again.  Have a look if there's anything you could improve in your messages or profile. Employee patience - and learn to, well, not let it flatten you if it doesn't go your way. In a relationship things will not always go your way.

la****

la****

Posted
On 7/8/2026 at 5:50 AM, haines-city10472 said:

I am a woman and am seriously frustrated with the number of times I’ve been ghosted or blocked without explanation. It’s incredibly frustrating. When did it become socially acceptable to ghost people? I mean, be an adult and just say you’re no longer interested.

And I’ve been catfished so many times on other sites and a few times already on this one. It’s becoming a huge problem across all digital platforms.

I’m struggling to make genuine connections. And when I finally do, a lot of the time I find that they misrepresent themselves. Men who have never been Doms before try to pass themselves off as such because they’re curious. Curiosity is fine, but be honest from the start.

I understand what you are going through and I feel the same way.

cr****

cr****

Posted

I 100% agree to that feeling.

In fact I am trying to publish a similar feedback which is going more into deep about how Fet works and where I think the system is no longer working as intended on the forum.

Since I am still in approval phase I just released it on my profile.

Happy reading for those who will do. :)

vv****

vv****

Posted

I keep coming back to this discussion and I’ve read comments ranging from blaming other users to blaming bots/The Algorithm to an insistence on personal accountability and I feel like there’s a critical element we are forgetting here: the app is for profit not for people.
The app asks if you want more features for a presumably better user experience, then pay. We know this app is buggy. We know moderation is community/volunteer based. This app relies on subscription fees (recurring or not) to get their nut. What I have discovered is such an unfair disparity between male and female accounts and what is hidden behind a pay wall. I have a free account and use points to occasionally upgrade to premium, it’s not a huge difference on my side but from my understanding it’s a notable difference on the men’s user experience.
More bots, lure more users, who have to pay more ***. There’s always outside scammers who will exploit dating apps in hopes of gaining access to individual users, sure. But why would this app actively cut accounts when they draw in potentially paying users?
So why use it? Because it’s what’s available. We have some other options but for those of us specifically into BDSM it’s tricky to find a space dedicated to us. Many apps offer similar communities but tend to be a bit broader (again marketability). We’ve always dealt with this kind of thing within our community, and we’ve managed. I agree though, it’s discouraging but as someone who is genuinely interested in making connections, I stick around.

cr****

cr****

Posted
17 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

I keep coming back to this discussion and I’ve read comments ranging from blaming other users to blaming bots/The Algorithm to an insistence on personal accountability and I feel like there’s a critical element we are forgetting here: the app is for profit not for people.
The app asks if you want more features for a presumably better user experience, then pay. We know this app is buggy. We know moderation is community/volunteer based. This app relies on subscription fees (recurring or not) to get their nut. What I have discovered is such an unfair disparity between male and female accounts and what is hidden behind a pay wall. I have a free account and use points to occasionally upgrade to premium, it’s not a huge difference on my side but from my understanding it’s a notable difference on the men’s user experience.
More bots, lure more users, who have to pay more ***. There’s always outside scammers who will exploit dating apps in hopes of gaining access to individual users, sure. But why would this app actively cut accounts when they draw in potentially paying users?
So why use it? Because it’s what’s available. We have some other options but for those of us specifically into BDSM it’s tricky to find a space dedicated to us. Many apps offer similar communities but tend to be a bit broader (again marketability). We’ve always dealt with this kind of thing within our community, and we’ve managed. I agree though, it’s discouraging but as someone who is genuinely interested in making connections, I stick around.

Yes, yes & yes.

And now but... ^^
This app used to be better and it got worse and worse over the years.
Systems get more and more complicated. Blocking users from communicating while selling this as a "security feature" to "protect" users.
While in the end it is just another new wall to get more ***.

I am also staying. But I am afraid of this app is right now killing itself with this behavior. And when this happens what? Like you said. We don't have much alternatives with this interests. The market is pretty empty here. :(

vv****

vv****

Posted
7 minutes ago, crane_ said:

Yes, yes & yes.

And now but... ^^
This app used to be better and it got worse and worse over the years.
Systems get more and more complicated. Blocking users from communicating while selling this as a "security feature" to "protect" users.
While in the end it is just another new wall to get more ***.

I am also staying. But I am afraid of this app is right now killing itself with this behavior. And when this happens what? Like you said. We don't have much alternatives with this interests. The market is pretty empty here. :(

Unsure, but I suppose we do what we’ve always don’t and survive. We tend to find our community even if it’s in dungeons or clubs or little corners on the internet. This lifestyle isn’t for the weak and it can get lonely at times. I think that’s where at lot of the frustration stems from regarding thus app. We just want real connections.

ey****

ey****

Posted
57 minutes ago, vvhitelie said:

What I have discovered is such an unfair disparity between male and female accounts and what is hidden behind a pay wall

this is something I agree is a huge problem

there's a lot I kinda understand - but it effectively switches the women into being the product, and pushes a lot of entitlement in some of the men, which in exchange leads to a negative experience for some of the women :/ 

vv****

vv****

Posted
18 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this is something I agree is a huge problem

there's a lot I kinda understand - but it effectively switches the women into being the product, and pushes a lot of entitlement in some of the men, which in exchange leads to a negative experience for some of the women :/ 

I don’t disagree. There’s an undeniable social element. Attitudes about what is and isn’t acceptable in dating are shifting dramatically- especially with online/app dating being so prevalent now than in yesteryear (I’m old). I think it’s a culmination of a lot of elements. Commodifying women isn’t new unfortunately. Doing so is socially harmful because it sends the message that we are for consumption - which isn’t fun in a non-kink way. When that’s the message send that’s how users behave. Add in general lack of education, unrefined social skills, personal views, etcetcetc…. It’s hard to navigate. I just wish this app wasn’t adding to the problem.

cr****

cr****

Posted
2 hours ago, vvhitelie said:

I don’t disagree. There’s an undeniable social element. Attitudes about what is and isn’t acceptable in dating are shifting dramatically- especially with online/app dating being so prevalent now than in yesteryear (I’m old). I think it’s a culmination of a lot of elements. Commodifying women isn’t new unfortunately. Doing so is socially harmful because it sends the message that we are for consumption - which isn’t fun in a non-kink way. When that’s the message send that’s how users behave. Add in general lack of education, unrefined social skills, personal views, etcetcetc…. It’s hard to navigate. I just wish this app wasn’t adding to the problem.

And those are the main problems for me which should be tackled.

Removing those people which lack education and manners quicker from the app. Because those are part of the reason we have such a complicated message system.

Because assholes do stay assholes. And if they have *** and can bypass those restrictions with *** they will.

Ma****

Ma****

Posted
Yesterday at 05:42 AM, Kinkyboy1980 said:

Over the past few days I have messaged a couple of potential matches. All 3 either ignored me or blocked me. I really do not know where to go from here. For someone low on confidence this site is full of brutal people. It's so demoralising.

I agree with eyemblacksheep, but I'll add to what he said. When you message someone, make sure the person you're messaging is looking for the same thing. If you are looking for a relationship, make sure they are as well. If you're just looking to hook up, make sure you are too. And make sure your profile is specific to what you're looking for. If you say relationship but your profile reads like you want to hook up, then it's contradictory and folks will pass on it. I've had people message me that aren't looking for the same thing so I don't bother to respond.

vv****

vv****

Posted
8 hours ago, Maliria said:

I agree with eyemblacksheep, but I'll add to what he said. When you message someone, make sure the person you're messaging is looking for the same thing. If you are looking for a relationship, make sure they are as well. If you're just looking to hook up, make sure you are too. And make sure your profile is specific to what you're looking for. If you say relationship but your profile reads like you want to hook up, then it's contradictory and folks will pass on it. I've had people message me that aren't looking for the same thing so I don't bother to respond.

I hear you. I want to know though, how often before you chose to simply not respond, did you say “no thank you” or “I’m not interested” and how was your rejection taken by the other person? In my experience, most times I have told the person I’m not interested (or used the pre-written “no thanks” provided by the app) I am either blocked or get a nasty “f you too then” response. This is an argument I hear often “oh women just don’t reply!” - I think our experiences have conditioned us. “But not all men!” - yes, but enough men. It’s unfortunate…

jinxed

jinxed

Posted
On 7/8/2026 at 6:32 PM, hfidjdjdn said:

It’s a mess. I’m gonna bail on all online dating. That’s the strong intention anyway. Specifically I think it’s a rip off when about 3 messages in all of a sudden FET decides they need to have their profile veeified. I’m told I’m a good looking OG, house, all of it and nothing. Back out in to the wild I go!

And that makes two of us! :raised_hands: The wilderness is calling! 

I still believe that it is absolutely possible to meet a brilliant match on here. However, there are so many hurdles that need to be overcome: building basic trust via some messages before you exchange numbers - getting to know the actual other person vs. the idea you've created in your head - finding potential and realistic solutions in case of geographical distance - and then the real big one: consistency in putting in the effort.. I got to stage five just to be utterly disappointed. Even without mean intentions from one person, for me personally these obstacles simply seem unsurmountable.
Being a hetero sub, finding someone in the vanilla world is not a problem, so far I got almost every man I met to change his tune. But I can fully see how difficult the "real" world would be to others on here. Maybe it is a question of looking more locally and trying to meet up asap to weed out the scammers and to get actual 'results'. 
Btw. don't you guys have joyclub? Is that something German? Many kinky people have told me they met their matches on there. 

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