Newbie question, what is classed as normal?

[Kenny79]

I know that I always have enjoyed the male to take control in the bedroom department. Also if I have to take control, I get bored and will stop and do something else. I have always excepted that this is me. However I have recently come out of a really bad relationship and also he thought vanilla was too kinky. 

Now that I have escaped, I feel like I want to explore my wilder, submissive side but I'm unsure whether I am doing it to soon. I want to explore a lot further than I have ever done but I'm afraid because of what others might think.

Is this normal and should I carry on exploring or should I give myself more time. I am a bit confused between what I want to do and what I think I should be doing.

Does anyone have any advice for me, please?

[Robustlove]

Exploring your interests or desires (whether they be sexually or not) is never something that anyone else should judge or frown upon, it's a natural and normal part of self exploration. With any type of new exploration or discovery and particularly if you are looking to explore your nature or desires as a submissive in a BDSM D/s context, then I would take it as slowly as you are comfortable with and make sure that no matter who you meet or how much you want to start exploring, that you never allow yourself to be pressured into anything before you feel ready for it. That confusion you feel (and I may be wrong about this) seems to me to be the friction between doing what you think others expect you to do in terms of societal or social so-called "norms" and what you actually desire to explore and do. We are often conditioned by society, religion, the media etc, into thinking any type of sexual deviation from standard vanilla fare is something bad, wrong, nasty or something we should feel guilty or ashamed about, when in fact the opposite is true. Exploring you sexuality, your desires and fantasies is a very healthy way to explore yourself and become a far more whole, well balanced and liberated individual who knows who they are and what they enjoy The more people you meet who encourage this and respect you for it the more you will loose the guilt/shame of having desires that are more than vanilla and gain the confidence and pride to express yourself in any way you wish and without *** of being judged by others for your sexual desires, interests or your sexuality as a whole.

[Kenny79]

@Robustlove, thank you. That does sound spot. I was brought up to be a Catholic, even though I knew it wasn't me. I always seem to be able to think for myself but I always step in line for an "easier" life. I just don't want to do this anymore. I do plan on taking things slowly and start off with what I know I like and then see where it takes me. I always care about how others perceive. I just want to know where do I fit in. I'm unsure whether I should start to explore myself now, even though I want to, or should I wait for things in my life to settle down a bit. Sorry, I seem to be going on a bit now. Thank you for your reply.

4 hours ago, Robustlove said:

Exploring your interests or desires (whether they be sexually or not) is never something that anyone else should judge or frown upon, it's a natural and normal part of self exploration. With any type of new exploration or discovery and particularly if you are looking to explore your nature or desires as a submissive in a BDSM D/s context, then I would take it as slowly as you are comfortable with and make sure that no matter who you meet or how much you want to start exploring, that you never allow yourself to be pressured into anything before you feel ready for it. That confusion you feel (and I may be wrong about this) seems to me to be the friction between doing what you think others expect you to do in terms of societal or social so-called "norms" and what you actually desire to explore and do. We are often conditioned by society, religion, the media etc, into thinking any type of sexual deviation from standard vanilla fare is something bad, wrong, nasty or something we should feel guilty or ashamed about, when in fact the opposite is true. Exploring you sexuality, your desires and fantasies is a very healthy way to explore yourself and become a far more whole, well balanced and liberated individual who knows who they are and what they enjoy The more people you meet who encourage this and respect you for it the more you will loose the guilt/shame of having desires that are more than vanilla and gain the confidence and pride to express yourself in any way you wish and without *** of being judged by others for your sexual desires, interests or your sexuality as a whole.

 

[Deleted Member]

Quite simply there is no such thing as normal and you deservesomeone to treat in the way you desire x

[Robustlove]

2 hours ago, Jlmay79 said:

@Robustlove, thank you. That does sound spot. I was brought up to be a Catholic, even though I knew it wasn't me. I always seem to be able to think for myself but I always step in line for an "easier" life. I just don't want to do this anymore. I do plan on taking things slowly and start off with what I know I like and then see where it takes me. I always care about how others perceive. I just want to know where do I fit in. I'm unsure whether I should start to explore myself now, even though I want to, or should I wait for things in my life to settle down a bit. Sorry, I seem to be going on a bit now. Thank you for your reply.

@Jlmay79 Your welcome my friend. I was also brought up as a Catholic in a strict Roman Catholic Scottish family, so I can empathise and understand the kind of guilt and shame that religious conditioning and programming can have on people. It can be a real struggle to overcome that and become your own person and not simply just another conditioned follower. The best way to start exploring is to learn and that means reading up about the areas of sexual fetishes or kinks that interest you the most or watching tutorialesque or more informative and instructional videos on sites like youtube. You can do all that from the comfort of your own home and sofa with no need to dive into any situations with anyone that you may not feel ready for just yet.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for wanting to step in line and have an easy life, often doing things, thinking or acting outside of the "accepted norms" of the society around us can be a fractious experience, not because of who we are or what we do, but because of other people's own issues and how their issues cause them to react to us. Having the empathy that you seem to have for how you come across to others is a deeply helpful and incredibly undervalued trait and will help you to meet new people and new friends who you can be more yourself around than perhaps some of the friends and people you have around you at present. That empathy for others and how they are around you will serve you well and I am sure that care for others will keep you safe from ever overstepping any perceived boundaries of what others expect from you, but be careful not to allow your care for others to trump acting in favour of your own destiny. None of us were put here to help or make any other person happy other than ourselves and although it can be tough to do this for someone with high levels of empathy, sometimes you have to put your needs first and act in favour of yourself instead of those around you. After all if we can;t first be kind, understanding, forgiving, generous and happy with ourselves, how can we ever hope to be or give any of those things to others.

No Need to apologise at all by the way, were all here for many reasons and many of us have come to find help and understanding and hopefully that's something you will find here on this site in abundance.

[Kenny79]

@Robustlove, thank you.

[Kenny79]

1 hour ago, HeavyMetalChris said:

Quite simply there is no such thing as normal and you deservesomeone to treat in the way you desire x

@HeavyMetalChris, thank you.

[Bellissimo1]

Normality...norm...epithesis of boring

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Bellissimo1 said:

Normality...norm...epithesis of boring

Normally i'd agree, but in this instance the OP is asking if their emotions are wrong, so it is right to say 'no, you're totally normal.' 

None of us are normal, no one is. We're all our own unique brand of weirdness and that's okay. 

@Jlmay79  You do what you want to do. There's nothing wrong with your desires. Go at your own pace, research and you can always come here to the forum to ask for support/help.

[Kenny79]

@VictoriaBlisse, thank you.

[ca****]

I'd agree with much of the above - words like 'normal' and 'average' - can be and are often very restrictive and controlling in there own right.

I tihnk, a lot of this is down to perception and how 'one' sees and makes  sense of how others are perceiving them - i am pretty useless at this myself - so i tend to ignore it and get on with it in my own way (where I can).

I think you wrote the answer in your 3rd paragraph - just find the pace and time for exploring that works for you.  I think online communities and resources such as Fetish - are a pretty good place to do that.  Just look at the above advice - you get to see it form differing angles and different peoples perspectives.  

 

Be good

[Kenny79]

@callipygian, thank you. I don't really want to be good 😜. I hope you don't mind me saying this but you do have a nice bum.

[ca****]

Mind !!!!!!!!  I am offended - just trying to stop my head swelling (ahem!)

...and be bad

[Kenny79]

@callipygian, Sorry.

[ca****]

16 minutes ago, Jlmay79 said:

@callipygian, Sorry.

I was jesting    But apologies are accepted.

[Bellissimo1]

On 10/04/2018 at 4:52 PM, Jlmay79 said:

I know that I always have enjoyed the male to take control in the bedroom department. Also if I have to take control, I get bored and will stop and do something else. I have always excepted that this is me. However I have recently come out of a really bad relationship and also he thought vanilla was too kinky. 

Now that I have escaped, I feel like I want to explore my wilder, submissive side but I'm unsure whether I am doing it to soon. I want to explore a lot further than I have ever done but I'm afraid because of what others might think.

Is this normal and should I carry on exploring or should I give myself more time. I am a bit confused between what I want to do and what I think I should be doing.

Does anyone have any advice for me, please?

Yes.explore in your own house or very privately..."others " who? You dont go around and tell the shopkeeper or your hairdresser.lol Very private thing, dont pubblicise around. like other couples..Husband John dont go around im pubs and say to all who care to listen:"l love when my wife kick me in the balls".lol

[Kenny79]

14 hours ago, Bellissimo1 said:

Yes.explore in your own house or very privately..."others " who? You dont go around and tell the shopkeeper or your hairdresser.lol Very private thing, dont pubblicise around. like other couples..Husband John dont go around im pubs and say to all who care to listen:"l love when my wife kick me in the balls".lol

@Bellissimo1, if this is really how you feel, then why are you on a site that openly talks about sex? Then again if you are trying to get some attention try a different method other than negging. You probably would have more luck.

[Kenny79]

1 hour ago, Jlmay79 said:

@Bellissimo1, if this is really how you feel, then why are you on a site that openly talks about sex? Then again if you are trying to get some attention try a different method other than negging. You probably would have more luck.

Also @Bellissimo1, you are contradicting your. By keeping things in the bedroom and not talking about your sexual feelings is societies way of controlling what is "Normal", but didn't you say earlier that, "Normality...Norm...epithesis of boring".

So what is it that you actually want or like so many of us, you don't really know?

[sc****]

I think giving the advice to explore within the privacy of your own home is reasonable and sound advice if you are worried about what others might think. There's no need to tell people if it makes you uncomfortable. 

There are plenty of people in my life I wouldn't want to discuss anything sexual with and plenty of people I know would react badly to a discussion about BDSM, but that's okay, as I just avoid discussing it with them.  Some people like to be very open about it and that's okay too.  The thing I try to remember when someone reacts badly to something is that their reaction is more a reflection of them and any issues they may have rather than a reflection of myself. 

 

I don't think there's any set time frame that is more desirable than any other regarding when's best to allow yourself to move on from a relationship. I would say listen to yourself, if you feel ready  for some self exploration then you most probably are ready. If you try exploring and find that you feel guilty for doing so, that's okay, and a very natural reaction. I have experienced those feelings in the past and I just let myself feel them, treated myself with compassion, gave myself a little time to process my feelings and I felt happy to continue after that. 

I think it's very important to listen to yourself first and foremost, if others have supportive words to say then listen to those too, If someone treats you with disrespect or attempts to make you feel guilty for being yourself, show them the door. : )

[53percentnormal]

I think it's only too soon if you don't feel comfortable in yourself with what you're doing. If the problem is simply how you feel others might perceive it, then it's about over coming that barrier of allowing yourself to be influenced by what others might think. 

One thing to realise is that what other people think is often very stupid, or even just a straight up lie, and depending entirely on the environment and who you surround yourself with, people's judgement will change drastically anyway. *** for example...any hint while I'm at work of mentioning I use them recreationally, and I'd be looked at as if I've suddenly admitted I like to eat human babies or something. If I'm at a festival with friends, suddenly if I'm not taking every hardcore drug in site, I'm a fucking weirdo (I don't actually use any *** so no idea why this seemed like a good analogy).

Think of it as similar to when you come out of a bad relationship and feel set free, because you are no longer tied down by what someone else wants or doesn't want you to do. If you stop limiting yourself to what other people perceive as normal, and trust your own judgement, again it will feel like you suddenly have more freedom. It wont make you a worse or bad person, because at the end of the day these are things you've always had the desire to do anyway, and it has never been a question of morality standing in the way. Just a *** of others not approving.

Normal is a perception based on the environment you find yourself in at the time. There are people in my life who would think my bedroom life is absolutely absurd...yet there are people on here who go way beyond where my limits are. That's what's great about this place and places like this though. It helps you to realise that it's just about experiences and what you're comfortable with, how far you want to push yourself etc. Not being busy worrying about what your mate or family would think of you. I can't even wear a different colour shirt without someone having an opinion on it.