Going back

[jinxed]

Roughly six years ago, I met my first Dom. The sexual chemistry between us was exceptional from the very beginning and together we discovered the world of BDSM in all it's colours. However, as I went through a lot of changes in my life at the time and as we both had/have our issues, there were many frictions and misunderstandings, turning it into a wild and exhausting on-off-situationship and at least for me a serious addiction to the incredible highs we experienced together. Three years ago it ended and I've since learned a lot about setting boundaries (with him I simply had none), using my safeword and basing a dynamic on a caring and loving foundation instead of pure lust. Throughout the three years apart, we kept having these short phases of getting back in touch online, which led to a frenzy each and every time, just to end in another misunderstanding. 

So when he messaged some weeks ago, I thought it would be the same. He always wanted a loving relationship with me, I knew this all along, but I wasn't able to trust or truly engage which in turn made him keep his distance and turn cold.  But apparently, I actually have changed. This time, I told him that I am looking for a deep connection that allows for kink. And suddenly he opened up. And what came out is beautiful and caring and loving. So now I am considering meeting him again. 
My question is: Have you ever gone back to a formerly toxic dynamic and it was actually different? Is that really possible? Or are the old structures and behaviours so deeply ingrained that it's not possible? Of course, I'm aware that this depends highly on whether both partners have worked on themselves. But even then, can dynamics really change? What do you think?

[fa****]

Oh .. great question, and in theory it might work - as you pointed out with the necessity of both having done the work and both did really change BUT .. here comes the big BUT. In my experience it has never worked in the real world, not in mine personaly nor in other peoples relationships I observed and talked about.

I am still waiting to hear about that story that did work out - so if you decide to try it please update me/us! I would be curious on the details why you think it worked rather then not (=

One more thing I want to say, what makes it more difficult: even if you both changed, you still have your shared past experiences, which naturaly left some emotional traces maybe even trauma, that e.g. led to broken trust, some believes that each of you shaped to protect themself and move on, which al can make it very very difficult to allow this "freely getting to know each other" what you have in a new relationship, metaphoricaly speaking where you got an empty book with empty pages...

My question to you:
How do you feel when you think about getting back together, when you imagine it?

[ey****]

I've never gone back to someone after a dynamic ended

but

I know many who have and a lot is contextual

Why didn't it work last time? (which I don't need you to answer, just something to ask yourself) Why will it be different this time? (same applies)

The answer could be of course they you have changed, they have changed, you both have changed 

But also a why now...?

[Cr****]

For my experience, this will not end well. Nice story tho

[DomSteedaX]

It has always been my feeling that an ex is an ex for a reason. Sure situations may have changed and thoughts, but the core personality has not and never will. I feel you have an 80% chance (if not more). of this failing again and being a more ***ful experience than 3 years ago.

[ar****]

Seen from my experience one might change small behaviors, but core elements of ones charakter are only changeable if something traumatic happens..and maybe not even then.
Of course you could risk a look and see if or if not, but if you do, caution is recommended

[fa****]

1 minute ago, artistic said:

Seen from my experience one might change small behaviors, but core elements of ones charakter are only changeable if something traumatic happens..and maybe not even then.
Of course you could risk a look and see if or if not, but if you do, caution is recommended

Oh .. yeah, but also that caution in itself is a very negative influence on the dynamic itself ...

[Deleted Member]

Don't do that, move on

[de****]

That incredible chemistry played its role. Some soulmates are made to change you, not to stay. Go back if you need more information, but you already know the answer my darling.

[puppymeows]

This partnership was there to teach you, and if you rejoin you may have to be taught something again. That variety of learning is not pleasant, to say the least, but sometimes it is necessary. So that’s up to you.

But once an abusive relationship, always an abusive relationship. Have enough believe in yourself that you’ll find someone with just as much delicious chemistry that HASN’T done all of that to you. Imagine how beautiful that would be, the same beauty without the same ***. 🙏🏼

Stay well. Make the decision you need to make, and know that many people who don’t even know you are here and care about your wellbeing.

[jinxed]

3 hours ago, fallen_angel1 said:

 even if you both changed, you still have your shared past experiences, which naturaly left some emotional traces maybe even trauma, that e.g. led to broken trust, some believes that each of you shaped to protect themself and move on, 

This is exactly what makes me worry. And yes, trust was broken on the way, it was an intense time. What makes me think that it might be possible for it to be different this time is that we'd reconnect at a rather stable point in my life instead of a time in which I had just left my former marriage and in which my life was upside down. 

To answer your question: Thinking about being back with him makes me aroused in a way I can't describe and very apprehensive about losing myself again in the dynamic at the same time. Not a good combination. 

But! It could be a perfect way to practice my new skills. I've told him that I've changed and he says he loves to hear that. So if I could stick to my boundaries and stop focusing only on sex with this man who has cast the most insane spell over me, then that could move me a lot closer to a healthy sex life than if I found a man who makes this easy for me. Where would be the challenge in that? Self-deceiving is clearly a great skill of mine.. 

[jinxed]

1 hour ago, deepexhale said:

That incredible chemistry played its role. Some soulmates are made to change you, not to stay. Go back if you need more information, but you already know the answer my darling.

I hear you all! But... the lust wants what it wants it seems. I guess 'more information' is needed. 

[PresentisPeculiar]

Not lifestyle related but yes, a horrible break up led to a 25+year marriage. It is possible. But you'll know early on

[Lo****]

It’s always different until you recognize old patterns 🤷🏼‍♀️ people don’t “change”, they evolve and find different strategies for dealing with life as they get older and earn more experience. He’s the same, his personality is the same and you and yours are too, although you too keep on evolving every day.
Maybe your lust finds this frustrating , but if it wasn’t a match, it still isn’t when it comes to emotional things😌
Sometimes people come back to our lifes over and over again because they didn’t find or couldn’t keep another person, but they know, they can always have you.
Basic narcissistic behavior 🥴
You’ll find your match, watch your lust😉
Good luck however you decide 🫶🏻

[bu****]

My experience No, they don't change. It's part of them.

[Ch****]

Whose perception is it that you couldn't trust or truly engage? Yours, or his? Also, who perceived that you changed...him or you? Your use of the word "apparently" might mean a lot. (You might have used it because you broke a toxic relationship pattern for the better, but it's unclear). The answers to these might give a little more insight as to whether dynamics actually changed.

[TimberTara]

My experience is nothing changes. There might be a little euphoria, but deep down inside everybody is who everybody is.

I had a five-year roller coaster relationship where it was at her pleasure and I finally broke it off. It hurt the sex was amazing but it was going nowhere.

But every time she called, I came back and I knew it was toxic, but the sex was great

So I would tell you to strongly strongly, consider going back regardless of the euphoria you’re feeling now

[jinxed]

1 hour ago, ChromeStarz said:

Whose perception is it that you couldn't trust or truly engage? Yours, or his? Also, who perceived that you changed...him or you? Your use of the word "apparently" might mean a lot. (You might have used it because you broke a toxic relationship pattern for the better, but it's unclear). The answers to these might give a little more insight as to whether dynamics actually changed.

It is more than just my perception. There are (childhood) reasons for my difficulties with trusting and with men it is unfortunately the worst. So I used the word "apparently", because I sometimes can't believe how much my ability to question my own behaviour and more importantly to regulate it has developed over the last few years, made possible by therapy and facing some dark truths about myself. 

Our exchange is so very different now because I allow it to be different in the first place. Instead of blocking out any emotional aspects and keeping it strictly sexual as I used to do, I now let him see me and I'm beginning to be interested in him, not just his incredible skills when it comes to sex. It wasn't that I used to be shallow, I used to be stone cold in an attempt to protect myself. Now that I've learned to like myself with all the mad and even disturbing parts of me, I'm beginning to be able to open up to others. This is new and the craziest feeling ever. But of course, I am aware that because of this, it might hurt so much more should it fail, as @DomSteedaX pointed out. And it will fail eventually, I know that we are not the right kind of energy for each other in the long run. But I've got the feeling that we might have an incredibly enrichening time together if I can stay as open, yet self-assured as I am at the moment.

Apologies for this soul striptease. Reading the answers in this thread makes me think so much and helps me looking at it from different perspectives and I am very grateful for them! 

Edited August 10 by jinxed

[Ch****]

3 hours ago, jinxed said:

It is more than just my perception. There are (childhood) reasons for my difficulties with trusting and with men it is unfortunately the worst. So I used the word "apparently", because I sometimes can't believe how much my ability to question my own behaviour and more importantly to regulate it has developed over the last few years, made possible by therapy and facing some dark truths about myself. 

Our exchange is so very different now because I allow it to be different in the first place. Instead of blocking out any emotional aspects and keeping it strictly sexual as I used to do, I now let him see me and I'm beginning to be interested in him, not just his incredible skills when it comes to sex. It wasn't that I used to be shallow, I used to be stone cold in an attempt to protect myself. Now that I've learned to like myself with all the mad and even disturbing parts of me, I'm beginning to be able to open up to others. This is new and the craziest feeling ever. But of course, I am aware that because of this, it might hurt so much more should it fail, as @DomSteedaX pointed out. And it will fail eventually, I know that we are not the right kind of energy for each other in the long run. But I've got the feeling that we might have an incredibly enrichening time together if I can stay as open, yet self-assured as I am at the moment.

Jenna and I are arguing a little about this. She came in with a straight "no"...I was thinking more about eyem's "why now" and my first impression that your guy might be implanting your perception on some level....that doesnt seem to be the case. In fact, you seem to be placing most of the burden of blame on yourself. If you were trying to convince us to get back with him, good job. Im of the "two to tango" philosophy...and I'm a bit suspicious of his in/out (and why in now, especially). But overall, without really knowing what the misunderstanding, etc patterns were, it's hard to make a call. It does seem that you're being a little harsh on yourself about the problems in the relationship. 

 

[an****]

Hear me out: plan for the end, the breakup, the divorce like you want each other to thrive.

This is the advice I give all my married friends (especially an finances) and I live by and enter relationships with the end and goals in mind.

It's like this, if you plan in a mutually respectful and beneficial way you are way more likely to be happier, there is less disparity in worth/effort/value and if there is an end, both have an equal footing (which also diminishes the likelihood the end is the result because no one feels trapped or used).

Have goals for the relationship.

Have check-ins.

Make a contract/arrangements.

Be adults.

Be realistic.

Allow for forever, accept less.

Enjoy what you get.

[jinxed]

4 hours ago, ChromeStarz said:

Im of the "two to tango" philosophy...and I'm a bit suspicious of his in/out (and why in now, especially)

There were no outs of his. I kept running away whenever I was triggered too much. 

He's not an angel, he has his issues and I see them. But when we met, I was a loose cannon and to call my former behavior unpredictable and challenging is an understatement. 

So it would be interesting to see what happens if I'm more accommodating and open. As an example, I never let him visit me, it was always me who drove four hours to his place because I didn't want him to be part of my real life. So I've decided to invite him to stay with me now to get to know each other again and more thoroughly. We'll see. I'm ready for the ride, even if it turns out to be a short one, and this thread has actually helped me in making a more thought through and realistic decision. 🫶

[jinxed]

1 hour ago, anotherusername said:

This is the advice I give all my married friends (especially an finances) and I live by and enter relationships with the end and goals in mind.

Have goals for the relationship.

Have check-ins.

Make a contract/arrangements.

Be adults.

Be realistic.

Allow for forever, accept less.

Enjoy what you get.

I'm in full support of everything you wrote apart from "allow for forever". That I can't and don't want to do. 

When I told a friend yesterday that I'm going into it looking at it as a sort of training session, he said it killed romance and wasn't a healthy way to go into a relationship. That may be the case. But I simply know that I'm not at the point where I can be with the kind of partner that would truly complement me. So as long as both people are aware that forever is not an option, I believe it's completely fair to engage in such a stepping stone relationship. 

In German, there is a perfect word for this: Lebensabschnittsgefährte - life stage companion. You walk some of life's path together until you get to a crossroad and find your own way. I like this so much! Yes, this means you're ultimately on your own but also it allows for continuous development! 

[an****]

11 hours ago, jinxed said:

I'm in full support of everything you wrote apart from "allow for forever". That I can't and don't want to do. 

When I told a friend yesterday that I'm going into it looking at it as a sort of training session, he said it killed romance and wasn't a healthy way to go into a relationship. That may be the case. But I simply know that I'm not at the point where I can be with the kind of partner that would truly complement me. So as long as both people are aware that forever is not an option, I believe it's completely fair to engage in such a stepping stone relationship. 

In German, there is a perfect word for this: Lebensabschnittsgefährte - life stage companion. You walk some of life's path together until you get to a crossroad and find your own way. I like this so much! Yes, this means you're ultimately on your own but also it allows for continuous development! 

🙄 I'm romantic with the door greeters at the grocery store, romance is an essence you convey it's not something that does or doesn't happen because of a structured commitment, I would say the extreme opposite has just as much potential, a free mind allowed to play tends to play.

So, what are you thoughts now?
What are you still struggling with?

[jinxed]

5 hours ago, anotherusername said:

So, what are you thoughts now?
What are you still struggling with?

I don't think I'm struggling with anything right now. On the contrary. Now that I've made clear what it is I'm hoping to get out of a renewed connection, it's such an easy ride. For others this might be something very basic, but for the first time, I confidently asked for an STD test to be done before we engage further. In our interactions, I am so much more confident, it's really surprising. I look forward to being intimate, but also I'm looking forward to first getting to know him. I will not engage in sexual activities before everything within me feels ready for it, I've promised myself and my body this. And that I need to wait for two weeks for the results of my own tests is very helpful, I'll admit that! Again, for others this might be the norm, for me it's a first. 

Plus, I'm learning that seeing his reactions to my prerequisites and boundaries tell me more about him than three years of a turbulent on/off thingy have done. He really seems like a good guy. So yeah, for now: no struggles, just new and good experiences. 

[an****]

3 hours ago, jinxed said:

I don't think I'm struggling with anything right now. On the contrary. Now that I've made clear what it is I'm hoping to get out of a renewed connection, it's such an easy ride. For others this might be something very basic, but for the first time, I confidently asked for an STD test to be done before we engage further. In our interactions, I am so much more confident, it's really surprising. I look forward to being intimate, but also I'm looking forward to first getting to know him. I will not engage in sexual activities before everything within me feels ready for it, I've promised myself and my body this. And that I need to wait for two weeks for the results of my own tests is very helpful, I'll admit that! Again, for others this might be the norm, for me it's a first. 

Plus, I'm learning that seeing his reactions to my prerequisites and boundaries tell me more about him than three years of a turbulent on/off thingy have done. He really seems like a good guy. So yeah, for now: no struggles, just new and good experiences. 

I encourage you to be together as much as possible during your abstinence and be as affectionate and *** and romantic as you can be to each other. I have a strict no boinking for at least a week and a few dates policy myself, but I don't have anything against non-sexual intimacy and it's a real good way to get to know someone. Two weeks without seeing each other isn't going to build the same tension 🥵😫🤣 I am happy for you.