Need some advice

[Ga****]

I'm really confused with what I want (gimme a sec this will make sense..... hopefully)

I know I'm a Dom, and I like dealing out ***, but I feel guilty for doing so and (even if I had a partner that said that it was fine and they wanted it harder, I'd feel conflicted whether to do so)

Any tips or help for a relative newbie to this?

[th****]

Not all doms get off on ***, you don’t have to not feel guilty. It’s respectable that you feel that way, my hat off to you for coming out and saying it.

[Deleted Member]

I’m in the same situation sometimes

[Je****]

If you feel guilty then you need to stop and communicate. find out what your partner wants/needs and let them know your feeings on this. do not do anything you are uncomfrtable with and if extreme impact play is not for you, then do not step out of your boundry for anyone/thing.
see if you can come to a compromise, maybe bring in an additional dom/me to perhaps create this form of play for your sub, while you over see it.

but i will add if they are asking for it and are comfortable and feel safe under your hand/care, then you need to trust that they want and feel safe you inflicting this. if you are able to do this for them and the only thing is the guilt stopping you, then all you need is reassurance from a chat from them.
wishing you luck

[Dr****]

There are several different types of Dom/ Domme
You could also be a soft Dom
Dominant could be anything from being worshiped, (foot, pussy, financial or other type of worship)
There are also types of Dom/Domme that cares for others and sets rules
You could be into punishment or praise
If impact not your thing, sensation play, electro play, or edging or many other types of domination
It doesn't always involve ***
Could be full of pleasure
The trick is try different things to you find what you like and lean towards that type of domination.

[RimtuTiTuki]

From what i understood you actually enjoy inflicting ***. If you are new at this it can be hard to decide where the limit is for you and your partner boath. As long as you keep in mind that you are doing whatever you are doing to get pleasure out of it and not because you must you should be ok.

For me the rule of the thumb is going as far as you feel comfortable with and stop when you are not enjoying what you are doing. If your partner asks for more that is ok but you don't want to engage in things that don't make you feel good.

I don't say that you should stop on the first guilty tought, on the contrary you should always step a bit out of your comfort zone if it gives pleasure to your partner. This is how you grow and expand your limits. There is always a next session where you can go a bit further.

Don't be affraid or embaresed to tell your partner that you don't feel like going further today but also let them know that you are willing to push the limit a bit more next time if it is pleasurable for her/him.

Also if partner insists make sure to remind them that you are both doing this to enjoy yourselves and I don't think feeling bad afterwards is something you enjoy very much. There will come a point where you will reach your hard limit. Wether it is at mild spanking or at heavy *** or extreme impact play is irelevant but you will feel where it is once you reach it. There are so many aspects of BDSM and so many enjoyable things you can do why *** something one of you doesn't feel good about.

If you reach your limit and partner still wants more suggest a different type of play like bondage, breath play, wax or even tickling that you can combine with *** infliction and might just do the trick for both of you.

I could go on but I already wrote quite a text and think you got my point. To sum it up you both want to feel great and satisfied aftet the session and should cross a bit into the awkward but don't drift to bad.

[Pl****]

I typically don't do *** stuff, and I don't get anything out inflicting ***, but if my partner likes something, I'll usually try to explore it. While I don't exactly feel guilty about inflicting *** when it's desired, in the moment, there is some internal conflict with my inclination not to hurt people which takes some time to resolve, and in my experience, the way to resolve that was to:

• Start slow and build up to where you want to be with a partner. Not only does this let you gain valuable experience, but it should also gradually build your tolerance.
• If possible, talk to your partner about being more expressive about their enjoyment. It's definitely a lot easier for me to inflict *** on someone who clearly likes it than on someone who looks miserable during the act.
• Take time to make sure they're in a good place afterwards (aftercare) and talk to them about the experience. The more you understand that it's a positive experience for your partner, the less guilt you should feel. And if it wasn't a positive experience for your partner, that's something that needs to be addressed.

[qu****]

I have heard from experienced Doms who felt the same early on in their lives, they all said they learnt to embrace this conflict as a type of safety valve telling them when enough is enough, it kind of makes sense, but as some have suggested it may be your way of subconsciously knowing your own limits, hope this makes sense just trying to put it simply

[qu****]

And don't forget subspace and subdrop can affect a sub, but you can also have domspace and domdrop, oddly usually just touched upon, you release the same chemicals and endorphins as your sub, just achieved from different actions, and aftercare is as important for a Dom as a sub, and no, it doesn't make you less of a Dom, if anything makes you a better dom

[qu****]

Looks the gliche is back sort it out site, it's ridiculous, you'll end up putting people off posting things as you never know who put up the op

[Deleted Member]

It's pretty common from my experience to feel like this, and I've been the same at times. There can be many reasons, but the two I identified as the main ones in my case were a religious upbringing, and the fact I was raised to inherently believe a man's main role Is to protect, not hurt. It for me is social conditioning as we are raised, something as you gain experience you will work through, and hopefully in time find peace with.

[Deleted Member]

You've said you're a relative newbie and I think this is really important. Few amongst us haven't felt guilty and uncomfortable about our desires. It's a journey and there will be times when it's hard to accept what you enjoy. I enjoy receiving *** and it's taken me a few years to be able to admit it to myself. To accept it. It's not something you can rush. There's lots of good advice here. I found that conversations, reading and reflection helped me most. It used to be I couldn't even fantasise about what I'd like done to me. Now I can ask and receive ***. Don't rush the journey.

[SophieSubSlut11]

Liked everyone has said, this can be really common especially without experience. Some people never really get good at it in my experience and that’s also okay. But taking to your partners about the power exchange and the dynamic between you both may help overcome this. If you truly understood why it’s a want/need/desire for them then you may be able to push through and break that boundary. Keep trying to understand the reasons for it and you may be able to separate it from the action x

[Ce****]

Hi, thank you for posting this. It is an important point to raise and discuss. As you can see from other comments you are not alone feeling like this and is a natural response.

For me it was a mix of society, upbringing and shaming (in past) that initially caused my guilt to manifest. It felt like I had 2 sides to me fighting each other. To reiterate its not wrong to enjoy your sadistic side with a consenting partner (what ever level you feel comfortable with) or the guilt you are feeling. It’s more how you deal with those feelings and accepting all sides of you. When I have a Dom drop it can cause me to over think and make things worse. Aftercare for yourself is important to consider. My natural response is to protect my sub and make sure they have good after care. In beginning I didn’t consider that I needed after care. Think about what would help you after a scene as well.

Communication before and after, taking things at your s***d and adding to it with each scene or play session helps a lot.

This ending up being longer than I intended. In short you are not alone feeling the way you do and you are doing the right thing opening up and discussing it.

[cferiggl]

Oh I get this too. Just focus on aftercare. It feels better if you can make up for hurting them once you’re done.

[ey****]

23 hours ago, GandalfTheLanky said:

I know I'm a Dom, and I like dealing out ***, but I feel guilty for doing so and (even if I had a partner that said that it was fine and they wanted it harder, I'd feel conflicted whether to do so)

This is natural sometimes.  This can be part of Dominant drop - because a lot of what we do goes against what we know is acceptable.  For example, hitting women.  Using insulting name.  Hell - I once pulled a knife on someone and pushed my erection into them as a kinda threat... and... I felt f****** awful afterwards

Because it can be scary getting off on that.  This is a natural part of the process.  You have to kinda come to terms with this over time that you enjoy it in a consensual environment,  the person on the receiving end is the same, and you would never do it outside of a consensual environment.  

[Deleted Member]

Ok, so if I may, I've been mulling this last couple of days. 

A couple of years ago I wrote a thread called "sadism with a gentle soul" as I, like you were extremely confused, and were for many years before that. How could i be tactile, gentle, attentive in one moment, and something completely different the next? The answers I received were helpful, even the negative ones. That's when I discovered the title "caring sadist" and it instantly opened up another pathway in my mind.

 

I personally dont like to hurt for the sake of it, for my actual pleasure, but one of those replies stood out amongst them all, and Instantly made complete sense. It went along the lines of "to hit and receive a negative reaction, well, it's not so cool, but to hit and receive a positive reaction Well that's cool as f*ck."

 

For me when I am a little sadistic,  it does very little, the actual physicallity of it,  but if I know with zero doubt its who she is, what she needs/craves/wants, its who she is, it all becomes about her reaction...... and that is indeed cool as f*ck 😊. Its the knowing that counts, knowing totally that's who she is, and that helped bring peace and clarity.

[za****]

Sammme I always feel so bad and feel like I’m being too much and then get told I can be more rough lol

I’m getting better but for me it’s just taken time to get used to the dynamic, I haven’t found any particular advice that helped, I just am getting accustomed to the idea that my partner likes it and it’s okay to do it. I don’t personally get off on it except for knowing my partner enjoys it.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

Ok, so if I may, I've been mulling this last couple of days. 

A couple of years ago I wrote a thread called "sadism with a gentle soul" as I, like you were extremely confused, and were for many years before that. How could i be tactile, gentle, attentive in one moment, and something completely different the next? The answers I received were helpful, even the negative ones. That's when I discovered the title "caring sadist" and it instantly opened up another pathway in my mind.

 

I personally dont like to hurt for the sake of it, for my actual pleasure, but one of those replies stood out amongst them all, and Instantly made complete sense. It went along the lines of "to hit and receive a negative reaction, well, it's not so cool, but to hit and receive a positive reaction Well that's cool as f*ck."

 

For me when I am a little sadistic,  it does very little, the actual physicallity of it,  but if I know with zero doubt its who she is, what she needs/craves/wants, its who she is, it all becomes about her reaction...... and that is indeed cool as f*ck 😊. Its the knowing that counts, knowing totally that's who she is, and that helped bring peace and clarity.

The Loving Dominant and Sadism ans Masochism - The psychology of hatred and Cruelty are good reads for anyone exploring their darker side too. Thabks DonnyKinkster, I'll go check this one out when I can find it.

[ad****]

No one who deals out *** in an unconscionable manner ever worries about this. You worrying about this just reassured us all that you’re responsible and trustworthy to let the sub determine how much *** is too much and that is worthy of complimenting in my opinion

[4e****]

Being a dom doesn't necessarily mean giving ***. This life's is about control...the control you exert over another person who is giving it up to you willingly. If you are conflicted, maybe you should reevaluate yourself. Could it be that you are afraid to lose control?

[Ch****]

Find a good masochist, and she/he will tell you how much they can take. Your options are unlimited, except what your partner wants! If it is a new person, you just have to seek out, and analyze what they want!

[de****]

Perhaps you are just not into impact play. It is not necessary. Select a submissive who is not into impact play either.

You are into control, your submissive is into giving up control. Figure out what works for you and your submissive. Explore what you two may be into. Are there positions or toys with which you two would like to explore? Maybe you two would enjoy shibari.

The point is that just because you are a Dominant, does not mean that you must inflict ***. That’s not where the control comes from.