New to being a female Dom at a slave/sub request to be owned.

[Witchywoman]

Hi,
Recently, I was asked to be a Dom for a male who defines himself as a slave or as being owned by me when I said that we would see how it goes, because I understand it to be a mutual relationship where both parties have their needs met within the roles they have. However, it appears to be more about the slave than it is about the mistress.

I have only ever been a paid voyeur for a Mistress within a private practice. Within this, the Dom was paid for her time and experience, as was I for my limited role.

I understand that it is different when there is a mutually beneficial relationship. Still, I am struggling to understand how I, as a mistress, am benefiting from the relationship as it currently is, and I suspect it is because it is not only I who is inexperienced in this role, but I suspect that he is too.

Initially, he wanted a contract, whereas I wanted to make sure I was comfortable meeting his expectations and that I could take on owning another person.

Interestingly, I am messaged from morning through the day until the night/bedtime by my slave. This appears to be quite a lot of contact.

He has a vanilla partner, and I am recently single. There is no sex involved.

I would appreciate advice from those who have had experience in this area to ensure that I understand how this type of relationship works.

[Dragoon25]

Honestly, it sounds like being in this role is a little intimidating due to this specific person not making fun the way it is intended for you. If you are uncomfortable speak your mind, your opinion matters. Plus being a Dominant is to be in control. Crack the whip and tell them there needs to be boundaries and you message first. Make them beg for your attention and forgiveness. I know you have it in you. You got this .. if you need help, I’m a message away.

[Mp****]

Quite honestly: start with the basics of D/s: clear boundaries, layer on guidelines and rules, and sprinkle with power exchange and discover what _you_ find interesting. There’s quite the gap between discovery and going in a seemingly undefined Mistress/slave relationship. Start at the beginning. The rest can come later.

[Ba****]

My experience:
✨15 years in the BDSM lifestyle
✨ I am a presenter and host of events at National parties.
✨ I am in a successful D/s dynamic where I am the dominant.

My view on what D/s should look like:
Any relationship, especially those in the BDSM lifestyle require communication and respect. This includes understanding your own desires and boundaries as well as those of your partner. Many people will claim to be submissives and then treat you like a vend-a-Domme who is made to dispense their fantasies. This isn’t a healthy picture of D/s.

My Advice:
~ Attend every class and workshop you can attend. There are online classes that are live or completely virtual. You can research online and read books. Learn as much as you can so you can see what type of dynamic interests you and learn more about consent, safe, sane, and consensual, and so much more.
~ Write down your boundaries, limits, desires, and everything you want in a D/s dynamic and a relationship. What is your boundary when it comes to communication? When do you need a break from communication? Do you need days or times to yourself when you are unavailable? What are you hard limits that you won’t budge on? What are your soft limits that you might negotiate in the right environment? What do you want? What benefits do you desire? This matters a great deal. Just as we serve them with our care and dominance, they serve us with their submission.
~ Do you feel respected by him? What does respect look like to you?
~ Ownership is huge. I am a key holder and my submissive wears my training collar. This took 8 months of dating and he asked me to be his girlfriend 3 months ago and some would still consider this early to have a collar. Though a training collar is less serious than other collars, it is nonetheless and it is an honor for both of us that he wears my training collar. Ownership is a commitment between both of you to add to each others’ lives consensually.

[10inch_Switch]

He’s supposed to play by your rules. He’s not allowed to ask/tell you to fulfill his wants/needs. That’s not how it works. At most, he can tell you his limits. The rest of what happens is up to you. He’s not in control, you are. It’s All about you.
One of the most important aspects of the dynamic is that you need to make sure you actually want to do/enjoy doing this. It shouldn’t feel like a job or responsibility etc. if it’s not bringing you joy or satisfying you in some way, end that shit.

In summary…. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. There’s no obligation on your end.

Hope this helps a bit.

[Da****]

^the comment above hit the nail on the head ill be real

[Ba****]

He is allowed to ask you to fulfill his wants and needs just as you are allowed to ask or tell him to fulfill your needs. Consent, communication, and safety are the most important components of BDSM. Though he is supposed to play by your rules, what happens is up to both of you.

[Witchywoman]

52 minutes ago, Dragoon25 said:

Honestly, it sounds like being in this role is a little intimidating due to this specific person not making fun the way it is intended for you. If you are uncomfortable speak your mind, your opinion matters. Plus being a Dominant is to be in control. Crack the whip and tell them there needs to be boundaries and you message first. Make them beg for your attention and forgiveness. I know you have it in you. You got this .. if you need help, I’m a message away.

Thank you.
Yes, there appears to be a lack of discipline/obedience, and I do suspect that I will need to crack the whip to ensure the boundaries are adhered to, as my slave appears to want to move the boundaries after setting them because his body has reacted more than he expected it to. To do so would be to breach the boundary we agreed to in the first place.

I am getting used to the idea of cuffing, gagging, and blindfolding him and then driving him around town while he is in the boot of my car, but I draw the line at having to explain to a police officer what he is doing there if I am pulled over and they ask to look in the boot. I could imagine our local paper headlines now. lol
Local 6 ft 4 man is found gagged, cuffed, blindfolded, and dressed up in the boot of a woman's car. Police say they stopped a ***ing in progress.

The morning I met my slave, I woke up and had the thought go through my mind to turn my spare room into a dungeon and to be a dominatrix. I dismissed it and didn't expect to be asked to be exactly this before the day was over.

Yes, it is a little intimidating, but I can see that he is starting to embrace his kinks and fetishes while beginning to accept himself and the aspects that he ***s judgement for.
Witnessing this makes me smile, and it pleases me.

[Zis]

Sounds like "topping from the bottom".
You control the situation and hold the room for the dynamic to grow.

[Ch****]

My advice is to take classes and find reading materials that speak to you. Prescribe reading materials for him, too. If you read the same thing then you can discuss it afterwards. Slow him down and reward his efforts in ways that are meaningful to him.
Feel free to DM me, I can help you further if you so desire.

[Deleted Member]

It seems like being a Domme (female form of the word Dom) isn’t for you. You’re not getting fulfillment from it because you’re not enjoying it. My suggestion is to bow out of this relationship.

[Ex****]

run

[de****]

Would love to share a conversation about all of the different aspects of our reality

[Pa****]

Honestly, it sounds to me like this just isn’t your kink. For some, the power exchange itself is what you “get” out of it. Your post reads more like you’re looking for something more transactional, which is ok, just not what this looks like.

If you “own” another person, you can have them clean your house, do your laundry, cook you dinner. You then can if you choose, reward them or punish them.

You should first look inside yourself then have a discussion on their limits and what you expect from them. Tell them what you expect.

[ey****]

9 hours ago, Witchywoman said:

Still, I am struggling to understand how I, as a mistress, am benefiting from the relationship as it currently is, and I suspect it is because it is not only I who is inexperienced in this role, but I suspect that he is too.

This is a big problem which happens a lot.   I am not saying the sub is in the wrong, but certainly it feels like his view/outlook is coming from the wrong place

So, a lot of guys who consider themselves to be submissive had their own kinda of image they project onto the Dominant.  Experienced Dominants might simply refuse to engage because they can see what is happening - but every now and then there's someone who wants to give it a go, likes the idea in principle so on - and very soon get into and find they're not enjoying it.

And the reason they're not enjoying it isn't necessarily cos Dominantion isn't for them, but that they're living out someone else's Domination fantasies rather than exploring what it means to them.

[ey****]

23 minutes ago, PacificRestraint said:

If you “own” another person, you can have them clean your house, do your laundry, cook you dinner. You then can if you choose, reward them or punish them.

That is not ownership

That is the basic minimum on helping run a household. 

[Pa****]

You don’t get to decide what two people call it. You’re not the gate keeper.

[guppy400]

If you are not getting anything out of it, you don't sound in charge. What do you want if you are in charge? Set limits, boundaries (" one call a day, 5 minutes, make it count...; or "you don't call me, I call you. Now hang up!)

[Deleted Member]

He needs to pay you.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, PacificRestraint said:

You don’t get to decide what two people call it. You’re not the gate keeper.

I'm not, no - but this is a common problem that often happens in scenarios like this.

The first issue is that it equates housework as being "womans work" or "submissive" like the guy is somehow doing a great service by doing their fair share of housework.   Obviously, of course, exceptions apply and so if for example someone comes over once or twice a week to do a deep clean, or gardening, or whatever then it is slightly different - but it does tie in with the next issue

Obviously punishment is a common trope in kink, but it's something which can be exhausting.  So this guy comes over, does a sloppy job of cleaning the house - the house STILL needs to be clean, so it's been of no real assistance AND the Domme now has to also take time to not only do the cleaning, but also punish him.

And honestly, this is the exact type of problem folk like the OP wind up into when they find it is not enjoyable for them.  

I guess perhaps, like, if someone hired a cook/cleaner/gardener/etc and they did a poor job they simply don't get invited back. And perhaps that is the best incentive.... OK, I own you, come round do these things for me - if you do a bad job, lose my number.  If you do a good job you can come again next time. 

[ey****]

I guess also re-reading the OP

Without wishing to be accused of being a gatekeeper again    Ownership was typically something that was built up towards over a long period of time - some would call it "earned" but then in reality, relationships like this take a long time to build with a lot of trial and error on what works for each of you, and what doesn't.

There is a kinda issue that (speaking entirely from a F/m perspective) is there are a lot of those who are m who like the fantasy/idea of ownership without wishing to go through the time and effort required to build and maintain a relationship : likewise there are some who are F who think they have to own a sub and again might rush to offer or own someone - in either case it often leads to a lot of burnout and one or both left wondering how this arrangement actually benefits them - and 'benefits' can simply being enjoying the dynamic they have with that person.  So if the dynamic or person is wrong, it won't be enjoyable.

If the partner of the OP has a vanilla partner, my question has to be if this v.partner is aware of the arrangement. If she is not it is cheating, regardless of if there is sex involved or not (because if she was ok with it, why isn't she aware?!) especially as someone is effectively pledging they are owned by another person (a scenario not impossible in 'ethical' non-monogamy - but his partner not being aware means it wouldn't be 'ethical') and so it feels like he has a lovely vanilla partner, but has fantasies about "being owned" so is texting you behind her back as means to get off.   This is a big reason why the OP is not getting enjoyment, she is being used.

This is not an uncommon set up with some of the whole "online domination" but the difference there is he would be paying someone for access and it certainly would't be unlimited texts unless for a premium price.  He doesn't want ownership, he wants the fantasy of being owned, and so OP - yeah, if you're enjoying this it's time to close the lid because it's not going to get any better.