Appropriate ways to begin a conversation with an s type

[Cu****]

On the back of the previous topic on conversation starters, i felt it would be a good opportunity to educate newbies and others on appropriate ways to approach s types. Specifically. 

 

a) good conversation openers

b) how to grab interest and keep it

c) when to and how to talk kink preferences

d) respecting limits not fobbing them off

e) introducing titles

f) making the s type want to talk more

[Deleted Member]

Literally say hello, use some humour, ask me about my profile/myself as an actual human being!
Don't focus on my pics or kinks, don't ask a question which is answered on my profile unless to clarify. Don't expect anything of me in terms of acts/honorifics or anything kinky
Talk to me with the respect (hopefully) you do with a friend or family member
Its really not that hard?

[Deleted Member]

I think one more important thing to add is this. If they are not interested/you are not their type then accept that. DO NOT start with the trying to change their mind/countless mails/getting obnoxious...it says more about you than it does them, and you come over as a complete knob. Just sayin :)

[Deleted Member]

Also, maybe start polite communication on posts/pics, out where others can see the interaction before hitting the messages, thats where things go a bit pear shaped, particularly for those who aren't here for the right reasons
And also, my spelling isn't always the best but proofread before you hit send, that may be a bit picky?

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Whosethatgirl said:

Also, maybe start polite communication on posts/pics, out where others can see the interaction before hitting the messages, thats where things go a bit pear shaped, particularly for those who aren't here for the right reasons
And also, my spelling isn't always the best but proofread before you hit send, that may be a bit picky?

Being a writer and a grammar nazi does have its drawbacks  but remember not everyone can see you have sent a spank etc, so I agree that a polite comment on a pic is always a good start. If they are into you they will let you know, if not then it shows they lack good taste  just kiddin x

[Deleted Member]

I really dislike the FET ice breakers ... So maybe don't start with them 🤣 I like a simple hello, no subby pet names and whatever, and a comment about why they chose to message me. Something that shows they aren't working their way down a list of boobs lol and maybe a tiny something about them. I like friendly and congenial, funny can be good too. Don't try to get sexy right off the bat (really, I'm not looking to get sexy at all, but you never know)

[qu****]

I've never understood the icebreaker thing, and, even worse when you send a like or spank an automated message is sent as well, why? In most cases a like or spank is sent because you like someone's profile, then dependant on the result you choose to send a personal message, from my experience most don't like recieving a generic automated response and in a lot of cases are put off

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

I've never understood the icebreaker thing, and, even worse when you send a like or spank an automated message is sent as well, why? In most cases a like or spank is sent because you like someone's profile, then dependant on the result you choose to send a personal message, from my experience most don't like recieving a generic automated response and in a lot of cases are put off

I can't even see who spanked me so its pretty fruitless and probably comes off as me being rude/ignorant

[qu****]

Usually I can't either, but if I receive notification of being viewed and spanked or liked at the same time it's a good indicator it's from the same person

[Cu****]

Big no no is unsolicited pics. I dont like it if someone sends me a pic, be it of their face, body or parts, if im talking to you ive bothered to check out your profile first.  This means ive looked at your pics. 

[Deleted Member]

If you need an icebreaker to start a conversation, stop right away. For a D type, the most important thing is to dive into the s type mindset. Ideally, he should find out why the s type thinks the way he/she thinks, what these thoughts are based on, how he/she gets certain information and whether this has been verified, and why the s type doesn't want something, or eg or how a session went for the s type and if anything can be changed/improved. Exactly the same applies to the s type.

The principle is called open minded, purposeful and conscious communication.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Curvygirl1 said:

Big no no is unsolicited pics. I dont like it if someone sends me a pic, be it of their face, body or parts, if im talking to you ive bothered to check out your profile first.  This means ive looked at your pics. 

I have someone message me a while back with a picture, and I thought oh God it's a dick. Turns out it was a really nice smiley selfie. I can understand perhaps not wanting to have your face on your profile, and sending it in an initial message, which did come with quite a cheery hello, wasn't objectionable. But other party parts.. no thank you

[Deleted Member]

Tall like a human being to begin, not some ravenous sex beast. Be polite, show respect and slowly try to build a little trust. Everything else should follow on from that, if there is mutual interest. If there is not it becomes obvious within a few messages, then bow out gracefully rather than flogging a dead sheep. It's really not that difficult, and the rules that are applied in vanilla are pretty much the same. Sadly however I think many go wrong, believing basic human decency no longer applies.

[Deleted Member]

Love this post!! There’s a few comments on here I really agree with, the no pics is a big one. If it’s not requested, don’t send it. Also TheScribe, you’re spot on with your first comment and about accepting when someone’s not interested, it’s really irritating when you’ve politely declined someone’s attention and they carry on messaging and asking questions. The fet icebreakers don’t make sense to anyone do they? 😂😂 I definitely wouldn’t reply to most of them anyway. I find a genuine conversation initially is the only thing that interests me. I want to know who you are, not just what kinks you have.

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 02:12 PM, Lady_Char said:

I really dislike the FET ice breakers ... So maybe don't start with them 🤣 I like a simple hello, no subby pet names and whatever, and a comment about why they chose to message me. Something that shows they aren't working their way down a list of boobs lol and maybe a tiny something about them. I like friendly and congenial, funny can be good too. Don't try to get sexy right off the bat (really, I'm not looking to get sexy at all, but you never know)

You say that - they are so easy to click on and send without meaning too. It's happened only twice but quickly lead me to screaming at my own thumbs in disbelief. Surprisingly, the other person responded.
Turns out, describing yourself in 5 imojis is a good conversation starter.

[Chief-7525]

No-one wants conversation with people who are not a full or premium member..... I don't want pay premium membership..... The algorithm without premium is not working.... I am polite and person with normal behavior but algorithm don't recognize those values 😉

[AKA_Copper]

There are some good comments, to add...
Don't try to be smooth, be authentic. You'll come across a lot better
Be creative, give compliments about what makes them unique to you. 'This means actually reading their bio! You're pretty' or 'you're hot' etc is nice but don't make it all about physical appearances
Don't add modifiers eg 'for your age' or 'for your size' etc
Try not to just say 'hi' etc, end with a question, it's more likely to get a response

[Taramafor]

On 8/31/2021 at 1:21 PM, TheScribe said:

I think one more important thing to add is this. If they are not interested/you are not their type then accept that. DO NOT start with the trying to change their mind/countless mails/getting obnoxious...it says more about you than it does them, and you come over as a complete knob. Just sayin

I've gotten people that weren't interested to get interested. If you don't try to change someones mind then you didn't try to get results.

Better to do it with in the moment talking though (as opposed to mail). But if options are limited when there's misunderstandings then options are limited. Can you handle the truth or not? Two important questions can change things (often only one is needed).

1: "What don't you know?"

2: "What if you're wrong?"

When I employ these (and other) tactics, I get someone telling me they're not interested to get interested. When they wanted nothing to do with a sub, I explain "me". Suddenly being degraded turned into working things out and them having fun with me. And more then mere instant gratification too.

Still think people shouldn't try to change their mind? The lack of attempt only garuntees faliure.

Edited September 8, 2021 by Taramafor

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Taramafor said:

I've gotten people that weren't interested to get interested. If you don't try to change someones mind then you didn't try to get results.

Better to do it with in the moment talking though (as opposed to mail).

I think there's a difference in context and we're (largely) talking online.  If you're in a bar, at a munch, wherever and talking to someone who might not fully understand - but is still happy to continue the conversation then, hey, new information might change their perspective.  

But I think there is also a very big line between 'persuasion' and '***' and it's really important not to fall into a situation where someone is just saying 'yes' so that you'll shut up or leave them alone.  Because, well, consent through *** isn't consent.

It's also really important that then a first vibe you give off is not taking 'no' for an answer and that in itself can be a bit of a flag - so it's important to be sure you're acting in good faith.

But online in particular - the other person can see the message you sent where you could use as few or as many words as you liked.  They can see a profile you have full control of making.  They can see post history.  There's a lot more that can go off.  

You already had the tools to begin communication.

[AKA_Copper]

53 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think there's a difference in context and we're (largely) talking online.  If you're in a bar, at a munch, wherever and talking to someone who might not fully understand - but is still happy to continue the conversation then, hey, new information might change their perspective.  

But I think there is also a very big line between 'persuasion' and '***' and it's really important not to fall into a situation where someone is just saying 'yes' so that you'll shut up or leave them alone.  Because, well, consent through *** isn't consent.

It's also really important that then a first vibe you give off is not taking 'no' for an answer and that in itself can be a bit of a flag - so it's important to be sure you're acting in good faith.

But online in particular - the other person can see the message you sent where you could use as few or as many words as you liked.  They can see a profile you have full control of making.  They can see post history.  There's a lot more that can go off.  

You already had the tools to begin communication.

And theres another difference in terms of someone saying 'yes' because they either don't know any different or because their experiencing sub frenzy.
The other thing to be aware of, online its difficult to gauge context and tone

[ey****]

4 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

And theres another difference in terms of someone saying 'yes' because they either don't know any different or because their experiencing sub frenzy.
The other thing to be aware of, online its difficult to gauge context and tone

Sub Frenzy can be a big one

You catch someone at the wrong time and it can even be a "do you want to play some time?" or "next time we could take things further..." and the reply be a "Yes!" and then later on, outside the subfrenzy, fuck, actually it's a "no", but you already said "yes" and I *** some people then go through with with things because they previously said yes.

In this case, it's not necessarily the Dominants fault - but something where I think it's very important to consider that consent levels can change at any time and the other person needs to understand this.

[Taramafor]

16 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think there's a difference in context and we're (largely) talking online.  If you're in a bar, at a munch, wherever and talking to someone who might not fully understand - but is still happy to continue the conversation then, hey, new information might change their perspective.  

But I think there is also a very big line between 'persuasion' and '***' and it's really important not to fall into a situation where someone is just saying 'yes' so that you'll shut up or leave them alone.  Because, well, consent through *** isn't consent.

It's also really important that then a first vibe you give off is not taking 'no' for an answer and that in itself can be a bit of a flag - so it's important to be sure you're acting in good faith.

But online in particular - the other person can see the message you sent where you could use as few or as many words as you liked.  They can see a profile you have full control of making.  They can see post history.  There's a lot more that can go off.  

You already had the tools to begin communication.

What I described is online. Location is moot. It's more about if there's others around that can "interject" on you (eg: munches). Online (1 on 1 chats at least) works around that. But yes, new information. Convincing. Exactly. My one winning argument has always been "What don't you know?" Leading to other topics to fit the current situation. Which will of course vary.

I convince people by literary admitting I'm an idiot and getting them to realise they're one. Hahahahaa. Unless they're not assuming the worst and are always positive and upbeat. Do know one person like that. But let's be realistic about this and cover people that have concerns. the problem is, in a word, assumptions.

I'm aware of people "giving in blindly". There's only one person I know of that's at risk of doing that. So I have to keep on top of it. Saying yes can be just as harmful as saying no. But you won't SEE the results of when people say no because you can't read peoples minds (or stick around to see how they're affected, probably). I always make sure people can say "what" and "why". Proof. Evidence. "Both eyes open." Knowing that we're forming agreements and that they're choosing it. Wherever it's to shut me up? Well, at first maybe. But the whole point is to focus on fun things. Shutting up helps with that. Makes focusing on playing and fun easier. And we all want that. XD

As for "no", I do not take that as an answer at times. Not when I'm not understood. Saying no to me? When you don't even know how I do the things I do or why? Logically you do not know enough to know either way. That's going to lead to some "me" talks (as opposed to whatever projection or label is being tossed on me without consent). Worked things out. Did things. I had fun. They had fun. Both happy (and honest). Ends justify the means.

The funny thing is that person said I amused then even in misunderstandings. If they're hooked and figuring me out then I don't even mind if I'm being degraded. They're trying to understand. And are amused. That's my first imperssion in that situation. I even surprised myself. And they surprised me. In their own words it was "comical".

As for tools and communication, people often don't know. And this is important to keep in mind. People like they THINK they know. They often SAY they know. But challenge someone enough and they end up saying they don't know (or at least having to admit there's room for doubt). I need to hear a REASON for why people say what they do. I need to hear the WHY of it.

Example: Someone might make the claim of not liking X sex topic. Or Y setting (Past expreinces. It's what is already known). But in reality did they even consider it at all with an open mind with ME? Reverse logic also applies. It's all about getting someone to even consider that in the first place. To me it's VERY clear on first contact. If I don't see a closed mind it doesn't mean it's not there. But if I see an open one then that's clear enough. I might throw in a test question. Maybe I find someone interesting. Only to get told "Not interested" and then have to change their mind. Which I do. For some reason some people assume that translates to breaking consent and being the worst person ever. I call those people idiots that make assumptions and never asked for the full story. The whole point is to form agreements. And that's only done with quesitons and straight answers.

So, with all that said, the ONLY thing I need to see on ANY contact is if someone ASKS or just judges a book by its cover. The person I mentioned earlier ASKED me. Which is why things went well.

Some other people struggle more with it. And it's... infuriating actually. It's a tool. It's there to be used. But people need reminders and corrections. If people struggle then they struggle. In the end what else can you do other then keep reminding them about asking, understanding and agreements? Oh, straight answers too. For honesty. To make trust.

I think I rambled enough. But yea, what's with people that NEVER ask a SINGLE question? Like, seriously. I mean I get it. Bad habits and shit. But is that really the world we live in? Where people don't try to think, only judge and don't ask? I can talk a lot. But I ASK. Why aren't more people doing more asking if it works things out quicker? On first contact even. That's what I want to know.

Edited September 9, 2021 by Taramafor

[AKA_Copper]

4 hours ago, Taramafor said:

What I described is online. Location is moot. It's more about if there's others around that can "interject" on you (eg: munches). Online (1 on 1 chats at least) works around that. But yes, new information. Convincing. Exactly. My one winning argument has always been "What don't you know?" Leading to other topics to fit the current situation. Which will of course vary.

I convince people by literary admitting I'm an idiot and getting them to realise they're one. Hahahahaa. Unless they're not assuming the worst and are always positive and upbeat. Do know one person like that. But let's be realistic about this and cover people that have concerns. the problem is, in a word, assumptions.

I'm aware of people "giving in blindly". There's only one person I know of that's at risk of doing that. So I have to keep on top of it. Saying yes can be just as harmful as saying no. But you won't SEE the results of when people say no because you can't read peoples minds (or stick around to see how they're affected, probably). I always make sure people can say "what" and "why". Proof. Evidence. "Both eyes open." Knowing that we're forming agreements and that they're choosing it. Wherever it's to shut me up? Well, at first maybe. But the whole point is to focus on fun things. Shutting up helps with that. Makes focusing on playing and fun easier. And we all want that. XD

As for "no", I do not take that as an answer at times. Not when I'm not understood. Saying no to me? When you don't even know how I do the things I do or why? Logically you do not know enough to know either way. That's going to lead to some "me" talks (as opposed to whatever projection or label is being tossed on me without consent). Worked things out. Did things. I had fun. They had fun. Both happy (and honest). Ends justify the means.

The funny thing is that person said I amused then even in misunderstandings. If they're hooked and figuring me out then I don't even mind if I'm being degraded. They're trying to understand. And are amused. That's my first imperssion in that situation. I even surprised myself. And they surprised me. In their own words it was "comical".

As for tools and communication, people often don't know. And this is important to keep in mind. People like they THINK they know. They often SAY they know. But challenge someone enough and they end up saying they don't know (or at least having to admit there's room for doubt). I need to hear a REASON for why people say what they do. I need to hear the WHY of it.

Example: Someone might make the claim of not liking X sex topic. Or Y setting (Past expreinces. It's what is already known). But in reality did they even consider it at all with an open mind with ME? Reverse logic also applies. It's all about getting someone to even consider that in the first place. To me it's VERY clear on first contact. If I don't see a closed mind it doesn't mean it's not there. But if I see an open one then that's clear enough. I might throw in a test question. Maybe I find someone interesting. Only to get told "Not interested" and then have to change their mind. Which I do. For some reason some people assume that translates to breaking consent and being the worst person ever. I call those people idiots that make assumptions and never asked for the full story. The whole point is to form agreements. And that's only done with quesitons and straight answers.

So, with all that said, the ONLY thing I need to see on ANY contact is if someone ASKS or just judges a book by its cover. The person I mentioned earlier ASKED me. Which is why things went well.

Some other people struggle more with it. And it's... infuriating actually. It's a tool. It's there to be used. But people need reminders and corrections. If people struggle then they struggle. In the end what else can you do other then keep reminding them about asking, understanding and agreements? Oh, straight answers too. For honesty. To make trust.

I think I rambled enough. But yea, what's with people that NEVER ask a SINGLE question? Like, seriously. I mean I get it. Bad habits and shit. But is that really the world we live in? Where people don't try to think, only judge and don't ask? I can talk a lot. But I ASK. Why aren't more people doing more asking if it works things out quicker? On first contact even. That's what I want to know.

Let me judge a book by its cover and toss a label on you without your consent - douche canoe, you come across as pretty arrogant.
If i've said i'm not interested, i'm not interested, my mind doesn't need changing, I don't need convincing. If I've said no, I mean no and thats to be respected, not violated and I owe no one an explanation, my why doesn't always need ti be shared.
The thread was about starting appropriate conversations with s types, not how to manipulate them so you get your own way

[TheBookCollector]

7 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Let me judge a book by its cover and toss a label on you without your consent - douche canoe, you come across as pretty arrogant.
If i've said i'm not interested, i'm not interested, my mind doesn't need changing, I don't need convincing. If I've said no, I mean no and thats to be respected, not violated and I owe no one an explanation, my why doesn't always need ti be shared.
The thread was about starting appropriate conversations with s types, not how to manipulate them so you get your own way

Thats a new term i'll have to remember, the word that spang to my mind was cockwomble.

[Deleted Member]

I think you have been very mean to this young chap, my lady, after all, he has taken the opportunity on several threads to point out how clever he is? How can he possibly be wrong? I mean ~rolls eyes~ how can you, a mere submissive, know your own mind? Dear god, you will be wanting the vote next, or equality, and the world will go to hell in a handbasket :P