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Men Want to Feel Desired, Not Just Useful

Do****

By Do****
in Kink Academy

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Do****

Do****

Posted
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There’s something about the phrase “size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it” that has always bothered me.

When a woman is insecure about part of her body, reassurance often sounds like: “Men love all shapes and sizes. You’re beautiful the way you are.”

But when a man is insecure about his penis, the reassurance becomes: “Don’t worry, it’s how you use it.”

Think about what that actually says. One is: your body is desirable as it is. The other is: your body doesn’t matter as long as you can perform well enough for someone else.

Imagine a woman saying she feels insecure about being overweight and a man responding, “That’s okay, as long as you’re really good at sucking d**k.” Nobody would call that reassuring. We’d immediately recognize that he just reduced her value to the sexual service she can provide him.

Men want to feel desired too. We want to hear that our bodies are attractive—not just that our bodies are useful.

Maybe instead of telling men how to compensate, we should get better at telling them: you don’t have to earn desirability through performance. Your body deserves to be desired too.

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Mod edit: Do you feel the same?  What other phrases or words that you hear make you annoyed?

Le****

Le****

Posted

Very true. So often we are treated like we have no feeling or we are d**ks with a body. I like to dominate but that doesnt mean I don't like to be desired or to be told nice things. But that's life
Btw what I don't like so much is not a phrase or word but more like the behavior some people have towards you.

Deleted Member

Posted

Physical touch and quality time are my love languages so I definitely enjoy feeling desired. Touch me in public or in front of friends/family. I love that.

br****

br****

Posted

Thank you for sharing your views on feelimg desired from male perspective. Both of you are absolutely correct. I can relate as a woman. Touch and kind words are so important. Size doesn't matter comment.... men seem to want to say they are not a porn star. For likely most women average is the best. Gspot is only a few inches in... there yah go size does not matter. Truth. Men tend to put themelves down too quickly. Personality, kindness, smiles, eye contact, flirt are huge for most relationships. I totally can relate on when words hurt. Bodies are not perfect. Be kind. You never know what words are said which can impact a person. Thank you both for putting this out there. Be yourself. Do not change. Confidence is the sexiest quality. Flirt n tease with your partners. It does not need to be sexual.

Ro****

Ro****

Posted

Exactly. It is a deeply ingrained societal norm to praise men for their usefulness rather than just validating their bodies. We’ve been taught to view men as tools or providers, so even our attempts at reassurance get reduced to 'performance' rather than actual physical appreciation

Ma****

Ma****

Posted

Damn dude thats a point I don't think anyone has noticed.

Le****

Le****

Posted
8 minuti fa, brightonlady58666 said:

Why can we not see all comments?

Exactly. Mine is disappeared. Or I can't see it now

jo****

jo****

Posted

The difference is that we as men do have to earn desirability because women only care about themselves. If you cant help her situation whatever it be then u are useless to her and she will either walk all over you and suck everything she can out of you before tossing you aside or never notice you at all. As for a little d**k.. well if you cant satisfy her then why would she stay. Im not staying with a girl if she cant make me cum.. thats just common sense.

gr****

gr****

Posted

A lifetime of servitude asked of me across all facets, individuals and institutions all demanding of me the same usefulness of a machine, I reject it.

FETMOD-TF

FETMOD-TF

Posted
16 minutes ago, brightonlady58666 said:

Why can we not see all comments?

 

8 minutes ago, Leo88 said:

Exactly. Mine is disappeared. Or I can't see it now

The kink academy is a moderated forum. Which means all comments posted in this forum will go into a queue and need to be reviewed by a moderator prior to going live to ensure the content remains SFW (safe for work) as per app store requirements.   

Rainydaye88

Rainydaye88

Posted

I think this is accurate. Though from personal experience, I've only ever heard both of those phrases said by men. Sure, I've heard women say that size doesn't matter, but the qualifier statement usually isn't that "its how you use it" but how the guy makes her feel. (He still is attentive and pays attention to what makes them feel uncomfortable, he is sweet to me in a way they haven't felt before) things that usually go deeper than just sex and actually describe being intimate. But I have seen men roll their eyes at that kind of answer so I think we have a way deeper issue of men being socially trained to always be useful or to provide in order to even have access to intimacy when really the toll of intimacy should just be evaluation of the person's character. This should be across all genders.

Ki****

Ki****

Posted

Thanks for putting this out there, I have a micro, about 4 inches but skinny and has a fat pad. Im definitely insecure about it. Beyond even just kinky stuff, I want to know im enough for my future wife.

ta****

ta****

Posted

I get what you're saying but, the male insecurity around d**k size is almost always directly related to performance anxiety. That's why you get that response so readily. However, an insecurity about being over weight is not directly related to performance. Attractiveness is not performance and, receiving a sexual compliment in response to this insecurity just falls flat. ----- That being said, responding to d**k size insecurities with, "it what you do with it that counts", is dismissive in its attempt at saying, "being secure and confident in the ability of your body does more for you than relying on physical talent alone." It also dismisses what the person is feeling because the response assumes this is a performance related insecurity. When it could very well not be. In any case... Every body is different. Every body is beautiful.

ta****

ta****

Posted
14 minutes ago, Gbay86 said:

Women just say this to be nice.

No they don't. Most vagina holders actually prefer average to small-- big ones hurt! And probably take more "skill" to use effectively, without hurting your partner

cy****

cy****

Posted
1 hour ago, tater_tots said:

I get what you're saying but, the male insecurity around d**k size is almost always directly related to performance anxiety. That's why you get that response so readily. However, an insecurity about being over weight is not directly related to performance. Attractiveness is not performance and, receiving a sexual compliment in response to this insecurity just falls flat. ----- That being said, responding to d**k size insecurities with, "it what you do with it that counts", is dismissive in its attempt at saying, "being secure and confident in the ability of your body does more for you than relying on physical talent alone." It also dismisses what the person is feeling because the response assumes this is a performance related insecurity. When it could very well not be. In any case... Every body is different. Every body is beautiful.

Regarding your first point. Not necessarily.perceived dick size figures into all sorts of male self-worth and self esteem issues. There have been more times than I care to count I've heard something to the effect of " he has a small dick - he's less of a man" - I've heard women refer to "tiny dick energy". And you sure as heck won't hear a man touting he's smaller than average, whereas you may hear a woman speaking positively about her body size.

I'm not defending either situation - merely pointing out that men don't hear it just in a performance sort of "situation"

La****

La****

Posted

It's a shit go but I can't see much changing, I'm average/ above average and I haven't received any complaints to my face, make a 4 course meal out of her and she won't be crying about the length of your sword, eat pudding cupa with no spoon and you won't have to worry about fatigue either, can't change whats sewn on you have to adapt and overcome

pr****

pr****

Posted
1 hour ago, tater_tots said:

No they don't. Most vagina holders actually prefer average to small-- big ones hurt! And probably take more "skill" to use effectively, without hurting your partner

Like all thing it varies

pr****

pr****

Posted
4 hours ago, jonniecash said:

The difference is that we as men do have to earn desirability because women only care about themselves. If you cant help her situation whatever it be then u are useless to her and she will either walk all over you and suck everything she can out of you before tossing you aside or never notice you at all. As for a little d**k.. well if you cant satisfy her then why would she stay. Im not staying with a girl if she cant make me cum.. thats just common sense.

Sounds like you're consuming manosphere content

re****

re****

Posted

I understand when you're coming from being an x fat person. I was 350 starting from the age of 5 to when I was
16.
And in my life, I went back to that weight twice, and now I am down to 135 or 45 i never discriminate. May you be big. May you be small
And I know for a fact that I don't have the biggest they're bigger, but because I know
And I keep a secret that my godmother told me too hard. As long as you know how to dance doesn't matter what size you Dick is.
You fuck better and another thing. Any man that brags about how big, how many people he's been with how long he lasts Are the ones who are actually terrible at making love? It's the ones that don't brag, that don't think that it's gay to be in a threesome or anything like that. Are the ones who are actually better in bed me myself? I prefer skinny women only because of what I see in porn. But don't get it wrong. I have helped a lot of big girls lose weight by fucking.

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