Developing kink relationships

[Wo****]

I've seen quite a few posts recently, generally from men, along the lines of "I've been looking for someone to do x, y, z for x amount of time.

One, in particular, that offers payment. (Theyve messaged me offering me £300+ to peg them)

 

WHY???????

 

Kink is an integral part of my relationships but that's the whole point so many people on here miss.... it's a part of my relationships.

People first, kink second.

 

Time and again people are asking "how do I find someone into (insert kink here)".... "where are the genuine people"?

 

I'll tell you where we are.... engaging with members on the forums, chatting in chat, forming relationships. Not hanging around our inboxes waiting to be chosen.

 

Want me to peg you? Want me to humiliate you? Want me to spank you? Get to know me! Me... as a person. Not some kind of kink dispenser.

[qu****]

Is that something like Pez make 🤷

[Wi****]

14 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

I've seen quite a few posts recently, generally from men, along the lines of "I've been looking for someone to do x, y, z for x amount of time.

One, in particular, that offers payment. (Theyve messaged me offering me £300+ to peg them)

 

WHY???????

 

Kink is an integral part of my relationships but that's the whole point so many people on here miss.... it's a part of my relationships.

People first, kink second.

 

Time and again people are asking "how do I find someone into (insert kink here)".... "where are the genuine people"?

 

I'll tell you where we are.... engaging with members on the forums, chatting in chat, forming relationships. Not hanging around our inboxes waiting to be chosen.

 

Want me to peg you? Want me to humiliate you? Want me to spank you? Get to know me! Me... as a person. Not some kind of kink dispenser.

Well said @BountyHunter not enough focus is put on to developing a relationship a bond with some special. Most kink involves opening up you're most inner desires and fantasies which to me means being able to trust my partner 100%

[Wo****]

3 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

Is that something like Pez make 🤷

Lol.....

Flip top head.

Got one of those with @Boldbald

Edited September 10, 2021 by BountyHunter
Added to.

[ge****]

I think part of the problem comes down to the perception of "instant gratification" that the Internet age has given rise to. *Some* people do seem to think that you can get anything on the Internet, and whilst it's true that you can, they have lost sight of the fact that all the other "norms" that go with finding it (like establishing trust and respect, not to mention an element of a relationship if only on a superficial level) have gone out of the window.

Personally I wouldn't want to indulge in any activity without a level of connection and chemistry first. Now I know for some the idea of turning up and getting down to it with complete strangers has a thrill element and I respect that - but usually that's at the more vanilla end of the scale - for anything kink related it's a dangerous path to tread for starters.

[Philip2004]

Loved your comment, "people first, kink second".

[Mz****]

Well said @BountyHunter, of course the ones who need to read it won't, but I hope it feels good saying it out loud anyways.

[ge****]

I'd add to my post above by saying I completely agree with the "get to know me the person" sentiment. Every single kink related experience I have had has been after knowing the person first, and uncovering the kink second - in fact in some instances the person concerned has shown no visible signs that they may have kinks aligned to my own whatsoever - they've become apparent through the "getting to know you" process.

For those looking for instant gratification there is the "professional" route of course and maybe that's the only answer they need to be given.

[MsDrawers]

This is a major issue I have with sites in general, but here in particular for some reason. Some (often identifying as men) seem to be pursuing this one kink, or one fantasy, and endlessly bemoaning peoples failure to drop trou and fulfil it for them. Whether you want life romance, casual play partners or NSA, it's really central to recognise the humanity in your partners. If all you want is some wet holes or penetration or whatever, there are shops for that!

[ge****]

5 minutes ago, MsDrawers said:

This is a major issue I have with sites in general, but here in particular for some reason. Some (often identifying as men) seem to be pursuing this one kink, or one fantasy, and endlessly bemoaning peoples failure to drop trou and fulfil it for them. Whether you want life romance, casual play partners or NSA, it's really central to recognise the humanity in your partners. If all you want is some wet holes or penetration or whatever, there are shops for that!

Having moved here from another more "swinging" related site - it's just as bad there of not worse. I guess the fact that this site caters more to specific kinks rather than sex in general it should be no surprise that it attracts a large number of the type you mention.

I think another problem is people's perception of NSA, which is often taken to literally mean what it says - when actually for a large number that indulge there's still a connection and chemistry element, and it is possible to combine them with NSA.

[VILKDUJA]

That specific example you've stated, I would find, in your position, highly insulting & deeply offensive. They are viewing you as little more than a prostitute, of which there are plenty to be found in their respective places, where he'd be far better looking for what he wants.
Which leads me to what I've seen from some quarters regarding the overall theme of your post. There seems to me to be a significant number of members, mainly men, who completely miss the point of this site & what it is about & the purposes it serves. Indeed, many do not seem to comprehend the very nature of fetishes, kinks, of what it truly is & entails, & the community that goes along with it.
So, for any members reading this thread who have a misguided viewpoint - No, fetish.com is not a hook-up or a dating site. It is for for people who are part of the many aspects of the fetish scene to communicate with each other, exchange thoughts, ideas, experiences & suchlike things. It's a place where you can make acquaintances & form friendships with people who share similar interests & passions. NO - you do not just rock up here expecting this, demanding that. Bounty explained it perfectly about getting to know people, integrating yourself to become part of the community. It's all about the people & personalities. You need to first understand that although it often does play a part, though not always, there is so much more to fetish & kink than sex etc.
Though at least, those who do come here with an attitude showing them to be totally misguided, make it easy for others to identify what they're about & give them a very wide berth.

[Mz****]

7 minutes ago, Sparklehorse said:

So, for any members reading this thread who have a misguided viewpoint - No, fetish.com is not a hook-up or a dating site. It is for for people who are part of the many aspects of the fetish scene to communicate with each other, exchange thoughts, ideas, experiences & suchlike things. It's a place where you can make acquaintances & form friendships with people who share similar interests & passions

I found the site a couple of years ago now, it was sold to me as a dating site.

After signing up of course it's much more than that..but it's also a dating site for a lot of us too, alongside all that other good stuff..and I believe it still is being marketed that way if chatroom conversation with newcomers is any indication..so, although I'm absolutely not defending these inappropriate approaches at all..I can see why some of them may happen..thirsty guys not reading profiles mostly, who think they've signed up for something completely different. 

[MsDrawers]

27 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Having moved here from another more "swinging" related site - it's just as bad there of not worse. I guess the fact that this site caters more to specific kinks rather than sex in general it should be no surprise that it attracts a large number of the type you mention.

I think another problem is people's perception of NSA, which is often taken to literally mean what it says - when actually for a large number that indulge there's still a connection and chemistry element, and it is possible to combine them with NSA.

I'm kinky so swinging isn't part of my experience. It isn't as prominent or consistent an issue on other kink sites, in my experience as a cunt owner. People's definition of NSA may indeed differ aye, but while you're establishing whether or not you share an understanding it would be appreciated, personally, if people didn't come at you like you're a set of holes with legs. 

[ge****]

13 minutes ago, MsDrawers said:

I'm kinky so swinging isn't part of my experience. It isn't as prominent or consistent an issue on other kink sites, in my experience as a cunt owner. People's definition of NSA may indeed differ aye, but while you're establishing whether or not you share an understanding it would be appreciated, personally, if people didn't come at you like you're a set of holes with legs. 

I think that appreciation is probably more than personal to you too - one of the biggest complaints in the swinging community is the number of men that do appear to have the "you're a set of holes on legs" attitude - sadly as someone said earlier the type of bloke that has that view is unlikely to read this thread, or even if he did, is unlikely to change his stance as a result. That said I do take the view if it opens just one person's eyes it's a point worth making.

[ey****]

there is something I've said, which I will keep on saying 

Kink is a long game.  (I'm not sure if 'game' is the right word) there are no shortcuts.

Building trust, rapport, knowledge, experience - is key.  

Then a prospective relationship is more likely.  Then casual or one-off play isn't kink-dispensing it's "playing with a friend" and it can be fun

So many variables.

If you come into someone's inbox demanding a bunch of stuff it is always going to fail.  Learn from it, please. 

[ey****]

2 hours ago, BountyHunter said:

One, in particular, that offers payment. (Theyve messaged me offering me £300+ to peg them)

as a slight further note on this bit specifically

there's an abandoned blog I wrote where I often feel offering *** is a red flag.   (Equally and classified that includes "I'm happy to pay" - so go on AdultWork, or a Domme Directory, or google and find someone to pay - you can get what you seek by the end of the weekend) 

Sometimes it can include an element of manipulation for example offering below going rates for sessions (although - outside London a 2-hour session is £250-£300 in the UK and so even the Mistresses that ask for 90-120 minute minimum bookings for pegging are in budget... the Strap On Party is £150 or £200 or something) to try to play on people's need rather than paying someone who actually offers it 

 

[Phoenyx]

I was wondering if an article on this subject could be posted in this site's "Magazine" section.  It could give new members an idea of what to expect, guidelines of how to present their interests, best ways to approach other members, and when things are appropriate.  The system could even be set to automatically PM new members, with a link to this article, as part of the "welcome" protocol.

True, this won't eliminate the problem of the "trolls".  But, it should cut-down on the number of embarrassing misconceptions.

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Plus never mind having a rapport & trust & ambience etc it's a big fat safety issue to me instantly ☹️ some stranger turning up offering/eXpecting Xyz is alarming!! Even if they say they're offering to pay now that could just be a lure to be dealing with God knows what or whoever?!? You could be robbed they could be anyone & most likely some time waster who didn't even turn up 💀🎃💀 it just smells of smacks of prostitution & not empowerment or dominance for the female who should be in charge anyway especially if it's pegging!! ***ps want to have their Fetishes suddenly instantly & run away or dissapear like a thief in the night?!? 💀🌉 Guess that happens sometimes but Didn't seem a great way to live uness you have to provide that kind of stuff for some reason like survival or return of favours?!? 🤔

 

[Leisa]

Well said Bounty. I thank you.

[PandoraUK]

I do hope everyone reads this post. Or others like it. I’m a sub-leaning switch and get numerous first messages in which the member treats me like a pro-Domme. “I’m looking for xyz, I’ll travel to you even though I’m 3 hours away, …” but never mention ***. Makes me think even more that they truly don’t read profiles, copy/paste to as many people as possible, and hope they reach someone ***. Disgusting.

Note: Do it to me, I will block you…but possibly not before publicly naming and shaming elsewhere. You have been warned!

[ey****]

27 minutes ago, PandoraUK said:

I’m a sub-leaning switch and get numerous first messages in which the member treats me like a pro-Domme. “I’m looking for xyz, I’ll travel to you even though I’m 3 hours away, …” but never mention ***.

something else I often say

I often feel many men aren't actually looking for a relationship.  At least that's not how their approaches sound.

That they're seeking a Pro-Domme session, without having to pay for one.   

And it's an approach that is extremely objectifying. 

[ge****]

1 hour ago, PandoraUK said:

I do hope everyone reads this post. Or others like it. I’m a sub-leaning switch and get numerous first messages in which the member treats me like a pro-Domme. “I’m looking for xyz, I’ll travel to you even though I’m 3 hours away, …” but never mention ***. Makes me think even more that they truly don’t read profiles, copy/paste to as many people as possible, and hope they reach someone ***. Disgusting.

Note: Do it to me, I will block you…but possibly not before publicly naming and shaming elsewhere. You have been warned!

Sadly it seems to be the norm on sites related to meeting for sex (whether it be kink, fetish or vanilla) for the vast majority of first messages from men to women to be of the "entitled" variety (and whilst it probably does happen the other way round too it's a minority) where the sender *expects* not only a reply, but a meet, and a meet that happens exactly as they describe.

Unfortunately there's no easy way of solving the problem, the type that send that kind of message aren't likely to listen or change or even read threads like this - so the only option is to ignore as best you can and keep on trying to see the wood for the trees.

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

the type that send that kind of message aren't likely to listen or change or even read threads like this

they're not, no

but these threads often aren't for them, but about those who genuinely want to learn/improve

[PandoraUK]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

something else I often say

I often feel many men aren't actually looking for a relationship.  At least that's not how their approaches sound.

That they're seeking a Pro-Domme session, without having to pay for one.   

And it's an approach that is extremely objectifying. 

I agree that these people are definitely not looking for a relationship. They probably already have a vanilla one and this partner may or may not be left in the dark. My profile is clear that I am not interested in that at all.

[PandoraUK]

35 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Sadly it seems to be the norm on sites related to meeting for sex (whether it be kink, fetish or vanilla) for the vast majority of first messages from men to women to be of the "entitled" variety (and whilst it probably does happen the other way round too it's a minority) where the sender *expects* not only a reply, but a meet, and a meet that happens exactly as they describe.

Unfortunately there's no easy way of solving the problem, the type that send that kind of message aren't likely to listen or change or even read threads like this - so the only option is to ignore as best you can and keep on trying to see the wood for the trees.

Agree that there’s likely no real change going to happen. I’ve been online since the days of BBS single-node servers (and yes, 2400 baud modems!), so I’m not new to any of the BS, just tired of it.