Developing kink relationships

[ge****]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

they're not, no

but these threads often aren't for them, but about those who genuinely want to learn/improve

Oh don't get me wrong I'm not seeking to devalue threads like this, not at all, as I often say even if they change the ways of one person then they're absolutely worth it - sadly though I've seen all too often that those looking for "advice" aren't actually interested in the genuine and reasonable advice they are given

[ey****]

1 minute ago, gemini_man said:

Oh don't get me wrong I'm not seeking to devalue threads like this, not at all, as I often say even if they change the ways of one person then they're absolutely worth it - sadly though I've seen all too often that those looking for "advice" aren't actually interested in the genuine and reasonable advice they are given

no, I didn't take it as such

but I think if you ever feel disheartened - it does help *someone*

[ge****]

6 minutes ago, PandoraUK said:

Agree that there’s likely no real change going to happen. I’ve been online since the days of BBS single-node servers (and yes, 2400 baud modems!), so I’m not new to any of the BS, just tired of it.

2400 baud modems? Now you're talking 😉😄 MIRC later? Or perhaps ICQ?

Seriously though I agree it's tiresome and really wish there was an easy answer, sadly as long as us men have cocks between our legs there will be those that think with them - not excusing it in the slightest though - never fails to amaze me how even now 25-30 years since the Internet went mainstream the attitudes of some.

[Jimmmy]

I’ve met up with some on this site and had great fun, not exactly at the vanilla end of the scale, but certainly not at the extreme end either. There’s always been prior contact of course, and a relationship building process has been part of the journey.  That’s how it is here, as others have said.

 

However, I’ve also met up with some on other, “hookup” sites, where there’s been no prior relationship building process. I’ve had just as much, if not even more, fun with those, some of that fun definitely being at the very extreme end. Still safe, SSC and RACK and all of that, but extreme all the same.

 

And I’ve also met up with total strangers at saunas and similar venues and had the wildest times of all, almost without exception at the “serious to extreme” end of the scale.

 

It’s my 40 year experience, having known I had a kinky side since puberty, that sometimes, by not knowing too much about all the foibles, life traumas, phobias and other negative issues that some people seem to like to amplify, a much more rewarding and satisfying physical encounter can be enjoyed. Too much emotional baggage can be a massive hindrance to happy kinky times.

 

In my numerous kinky encounters with other like minded kinksters, BDSM friendly playmates, full-on hardcore BDSM practitioners and other non-vanilla partners that I’ve played with, I’ve always had the most fun and generated the most enduring memories with the ones that have had the least “issues” or “damage” or “phobias” or “triggers” or other “I’m damaged so I’m attention seeking” type of shit going on. And there are a lot of the latter on here, it seems. And vampires too: those that take and take, sucking everything out of you that they can. Certainly judging by the massive, angry, attitudinal monologues that are so much a feature of the forums, it would seem that way.

 

For me, emotional connection is essential to having a meaningful and rewarding BDSM or kinky experience. But that needn’t take ages to achieve. Incredible emotional connections can be forged in minutes when two people are on the same wavelength. I met up with someone from a hookup site recently and within five minutes of getting out of the shower before our play session, I knew I was into something special. We just clicked immediately. And it was magic. This wasn’t either of us being “kink dispensers”. We didn’t have a list of demands. We just went with the flow, both ways.

 

This type of encounter has happened for me on many occasions. I’m convinced that it happens easily for people who don’t think they are “damaged” or need “therapy”, “healing” or any other negative stuff.

 

There needs to be an understanding that not all men are complete wankers who view women as “holes with legs” as some have put it. But there also needs to be an understanding that those (usually women) who bleat on about how they’ve been so badly wronged in life because of whatever happened, are hardly attractive to those who are happy go lucky and just want to have fun times, not be someone’s therapist!

 

Enjoy your fun, guys and gals (and everyone in between), and lighten up a bit, eh?

[RainbowTea]

On 9/10/2021 at 8:14 AM, VILKDUJA said:

That specific example you've stated, I would find, in your position, highly insulting & deeply offensive. They are viewing you as little more than a prostitute, of which there are plenty to be found in their respective places, where he'd be far better looking for what he wants.
Which leads me to what I've seen from some quarters regarding the overall theme of your post. There seems to me to be a significant number of members, mainly men, who completely miss the point of this site & what it is about & the purposes it serves. Indeed, many do not seem to comprehend the very nature of fetishes, kinks, of what it truly is & entails, & the community that goes along with it.
So, for any members reading this thread who have a misguided viewpoint - No, fetish.com is not a hook-up or a dating site. It is for for people who are part of the many aspects of the fetish scene to communicate with each other, exchange thoughts, ideas, experiences & suchlike things. It's a place where you can make acquaintances & form friendships with people who share similar interests & passions. NO - you do not just rock up here expecting this, demanding that. Bounty explained it perfectly about getting to know people, integrating yourself to become part of the community. It's all about the people & personalities. You need to first understand that although it often does play a part, though not always, there is so much more to fetish & kink than sex etc.
Though at least, those who do come here with an attitude showing them to be totally misguided, make it easy for others to identify what they're about & give them a very wide berth.

100% agreed. The vanilla world assumes kink = sex, so ofc kink specific sites like this one draw a lot of people that are actually just vanillas who want rough sex hookups, or Tops/bottoms who like kinky sex but don't know the difference between Topping/bottoming and Domming/subbing.

[MasterDarcy1979]

There are many ways to develop a BDSM relationship.

I'm a demisexual, so for me a major requisite is knowing getting to know a person and foming a mental and emotional bond. I need to do that before I can feel even a semblance of attraction, physical of otherwise.

I'm also a sapiosexual, so I'm also attracted to intelligence.

She doesn't need to be a rocket scientist (even though I once knew a sub who worked in NASA) or a member of MENSA.

There are many types of intelligence.

I have phases when I'm developing a BDSM relationship.

It begins with an interview process, with her telling me everything there is to know about her. Ranging from her formative years to now; from vanilla to kink, etc.

Mainly through email.

It's a formal interview process. It can take as long as it takes for me to develop a bond with her. If a bond doesn't form, I thank her for her time.

The next phase is being placed under consideration. This entails tasks and soft training methods, etc, in order for me to discover if she's the type if sub that I'm seeking.

The operative word is "compatibility".