Learn The Word No

[AKA_Copper]

I don’t take my identity as a submissive as seriously as I might (can you tell?). I've said it before and I'll say it again, for me, as long as both consent and ethics are prioritised as the basis for D/s, I'm good. I will not *** myself over my unsubly failings and neither should you. I won’t spend my days practising deference or pondering what makes me worthy of someones attention, let alone their dominance and neither should you. I won’t use my orientation as a step towards holy enlightenment and neither should you.

I won't be doing that anymore.

With that said, here's a note of caution; I am, some have said, a shit sub. Well, let me tell you, its taken a hell of a lot of evolving to become this terrible at it.

I had to experience a dynamic built on the bricks of gaslighting, manipulation and *** to become this non-compliant. Emotional masochism flays the skin of your psyche right off your bones, leaving you *** to even the tiniest of ***s. Submission wants to give. It needs to say “yes”. That means it needs a Dominant who is guided by a strict list of ethics, consent and extreme respect. It means I need to have set but also solid boundaries. I will eventually become pliable, but only with a Dominant who thinks as much about my wellbeing as he does his own.

If your dominance is built on entitlement you will not be able to top me, much less get an miniscule amount of submission out of me. If it’s built out of vulnerability, though, you'll get a side of me that few will ever see: I'll become Super Sub, loyal and devoted to a true Dom. I swear there’s a good sub in me. She just likes enthusiastic consent on both sides, which is perfectly compatible with submission.

Submission’s natural state is to be compliant, so learning to say “no” has taken me more time than learning to say “yes”. The "yes" part of my sexuality is inherent, so I’ve had to hone the ability to defend my limits and boundaries.

I love power exchange, but it must happen in an environment of consent, trust, respect and good ethics. My first Dom lost it by assuming it, coercing it out of me. Submission should never disempower. It should be worthy of celebration.

And, having learnt the word no, I intend on celebrating it.

[Deleted Member]

The old saying about omelettes and eggs comes to mind with this CK...it has to be done to obtain what you truly want. x

[Nerdycat]

I love this post, I'm not good with words but can relate so much to this 

[Nicky898]

Great piece, thank you for sharing , i totally get what you are saying

[Ami-babi]

100%

[ge****]

The mistake a lot make IMHO is to fail to recognise that dominants and submissives are equals who sit on opposite sides of the same coin, each with an equal level of say and control over the foundations of the dynamic, each with the ability to say no, or to express boundaries/limits, or indeed to walk away if it's not working.

Now once that foundation is agreed and defined between those involved, the level of control may shift within certain parameters, but always at its core is the foundation of equality that forged the dynamic.

At least that's my view of how it *should* be for me - as a submissive I am not somehow "lesser" or "don't have a mind/voice of my own" - I may give myself, but I can always take myself back at any point.

[Leisa]

Gemini said it so well. The underlying base of any good dynamic is trust, communication, and equality. Being confident enough to say no when something doesn’t feel right, even if it’s a temporary no that with time and patience can ultimately become yes when fostered with patience and gentleness. If you’re a bad sub so am I. It takes a lot of mutual respect and trust to earn my submission and keep it. This post should answer the questions of some who have been less then kind to you on the forum and give some insight. I’d it doesn’t then sod them; they can push off. What you’re describing should be the basis for any D/s relationship. If it’s not then is it really a relationship?

[Deleted Member]

You are answering questions with your posts that I felt I couldn't ask anyone. One of them was: can I be a good sub when it is so hard to convince me to be one. Thank you for showing us that we are not alone with these thoughts and feelings. ❤️