Hey! I am new to being a sub and have a question.

[wonderingwonder]

So I have been in a relationship for about a year now with a dom, but we have never spoken about our agendas although they are obvious and I think he has skilfully trained me to ''see'' what his position is in the relationship and what he wants me to be without directly communicating but by using discipline.. one of his forms of discipline or punishment is by ignoring me through messenger..

I notice if I show any sign of anything like too outspoken he will ignore me for days..or when he comes to see me when he leaves he will ignore me for days as well.. I'm not sure exactly what it is about.. is this training? when I message him again he will say he's sorry he's been busy with work etc and then make some kind of effort with me etc. not sure what your take is on this? any doms or subs with any knowledge would be greatly appreciated x

[Fk****]

I’m in a very similar situation to you and I know how hard it can be so *hugs*! It sounds as tho your dom isn’t being clear about whether this is a deliberate punishment or not, which isn’t fair on you. 1) If it is, then he should tell you so that you know what you’ve done wrong and how to avoid it in future; 2) if it isn’t a deliberate punishment, and there is something else to it (be it work etc) then he should be able to signal in some way - even if it’s the briefest of messages - that he’s busy but you’re not forgotten. The third option is that this is part of his personality, perhaps he’s slightly dismissive-avoidant and feels like he has to pull away after a period of intense togetherness. With my dom, it’s a combination of 2 and 3, tho I misread it for a long time (and still do occasionally) as 1 which was very confusing. We now have a system where he will, if possible, let me know very briefly once he knows he’s going to be busy for a time. He will then occasionally check in while busy, on the understanding that it is not an invitation for me to start a conversation. And in general I’ve had to get my mind around the fact that he drives his own availability and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with me and what I have/haven’t done. It’s definitely a steep learning curve. I think you should talk to him, from the perspective of if this is a form of punishment you’d like that clarified (along with the misdemeanour) so that you can learn to please him better, then if he states that it’s not a punishment, try to negotiate for a compromise that make you both feel comfortable. Feel free to message if you want to talk further! Xx

[Deleted Member]

Every Dom got their own way, but you said you have been a year now. If at this point its still not clear why yours doing this I doubt about the communication level between you two. Personnaly I have always been clear with subs, about why they are ben punised and what kind od punishment they will get. Silence is not one of them, I find it more a vanilla form or dont be offended kind of childish. I coiuld "ignore "sometime my subs when they are in the room but ots more part of the play game than shes done something wrong. I did it once igoring aher message for 1/2 day because she forgot about one rule. But I reply within the day to expalin if shes going to ignore the rule I wil ignore her presence. That said I repeat every Dom are different on how they choose to punish their subs. But from the start of any relationship I will state clearly how, what, when, where. This is how you show you are in control and not leaving my subs in distress or wandering whats going on. I communicate most days or regularly to show my care, and if ever she need me what ever it is. I cant explain why yours is like this, but I guess hes got something more important to focus on, but also depends what kind of dynamic you set up with him, obviously I dont think you know either. Its time to ask a few more details question. In my opinion of course.

[Deleted Member]

look as bluntly as i can put it, theres a difference between removing attention for a punishment and then just being a dickhead. a dom takes your needs into account not just has you when its convenient for them, if hes constantly using the excuse hes working or busy to not talk to you or is saying its a punishment with out being clear about why he is punishing you, hes just being a dick, and most likely isnt really a dom and is just a kinky brat instead.

[nondescriptcouple]

I will be honest I struggle with the idea that a Dom/sub relationship is different to any other form of relationship. In all relationships there needs to understanding, two way communication and give and take. From your explanation it does seem your Dom contacts you when he feels like it and then ignores you when he cannot be bothered, in the vanilla world that would be a Booty call, not a relationship. You say your relationship agenda is obvious but have never spoken about it, and that he has trained you to see his position in the relationship without directly communicating. Without any communication or confirmation from him it sounds like all you have done is presumed both his agenda and role based on guesswork, not facts. I am sorry to be so harsh, I realise he is your Dom, but you have asked for peoples comments. One question for you, why are you asking strangers what is going on, shouldn't you be asking your Dom directly for a clearer understanding of what he is doing? Or is it that you don't think he would respond or might perhaps just ignore you again. If that is the reason then you do need to think seriously about what relationship you actually have with him.

[Deleted Member]

I’m a switch; when I had a dom I made it clear I don’t like the idea of “being ignored” as a form of punishment so it was never used. Every D/s relationship a strong form of communication is needed so there’s a mutual understanding about everything. As a Domme I use a way where I say to them “think about what you’ve done and don’t speak to me until you’re ready to apologise for your behaviour and accept your punishment” but they apologise almost instantly. If I’m being completely honest no one is “too busy” to not reply to you. If he was he can easily send a message your way and explain his plan for the day so his communication would be limited. Just because your submissive you don’t need to put up with kinda behaviour. Make it clear about how you feel. To me it doesn’t seem like he’s a Dom at all.

[BigPolly]

Woahhh...ok the everyday me wants to say ‘Wowzers why on earth are you allowing yourself to be ignored’......the Sub me wants to say ‘WOWZERS WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE IGNORED’ Every Dom works differently, that’s already been said & whereas I appreciate this is his way, to then just say ‘I’ve been busy...’....nope sorry, no communication, no respect & therefore how is there any trust? You are an equal to him! Without your gift of submission he can’t be your Dom. So once you’ve had your punishment of being rudely ignored, your reward for waiting for him like he requires is what?? I’m sorry for being harsh but if a subs *** & discipline is as such that you are having to come on a forum & ask what people think because you are unsure....you have already answered your own question. As a sub I have been humiliated & silienced, stood in stress positions & not been allowed to speak etc but not this. I had one online Dom who told me to go away & think about what I’d done & wait to be contacted, I waited over 2wks, he eventually messaged me but I never messaged back. I’m a Sub I’m not a mug! He sounds like a proper knobhead (sorry not sorry) he’s giving real Doms a bad name& if you’re having to ask people ‘is this right’ then he’s starting to emotionally damage you so please be careful. You really really really need to be communicating. You are allowed to say ‘no’ or ‘this punishment isn’t for me I don’t like it’ & if he’s unwilling to change the way he does things & if something is leaving you feel rubbish then it’s not right. If that’s the case that’s not a Dom it’s a controlling bully. Pleeeeease be careful your message has made me cross & so worried for you.

[Deleted Member]

I had a dom who did the exact same thing to me. It could be days between texts from him Even though I texted him every morning which is what he wanted. In the end I stopped texting him and he never texted again. I wish I'd been on here back then because i wouldn't have wasted so much of my time on him x

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like you're being faithful to "His" every wish, but that he's being totally egotistical with you,came taking what he wants, then wandering off. It's not ignoring,it's being selfish. As others have said, communication is vitally important and right from the start, you should both have aired your views. It's not until you feel that you will be dealt with fairly, that you actually agree to give your "gift" to a Dom. If you don't feel secure, then take yourself away from this guy. He doesn't seem to appreciate your dedication and commitment.

[3S****]

If he's a sadist he could be getting off on you not knowing where you stand with him, that might be his thing. As it is it's very convenient for him anyhow.

 

I'm a dismissive Domme so would enjoy this kind of punishment but also into *** so there would be some kind of interaction saying you're not worthy of my time and why that is. Then i'd expect grovelling texts, etc. But that is me and not him.

 

I think your relationship is casual though if you haven't discussed your agenda with each other and you have no idea what is going on. Like people say communication is needed here so you know.