Polyamory and Abusive Past.

[Ju****]

Ok so I have been in this lifestyle for a little over 18 months, besides dabbling when younger. For the last year I have been trying a Poly lifestyle, introduced to me by my partner, who I found on here. I had a rough, but general understanding of it in the past, but never actually lived it. So meeting someone who *does* have knowledge in it, was helpful and I've slowly been learning the in's and out's of everything. 

 

But this is my issue. 

 

I have not been able to make *another* connection on here (with any gendered person). I have had a lot of interest, and I've had a lot of chats with potential people and yet, nothing came of it. 

People either wanted a fast fuck (which isn't my thing), didn't want prolonged play or commitment, tried to own me, treated me like an object or piece of meat, lied to me, ignored me, friend zoned me, ghosted me or straight up stalked me. I *really* haven't had a good time.

A lot of those incidences have triggered me back to past traumas. (***d my men, degraded/belittled, narcassistic exs, being used, cheated on, lied to, assulted, abandoned and so on).

So if someone lies to me on here, I'm just going to block them. Or if they hint they just want me for sex or 'things on their terms' with little regard to who I am as a person, I don't exactly stick around. A lot of attempts to connect have brought up these triggers and it can be very hard to shake them. It's making me revert back into myself and I'm afraid to approach another person, or let one close, due to thinking history will repeat itself. That or, when people find I have these issues/this past, they get scared off.

 

...

 

Now, I know it can be very hard to meet people on here and form a relationship, so I am by no means ungrateful for the person I *have* found, as they are very patient, understanding and encouraging. It is with others and my own head that I struggle. My partner is helping me work past associating my issues with new people. Helping me open my mind and give the benefit of the doubt, so I can safely and confidently meet another person suited to me. Calming my abandonment and self esteem issues (not seeking), so I can relax, be free and trust that I won't be discarded like others have done to me. They allow me to have a better understanding of the lifestyle, experiment and hopefully associate any new people with *good* things, rather than running at the first sign of negatives. While I appreciate their support and words, it is obviously very hard to disconnect that worry of 'what if..' when I'm engaging with new people. I try not to assume the worst but my brain finds a way to scream and panic when something does come up. 

 

 

So my questions are...

 

- How do people with traumas and bad experiences move on without allowing previous *** to creep in?

- Have you had a bad past and been able to allow new people to enter your life in a *poly* setting and if so, how did you put your guard down and have a leap of faith with those potential people?

- How do you manage in a current relationship to kerb your demons / anxieties of abandonment, if and when your partner finds new partners? (I get the point of poly means there's room for many, but the *** my self esteem brings is horrible, jealousy does not play a part).

- Is there anything that can be done to ease the mind when you spot a little trigger in behaviour with new people, or would you just walk from it before it starts?

- Is there any brain and mental health (for lack of a better word) training that you have found useful to be able to push those thoughts and worries to the back of your mind and power on through, to be able to let go of yourself and just..... live in the here and now?

- How do you put trust in people when getting to know them, like do you find it easier to get to know one person at a time and see what happens, or a couple of people at once to expand the chances of a connection?

 

I do not want any bashing for this post. I've been struggling enough feeling like I am broken for not being able to connect with people. This *is* a lifestyle I want to do and succeed in. I just want to be able to move on with life, living it to the full and hopefully working past my issues in the process. I don't want criticism or rediculed either, please only genuine help and advice. I'm really going out of my comfort zone posting this. Thanks for your time.

[Deleted Member]

You are definitely not broken..you've just had awful experiences with past exs and that's made you more alert and much more careful with who you allow yourself to completely connect with. Nothing wrong with that at all. My past poly relationship wasn't exactly great which I think I told you about awhile ago so I can't give you much advice on that. But the other stuff I can do my best. And I genuinely appreciate you posting a private issue you have as I kinda relate with myself.

[Ju****]

Just now, LuciiXD said:

You are definitely not broken..you've just had awful experiences with past exs and that's made you more alert and much more careful with who you allow yourself to completely connect with. Nothing wrong with that at all. My past poly relationship wasn't exactly great which I think I told you about awhile ago so I can't give you much advice on that. But the other stuff I can do my best. And I genuinely appreciate you posting a private issue you have as I kinda relate with myself.

You did indeed confide in me. And yes this is *very* personal to me, and it does make me feel very broken. That I cannot seem to shake what has happened in my past. I'm constantly told it's time to move on and everyone is not the same, but life cycles back to repeating for me. So I am hard pressed to be optimisitic. And I don't want my inability to forget and move on, to push those close to me away and prevent myself from having new experiences. But I kind of feel at the same time, *am I* the one making this mess for myself just by even keeping these anxities in mind? 

I just don't want to be or feel this way and yes my ex's have been shitty but it seems literally every person I've tried with since has done the exact same stuff to me over and over and I'm struggling to know what or where I am going wrong. 

[Bluerose85]

Can relate. Thank you sharing. I have not been in a poly but the rest of it I have. How I deal with it, I'm a submissive and learned to love being controlled but put boundaries up. It's hard. For poly I would try texting with others and see if any feelings. If not that's okay. Maybe it's pressure. Could ask your partner to find someone for both of you.

[Ju****]

5 minutes ago, Bluerose85 said:

Can relate. Thank you sharing. I have not been in a poly but the rest of it I have. How I deal with it, I'm a submissive and learned to love being controlled but put boundaries up. It's hard. For poly I would try texting with others and see if any feelings. If not that's okay. Maybe it's pressure. Could ask your partner to find someone for both of you.

No sadly not. I do not under any circumstances want a triad. I have extreme difficulty with that, due to always being the second choice for partners in the past and I would end up panicking about losing 2 people instead of one. I prefer to keep all relationships seperate and non involved with other relationships or friendships. Too messy for me. But I do not find feelings easy for people and the first sign of a flag I retreat, I've always been told to put myself first and once I began to do this, I feel I've literally been guarding myself beyond comprehension since. 

I do not want a d/s dynamic as I prefer more romantic attachments, which sadly seems to be few and far between on here.

[Bluerose85]

A shot in the dark but are you a poly type. Sometimes we want to be something because it sounds intriguing. And eventually realise it hurts us. If your into it keep trying. Very few relationships in this Era are more then hookups. And sometimes what we feel or think hurts us we subconsciously avoid.

[ge****]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of everything you've been through and are struggling with - can't begin to understand how difficult it must be for you.

I don't pretend nor claim to have any experience of dealing with your specific situation, but a couple of layman's observations having read your posts, apologies in advance if they're wide of the mark or ***ful in any way.

Firstly, given your struggles, are you sure that poly is right for you at this moment in time? Or would you be better to stick to a monogamous relationship for a while as you rebuild your self-confidence and self-esteem through that to the point you are ready to take those next steps? Know that may sound harsh and it is absolutely not meant to, but I guess it's kind of are you setting yourself up for a fall at a time when you are fragile, especially in an environment that as you are finding can be incredibly false at times.

If you are ready for it, then perhaps question if this site is the right place to find it if you're not looking for a D/s dynamic as you suggest - anyone who is serious about the site and what it can offer will most likely be looking for the D/s angle, those that aren't are more likely to have joined in the hope of a ONS type scenario which isn't what you want. Maybe consider somewhere like Fabswingers which though it has more than it's fair share of undesirables, does have some good guys who are looking for something more "committed" too.

Again apologies if any of that comes across in any way wrong, not my intent at all.

[Sir-Taz]

42 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

You did indeed confide in me. And yes this is *very* personal to me, and it does make me feel very broken. That I cannot seem to shake what has happened in my past. I'm constantly told it's time to move on and everyone is not the same, but life cycles back to repeating for me. So I am hard pressed to be optimisitic. And I don't want my inability to forget and move on, to push those close to me away and prevent myself from having new experiences. But I kind of feel at the same time, *am I* the one making this mess for myself just by even keeping these anxities in mind? 

I just don't want to be or feel this way and yes my ex's have been shitty but it seems literally every person I've tried with since has done the exact same stuff to me over and over and I'm struggling to know what or where I am going wrong. 

Maybe your not going wrong I hate to say it but some people arre just cunts . 😒 they will see an in and take full advantage. 

[Bluerose85]

@gemini_man you took the words right out of mouth :)

[Ju****]

2 minutes ago, Bluerose85 said:

A shot in the dark but are you a poly type. Sometimes we want to be something because it sounds intriguing. And eventually realise it hurts us. If your into it keep trying. Very few relationships in this Era are more then hookups. And sometimes what we feel or think hurts us we subconsciously avoid.

This had been a topic my partner brought up, worrying i wasnt into poly and would revert to mono and theyd lose me, but i know that wouldnt ever happen. I do want to be and live this lifestyle. I do not want to be mono as most experiences have been people believing they own me, lack of communication and ultimately deceit. This lifestyle will open me to more opportunites and adventures and while i wish to connect i just cant let go of past issues when they resonate with someone new.

[Ju****]

4 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of everything you've been through and are struggling with - can't begin to understand how difficult it must be for you.

I don't pretend nor claim to have any experience of dealing with your specific situation, but a couple of layman's observations having read your posts, apologies in advance if they're wide of the mark or ***ful in any way.

Firstly, given your struggles, are you sure that poly is right for you at this moment in time? Or would you be better to stick to a monogamous relationship for a while as you rebuild your self-confidence and self-esteem through that to the point you are ready to take those next steps? Know that may sound harsh and it is absolutely not meant to, but I guess it's kind of are you setting yourself up for a fall at a time when you are fragile, especially in an environment that as you are finding can be incredibly false at times.

If you are ready for it, then perhaps question if this site is the right place to find it if you're not looking for a D/s dynamic as you suggest - anyone who is serious about the site and what it can offer will most likely be looking for the D/s angle, those that aren't are more likely to have joined in the hope of a ONS type scenario which isn't what you want. Maybe consider somewhere like Fabswingers which though it has more than it's fair share of undesirables, does have some good guys who are looking for something more "committed" too.

Again apologies if any of that comes across in any way wrong, not my intent at all.

Yes it is definately the route i wish to take. I will not go back to mono relationships. I have had too much hurt and ***, after all thats where all these issues have stemmed from!

my relationship i have now has been one of the best most wonderful experiences of my life. 

I have no qualms with poly other than my ability to connect with someone else on a deeper level. I dont know if they are genuinely people not meant for me, or my issues coming into play

I have found love and friendship on here once, i can do it again but i guess trying to let go of past issues to let someone in is what i need to do.

as i said ive had lots of interest and chat, but my head comes into it once someone says something sleazy or assuming for instance. 

perhaps im not entertaining the right audience. but i love the site here and i dont really want to go looking elsewhere. 

[ge****]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

Yes it is definately the route i wish to take. I will not go back to mono relationships. I have had too much hurt and ***, after all thats where all these issues have stemmed from!

my relationship i have now has been one of the best most wonderful experiences of my life. 

I have no qualms with poly other than my ability to connect with someone else on a deeper level. I dont know if they are genuinely people not meant for me, or my issues coming into play

I have found love and friendship on here once, i can do it again but i guess trying to let go of past issues to let someone in is what i need to do.

as i said ive had lots of interest and chat, but my head comes into it once someone says something sleazy or assuming for instance. 

perhaps im not entertaining the right audience. but i love the site here and i dont really want to go looking elsewhere. 

Fair enough - and that all considered I think it comes down to two factors, firstly your guard being up, which to be honest is as it should be - more importantly though, regardless of the site it *does* come down to the age old problem of finding the "right" person for you and sadly on sites like this the adage of "kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince" applies.

Whereas men have the problem of generating interest, women have the opposite of too much interest and the vast majority of it being the wrong kind.

Yes your wariness and past experience will play into it, but that's natural and to be expected and in a lot of ways a good thing to protect yourself, but ultimately you're experiencing the same sort of problems that many women on sites like this do - ergo the wrong kind of interest from the wrong kind of men, and there's not much you can do other than keep looking and eventually you'll find it, just as you did before.

[Ch****]

In my early 20s i had a very bad ex who done very bad things, i have triggers and most i can overcome, a few are hard limits that ive not been able to deal with. After him i couldnt trust new people, only met with previous partners/play partners. About 4 years ago i took the leap and decided i need to start again.
There were time wasters, user's, ghosts ect and i thought about giving in again, but then i met some good people who put the faith back. Ive made good friends. When i start to look for someone/couple, i chat with a few at a time, some it might only be a few days and we know its not a match, some a week. Once I've started to make a connection with someone i stop chatting to others as potential partners, my focus will be on the person ive connected to. Then its weeks building trust and getting to know them well before meeting.

[7o****]

I'm about to pm you

[7o****]

Well apparently I can't due to your filters. If you want you PM me, I'll be happy to be friends- just friends - and tell you about my experiences and past traumas

[Deleted Member]

I haven't read the comments here but I'm sure there's some excellent advice and suggestions. 

What I done and still do is categorise the negative feelings as stuff in the past that can't be changed. Its all behind you. In front of you, you have your future. Picture as sun, sea, sand, warmth, gentle breeze or whatever lovely image you can imagine. Sure there'll be stuff in the way that you'll have to move or solve, it's life. Anything that reminds you of the past, just walk on by, it's really not in your way because it's actually behind you. 

In short, look forward, not back because you'll fall over 🤗

[Deleted Member]

Hi Jen, I think we have talked about past *** before. (As curvykate probably). I'm sorry that you've had some rubbish experiences of late. I've had several of them myself this year and I am reasonably sure now that I'm poly. I am just not sure that poly is the problem here - it's just too much emotional stress having these things happen. They take a toll. For anyone, but because you've had past trauma - it's worse for you. Sounds like you need to give yourself some time for your resilience to come back. Im sure it will.

[Mr****]

Trusting people is difficult, especially for anyone with a history of ***, or if you have anxiety, and often those things come hand in hand. It sounds like you know what you want, but you’ve been talking to people who do not want the same thing. In those cases you’ve done the correct thing and been cautious. Within this lifestyle you identify your limits, what you do and don’t want to explore, if the person you’re talking to doesn’t respect those limits, then it’s perfectly fine to stop talking to them. You do get all kinds of people on here, not all are good or genuine, but the right people will respect you and what you want, they won’t give you cause to worry. They’ll show patience and invest time to get to know you. Those who are after something no strings, or are on here for the wrong reasons, will put themselves quickly, as you have found, but don’t let them stop you from finding what you know you want. Though that is easier said than done. I’ve had abusive people in my life, and the way I’ve moved on is to recognise the signs of an ***r, but also to recognise that I know myself and trust my judgement when it comes to who I can trust. It isn’t easy, but you will get there. It sounds like you have found a partner you trust and who is good for you, keep talking to them and talk to friends on here, or irl and you will find another you can connect with on all the levels you are looking for.

[Deleted Member]

I am in some ways in a similar situation and had conversations here that triggered a lot of anxiety. So when I have one that doesn't, I'm extremely surprised, but really it shows that it does depend on the conversation partner as much as on us. Our anxiety is not unfounded (read "first we make the beast beautiful", it can change your understanding of anxiety and help you to live a very good life with it) and it will tell us that this person might be great but not great for us. Simple as that. Trust your guts. 

Also, don't let the anxiety stop you from anything. Of course you should try poly, why on earth not?!? Should people with anxiety start avoiding any trigger? Of course not! We just need to accept that we need to do things with a bit more self care. I've pushed myself too much and too quickly in the past (not only sex related) and it took at times months to recover. That sucks but also isn't the end of the world, you can learn from it. This means we might have to accept that everything will take a bit longer for us, will be reached via a more winded road, but also it can be safer and more intense this way. Hope that helps, feel free to message any time and keep going!! 💪

P.S. as @Tazzaby has said: there are unfortunately some unsavoury people here. How good is it that we can filter them out immediately!?!

[Ju****]

17 hours ago, Tazzaby said:

Maybe your not going wrong I hate to say it but some people arre just cunts . 😒 they will see an in and take full advantage. 

Yes Tazz, all previous mono relationships have ended up very sour and me very dented. This is why I'm trying to push the results of that away to be able to welcome new experiences where I'm already finding it easier and im much happier thus far with who I have.. But still have a long way to go for future endevours.

[Ju****]

16 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Fair enough - and that all considered I think it comes down to two factors, firstly your guard being up, which to be honest is as it should be - more importantly though, regardless of the site it *does* come down to the age old problem of finding the "right" person for you and sadly on sites like this the adage of "kissing a lot of frogs to find a prince" applies.

Whereas men have the problem of generating interest, women have the opposite of too much interest and the vast majority of it being the wrong kind.

Yes your wariness and past experience will play into it, but that's natural and to be expected and in a lot of ways a good thing to protect yourself, but ultimately you're experiencing the same sort of problems that many women on sites like this do - ergo the wrong kind of interest from the wrong kind of men, and there's not much you can do other than keep looking and eventually you'll find it, just as you did before.

Yes you are correct, my guard is very much up. To the highest of extents. I know I need to lower my guard, but not entirely. Just enough to let someone close. But despite any interest I've had, not one seems to be an ideal suit/fit, or they're just disappointing as human beings if I'm being brutally honest. So trying to "kiss frogs".. is something I am not opposed to but still find difficult. I am very observant and very relying on my gut instinct so when something screams about someone/thing I always trust it, and I pick up on every minute detail. Once I have in my head that someone isn't who they say they are, or lying about small things, I do tend to run fast. If they can do that from the get go they'll get worse as time goes on. 

As for just bonding with people, I've made a ton of friends and get on well with lots of guys and girls on here, just not to a romantic level. I guess I'll need to assess people a little less and try to message someone who seems right in physical, personality and location but also one that fits mine and if i fit their kink wants/needs. That's also a very big push back. I am not on any dating sites, to be honest I've never used them... So even when I joined here was a big thing for me and I didn't expect to get as far as I did, never mind meet someone.

For instance I got with my partner very fast, they're a great blessing in my life. I've clicked with others in the past, but they are mono. It's either that or the fact I have kids puts them off. Or a couple of other people I did take interest in, both were in germany and upon speaking gave the line "Shame about the distance". Immediately shot down. So while those people were quite special and rare, they're just way out of realisitic distances. 

I will keep trying but I also need to just learn how to not let my past encounters bleed into the here and now. Once I master that, I think I may have a bit of better luck. Sorry for the word vomit, but I've really appreciated your input so thank you!

[Ju****]

15 hours ago, 7ohn_dom_and_sub said:

Well apparently I can't due to your filters. If you want you PM me, I'll be happy to be friends- just friends - and tell you about my experiences and past traumas

Hi I appreciate it, but I do prefer to keep things on the forum chat as I'm a bit anal about my inbox at the minute. I honestly try not to look at it. I have had a guy and a girl message me about their experiences relating to this and are both watching along to read comments on this post anonymously, so anything you feel comfy sharing, I and others I'm sure will be glad to read and welcome any advice you have. Thank you xx

[Ju****]

13 hours ago, Axlsub said:

I haven't read the comments here but I'm sure there's some excellent advice and suggestions. 

What I done and still do is categorise the negative feelings as stuff in the past that can't be changed. Its all behind you. In front of you, you have your future. Picture as sun, sea, sand, warmth, gentle breeze or whatever lovely image you can imagine. Sure there'll be stuff in the way that you'll have to move or solve, it's life. Anything that reminds you of the past, just walk on by, it's really not in your way because it's actually behind you. 

In short, look forward, not back because you'll fall over 🤗

There have been a few comments perhaps suggesting to me that 'poly' isn't right for me (at this time), but I know it is. That is why I had said in the initial post that I *want* to be in this lifestyle, I want to understand it more and open up to new things. I just need help and advice on how to seperate anxieities from new people coming near me. To enable to break this wall down and push on a bit out of my comfort zone. My partner is also reading along with this post and was proud of me for reaching out on such a personal matter. It wasn't easy but that is how determined and passionate I am about him, the lifestyle and my own experiences getting better. 

I do a lot of writing when I am low or mad, it helps me vent the frustration away so perhaps I need to do this when it comes to worries along the 'dating' way. I'll perhaps open myself up a bit more to second chances and not being too quick to dismiss. 

[Ju****]

12 hours ago, Dragonflylover said:

Hi Jen, I think we have talked about past *** before. (As curvykate probably). I'm sorry that you've had some rubbish experiences of late. I've had several of them myself this year and I am reasonably sure now that I'm poly. I am just not sure that poly is the problem here - it's just too much emotional stress having these things happen. They take a toll. For anyone, but because you've had past trauma - it's worse for you. Sounds like you need to give yourself some time for your resilience to come back. Im sure it will.

Yes I am very familiar with your new name Kate, (I rather love the name!).

And yes bless you, you have listened to me also on these kind of traumas and abusive pasts. They really are difficult to move past. But Im at that stage now where I know I NEED to or I'm not going to move forward. 

Emotional stress is indeed playing a part. I worry over everything and even stress that current is going to lose patience with me, as they are helping me connect with people rather than their own journey at present, because they have that love and support and at the end of the day were here once themselves. I just don't like to think I'm testing anyones patience, but I have indeed stressed that due to my 'shit' as I call it, I will need that little bit of extra time and understanding. I'm very lucky for the support they provide me. I always have an ear if I need it. One day at a time Kate, I'm sure it will get better IF the right one I'm meant to cross paths with falls into my lap xxx

[Ju****]

16 hours ago, Cheekysub247 said:

In my early 20s i had a very bad ex who done very bad things, i have triggers and most i can overcome, a few are hard limits that ive not been able to deal with. After him i couldnt trust new people, only met with previous partners/play partners. About 4 years ago i took the leap and decided i need to start again.
There were time wasters, user's, ghosts ect and i thought about giving in again, but then i met some good people who put the faith back. Ive made good friends. When i start to look for someone/couple, i chat with a few at a time, some it might only be a few days and we know its not a match, some a week. Once I've started to make a connection with someone i stop chatting to others as potential partners, my focus will be on the person ive connected to. Then its weeks building trust and getting to know them well before meeting.

This is bang on my issue. The triggers. I find it very hard to let go, and truthfully I am not a forgiving person at all. If someone wrongs me, I scare myself how much I can just simply forget they exist. But I never forget whats been done to me. I don't think anyone does but I do believe I need to store those ***s away somewhere. I don't want to be self sabotaging. But as mentioned above its sod's law that when i *do* connect with people, there's either a distance or they are mono so then its back to square one!

I agree on your 'talking' process there. I do not date friends in any way shape or form. So I make sure that if I make a new acquaintance, I'm very sure to keep them on an 'interested level' and make them  aware than setting them into a friend level. 

I am wondering which is best for me in the one person or multiple, again, I think for me I'd feel guilty if I connected with like 2 people and one was closer than the other, I'd not be able to focus on just one person kinda thing and sort of drift from the other. I get the connection moving on is important but I'd just feel wierd about that. I guess hearing your view on that maybe rings with me to try one at a time?! I am glad it worked for you though, we all need to find our groove when it comes to these things.I really hope you found what your looking for and honestly well done on putting the stuff behind you, its very admirable.!