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How important should it be for Fetish interests/lists to match-up?!?


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What if say a sub or play partner just sounds like a good person to know but their Fetish list is stuff I've not done before and/or things not really on my list?!? Atmo I have limited eXperience but I do have a mental list of what I think I'd be geared towards-my own interests and capacitys......ūü§Ē I need a comfort zone of what Ive already partly done before I feel to not feel too stretched-out)¬†

It's very much contextual on what you think you'd maybe want to do in the future.
If they're aware of your experience level and hesitance to dive into the deep end, then they'll likely take things slow and one step at a time.
As with normal relationships, you don't need to have the exact same list of likes and dislikes for it to work. You just have to know what your deal breakers are.

I think there's variables but the main questions are:

How important are things to you?  For example fetishes you have that they don't appear to be into - would you be happy to omit that? Equally if they seem to be into something you are not, how opposed are you to doing it?

How important are things to them? Same question, other way round

and of course

How exclusive is the relationship going to be?

So in terms of, like, just play partners - it might not be necessary to tick every box if you or they are free to do mismatched fetishes/activities elsewhere

Similar can also apply if in any form of relationship.  


These is all helpfull ūü§Ē I know what a deal breaker is in general terms but in Fetish terms not really?!? Not sure how selfist or selfish I'm allowed to be?!? There are things that I know I'd enjoy and have partly done in the past and some new stuff like CBT I think would be ideal for me although it's potentially dangerous) but where I'm getting messages they don't really care what my Fetishes are and what id like to do they just eXpect me to be a signpost to their desires & Fetishes which is making me lose site of my own goals!!! I've done stuff kinda on demand where it was some guys fetish but I got paid for that kinda stuff plus there was an element of challenge plus gaining eXperience of that fetish/situation I don't seem to get to choose.....I know that lists won't match up exactly but what are the degrees?!? I don't really know myself well enough as a person but I want to be the trans-master whatever that I am rather than some stereotype out of a magazine!!! Because it should increase my confidence in myself not in someone else.....maybe I should just do whatever peeps want to get more experience?!?¬†

2 hours ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

in Fetish terms not really?!? Not sure how selfist or selfish I'm allowed to be?!?

it really does boil to context.  

I sometimes say some of my limits are variable.   But there's some that are more rigid and no one is going to get me to shift on them and if that is a dealbreaker to a relationship it is a dealbreaker and the play or relationship doesn't happen

There's nothing wrong with doing something for a partner - many people do - but if one person is regularly doing something they don't enjoy for their partner, there is something wrong here.


You'll be surprised at what you'll do if you meet and connect with the right one. 

Its all about communication. Just know your deal breakers. 

Aside from being dominant, the only thing that matters to me is the connection. I don't have a checklist of what I need. I've always found that if the connection is great - so is the kink! Things develop with the right person. Any man who starts off giving me a checklist or asking me for a list of what I'm after - is not someone for me. My profile has the basics, that's enough.
Posted (edited)

This question is like how long is a piece of string. It's different for everyone. 

I would say, if you lack experience, perhaps consider doing the questionnaire (BDSMTest*) which will give you some ideas of what you might like. Then think about things that you absolutely will not, under any circumstances, do. These will be your hard limits. Next will be things that you might do, with the right person, under the right circumstances, but otherwise, no. They would be your soft limits. 

Please understand that everyone has the right to say no to anything they wish to, regardless of gender, identity, dynamic (unless it is consensually agreed upon within that dynamic, that the right to say no is withdrawn) or any other identifier. 

For me, personally, I need a connection with someone in order to have a dynamic with them. Trust builds over time and play can become more intense as time goes on. My hard limits will remain so. Anyone who breaks them is gone.

People are not kink dispensers and should not be treated as such. Just because you're at the beginning of your kink journey does not mean others get to trample all over you. Unless you want them too of course!

Edited by Deleted Member
*External link removed
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