The dependency paradox

[Deleted Member]

There we were, a thousand feet above the ground, we had everything with us, QuickDraws, cams, friends, nuts.. everything. All in the pursuit of climbing this cliff.
My climbing partner was one I had climbed many many climbs with in the past and I trusted her completely, she trusted me. I knew that if I fell, she would have my back, she literally held my life in her hands.
Because I trusted her, I was able to free my mind from if something went wrong, to just finding the best route.
I looked at the line we had been following, there was a y in the crack, I had to make a decision. We had mapped out the climb before we came, picturing in our minds the path we had taken thus far. I didn’t remember this part, I took the oath to the left, relying on years of climbing experience and again on my partner below.
As I placed the protection in to the crack…. I thought about life. About some of my other maybe more “darker” or kinky thoughts.

Climbing is like a relationship or like a dynamic.
You have to bring the right things with you, in climbing we bring carabiners and rope, harnesses and helmets. In relationships we bring therapy, or healing, our past experiences, our selfs; we bring tools that have been proven to work, kindness, communication, service. In a dynamic it is quite similar.. everyone has baggage, sometimes these are good, and sometimes is weighs things down.

So i got distracted on my route, and as I stopped to think about this.. I lost my balance, I fell, my belayer, as she had done thousands of times before, caught me.
Because of her watchfulness and the communication we set up, it was easy for her to recognize the signs of me about to fall.

When we choose a playmate, or a partner, sometimes we learn right away, yes this person has my back, or no this person won’t.
The secret to finding a lasting relationship or dynamic, is to find someone that is dependable, and let that person depend on you.
There is something incredibly beautiful that happens, when two dependable people are with each other, they empower each other to be more and more independent without compromising the need for the dependency. (Hence the term dependency paradox)

At the end of the day as we sat at the top of the climb and looked out from that great height we both knew that we had accomplished something great together. We relied on each other several times, and together we completed this climb.

[Deleted Member]

This what I think life is 2 people climbing to the top together is a special bond and very important to grow and let it blossom🧚🏻‍♀️             I could not have put it in better words.

[Deleted Member]

I love this so much! What an amazing thing to share with your partner, and what a sense of independence! There is certainly something to be said for honest communication! Cheers to you both!

[V-****]

Yes, climbing is very intimate, intimacy between your present and inner self, and the feeling after taking a fall feels refreshing and mind clearing, as you are birthed again for a new beginning.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, ThickSub4U said:

I love this so much! What an amazing thing to share with your partner, and what a sense of independence! There is certainly something to be said for honest communication! Cheers to you both!

She is my climbing buddy, as far as a life partner, or any type of dynamic, I think that lessons can be learned or possibly paralleled with climbing.

[Deleted Member]

This is a perfect analogy for expansive healthy dynamics in intimate exchange. Two people are coming together exposing their vulnerability in the role they play in the moment and must develop trust in both their partner and themselves in the moments in order to progress past their limitations, ***s, and insecurities towards liberation and reward. You cannot achieve this if you do not invest time into building a solid foundation of trust and exchange with another before you begin exploring harder or more complex desires (or in climbing terms - routes + problems). Here in kink life there’s often an urgency to be reach the peak + receive the reward without investing the work, communication, or time to surrender to the edges met in the dance of building a trusting + reciprocally beneficial bond that allows two people’s needs to be met without inflicting harm.

[Deleted Member]

Love this Feral, beautifully put x

[ey****]

I do feel there are further extensions to this.

That, for example, you would be both safer and happier doing this solo, than with someone who is unsuitable and/or unprepared

That, it's not impossible you would go out with a stranger - but - that that stranger has to be able to demonstrate some competence - or - there be a clear overwhelming reason why you'd want to help them

And, I guess, that there's little incentive to go out and do this with someone who wants to do this but expects every step micromanaged including you providing all the gear.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I do feel there are further extensions to this.

That, for example, you would be both safer and happier doing this solo, than with someone who is unsuitable and/or unprepared

That, it's not impossible you would go out with a stranger - but - that that stranger has to be able to demonstrate some competence - or - there be a clear overwhelming reason why you'd want to help them

And, I guess, that there's little incentive to go out and do this with someone who wants to do this but expects every step micromanaged including you providing all the gear.

Very true, in climbing you essentially place yourself and life in the other persons hands.
The dependency paradox is defined as the more we fully depend upon our partner and trust them as our secure base, the more independent we are able to be.
Modern western culture has assumed that dependency is harmful, and unhealthy, and is sometimes associated with a physiological deficiency in the people involved (Granted, dependency on the wrong person can lead to *** and that is unhealthy)
Climbing solo has definable risks, there is no belayer to rely on, if you fuck up, death is a very real consequence.
Climbing with an inexperienced partner, you don’t go and make your first climb a 5.14.. or if you do, it’s not a 500 ft multi pitch climb. You do have to trust the person you climb with. If there is no trust, you won’t be independent, and you won’t feel comfortable trying that hard climb. I believe that’s the main point of drawing a parallel between the dependency paradox and climbing.
Again climbing is extreme, and hopefully in a dynamic or a relationship if some one fucks up, no one dies.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I do feel there are further extensions to this.

That, for example, you would be both safer and happier doing this solo, than with someone who is unsuitable and/or unprepared

That, it's not impossible you would go out with a stranger - but - that that stranger has to be able to demonstrate some competence - or - there be a clear overwhelming reason why you'd want to help them

And, I guess, that there's little incentive to go out and do this with someone who wants to do this but expects every step micromanaged including you providing all the gear.

Well I wrote something completely amazing.. and I relied on the app to post it..
and just as the dependency paradox states.. if you depend on the wrong person.. you can’t be truly independent… I was thwarted by my dependence on the app.
Lol.

[FETMOD-KF]

Just as a heads up.  Posts from the App and in the Kink Academy forum all need to be approved before publish to make sure they're in line with Google and Apple rules. 

So, it's just a case of patience some days - sorry! 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FETMOD-KF said:

Just as a heads up.  Posts from the App and in the Kink Academy forum all need to be approved before publish to make sure they're in line with Google and Apple rules. 

So, it's just a case of patience some days - sorry! 

See, this is an example of effective communication.
They had my back, but I needed to learn as well.
You all are more than welcomed to climb with me.. (I’ll take the newer climbers on easy climbs to start off with)

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 11:09 AM, queen-jess said:

This is a perfect analogy for expansive healthy dynamics in intimate exchange. Two people are coming together exposing their vulnerability in the role they play in the moment and must develop trust in both their partner and themselves in the moments in order to progress past their limitations, ***s, and insecurities towards liberation and reward. You cannot achieve this if you do not invest time into building a solid foundation of trust and exchange with another before you begin exploring harder or more complex desires (or in climbing terms - routes + problems). Here in kink life there’s often an urgency to be reach the peak + receive the reward without investing the work, communication, or time to surrender to the edges met in the dance of building a trusting + reciprocally beneficial bond that allows two people’s needs to be met without inflicting harm.

You said it so much more eloquently.. love this.

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 11:36 AM, Bathblonde said:

Love this Feral, beautifully put x

Thank you! You rock!

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 03:43 AM, melancholy_sub said:

Yes, climbing is very intimate, intimacy between your present and inner self, and the feeling after taking a fall feels refreshing and mind clearing, as you are birthed again for a new beginning.

Taking a fall is hard, smashing into the rock, the adrenaline that comes from it.. I find that you have to almost start climbing again almost immediately, shake your self off, get back to the mental state you had, figure out where you went wrong, and get back at it.

If your belayer is good, you haven’t lost much ground… they caught you quickly.
If the belayer is bad, you fell further, the *** becomes more, it’s harder to get right back to the problem..

You can totally take this and apply it to dynamics or relationships.

[Deleted Member]

Saturday at 09:44 AM, Dustykat said:

This what I think life is 2 people climbing to the top together is a special bond and very important to grow and let it blossom🧚🏻‍♀️             I could not have put it in better words.

Life can definitely be 2 people working together, and they have each other backs..
that takes time.. it’s not instantaneous.

You rock!!
As I chase ..