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The Middle me

kree90

By kree90
in Kink Academy

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kree90

kree90

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Little Space never felt right to me. I don't identify with littles or regress to a younger age, though I did discover earlier this year/late last year that I had little tendencies. Still, it didn't really describe *me*. I'm still learning about BDSM, still trying new things and having new experiences (thank you, love) but when I wondered into an article called "Little or Middle" I realized how much of myself was in that article.
Middle me isn't a separate part that I fall into sometimes. It's who I am at my core. It's who you meet when my armor comes off and you catch me laughing loudly. It's me when I've binge watched zombie shows for two days straight when life isn't demanding anything out of me.
It's me that argues with my boyfriend/Dom about the punishment I'm trying to get out of (that I totally deserve, to be honest, but we both love it). When I'm teasing him or getting dressed up for him or bratting.
It's me when I'm in total heaven at the Dollar Tree or 5 and Below. When I'm crafting and gardening, making bath bombs and jewelry.
I'm sensitive and have moments where I hide under my blanket at the big bad world that feels too much in those moments. I talk to random dogs while walking down the street but shy away from people unless I feel like I can adult. I still like the things I did when I was late ***s. I've been debating for years whether or not to hang posters on my wall because I really like them but feel like I'm too old for it.
I feel like this term "Middle" gives me the freedom I have been searching for. To be all these parts of my personality and know that I am not alone. Just like "submissive" did when I learned that's what I am, what I've always been. Both are who I am at the core of me.
I'm grateful for being able to put a term to who I am, even if both are broad terms and unique to each of us. I'm grateful that my boyfriend/Dom encourages me to be me and I don't have to hide a single part of me or feel bad for a single part of me.
I'm interested and excited to see what else I discover and can put names to. Terms aren't for everyone, but for someone with mental health issues (depression, cptsd, anxiety) it really helps to name things. Having a name for it makes it real, makes it more than just in my head, makes it something I can overcome. So, I'm learning that terms are for me. I'm learning that who I am is perfectly fine.

Deleted Member

Posted
Isn’t it wonderful when we stumble onto something that makes one more piece of the complex puzzle that we all are, fall into place? That’s how I felt when I read a post from someone about being Demi-sexual and suddenly certain things about the way I am started making more sense.
Reading through your post , the word early childhood cptsd kept swirling in my head, until I read the last paragraph. You know, I just want to say, well done for being brave enough to recognise your ‘permanent middle’ and for understanding that even though that’s something that can be changed with the right support , for now, it can also be a peaceful, temporary home. Sending you hugs
AKA_Copper

AKA_Copper

Posted
Thank you for your thoughts/post. I've been asked before if I'm a little and my instant reaction was no, not having considered/understood it. A question re littles was posted a while back and it didn't really get a response. Your comments about yourself are, I found, really interesting/insightful.
Lo****

Lo****

Posted
Thank you so much for posting this. Yes, terms sometimes are too restrictive but every now and then we see ourselves in that mirror and feel less alone.
Ma****

Ma****

Posted
I think in my own decision,we should make something possible in ourselves
kree90

kree90

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13 hours ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

Isn’t it wonderful when we stumble onto something that makes one more piece of the complex puzzle that we all are, fall into place? That’s how I felt when I read a post from someone about being Demi-sexual and suddenly certain things about the way I am started making more sense.
Reading through your post , the word early childhood cptsd kept swirling in my head, until I read the last paragraph. You know, I just want to say, well done for being brave enough to recognise your ‘permanent middle’ and for understanding that even though that’s something that can be changed with the right support , for now, it can also be a peaceful, temporary home. Sending you hugs

Thank you so much! My boyfriend asked me if I did regress to a younger age, and I'd put in this post I did not and said to him the same thing, but I'm rethinking that based on behaviors. Yes, I will always love horror and crafting and gardening and all the things that make up me. I will always be sensitive and empathetic. But those moments where I hide, when I'm too overwhelmed to do one more adult thing...I think that's both me dissociating (splitting) and regressing to the ***age me that was hurt since I was much smaller.  Cptsd is a result of not being able to move out of harms way, being stuck in an abusive situation. Around that age is when I could wiggle (not move, but realize I wouldn't be stuck forever) but I wasn't able to grow from that age until recently. Until I became so self aware I had no choice but to move.

I want to help others. I am in my last year of a BA for psych.  It's important that I accept all of these parts of myself before I can help others do the same.

kree90

kree90

Posted
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5 hours ago, Lola-Burns said:

Thank you so much for posting this. Yes, terms sometimes are too restrictive but every now and then we see ourselves in that mirror and feel less alone.

Thank you for the reply! Terms can certainly be suffocating, but as you said, every now and again...it was so nice to see that this is a community of people, people just like me. That I am not alone.

kree90

kree90

Posted
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6 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Thank you for your thoughts/post. I've been asked before if I'm a little and my instant reaction was no, not having considered/understood it. A question re littles was posted a while back and it didn't really get a response. Your comments about yourself are, I found, really interesting/insightful.

I'm glad you found this helpful! I'm a little mixed still when I think of being a middle. I think that stems from trauma and it being shame-based. A lot of things about myself were always made out to be bad, like being so sensitive and feeling like I was emotionally stunted. Which, I was/am. I'm working through trauma that kept me a prisoner for a long, long time, and now I'm growing. But these parts of me are ME, and it's so nice to be able to be them without judgment. It's so nice to have a safe space, something I have lacked my entire life. I found a super helpful blog about middles if you would like the link to it! Just let me know and I'll message it to you.

AKA_Copper

AKA_Copper

Posted
2 hours ago, kree90 said:

I'm glad you found this helpful! I'm a little mixed still when I think of being a middle. I think that stems from trauma and it being shame-based. A lot of things about myself were always made out to be bad, like being so sensitive and feeling like I was emotionally stunted. Which, I was/am. I'm working through trauma that kept me a prisoner for a long, long time, and now I'm growing. But these parts of me are ME, and it's so nice to be able to be them without judgment. It's so nice to have a safe space, something I have lacked my entire life. I found a super helpful blog about middles if you would like the link to it! Just let me know and I'll message it to you.

That would be great if you wouldn't mind?

ga****

ga****

Posted
This!!! I identify as a little because it makes the subby brain happy but a middle is for sure
Ro****

Ro****

Posted
Reading through everything it’s like I could’ve written it. It started to bring tears to my eyes because I lacked that safe space growing up and now have the consequences of the traumas: anxiety and PTSD.
  • 2 weeks later...
cu****

cu****

Posted
Thank you for sharing this I’m new to all of this and was very confused about if I fit in to these and this has made me feel less confused and now know I’m not alone In This feeling of it just being me
  • 11 months later...
  • 5 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...
Ne****

Ne****

Posted
December 1, 2021, kree90 said:

Thank you so much! My boyfriend asked me if I did regress to a younger age, and I'd put in this post I did not and said to him the same thing, but I'm rethinking that based on behaviors. Yes, I will always love horror and crafting and gardening and all the things that make up me. I will always be sensitive and empathetic. But those moments where I hide, when I'm too overwhelmed to do one more adult thing...I think that's both me dissociating (splitting) and regressing to the ***age me that was hurt since I was much smaller.  Cptsd is a result of not being able to move out of harms way, being stuck in an abusive situation. Around that age is when I could wiggle (not move, but realize I wouldn't be stuck forever) but I wasn't able to grow from that age until recently. Until I became so self aware I had no choice but to move.

I want to help others. I am in my last year of a BA for psych.  It's important that I accept all of these parts of myself before I can help others do the same.

Wow. This, along with OP, has helped me immensely. Thank you all.

  • 10 months later...
ra****

ra****

Posted
I feel this! I age slide quite a lot within structural dissociation, cptsd and dx DID with a large and ever-changing system. One of our core parts that always stays is our primary middle, that goes between 11-15 typically and is much more confident and curious about sensual play with our partners (in and out of headspace) and enjoys creating spicy art. After some trauma in high school with transphobic people equating us to being inherently pervy and therefore 'dangerous' we gained a new primary host that was kind of an uwu *** trans boy who adamantly avoided sexual topics in *** of rejection or making others feel unsafe, or inciting further harassment -not only from our ***rs and school staff, but their family members as well- who were so quick to crucify us for accidentally cracking their lgbtq+ child's egg and allowing them to feel safe coming out. There's this nostalgia for the version of me before I was seen as a scary trans man and she just is so sapphic and bisexual and primary loves other gnc sapphics. I'm so much happier and secure now I've found a partner that doesn't expect me to have my 25 y/o mental/emotional capacity available 24/7. It's eased a lot of guilt and anxiety in the dynamic. I can be multigender and my mental age can be fluid- I don't need to continue to shame myself for a hardwiring in my brain, especially if I can explore these parts of us in a safe setting with others enthusiastically willing to connect with us. Grateful for forums for better bdsm education ☺️
  • 1 year later...

Deleted Member

Posted
This I can relate with. I'm still only just discovering this side of myself as well so thank you for bringing this up.
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