Looking for thoughts?

[Jax-1988]

Hello :)

So to be honest I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I'll start with this, I'm 33, straight, married, 2 kids, and I'm pretty happy with most aspects with my life. My main issues are with my sex life, as with many. Before my wife I had a pretty exciting sex life. 3somes, 4 somes, dating 2 bi women, nothing was really of the table. My sex life was pretty fire, usually connected to a very not fire relationship. I tried something different and found that my current wife was everything else that I wanted, but very vanilla. There isn't an ounce of bi curious in her, she doesn't instigate sex much, its usually the same sex, she doesn't spent a lot of time focusing on her getting off and doesn't prefer that I do for her either. Essentially, sex just really isn't that important to her and she indulges me. Before everyone here launches into sex advice (pleasure her, ask her what she wants, talk to her about it, try exploring sexually, toys, make time for yourselves, etc, etc, etc....) I have already dug deep into the internet, and into communicating with her, and now I'm here. The reality is that I'm married and don't want to cheat on her physically, but sexually I am much more than vanilla. No shame, and not proud of it, but when we were first dating I would talk to other women with no intentions of ever meeting them, share photos, be open about sexual stuff, and let that side roam without ever crossing lines, and it was enough. I haven't done that in years, wouldn't know how to find someone like that, and not sure how I would handle it. I think while I'm rambling here the best word to describe it is I wish I just had an outlet to be open and *** about that stuff with. Someone you can trust to be bare, dangerous, exciting, sexual, exposed, ***, open, no judgement, but also not looking to get anything from. I always felt like I would have loved being a nudist. I get that lifestyle. Open, nothing to hide, and ***. But alas that is not the life I live in now. Anyways, enough ranting. Thoughts?

[Koby]

Speak to your wife?

That's the only solution, sounds like you don't want to cheat but you also need an outlet for your own sexual needs.

 

From that conversation, you will find your solution!!

[Deleted Member]

Sounds to me like you are wanting members here to say its OK, persue contacting other people, we support you & it's not physical so it's not cheating.

You knew from the start your wife didn't have the same sexual fantasies, desires & kinks you do, that's why you were contacting other people at the start of your relationship & then progressed to marry a woman you knew wasn't sexual compatible & now you're looping back to its ok if I do it online as it's not cheating is it, as its not physical, but for me, & I'm sure it would be the case for your wife, from the moment you even think about it, get aroused by it & aren't honest to your partner about it, then that's cheating & you're having the thoughts of the dishonesty because you were never honest in the first place with your wife about the kind of sexual desires & needs you knew you had that she didn't share.

[Matttster]

You are married and have two kids and now your wife is not fulfilling your sexual desires? If she was “too vanilla” for you, you should have not married her and had children with her. Being an adult and in a relationship means sacrifices.

As noted by someone else, you could talk to your wife about your desires. But while (or before) talking about them, what about her desires? Before you start complaining about her not meeting your needs, are you fulfilling her needs (not just sexually)?

[Dancingbear225]

If you are so desperately unhappy, and feel that the situation cannot be saved, get a divorce. At no time and under any circumstances can cheating ever improve a situation. It's complicated, adds drama and ***. On top of all that it always explodes all over your life bringing down your entire family dynamic. Cheating online is still cheating, and is the gateway to physical and reality cheating. Talk to your wife, if she doesn't want to join your reindeer games see if she'll give you her blessing to play with other playmates. If she knows and agrees and you follow the rules you create together then you are not cheating.

[Shenna]

Tbh I would speak to your wife about your feelings. You've been open and honest to write on here.
Maybe it's time what you wrote here, that you tell her exactly how you feel.
Have you maybe considered that she maybe hormonal or just lacking sex drive. I knew someone who had children before children sex life was wild. After children the thought of sex repulsed her.
Whole part of the relationship if you've done this with other people as a couple she may come to understand how you feel. She and you may come up with an agreement that maybe you can both agree on.
But part of this is trust, honesty and being open.

[All3n]

I'm not married, nor in a strong relationship, my thought is that she is your wife, your partner, your love, you know the best way to set her down to explain so she understands your need. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh, so this is a thing that not only fills your heart but you desire to share it with her, to live it with her, to trust her with it, and to grow in it with her.
So friend be strong, talk with your wife, lay bear the desire of your heart and explain in "her" love language what it is that you need to change in your lives to be a better, husband, father, partner and lover.
But again my advice is from one who is not where you stand.

[Deleted Member]

Can you fast forward a year in your head if you did start talking dirty to someone? Imagine how your wife might feel if she found out. Would she see it as cheating? What would happen? You are old enough to know what happens when you go down this road. Lying doesn't feel good. You will want more. Your wife will find out at some point.

You can call it what you want but it will be cheating. If you've tried everything else with your wife then be upfront and say this is what I want to do - this is how important sex is to me. Non-monogamy can work. Try to be ethical about it. But be prepared to do the work with her.

[Dancingbear225]

41 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said:

Can you fast forward a year in your head if you did start talking dirty to someone? Imagine how your wife might feel if she found out. Would she see it as cheating? What would happen? You are old enough to know what happens when you go down this road. Lying doesn't feel good. You will want more. Your wife will find out at some point.

You can call it what you want but it will be cheating. If you've tried everything else with your wife then be upfront and say this is what I want to do - this is how important sex is to me. Non-monogamy can work. Try to be ethical about it. But be prepared to do the work with her.

Very well said