Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 I'm curious to see if others think I am overreacting. From several people recently I have been told, right at the beginning of discussions with a potential Dom, that they are not looking to text back and forth too much before meeting in person to see if we have a connection. To them, they are apparently setting expectations and I guess warning me away if I am a potential time waster? To me it is just a giant red flag. What it says to me is I am not interested in taking the time it takes for you to be comfortable to meet me in real life, whether that's three days or whether that's three weeks or whether that's 3 months. I could perhaps understand if I had been chatting to someone for a long time I was still reluctant to meet, but this is being said to me very early doors. My reaction thus far has been to tell them it's a red flag to me and end the conversation, because I feel it's indicative of a bad attitude. Am I being unfair?
mr**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 I personally don’t think you’re being unfair at all Char. If a D is too impatient to get to know you and make sure you’re comfortable before wanting to meet then I think it’s right to be concerned. Many do prefer to get to know someone in person than online but at the same time that only works if both parties are comfortable with that. You are protecting yourself by wanting a period of talking before meeting and if they can’t understand that then they aren’t worth your time.
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 Being on the dom it's a lot of "sub" who went to role play over text with no interest in ever meeting but they are never upfront about this fact the ghost or block you without a word it can be very hard to tell serious people for the I read 50 shady of grey tells text
ey**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 I suspect their perspective may be that they have had previous people they've swapped messages with that eventually fizzled out and so they want to, I dunno... avoid putting in effort only for it to go nowhere so, yeah, I would see this as an afront to somewhere between laziness and trying to pressure you to agree to meet quicker.
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 But never should the *** a meeting before someone is comfortable or ready
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: I suspect their perspective may be that they have had previous people they've swapped messages with that eventually fizzled out and so they want to, I dunno... avoid putting in effort only for it to go nowhere so, yeah, I would see this as an afront to somewhere between laziness and trying to pressure you to agree to meet quicker. This is my issue at its core I think, it gives me the impression that they are already starting with me from a position of judgment. I've done nothing to deserve that. I can understand being jaded, I've had my fair share of being messed about, but I keep it to myself and don't throw it like an accusation at somebody new who could genuinely be a good connection.
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, Lady_Char said: This is my issue at its core I think, it gives me the impression that they are already starting with me from a position of judgment. I've done nothing to deserve that. I can understand being jaded, I've had my fair share of being messed about, but I keep it to myself and don't throw it like an accusation at somebody new who could genuinely be a good connection. After a lot of the same thing over and over it can be hard not to judge someone by past experiences
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 3 minutes ago, Fuzybear22 said: After a lot of the same thing over and over it can be hard not to judge someone by past experiences How is it helpful to poison new interactions with that, tho? You are killing things before they start.
mr**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 5 minutes ago, Fuzybear22 said: After a lot of the same thing over and over it can be hard not to judge someone by past experiences I think this is flawed logic, personally (sorry). Each interaction with a new person should be a clean slate, you need to put any previous experience prejudices to one side and start afresh.
Ar**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 No, you aren't overreacting or being unfair. Too many people want to meet up too quickly. I recognise that some people may have been jaded by past experiences but I really don't consider that a valid excuse. I mean, people have fizzled out and let me down before but I don't hold that against the next person I'm chatting with - I still want to talk with them and see if we get along before I think about meeting them, not the other way around. I'm pretty sure the fellas who try to push people into meeting quickly are usually the sketchy ones who are expecting an easy bit of fun, or worse - dangerous.
Taz2287 Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 As a dom I prefer chatting online and get to know the person a little before chatting by text or on the phone then eventually meet you need to get to know a person to find out if you have similar interests and you’re going to be compatible then you meet in person and it should be just like talking on the phone or online there should be no rush to meet in person right off the bat
Lo**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 5 minutes ago, mre5 said: I think this is flawed logic, personally (sorry). Each interaction with a new person should be a clean slate, you need to put any previous experience prejudices to one side and start afresh. Partly, I agree that it’s not always helpful to bring previous experiences with you when you’re talking to new people. On the other hand, why would you not use the benefit of past experience to help you to judge who is likely to mess you around?
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 8 minutes ago, mre5 said: I think this is flawed logic, personally (sorry). Each interaction with a new person should be a clean slate, you need to put any previous experience prejudices to one side and start afresh. Easier said then done! Also you miss understand me this should not be done right away or in a ***ful way bit honesty is a good thing! They will have a hard time doing it like that out of the gate and they will learn or be away and think Lady_Char telling them no is the right thing if she is not comfortable with it
ge**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 You're not being unfair, nor are you overreacting, by sticking to *your* principles and how *you* choose to operate your profile.... . ....however nor are they being unfair by operating *their* profile how *they* choose and so long as they are not pressuring you in any way to conform to their way of doing things, then the *only* thing here is an incompatibility of approach, and as a result an incompatibility for things to develop. . In fact you could argue they are being very fair by making the way they operate clear from the start, rather than it being an assumption about you as such. . There are some people on sites like this (both men and women) who prefer to move to an in person meeting fairly quickly, and others who prefer to take their time and get to know people on-line first, and yet more who are happy to go with the flow on an individual basis and will sometimes meet quickly, sometimes take their time - none of those approaches are wrong, or even a "general" red flag, though it may be an "individual" red flag between two people who have different approaches. Ultimately though it's down to each of us as individuals to decide what is right for us and if someone else isn't matched to our way of doing things, then it's either time to bring a halt to proceedings or find a compromise.
mr**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, Lockfairy said: Partly, I agree that it’s not always helpful to bring previous experiences with you when you’re talking to new people. On the other hand, why would you not use the benefit of past experience to help you to judge who is likely to mess you around? That’s a little different; using experience to identify certain behaviours (good or bad) is one thing, coming in with poor expectations from the start due to past experiences is completely another.
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 4 minutes ago, gemini_man said: You're not being unfair, nor are you overreacting, by sticking to *your* principles and how *you* choose to operate your profile.... . ....however nor are they being unfair by operating *their* profile how *they* choose and so long as they are not pressuring you in any way to conform to their way of doing things, then the *only* thing here is an incompatibility of approach, and as a result an incompatibility for things to develop. . In fact you could argue they are being very fair by making the way they operate clear from the start, rather than it being an assumption about you as such. . There are some people on sites like this (both men and women) who prefer to move to an in person meeting fairly quickly, and others who prefer to take their time and get to know people on-line first, and yet more who are happy to go with the flow on an individual basis and will sometimes meet quickly, sometimes take their time - none of those approaches are wrong, or even a "general" red flag, though it may be an "individual" red flag between two people who have different approaches. Ultimately though it's down to each of us as individuals to decide what is right for us and if someone else isn't matched to our way of doing things, then it's either time to bring a halt to proceedings or find a compromise. How very dare you be rational and fair to the opposition! 🤣 I think if it was said in a profile, I would have no issue with it and I would just read it and know that that person is not for me. Somehow it feels like telling me in private message is somehow different. It adds a flutter of pressure. I tend to meet people quite quickly if I am interested in them, but the notion that they have this hard and fast rule is uncomfortable to me. It doesn't leave much space for them seeing me as an individual and treating me as such.
Deleted Member Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 Nope ur not and it's been the same with me n have been told I'm overreacting or im not what they r looking for after we been talking for a bit
ge**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 17 minutes ago, Lady_Char said: How very dare you be rational and fair to the opposition! 🤣 I think if it was said in a profile, I would have no issue with it and I would just read it and know that that person is not for me. Somehow it feels like telling me in private message is somehow different. It adds a flutter of pressure. I tend to meet people quite quickly if I am interested in them, but the notion that they have this hard and fast rule is uncomfortable to me. It doesn't leave much space for them seeing me as an individual and treating me as such. But again it basically comes back to two people with different approaches - I get what you're saying about how it might "feel" expressed just as a conversation is starting, but think the way you have to try and look at it is a sign of incompatibility and nothing more.
StrictMaster44 Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 Not unfair at all. To me, I would call it "rushing" into a relationship and you can not rush it. You really should message for a while to make sure there is a true connection between both of you before meeting. That's my thought
Dr**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 To me, you reacted fine. I want to know my partner before first play. Whether texting, online or actual conversation if I meet them at event. Knowing your partner before first play is a good thing, building trust, building connection, etc. If they want you to jump in head first, then they need to look at themselves first. Those are signs of fake Doms. "Submit to me before you meet or even talk" That's not how a Dom works. I met someone, in person, and still have text conversation before I play her to make her comfortable and build trust. Even in first session I sit down and discuss anything I missed in messages. Protect yourself before anyone else
DeviantInside Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 You have every right to engage or not engage with anyone. Not unfair in the slightest. You aren't doing anything different from what they are doing when they say they are setting expectations etc... just that you have different expectations and reasons for them. Knowing what works for you and finding someone that understands and gels with that is a key part of all of this.
Vi**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 2 hours ago, Lady_Char said: I'm curious to see if others think I am overreacting. From several people recently I have been told, right at the beginning of discussions with a potential Dom, that they are not looking to text back and forth too much before meeting in person to see if we have a connection. To them, they are apparently setting expectations and I guess warning me away if I am a potential time waster? To me it is just a giant red flag. What it says to me is I am not interested in taking the time it takes for you to be comfortable to meet me in real life, whether that's three days or whether that's three weeks or whether that's 3 months. I could perhaps understand if I had been chatting to someone for a long time I was still reluctant to meet, but this is being said to me very early doors. My reaction thus far has been to tell them it's a red flag to me and end the conversation, because I feel it's indicative of a bad attitude. Am I being unfair? No I don't think you are being unfair at all, if they want a dynamic with you they need to listen to your needs also, I'd see it as a reg flag aswell, why the rush. I had a guy who I said I dont want another "friend" I prefer to meet. Just all about what he wanted. I mean how awful of you to want to get to know them a bit first. 🤔
Vi**** Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 2 hours ago, Lady_Char said: I'm curious to see if others think I am overreacting. From several people recently I have been told, right at the beginning of discussions with a potential Dom, that they are not looking to text back and forth too much before meeting in person to see if we have a connection. To them, they are apparently setting expectations and I guess warning me away if I am a potential time waster? To me it is just a giant red flag. What it says to me is I am not interested in taking the time it takes for you to be comfortable to meet me in real life, whether that's three days or whether that's three weeks or whether that's 3 months. I could perhaps understand if I had been chatting to someone for a long time I was still reluctant to meet, but this is being said to me very early doors. My reaction thus far has been to tell them it's a red flag to me and end the conversation, because I feel it's indicative of a bad attitude. Am I being unfair? No I don't think you are being unfair at all, if they want a dynamic with you they need to listen to your needs also, I'd see it as a reg flag aswell, why the rush. I had a guy who I said I dont want another "friend" I prefer to meet. Just all about what he wanted. I mean how awful of you to want to get to know them a bit first. 🤔
CopperKnob Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 Not unfair, it's a red flag for me. It says "I'm not willing to listen/hear/understand your point of view or compromise" How does that create comfortability if they are in fact potential play partners/partners. It translates to "I'll not be paying attention to your boundaries/limits in real life" It may sound harsh but everything is a conversation
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