How to be a good dom

[Deleted Member]

I'm interested in being a Dom. What do I need to learn first and how should I get started?

[cl****]

Well limits are things you don’t do. Next is finding out if you’re a top, Dom/daddy or master. Tops are sexual based, there’s really nothing outside the bedroom there. Doms are literally the dominant in the relationship. We provide guidance, help mold our sub(s), and provide care for them. Masters are typically associated with slaves. And as tempting as slaves sound even slaves have limits and boundaries. Next is to realize that a Dom isn’t just going to get their way all the time when they want it. This is how you damage subs and hurt the culture. I would recommend going to YouTube, at the least at watching experienced doms give their advice, or finding a in person Dom willing to teach.

[Deleted Member]

There are many types of roles but there is always a Top role (Dominant) . And a bottom role (submissive). Think of the Dynamic as driving a car. The Dominant steers. While the submissive works the gas and brakes.
At first glance it would seem that the Dominant is in control. But it’s actually a very beautiful coordinated effort by two trusting partners.
The key to success is clear communication from both. Defined boundaries, clear agreement on where the relationship is headed. And respecting when the brakes are applied.
The submissive doesn’t owe the Dominant their surrender. The Dominant earns it by creating an environment that is safe and healthy.
If you aren’t in agreement with your submissive the relationship won’t last. If you are going against the consent of the submissive you aren’t a Dom. You are just an abuser. Good luck with this life style, look for Facebook groups that understand the dynamics I just laid out for you. And join them.

[Ti****]

Stay safe, sane and consensual and aftercare is essential are good rules to remember

[Lord_Talion]

Limits, consent
K ow yourself before trying to know someone else

[ey****]

48 minutes ago, clevesdaddy said:

Tops are sexual based, there’s really nothing outside the bedroom there.

no necessarily true at all

among anything else there are plenty of people who enjoy activities in a way that people would call them a Top - but - they are not motivated by sex in any way shape or form.

 

[ey****]

in terms of what to learn first or getting started

I think if you are asking these questions you are some way off.

But. What interests you about being a Dominant? What does that look like to you?   

How would a relationship with you benefit a submissive?

In kinda what to learn first... a lot depends on what the Dominant you are to become looks like.  There's no part going out and learning advance shibari if you have no real interest in rope work

Learn from and observe others. What do their relationships look like?  Consider attending munches and getting involved in a local community, that, if nothing else to get other people's knowledge and experience on board - whilst, closer to home, this website itself is full of different magazine articles about kink which provide a wealth of learning

Subs tend to be uninterested in inexperienced Dominants unless they have an otherwise good connection or rapport with them (a kinda "learn together" thing) so if you do happen to approach anyone, remember it's about rapport and honesty rather than kink.

 

[ca****]

Don't demand submission, don't order girls around that you haven't gained submission or consent from, chat, get to know people and make sure they're safe, sane and know what risks are involved I kinks (you may want to google "SSC Rack Prick" and educate yourself on those). Think of your own limits and limitations as well as what you'll offer in terms of kinks (what your capable of and know how to do well) and your aftercare needs and offering.
Enjoy it and above all don't be a d**k 😁

[ge****]

21 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

in terms of what to learn first or getting started

I think if you are asking these questions you are some way off.

But. What interests you about being a Dominant? What does that look like to you?   

How would a relationship with you benefit a submissive?

In kinda what to learn first... a lot depends on what the Dominant you are to become looks like.  There's no part going out and learning advance shibari if you have no real interest in rope work

Learn from and observe others. What do their relationships look like?  Consider attending munches and getting involved in a local community, that, if nothing else to get other people's knowledge and experience on board - whilst, closer to home, this website itself is full of different magazine articles about kink which provide a wealth of learning

Subs tend to be uninterested in inexperienced Dominants unless they have an otherwise good connection or rapport with them (a kinda "learn together" thing) so if you do happen to approach anyone, remember it's about rapport and honesty rather than kink.

 

This completely!!
.
Would suggest taking about 5 steps back OP and understanding yourself and your own motivations first before even considering "being" a Dom - read, read and read some more, and just when you think you've read enough, yep you guessed it read some more - use sites like this, books, blogs and anything you can find on the subject (good and bad) to start to build an idea of what D/s means to you - get to the point where you can articulate to others what you are looking for and why.
.
Attend munches and events and talk to others, and so much more

[Ia****]

Practice patients and meditation! Do research about the things you’re curious about. Where you are is completely okay, be gentle with yourself as you learn and know that this is all about fun and play! So make sure that you’re doing everything you can to be safe and learn

[Ni****]

Research everything you can about the different types of Doms AND submissives, which helps you figure out what type of Dom you are, and which type of submissive you're interested in. Also research all the different kinks / fetishes to help you figure out what you're interested in, and what you're not - your Limits. Update your profile as you learn more about the above.

Once you've figured out what you like / don't like, and what sort of Ds relationship you're looking for (online only, bedroom only, 24/7, etc.) then message local submissives who match that. The best way to get a positive response is to be polite and say you'd love to chat, along with why .... that is, what about them / their profile made you message them.

Not all will reply, but some will. And it will almost certainly take time and lots of messages to lots of submissives before you find a potential match. But learn from every chat, and use this to refine your likes and dislikes.

Ds is a journey, and you're taking your first steps, but there's a long, hopefully fun and rewarding journey ahead.

Good luck !

[ey****]

also

patience is one of the best traits to have

learning is going to take time

developing skills is going to take time

and this is an ongoing process

building connections and relationships is going to take time whichever route you go down - and even if you got talking to someone tomorrow, who decides to actively help you, it's still going to take time and effort.  

[gr****]

Reading a lot about the kinks you are interested in from good sources. Spend time centering yourself with your emotions and thoughts. Meditation and self reflection on both positive and negative things will help. Maybe see if you can find a Dom to mentor you in your area.

[ge****]

Another point that hasn't been raised already OP - if you've decided you want to be a dominant because you've seen BDSM porn and that's what's informed your interest, then you may want to re-think.
.
On the whole BDSM porn isn't very realistic and presents the lifestyle in a very uninformed way to anyone new to the scene - and usually in quite extreme terms that make it seem as if it's all about the submissive doing whatever a dominant tells them to without negotiation, boundaries or limits and that couldn't be further from reality.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, greatimp99 said:

Reading a lot about the kinks you are interested in from good sources. Spend time centering yourself with your emotions and thoughts. Meditation and self reflection on both positive and negative things will help. Maybe see if you can find a Dom to mentor you in your area.

Totally agree with you- well put.

[Simon_says]

Fist thing I would be to.get clarity on what it is you want and what a dom.is to you.

Then when you read and research you will have a better understanding of where you are and where you need to get to.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Another point that hasn't been raised already OP - if you've decided you want to be a dominant because you've seen BDSM porn and that's what's informed your interest, then you may want to re-think.
.
On the whole BDSM porn isn't very realistic and presents the lifestyle in a very uninformed way to anyone new to the scene - and usually in quite extreme terms that make it seem as if it's all about the submissive doing whatever a dominant tells them to without negotiation, boundaries or limits and that couldn't be further from reality.

Very good point and glad your bring it up. Most BDSM porn I've seen doesn't interest me, it often looks more like abuse then mutual pleasure to me. I'm coming to this based on the experience and relationships I've had outside of the kink world. What I'm wanting is a relationships where there is the trust and communication that allows the sub to fully submit and the dom to feel fully trusted.

[sp****]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Another point that hasn't been raised already OP - if you've decided you want to be a dominant because you've seen BDSM porn and that's what's informed your interest, then you may want to re-think.
.
On the whole BDSM porn isn't very realistic and presents the lifestyle in a very uninformed way to anyone new to the scene - and usually in quite extreme terms that make it seem as if it's all about the submissive doing whatever a dominant tells them to without negotiation, boundaries or limits and that couldn't be further from reality.

Right

[Re****]

Respect and read about visual signs for limits

[CopperKnob]

On this app at least, go to the New To kink/BDSM forum and read the pinned post at the top as well as others. Note who the most common posters/commenters are, those are typically experienced people on both sides of the slash. Those are the comments to take on board/reflect on so you can build your own views
When you're ready go to munches and meet other kinksters, think, "who do I respect?" In terms of how they behave etc and maybe model yourself on them.
Have an enquiring mind, ask questions of yourself and others, recognise your shortcomings and seek support from others to grow.
Read, research and chat (platonically) to others, this will also build your thinking on different matters
Lastly, don't try to be a 'good Dom', all you need to be is a good person with good ethics, morals, values, communication skills and a robust understanding of various types of consent which you respect.

[Deleted Member]

What is my definition of a “good” DOM?

First, being someone’s DOM is something you have to earn. It is the biggest gift someone can ever give you, it is the gift of having your sub’s total trust and devotion.

A good DOM is a good listener and a good communicator. You must listen to your sub in order to understand what are her (in my case) needs and desires, how to satisfy her, how to comfort her, how far she can be pushed and challenged, what does she consents to, and what are the boundaries you shall not cross. You must pay attention to the details.

A good DOM needs to be direct, clear and authoritative with their instructions. You can’t expect results if you can’t convey your message.

A good DOM is a good manipulator. You need to know how to manipulate your sub, in a positive way, in order to push and challenge her.
You must learn her patterns, her reactions, the way she thinks, you always want to be one or three steps ahead of her. A bratty sub will constantly push the boundaries and you must be able to answer that challenge.

A good DOM must know and understand the difference between what USE is and what ABUSE is.
There are many who claims to be DOMs and have no idea what is the meaning and duties of a DOM. They only care about their self gratification, for them the sub is just another tool to make them feel empowered. They mostly don’t give a $H!T about the sub and think that abuse is submissive. Sometimes it is, when it’s done with consent, but this is not the case.

A “healthy” DOM-Sub relationship, even if it’s just in the bedroom, is one where both DOM and sub gain and benefit from.
A good DOM is one that can be creative and not repetitive. He must constantly think of ways to better himself and his sub, being able to create and answer to challenges .

One of the most important things DOM must practice is after care. During the act, the sub experience high levels of hormones and endorphins that will carry to the next day, the next week. That might be followed by a crush of full mix of emotions and moods, the DOM must not forget to follow up and make sure everything is okay and that the sub is safe. You have brought her to that emotional state, and in part you are responsible for her safety and well being.

A good DOM must need to know how to control their own emotions. They must be able to handle rejection, upsets, and failure. Learn a lesson from them and turn them into a positive.

A sub must understand that a good DOM is willing to dedicate himself to them, to their safety, to their pleasure, to their needs and to their guidance.
A good DOM will expose his deepest emotional and physical connection with their sub.
It should not be taken lightly!

[No****]

know and love your sub as yourself

[1G****]

Understand that as a Dom, while you may enjoy the things that you are doing as well, that in all actuality you are serving your sub in the way that she/he/they serve you...we all have needs that require another's participation.

A big one that I cannot stress enough is submission is earned! Don't become entitled do not feel that you are owed anything. Once submission is earned guard it, cherish it, and be thankful for it every day!

After care! So many new Doms ignore this one and it is so important! Without after care you risk severe pyschological and emotional trauma to your sub!

Remember the dynamic is so much more than whipping/spanking/punishment and then using your sub to masturbate with. The true dynamic lays within the intense emotional bonds that can be achieved when things are done right.

Finally boundaries and safe words should always be respected to the fullest extent, the moment you betray those, you have lost your sub's trust.

[Ma****]

The first thing you need to know is that it is a gift to have a sub ,it is not your right to dominant , know she or he only aloues you to be Dom so cherish and keep that close to you and know the real power belongs to the sub not you as a Dom you are only the Dom in a relationship because the sub aloes you to be

[Re****]

Know the difference between roleplay and real life. Also, being a dom means being in control, not an asshole or bully.