How do I become a good Dom?

[Deleted Member]

I’ve been looking to reach out to people but more then enough I can’t find anyone who wants to be my sub. Any tips, advice?

[Deleted Member]

It takes research, compassion, effort and most of all honesty to become a good Dom/ domme.

Learning from an established Dom is a good way to get the safety side of things squared away, making sure you test everything on yourself before someone else. Learning first aid, pressure points, emergency procedures. They all matter.

Being a good Dom/ domme isn't something you can just decide to be.

It's about respecting safe words, aftercare, never crossing hard limits, communication about soft limits.

It's not for anyone who isn't sure.

[Deleted Member]

I’m just a little lost and hoping that there is some guidance

[ge****]

Like your other threads the problem you have is lack of experience combined with what appears to be an air of desperation to get some experience and being honest and very blunt potentially a "fantasy" view of sex and sexuality and what it means to you.

My apologies if that sounds harsh, but I'm trying to be cruel to be kind here as that is how you come across.

As I suggested on one of your other threads taking a step back and asking yourself some very open and honest questions about you and your sexuality would be a good first step - knowing, and more importantly, understanding yourself is the key here.

You're still young and have time on your side - get out there, enjoy life and don't place such a big emphasis on sex/kink would be my honest advice - start doing that and the rest will follow naturally.

It's not so much "How do I become a good Dom" you need to be asking, as "How do I begin to explore my sexuality and what makes me tick that way" - and that to a greater or lesser extent needs to come from you.

Until you find that, you can't possibly hope to find someone who wants to give their submission to you.

Again my apologies if any of that sounds harsh, and I get the urge at your age to explore - I was there once, but it really isn't as simple as saying "I'm a dominant, submit to me" especially with no experience to back it up - so please do take that step back, learn about yourself, and what truly interests you, spend a lot of time reading and informing yourself before even beginning to search for a submissive.

[Ju****]

Hi london. 

 

Reading word for word i feel your frustration.

Il take a blind stab and guess you are hoping to find a female play partner/ submissive?!

 

If so.. there is a lot of competition so to speak. There are many, many more male Dom's on this site than female ones... and most submissive males struggle to find their Domme..just as much as a submissive woman does. 

 

Sub men seem to have less choice and kind of need to really shine to the lady of their choosing. 

Submissive women have a wide range of dominant men to look at but they are extremely picky and fussy, as a lot have had bad experiences with 'instadoms' or just guys who have no idea what theyre on about. Heck, even a lot of the women dont even know what they want in a guy/dominant. (A lot of...not all of). But they wont know til they find it. 

 

Im someone whos learning and exploring my own dominant side.. but i still have a bit of a sub side which screams every now and then. 

In a dominant i think what *i* look for.. (or in any man tbh..) is

Confident (But not cocky). Compassion. Honesty. Support. Communication. Someone who listens. Who teaches me. Is open to learning from me. Who is intelligent and knowledgeable. Isnt always sex focussed. Has similar wants and needs in the kink/fetish setting. Who isnt afraid to speak about them. Has a sense of humour. Is grounded. Respectable of me and themselves. Can deal with any situation responsibily and maturely. Has invested their time and effort into me as much i have as them. To have a vanilla match with that person too.  (You need some form of compatability after all). Someone willing to travel. To explore stuff about themselves and me. The list goes on. 

 

As you can see im a fussy, picky woman. I also have physical traits i *need* in someone to enable something to happen. So i am extremely particular and as you can imagine... ive not *yet* connected with a dominant person whos interested in me past my pictures. Most seem to see a pretty woman and think "she'll do". The lady likes to know why youve pointed her out or seen potential past her looks. 

Im happy switching for now until life throws me something/one who can open another side of me...but proven after a year.. its not easy. 

 

Sorry for rambling bollox. I hope you can find something in there that is helpful. 

[PassionateAngel]

Really nicely put Jennifer as I can relate to what you are saying and completely agree.
Met a couple of ‘wannabe’ with so many fake profiles I gave up looking. I’m sure il know the right one when he comes along.
I certainly know what I’m looking for - yet to put into words is even harder.

[Ju****]

Ok i have read your profile. 

 

 

Bit late but hey... thats me.

 

Ok so youve no experience. 

Youre a virgin. You're still very young.

 

These things take time. You need to do research. Read forum posts. Read other womens and mens profiles. Get a general grasp on what people want and look for. 

Its not like porn displays so dont ever use this as 'research'.

Talk to women. Be honest and communicate. 

 

Truthfully youre honesty is great about the lack of experience and virginity... but is mixed signals when you say you are only looking for fun. This is more a no strings attached thing. Not really what a dynamic entails to my understanding... as dynamics or relationships require time and effort on both sides.. over am extended period of time and trust built up. 

So decide what you want there 

 

Going back to my previous comment... women like a man who knows what theyre doing. They wont find that in someone inexperienced. So they may run. But thats a catch 22 cus u need to play with someone (or even have sex) to be able to get said experience and learn. 

Now..

For me... as i said the honesty is great. The minute i read "would like someone as horny as i am" id of clicked off your page. 

The 'horny' part.. major turn off for me personally. Yes most of us are horny fuckers on here... but putting it on a profile (to me...) just screams only after one thing... which may work for some women.. but not me. 

 

You go on to list a lot of sexual acts in your fantasies buthow do you know? A lot of those are basic sexual things and until you have sex and add to your experience u won't know if u like them or not. 

 

 

My advice for you.. (and im sorry ifive been criticising ive had the best intent)... is.. 

 

Forget the dom sub stuff .. for now.

Meet women. Find out what they like what you like. Have vanilla and light kink experiences. Do research and read forums, chat to men and women alike to get a general feel of what people like. Then start slow. Find someone u genuinely connect with. Whos been honest with u.. and you with them. Start small. Explore together. Discover limits boundaries and just see how u find it. But you probably wont have a decent experience with someone u dont properly connect with. 

 

Dont jump in both feet first. Dont rush it. Dont pressure yourself.  Just take your time. Also be proud that you posted in the forum here. Thats a very positive step. Most dont bother. So i wish u all the best xx

[ey****]

Any relationship there has to be a way for both people to benefit.   

If you are approaching subs, as an inexperienced Dom, there's not really anything they will see as a benefit (though - if you were an inexperienced female Domme, there might be male subs try to manipulate to their own end )

Make friends first. Online and offline.  There are then people who might help you, play with you, or help you grow

But nobody will want to be your experiment.  Because they enter the relationship with you and (1) there's a risk they will try to shape you into the type of Dominant they want (2) when you find this isn't for you - it has wasted their time and cost them emotional investment.

[HellsAndHeavens]

No how, you either have the foundations in character and personality or you don't and will get exposed. It's much more psychological then technique. Unshakeable set of principles, self control and reliability is something to begin with.

[Mo****]

First up London you got to learn about life before calling yourself a dominant.  It's like going to uni and studying shit for being a copper.  When you finish your studies, you have the basic knowledge but you have NO street experience, and so you don't know whether your going to become a good copper or not.  Very similar to being a good dominant, and calling yourself dominant could be the greatest mistake you ever make.  You need to research, study psychology, research fetishes, needs and desires.  Being dominant means you are accepting responsibility for someone else's safety and happiness, and giving them contentment with their life.  This lifestyle has some dangers to it, and if not fully aware, you may end up being responsible for damage to others.  Are you prepared for that?

[Koby-8348]

Good is subjective right?

What is good for one person, is terrible for another person. The key is always be good to the person you are with.

For me, what underlines us as humans and partners are our values and personality traits.

Lastly, Perfection can be imperfect.

[AKA_Copper]

Be a 'good' person first. Stop searching for a sub. Create a relationship before a dynamic. My view, there isn't a right way to do kink and so theres no such thing as the 'perfect' Dom. Each dynamic will be different to the next, focus on ethics and consent, the rest will come, don't try to *** it.

[Deleted Member]

Whatever you do, don't rush in to anything. Take your time and educate yourself. There are lots of books on bdsm that are great learning tools, go to clubs and munches, try impact tools on yourself (very important. I have 3 paddles and are so different from each other you can wield them the same way) and you have to be able to read body language. After all that, for the first play session, start at the rough vanilla end of the spectrum.

[Deleted Member]

Patience with a healthy side salad of more patience. As others have said be a decent fella first...all follows on from there.

[Luna_princess]

I'm a newbie to bdsm. I've had failed vanilla relationships in the past and I came across kink some 18 months or so ago. It sparked something in me and so I started to read more and learn more. I knew i was on the right path for myself. I did the bdsm test and It put me as submissive with some brat.
I did join an online known dating site and I didn't put anything on about kink/bdsm. I had no one respond to any messages and no one contacted me. Which is quite disheartening.
I found a bdsm group on Facebook which is helpful and I joined here to see what was here. I read some of the forums and posts and comments on here.
I had a few messages when I first joined here asking me about what I was looking for in a dynamic and wanting to get to know me better. I did message back but then realised these men were only really after one thing. I changed my profile wording.
I have a few doms that messaged me and it's just general chatting / friendship and I have another dom I've been chatting to daily the last two months and we are building a good connection as a couple first before we delve into the kink side. I've been honest with him and he has respect for my honesty and that I have no experience.
So basically as others have said start with finding out who you are, research - there is a lot of info out there. Ask questions. It is a bit of a complicated journey. Get to know others on a friendship bases first.
Maybe join a dating site like eharmony or match.
I have been lucky to meet someone who loves me as me first and then our dynamic will develop.
Good luck I hope you find your right path

[Leisa]

In order to be good you need to be a good person at your core. Get to know who you are and what makes you unique. Figure out what you can offer that no one else can. After you’ve done your own research and learning reach out to those with experience. Get under the guidance of a more mentally/emotionally mature Dom.

[ey****]

I think as a side note and something I think others have touched on

Instead of focusing on being a Good Dom

focus on instead being... the type of person people want to be friends with or in a relationship with.  You can figure all the Dom and sub stuff from there.

[ve****]

Best way to be a good Dom ? Listen to your sub. Find out what she wants and create that dynamic around it. Listen to her always give after care be supportive and above all remember she submits because she trusts you to do the right thing so do it