BDSM and monogamy/exclusivity.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

What if your happiness is important to her.  But there is something she can no longer do. That she either finds it excessively distressing or something she can no longer physically do, say, due to a change in health.  

So her suggestion to your happiness is to be with her but do that activity with someone else?  

obviously there is a choice of 4

1) break up, even if this is a change beyond her

2) keep pushing her to do it anyway through some form of emotional guilt

3) continue the relationship knowing that you will no longer be able to do activities that were important to you

4) Accept her suggestion

Under (4) this is obviously a big example of her placing trust in you - because this then becomes non-mono but she is trusting you to otherwise uphold the relationship, to come back to her, to go out and have fun doing things you enjoy without you feeling resentful, having to shut part of you off - or - her feeling guilty (directly or indirectly)

Obviously in this scenario option 3 is best for some people - but, my point is kinda how option 4 is the best for others and that it does involve a lot of trust.

If something doesn't work for you, then that is fine - you don't have to go down that route, but this is why it works for others.

 

I think you made a reasonable point in relation to voluntary vs involuntary. If an involuntary change occured beyond her control but she was always committed to me I would stay with her of course as I feel it's an obligation I have a responsibility to uphold. I would not seek out additional partners. If she simply decided she didn't like it without some underlying physical reason then that's different.

 

I also think many actives can be done to a lesser extent(at least for my kinks). Ex I find women in armbinders really hot but they definitely put stress on the arms/shoulders. If she has an *** and couldn't do it I would still want to do bondage play and feel it's reasonable but she can be in a less stressful position. Ex the most basic thing is just handcuffs with her arms Infront of her.

I suppose if you can only get off to one thing then maybe it's a bigger issue but I'm more flexible in satisfying my kinks.

[ey****]

Just to give my story a little.

my main fetish is feet and it's never been a problem as all my prior partners it's been something they have been somewhere between 'accepting' and 'embracing'.   I have other fetishes and kinks - many of which I have been perfectly happy to have on the backburner.

I'd been with my wife for 4 years before we kinda got into the kink scene - from there of course there was a lot to discuss especially as we started meeting different people.

From my perspective, this gave me an opportunity to do and enjoy kinks and fantasies that my wife either couldn't (watersports / nervous bladder) or wouldn't (splosh / tried it - hated it, politely declined doing it again) with others with blessing among other bits and pieces.

Of course these were things which I was happy to do without. But, I don't need to.  But if these had been things more important to me - throwing away an otherwise wonderful relationship doesn't make sense to me.

But as I say - this doesn't work for other people and that's valid.  It works for us.  It works because of the level of trust we have.

To a degree - this does mean my play with others is more casual; but everyone knows how they stand and those I have the strongest relationships with is also ones where there is trust and mutual understanding.  

[Deleted Member]

😂 🤣 😂

[Deleted Member]

True i want to trust first so is really hard . Want to experience pleasure and enjoy time with someone. Trust us a must so takes time.

[Deleted Member]

It’s difficult for sure. You not only have to “match” with a primary vanilla personality, but then you also have to “match” with their secondary kink personality. The two of these beautiful stars aligning is a beautiful thing, albeit rare. With most of us being very sexual creatures in nature, it’s easy to kinda put that vanilla stage on the back burner to get our physical/sexual needs met, because humans are also varying degrees of patient. And some just don’t want or need the relationship. All that said, I feel your rant in my SOUL!! I don’t want to settle for a quick fix. I want it all. 👸