Reflections of self

[Th****]

!!! WARNING !!!

This is about me, its not pretty and not edited, it will offend some, and I won't apologise. So if your of a cosmopolitan disposition, I would probably find something else to read..........

Since coming back from yet another conflict zone, with only my continual thoughts for company, I have sat and reflected on quite a few things, and with no one to discuss them with I started to write things down.

 

Background.

Im a 50 year old male who is very dominant and primal, I worked in an industry that place me in life treating situations on a regular basis, but I also had two fantastic very long term relationships that through the interference of others ended. my work in hostile environments, and my personal life required me to split for better words my persona into 4 facets, The Mercenary, The Bodyguard, The BDSM Dominant, and the Joe on the street. My life is a complex organisation of constant control that I have to manage every second of every day, I have PTSD,  I am, and was diagnosed more than once as a sociopath, so the good news is I won't just bump you off, I will plan it in great detail, so it will be spectacular, and not some messy unorganised end. Just so your all not running for the hills and locking your doors, it takes a serious muppet to offend me to the point of planning their end, and then recognising it and taking a step back from myself, to calmly put it in the bottom draw where it belongs......see I'm not that bad......

As a merc I worked for a well known company in several of the Middle Eastern countries, as well as Sub Saharan Africa. it requires me to have little emotional response to what would shock and devastate most, but it come with a heavy price, the constant blocking of emotional response tends to leave you very emotionally flat, and dose tend to filter into normal life.

As a bodyguard, I worked predominately in the adult entertainment sector, on the at high risk team, so not really much difference to being a merc emotionally, with the exception that I was there to save only one life. this type of work has the out come of raising your anxiety levels to the max, the constant looking for the next threat, always overlaps into normal life, so crowded bars, pubs, clubs, supermarkets, shops, town centres all create a major problem for me, when the numbers of people get to the point of me not being able to track their individual movements. I also have the problem where trust becomes a major issue, who do I trust, well the answer is very few people, and some of this was reinforced in my personal life, which really dose not help.

The BDSM dominant has been part of my life for nearly 30 years, hes a very caring, fun, strict, forgiving, control loving, adventurous, experimentalist, respectful, primal sadist.....I have been known to sniff people now and again when first meeting them, and usually before saying anything, sorry if that was you.....so this side of my more public persona I do tend to keep private for  some of the same reasons we all do. 

The Joe in the street.......or Mr Normal.....you choose......he's sometimes happy, sometimes sad, dose do and say stupid things at times, tends to fall so very fast, loves with his whole being, finds himself tearing up lately at soppy songs and moments in films......dont ask, though you probably will, its ok.......will  do anything for most people, is generous to a fault, and loves the finer things in life. I loved and lost, my first partner died in 2021 so that was a bit of a heart breaking moment as she was the love of my life, even after the split. My second partner ( the wicked witch of the west) disappear off the face of the planet with my 4 year old son......its ok, no need to call the police, there well and living somewhere in the Southwest, I haven't bumped them off......so having I have spent well over £30,000 over the last 4 years tracking her down to take to court for access to my stunning little boy Nikolas, for her to move somewhere else, and the process to start all over again, so I resided in myself that I'm not wanted or needed, so simply have to accept it, and try and move on. Dont worry its not all woe is me, I have some great friends, that make me laugh, and a couple I confide in. I can be uber (waits for the copywrite infringment) quiet and blend away into the background, or I can be larger than life and the F in fun........im mischievous, and naughty, crass at times, serious at others, I tell bad jokes, and risqué one......I know cass "people Skills"........im as blunt as they come, has minor road rage with stupid drivers, hates the heat (melting as I type), doesn't do well in sunlight, fights the signs of ageing in every way possible......yes I colour the grey, just like to girls do or risk looking like a really weirdly dressed Santa..lol.....so pretty normal Joe in the street. 

 

The interesting bit........maybe........

 

so I sat and asked myself a number of important questions.........

 

1. Am I dangerous

No not in normal life. I'm a emotionless sociopath, that loves to control, and hit my partner or I wouldn't be a sadist. I do have other qualities that change my emotional responses when I play or interact with a partner, life or BDSM. The amount of concern and care I take with a partners is massive, probably more than most. So my aggression is placed where it needs to be, firmly away from people that do not deserve it. I won't fight or argue with people, but will differ to a discussion, and walk away if it has the remotest possibility of becoming more than words, But pushed to the limits I can be an absolute handful.

 

2. Am I safe

Yes I consider myself safe, the sociopath side of me keeps things equal, and balanced.......who'd have thought.......I compensate my emotions very well and tend to walk away from things in civi life that challenge a negative response from me.

 

3. Can I be a dick.

Oh hell yes, a right and proper one, but I'm never to big to apologise for being one........hopes a certain person is reading this bit.......me being a dick has fcuked up a few important moments in my life, but hey im only human with some annoying trust issues.

 

4. Am I Grumpy

Hahaha, Old's Disease, yep the older you get the more grumpy you get, and I hate it, but a smile tends to break the grump in me, I haven't started complaining about random stuff yet.......lol

 

5. Am I honest

Big YES, what's the point of trying to lie your way through life............so when I tell you yes you will get to cum first, I mean it........every time......sorry not hung like the preverbal donkey, don't workout at the gym, need the spell checker on my devices, would love to be naked in a bath of warm milk.....please dont ask.......dont have a six pack, ........or a 4 pack,........ probably more of a 2 pinter, has a nice bum, and sexy telephone voice though.

 

6.  Am I Friendly

Yes, but I dont suffer fools. I know, I know how can you be friendly and not suffer fools, but this is me looking at me

 

7. Am I Emotional

Yes and No, I dont let emotion cloud important decisions, but am a little all over the place when it comes to partners, there's a line in "Silence  of the Lambs" that sums it up well "Roller pigeons climb high and fast and roll over and fall just as fast towards the earth. There are shallow rollers and there are deep rollers. You can't breed two deep rollers or their young, their offspring, will roll all the way down, hit and die.'" i'm a deep roller when I fall, I fall deep, but having been tricked and lied to in the past makes me not ware my emotions on my sleeve.

 

theses are my sort of top 7 most important questions about me, hope you enjoyed, but feel free to comment and add

 

[LostBabyGirl]

That is beautifully honest, the bit about planning bumping someone off made me chuckle! Thank you for sharing x

[Deleted Member]

Very well put....

[Jeromiah]

I hope you realise that Uber is the German word for “about” and not what everybody else now knows it as : either w taxi company or “major” or “in a big way”

Also having a nice soft belly beats a six pack any day for me. Keep on growing that soft flabby gut

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for sharing yourself so freely 🙏

🔥🧙‍♀️🔥

[Je****]

You're a pain in my ass. But that's why I'm fond of you. 

The "minor" road rage... I know you thought of me when you wrote that. I'm still having a giggle. 

 

Thanks for so freely expressing yourself. Knowing you as I do,  a lot of that I already knew through our discusssions and observations. But it's nice to see you sharing with the community. Takes a lot of balls. ✊

[Wo****]

Dont know you very well but never seen you as anything but a wholesome respectful person. Class for such honest sharing

[Th****]

As big and strong and controlled, there is still fear, this is the hard one the one I never share, I live in perpetual fear, its the one emotion that always there, fear to touch, or be touched, fear to let go, fear to risk, fear to breath, fear to let someone in, fear to get old, fear of being alone, fear of just being, its hard to describe so that others can understand, fear becomes a warm blanket, that wraps tighter and tighter, it never lets go, it keeps you safe, but it prevents so much more. 

[Wo****]

Don’t we all fear something or someone ? Letting go is a huge problem for me as well. Hence the wanting needing to be in control part .

[Th****]

not that type of fear OOSt, its the kind that keeps you alive, but never leaves, and grows and grows and grows, I'm not afraid of people or situations that directly threaten me, its the indirect, as I said its very hard to describe, and form part of my PTSD

 

[Wo****]

So rather the unknown ? The possibility of what might or might not happen ?

[Th****]

no, its not future or past, its just there, its always there, if you've never been in a conflict, its a hard to describe so you would understand. It tunes your senses, and takes control and gives you what you need to survive, but left without a cause for want of a better word, it shifts its gaze, and traps you in its ever tightening embrace. is a very weird sensation to be afraid of something you know you shouldn't be. 

[Chloebear]

A lot of this just confirms what I know of you. I think you may underplay what a good person you are, for want of a better word and despite the bumping people off stuff 🤣 You actually would help anyone (with a little merit on their end). You’re very knowledgeable and happy to share that knowledge to help inform newer community members. I hope you find the person who can share all of this with you, they will be out there. Fly, fly, fly BG 😉