Reflections on ***: It’s Not Always Bad. And It’s Not That Bad.

[Deleted Member]

These are the phrases that have kept me in an abusive for the whole of my adult life. Shame, guilt, uncertainty, self-loathing, undeserving. These are the feelings that kept me here too. 

 

My Silence was his greatest accomplice. 

 

So I’m posting this here to end my silence and my collaboration in my own suffering.

 

Even now I doubt myself. Because I am a strong independent woman. I’m not the kind of woman to suffer ***. I’m a professional. Clever even. I know what is right and wrong. And still those phrases creep in.

 

‘It wasn’t always bad’

‘I wasn’t that bad’

 

I ponder their origins. My dysfunctional childhood maybe? My lack of self esteem and loneliness even before all of this? The media portrayal of ***?

 

I feel like I want to linger on the last one. Of course it’s great that shows highlight ***. But the need for pace and drama and climax, means that the more subtle, chip away at you, coercive *** is rarely dealt with. 

 

‘It wasn’t that bad’.

 

And the perpetrator is never really likeable or charming or ***. Because that would confuse the loyalties of the viewer. But that’s the point isn’t it? To be always uncertain of yourself. I have yet to see or read anything that creates that sense in the audience. Is it *** or is she just a crazy bitch? He doesn’t mean it. He just loves her and is so afraid to lose her. 

 

When do we know that it is ***?  

 

It has taken me 18 years and counselling to recognise it. And still I doubt myself. Am I a drama Queen? Am I just focusing on the bad? I am ruining his life. I am a kind person, why am I hurting him? 

 

Because all I have done for 18 years is feel relieved when he is happy and calm. I have been programmed by my trauma to relinquish all of his feelings of shame and guilt for a life that has been at best bearable and at worst terrifying.

 

But today I woke up angry. After falling asleep to accusations, and waking to being told I’m destroying his life. I felt a rage inside me that is an infrequent visitor. 

 

I didn’t deserve this life. For all of my flaws and imperfections and mistakes. I didn’t deserve to feel unsafe in my own home. I didn’t deserve to feel weak and ashamed and pathetic. And most importantly, I didn’t destroy his life. He did that. And he destroyed 18 years of mine. And somehow I will find the strength to make sure that the count stops there. 

 

I am not going to crumble into apathy and pointlessness. 

 

I am not going to discount all my hopes and dreams because they are silly or unobtainable. I am not going to be silent.

 

And I am going to reach out, in whatever way I can, to all those men and women, with those voices telling them...

 

‘It’s not always bad.’

 

‘It’s not that bad.’

 

And gently enquire, ‘Is it bad enough?’

 

Because I wished I’d asked myself that more often. 

 

This anger I feel you see, it’s not just towards him, it’s towards myself too. For becoming who and what I am.

 

But I am slowly taking back control. I am slowly learning to like myself and to see that I am not a terrible person. 

 

I am ending my silence.

 

Talking to others is the one thing I never did. Shame stopped me. 

 

Silence is deadly.

 

But from today, I am going to live. 

 

[Ar****]

😊♥️

[Deleted Member]

🤗

[Mz****]

It can take a long, long time to get to this stage, so proud of you for facing your demons and vanquishing them..only look forward from now on, use what you've learnt and stay strong, ((((hugs))))

[Wo****]

@Messedup79 I am in tears!

 

You beautiful, strong, brave woman.

❤

[li****]

Well said

[Deleted Member]

Clever pretty head x

[Ms****]

Keep strong xx

[Mz_Whiplash]

My advice is take time for you because YOU deserve it. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve all the love you can give yourself.  You deserve to trust yourself your actions and your feelings.  You deserve to feel strong... because you are strong.  You were that strong you stuck with something for 18 years, even though I am sure you were incredibly sad for most of it.  Give yourself the worthiness... YOU are worthy.

 

Bless you

(always about if you need a natter) 

[Deleted Member]

I can relate to this alot. It took me quite a while to find myself again when things were finally over. The thing I would add to this would be the feeling of no matter what I did it was never good enough... 🙁

[Ophir]

I have recently realised that I was in an abusive relationship. I couldn’t see it. He was experienced, I wasn’t, I trusted him, he ***d my trust. Where to now?

[Deleted Member]

Bravo! What a wonderful, brave thing to write. You may feel that you are not a strong independent woman right now, but that’s only because that feeling has been ***d into hiding, and you just took a huge step in the direction of finding her again.

Doubt will try to confuse you again, but keep coming back here, keep talking and keep listening to the words that will reflect your truth back at you. 

You’ve got this!

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Aranhis said:

😊♥️

Thank you my friend 😊

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Lockfairy said:

Bravo! What a wonderful, brave thing to write. You may feel that you are not a strong independent woman right now, but that’s only because that feeling has been ***d into hiding, and you just took a huge step in the direction of finding her again.

Doubt will try to confuse you again, but keep coming back here, keep talking and keep listening to the words that will reflect your truth back at you. 

You’ve got this!

I hope so 😌

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Ophir said:

I have recently realised that I was in an abusive relationship. I couldn’t see it. He was experienced, I wasn’t, I trusted him, he ***d my trust. Where to now?

Inwards and onwards? Learn to love yourself. It has taken me 40 years to just begin to realise my worth. 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Chiana said:

I can relate to this alot. It took me quite a while to find myself again when things were finally over. The thing I would add to this would be the feeling of no matter what I did it was never good enough... 🙁

Oh absolutely. There could be a whole chapter written about how whatever I do it’s wrong 😞

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Mz_Whiplash said:

My advice is take time for you because YOU deserve it. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve all the love you can give yourself.  You deserve to trust yourself your actions and your feelings.  You deserve to feel strong... because you are strong.  You were that strong you stuck with something for 18 years, even though I am sure you were incredibly sad for most of it.  Give yourself the worthiness... YOU are worthy.

 

Bless you

(always about if you need a natter) 

I think I just may be you know ...

Edited December 12, 2020 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, MsGail said:

Keep strong xx

There’s no looking back now... but 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Jay2966 said:

Clever pretty head x

😌

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, littleborough644 said:

Well said

Thank you 😊

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Bounty said:

@Messedup79 I am in tears!

 

You beautiful, strong, brave woman.

❤

I’m getting there...

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, MzJax said:

It can take a long, long time to get to this stage, so proud of you for facing your demons and vanquishing them..only look forward from now on, use what you've learnt and stay strong, ((((hugs))))

Everyday I’m learning to be strong. To do what is foreign to me, and to put myself first... 

 

Thanks for your kindness 😊

[Deleted Member]

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[Deleted Member]

Wow that took courage heart an strength demons beware. 🥰😚☺🤗

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, Messedup79 said:

I hope so 😌

If you sometimes doubt it, just remember you now have a whole BDSM community willing you to succeed and waiting to catch you with kind words if you stumble. ❤️