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To my little self


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I did it.. I let my guard down I’m sorry my dearest (imagines talking to my past self).

I’m weak unlike you, they possessed me… The same old words that trigger my… our existence “my baby”, “I’ll be your mommy”, “I wish I was there to comfort you”.

I’m a fool, I know… I’m the greatest fool. I’ve gone through enough times of confessing a romantic craze within 4 hours of chatting, being head over heels within a day for someone and still be led on for their enjoyment.

At least this time I didn’t confess, I stopped that the last time it went really south remember? I’m sorry my dearest I shared too much with this person… they nearly have me by the neck with words. I can feel the smoothness of the wicked snake wrapping against my neck… they won’t let me be free unless it’s a real.. true person who me and you both really wanted.

Well… they seem to be quite confident in teasing us.. well me.. in a very dangerous controlling way but they don’t really know about it.

My dear… I don’t want to tell them about it either because if they stop then maybe everything will stop and the small chance of the future that exploded in my head in that moment will be gone too.

My dear I’m sorry you have to wait so long to find your comfort and freedom.. The love that you dreamt of everyday is not coming yet. I keep messing it up for you..

*strokes your hair* I will give up one day and that’s okay right? <3 sometimes it is never meant to be for certain people <3 but it’s okay my dear for now.. for now I’ll try. I will try not to be controlled again….

My dear how can I avoid a demand of instruction when they speak to us… me.. Like the way of the dream. The way of your dream… for a temporary amount of time is it worth it? Is it worth releasing you into the wild?

Will it ever be worth releasing you if it’s not permanent?

Will you cry?

Will you become more hurt?

Do you even want a small taste of it again? Or will it kill you to know it’s not forever..

I know the last time, you thought it was forever, 8 years ago… You wanted it to be forever.

I’ll try my best my dear… if the control becomes too much… I won’t be able to keep you here… you will be outside.
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