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Playing with others and feelings of guilt

Vi****

By Vi****
in New to BDSM, Kink & Fetish?

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Vi****

Vi****

Posted

Hey, so I have fallen madly in love with my casual partner the feeling I'm happy to say is mutual.  We do explore some kink together but he's not into this community like I am.

Now here's the issue, I came out of a long unhappy marriage and wasn't looking for love, but it found me. I have so much I want to explore and people I'd like to try kink with, he also knows this. He says he dosnt get jealous but when I told him about my potential play, he was quite evasive. I know I need to talk to him again. 

Those of you in relationships who do play with others, how do you avoid the feelings of feeling guilty? Isn't even possible?  Thanks

skintightlover

skintightlover

Posted
In my experience, I'd say that if you're feeling all of that now then you're going to get a lot more of it down the track. There's no way to avoid feelings although many people think they can blot them out or numb them. It could be that you have fallen in love with your own pheromones and endorphins !
I even wrote a stupid song about it ;-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js9a4yjMxOQ
typhoon2

typhoon2

Posted
I am prone to jealousy (rather than envy) and I know it's hypocritical. I approach the situation with a simple and effective technique: ignorance. I trust them to play safe and hopefully return to me but want to know no details or even if they're seeing anyone else. Ignorance is bliss. I want them to be happy and don't want to restrict them if they're exploring.

Deleted Member

Posted
Unfortunately I think feelings of jealousy are inevitable if you are exploring with others, and whilst the other person may say they won't get jealous (& genuinely not want to) I don't think they are in control of those emotions.
But if it is possible, talking is clearly a major part of it and ensuring you are fully open about who with, when and where.
Good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

Deleted Member

Posted
Im a married guy that plays behind my partners back. I fell for someone and she me and she played with others as well as me. Funny but i got jealous even though i had a wife at home. Hypercrital to say the least. In the end my jealousy ruined things. Do what you have to do. If he doesnt like what you do his love will be tested and you will have your answer from the outcome. Plenty of love to be found when you want to look again i think if it doesnt work. Best of luck x.
ge****

ge****

Posted
Was he being evasive through jealousy do you think Vic or because he'd just rather not know the sordid details, or any details for that matter, or even because he doesn't want to feel he's putting you on the spot by showing an interest?
.
Any or all of the above could apply, and as you've said only talking to him will provide answers.
.
As for your own feelings of guilt, unfortunately only you can deal with those, but from what you've told me in the past you have nothing to feel guilty about. Is it possible that they have been bought about by his evasiveness? Do you think you'd have them if he had shown an interest, and are perhaps projecting guilt on yourself because you're concerned he may harbour jealousy despite his saying he doesn't, and despite him not showing any signs of it either?
.
Again the answers can only come from talking to him openly and honestly both about your feelings and his.
.
Alternately is there a compromise can be found between you to allow you to explore what you want together rather than apart?
.
Enjoying guilt free relations with others as well as your primary partner is absolutely possible, but takes open and honest communication and a stable committed relationship to begin with, even the slightest of cracks in that relationship can cause disharmony.
XxXDirtyboyXxX

XxXDirtyboyXxX

Posted
I think the problem would lie if he didn’t get jealous, it shows he cares and for me am extremely kinky but I can’t share someone am in love with. That’s a hard no
DTeasedHubby

DTeasedHubby

Posted
Communication, boundaries. Maybe your love wants to know you have things just you do. It’s not easy and it’s easy for him to just “put up with it” or avoid but eventually it will come out. Talk now and get some understanding of each other. That’s my advise.
PJ****

PJ****

Posted
2 hours ago, gemini_man said:
Was he being evasive through jealousy do you think Vic or because he'd just rather not know the sordid details, or any details for that matter, or even because he doesn't want to feel he's putting you on the spot by showing an interest?
.
Any or all of the above could apply, and as you've said only talking to him will provide answers.
.
As for your own feelings of guilt, unfortunately only you can deal with those, but from what you've told me in the past you have nothing to feel guilty about. Is it possible that they have been bought about by his evasiveness? Do you think you'd have them if he had shown an interest, and are perhaps projecting guilt on yourself because you're concerned he may harbour jealousy despite his saying he doesn't, and despite him not showing any signs of it either?
.
Again the answers can only come from talking to him openly and honestly both about your feelings and his.
.
Alternately is there a compromise can be found between you to allow you to explore what you want together rather than apart?
.
Enjoying guilt free relations with others as well as your primary partner is absolutely possible, but takes open and honest communication and a stable committed relationship to begin with, even the slightest of cracks in that relationship can cause disharmony.

Pretty much exactly what I was going to write! saved my fingers 😂
A conversation definitely needs to be had to clarify what he's feeling, your guilt is most likely rooted in the fact you think he's in a negative space about it all... and yes to maybe exploring together as an alternative to start with 😁 I think that's a good idea.

Vi****

Vi****

Posted
  • Author

Thanks all, I do recall him saying ages ago that he'd rather not know. But I think as our feelings have deepened his outlook may have altered. I do remember saying to him, so reading between the lines you'd rather be the one doing x, y and z. He said yes. 

 

 

Deleted Member

Posted
(edited)

I really don't like doing this in relationships, but sometimes it has to be done. Like others mentioned, you need to have an important talk with him. Two reminders, what a person says can be completely different from the body language, and how it was said. No matter how much you try hard, sometimes the other won't/can't open up, speak, or both. Feeling guilty... only you can figure this out, because it can come from so many different reasons. Example, it can come from nothing.

Edited by Deleted Member
Wrote it wrong.
Go****

Go****

Posted

I think perhaps you both need to go find a quiet, but public, place to talk in person, preferably without alcohol lol 

Talking about things via message is all good but not everything can be put into a message, like tone, context, body language, intonation etc, and things can easily be misunderstood. 

As you know I wasn't a fan of the evasive answer, but you need to know why it was so evasive; was it him avoiding the question, not wanting to know, jealousy...I think only an actual conversation would potentially get to the bottom of what he wants, if he is willing to share his wants, that is.

 

Hugs ❤😘

so****

so****

Posted
Monogamy is the only guilt-free way👍🏻I'm fiercely monogamous & do not condone poly anything, but I also do not shame others who like it. It's just that in my personal experience, monogamy is the best way. Call me old fashioned I don't care. After all, there's a good reason why societally en***d monogamy exists. History shows polygamy doesn't work in the long run. Poly maybe ok in the short term but monogamy is the only answer for pong term 👍🏻
sh****

sh****

Posted
Well me and my wife before she died of cancer I had an understanding we always did together and never separated cuz we always felt that it was more fun together and we felt that we weren't cheating on each other that's all I can say that work for me and my wife we were married for 25 years she's been gone away from me for 21 due to cancer it was my mistress and I wish her sex slave but she was really really my wife and I miss the hell out of her

Deleted Member

Posted
3 hours ago, sheilalynnamber said:

Well me and my wife before she died of cancer I had an understanding we always did together and never separated cuz we always felt that it was more fun together and we felt that we weren't cheating on each other that's all I can say that work for me and my wife we were married for 25 years she's been gone away from me for 21 due to cancer it was my mistress and I wish her sex slave but she was really really my wife and I miss the hell out of her

It sounded like you had a very beautiful relationship. I am very sorry for your loss.💖

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