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NooB Sub, starting a relationship with a Domme, need advice!

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Hi everyone,


New to the site, new-ish to kink, looking to tap into the wisdom of the crowd!  I've recently met a dominant woman via a different (ironically vanilla!) dating site, and we have progressed to intimate chats via whatsapp, exchanging pics, etc. and are looking to arrange a dungeon visit.  I've suggested a coffee or a glass of wine initially, but she's of the opinion that the best way to know if we will 'click' is through an intimate encounter.  Tend to agree, so I'm cool with that, obvs....  

She has set me a few tasks to prove myself, so far so fun and no real problems there but she is now asking for a 'tribute'.  Again, no problem in principle and my natural inclination is to be generous, but she wants an incredibly expensive bespoke leather dress.  And all of a sudden I'm that much less comfortable.  

Is this unusual?  I realise many dominant women will want tribute from their subs, but this seems....excessive...this early on?  She's not looking for paid services and I don't think this is a findom situation (and no disrespect to anyone who willingly seeks and accepts that, but its not something I'd personally want).  So at what point does 'tribute' become findom, and at what point does that (potentially) become exploitative? 

My instincts, normally reliable, tell me she's not rinsing me, and for sure she'd look like a goddess in the dress.....but I just don't know.  Seems like a big ask.  

Am I being daft, or am I being rolled??



My opinion is just be honest, if you’ve built a good connection through your communication already then that shouldn’t be a problem; to state/discuss any concerns you have... you say you ‘don’t think this is a findom situation’ that’s the problem right there, you need to KNOW what situation it is... Has she said she’s a findom?

all my experiences and senses tell me the following will happen

- you will buy the dress

-she will disappear


Obviously I'd love to be wrong, but I've seen this play on scam before.   Here's some potential ideas that you can do to poke around this.

If you've been swapping pictures that's a good sign - but consider doing a reverse image search on them - if she claims to be a local lady who isn't  a Pro, but an image search returns they're stolen from a Pro in another part of the country/world then straight off the bat, the pictures are stolen. It's not her.

Next up.  Have you actually had a voice or a video chat with her or will the first time you will see/speak to her when you meet in the dungeon?  

A next point, does she have a dungeon in mind she is recommending and can you vouch it's a real dungeon (someone on here months ago had a lady with an almost identical approach to the above who had recommended Kinky Coves - Kinky Coves doesn't exist and the scam there was you pay the dungeon hire and meet her there, but you get there and there's no dungeon)

There was another scam once where there was a guy using his wife's photos and was doing similar scams in order to receive gifts he was then giving to her and passing off that he'd bought them - so that's another avenue to consider.

Like, there's a lot in life which is legit especially with tributes, gifts, etc. but for me there's too many red flags going off.  


Thanks for the responses.  Some good advice  @SexualCorruption you've nailed it (so to speak) when you point out I've missed such a basic question that I should have asked early on. We did discuss likes & dislikes, but given I had an underlying concern I should just have got that out in the open right away.

I've done some checking re: the name she has given me, facebook profile, etc. and everything looks pukka on the surface, but when I look again, it starts to look a little less convincing.  I've asked for a firm date & location for meet and suggested I'd be happy to bring a less elaborate tribute in person for our first meeting.  We'll see how that goes, but....

I'm getting the sense that I may have narrowly dodged a bullet here, lesson learned.  I do feel like such a naive [email protected] years old and nearly duped, desire and optimism getting in the way of good judgement. 

One way or another I'll be a bit more considered with future connections.  You live and (occasionally) learn.

@eyemblacksheep I've got to take my hat off (sort of) to the dude who ran the scam with photos of his wife...ffs, takes some ho-jo's! 


the thing is - it can happen to the best of us.  Some scams (like Kinky Coves) still exist because every now and then someone falls for it - because it looks so good on the surface - and the admin costs are so low.

It's worth doing a couple of double checks, I hate to fear the worst but I've seen this pattern before.

Yeah, the guy had basically been getting people to buy gifts for his wife - taking photos/video of her unboxing or with the gift and then sending those pictures to the buyer.  This was done without his wife's knowledge !   It's surprising he pulled it off because it's not easy to get gifts - so dunno what else he was doing when posing as her!


Some ladies ask for a small gift to show commitment but it seems to me that an expensive leather dress is a little extortionate when you haven't really received anything other than chats in exchange

2 hours ago, MissTillysue said:

Some ladies ask for a small gift to show commitment but it seems to me that an expensive leather dress is a little extortionate when you haven't really received anything other than chats in exchange

yep, and no problem with that of course.  Maybe she's just demanding, maybe its maybelline, I guess we'll find out.  As I said, I've suggested a more modest tribute to be made in person, which I think it reasonable for a first meet, so it may work out yet.  Am learning fast!!


it's important to kind of know a rough expectancy on gifts and tributes

- if someone requires a tribute it should be clear early in conversations

- you have to have confidence that you'll get what you expect in exchange (context important - this could be a thank you or an agreed thing or activity)

- of course, if you're meeting someone in there's no agreed tribute/gift - then showing up with a small/modest gift shows you've put thought in and is often a good ice-breaker (helped me loads of times... oh, what can I say... err... let's talk about whisky/chocolate/whatever) - just to give an idea, I'm meeting someone this week and as She doesn't read this forum (I hope!) I've got Her a personalised mug.

- if you're already agreed to meet, a tribute/gift seems a fair request but shouldn't come as a surprise.  

- Not everyone is who they say they are and it's important to be open-minded, but also to be savvy.  

  • 5 weeks later...

As a point of personal safety, I would never arrange to meet someone from the internet in a non-public space for an initial meet. If they're genuine, then they should be happy to meet you for a coffee or drink before hand.

Second, I would never buy expensive gifts without it being clear what the relationship was. I certainly wouldn't be handing them over without having met the person in the flesh.


Third is that I'd be really cautious about having met this person on a vanilla dating site.


thanks for following up.  So...sage advice was given by some of you and was duly noted. I gently pushed back: could I have some more recent / current photos (agreed but not provided), could she be more specific about date & time to meet (evasive response) and crucially would she accept a modest gift *in person* and if we get on let’s take it from there?  Suffice to say she has faded away.

So while I still feel very naive it’s also clear I dodged a bullet.  Lesson learned (hopefully!) Thanks again for sound advice.  A cautionary example of excitement (almost) getting in the way of judgement 




and there’s a little coda to this: have met someone (a real, actual person!) through a vanilla dating website who is honest and has turned out to be *massively* kinky, albeit not especially dominant.  One door closes....! 

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