Who’s in the wrong?

[se****]

Story time:
So my friend recently got into this bdsm/kink lifestyle, he’s been in it for about 5 months now.
And he’s recently met his first sub, on a website.

They got to know each other for a few weeks, and finally they met up. He told me they had a conversation before their session, and she said.

Her: “I’ve never been slapped in the face, I don’t know how i feel about it. But we can try it first and I’ll let you know after”

So a couple minutes in, he slapped her once or twice (nothing crazy) and she instantly starts crying. He rushes over to her, to coddle her and make sure she’s okay.

About 10 minutes into embracing her, she tells says.

Her: “I’m fine now, thank you. We can still finish”

So they agreed to finish the session.
Long story short, the finished the session. Had a short conversation before she left, and he told me once she got home. He went to text her “are you okay? And did you make it home safe?” And realized

She had him blocked on everything. And so he came to me, asking me what did he do wrong.
And he’s confused.

I told him, I person don’t think he did anything wrong. Of course it’s not her fault for not liking being slapped. but ghosting someone, after both parties agreeing to try something new? And the fact they he made sure she was ok, he talked to her after the session.

I feel as if he did everything right, but now he’s confused and doesn’t know if he should try new things again.
Thoughts?

[Deleted Member]

There is an old proverb that says: "women say yes but they mean no. And when they say no they mean yes. Moral: that your friend resigns himself.

[TheBookCollector]

Difficult to say anything, as we only have hearsay amd have not heard the otherside (her side).
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How do you know the slap was "nothing crazy"? The dact she cried suggests it had some *** behind it.
--
When doing something for the first time.you ease into it, a gentle slap using the wrist see.how she reacts.and talk about it afterwards.
--
Its like caning.someone who has never been caned you dont pick up a cane and give a full swing first time, you ease into it until you find the sweet spot.

[ge****]

It's very difficult to comment based on the level of information given but it may not even be about the faceslapping - maybe there was something else that happened that didn't feel right for her, maybe she was as inexperienced as him and found she didn't like it on reflection after the event, maybe any number of things.
.
All "your friend" can do is accept it's happened and not try to analyse it - the only thing he can really take from it is to ensure everything is negotiated up front, and not decided on the spur of the moment as it appears to have been here, or fairly close to it anyway.
.
Did he suggest face slapping or her?
.
Actually there are so many unanswered questions that it's not really possible to decide who's right or wrong, or even if anyone is - for that you'd need both sides of the story.

[Du****]

35 minutes ago, BlackSkin72 said:

There is an old proverb that says: "women say yes but they mean no. And when they say no they mean yes. Moral: that your friend resigns himself.

Fortunately this is the 21st century and we’ve moved on from such misogynistic thinking.

[ey****]

problem 1

you are telling a second hand account and you only have his word on what happened

problem 2

while they finished the session after the slap and things were seemingly OK to continue - what else particularly happened?   was she responsive? into it? 

problem 3

if he is also inexperienced, how can he himself be sure the rest of the session was fine

problem 4

how long ago was it all told? the sub might possibly have been a little shaken and in the heat of the moment decided she didn't want to interact with him while she was processing things - and if this happened, say, at the weekend, then a day or two more might be required.

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whatever did or didn't happen - that she stopped the scene and started crying when slapped, it was definitely too much at that particular point - if it wasn't hard, there was something about it that distressed her and whatever that was was particularly important to resolve.  Her subsequently blocking suggests things were not resolved.

There does feel like a communication issue from her, but then the question is why - whether she was scared or felt she had to go through things.  However, as I say, we only have a second hand version of events from one party. 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Fortunately this is the 21st century and we’ve moved on from such misogynistic thinking.

Touche…

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, TheBookCollector said:

Difficult to say anything, as we only have hearsay amd have not heard the otherside (her side).
--
How do you know the slap was "nothing crazy"? The dact she cried suggests it had some *** behind it.
--
When doing something for the first time.you ease into it, a gentle slap using the wrist see.how she reacts.and talk about it afterwards.
--
Its like caning.someone who has never been caned you dont pick up a cane and give a full swing first time, you ease into it until you find the sweet spot.

Does the “….dact she cried”… truly suggest it “had some *** behind it”, though?
It *could’ve* been for other reasons;
*trigger from her childhood
*trigger from an abusive ex
*trigger from maybe she had recalled a time where perhaps she, herself, had ***d someone
*shock factor that it literally went from a thought, maybe even a fantasy, for her, into a reality that she wasn’t as prepared for as once thought
*did she have overthinking and unexpected anxiety flood her mind, and “ruin” the moment

As you can see, the many reasons, spoken, or otherwise *could’ve* had a part in any or all of it!

Regardless of why, or how it ended, especially since discussions occurred before and immediately after, not only the face slap, but the session as well, would seem to appear that based on ONLY the current information provided, she behaved irresponsibly and negligently by “ghosting” the Top.
This lifestyle is for grownups, and unfortunately due to certain media’s, movies, etc., combined with close minded individuals, those of us whom are serious about the way we choose to live, are in a near constant state of either having to defend ourselves, or go “underground” about the things we do, because of others giving us a bad wrap!

[Deleted Member]

I am sorry to read about the precarious situation your friend has found himself in. I recommend him to take a lesson or two from this experience, and try trying again!
~Namaste

[se****]

Yea she definitely could’ve cried for various reasons, her crying doesn’t mean the slap was hard. But I didn’t investigate, everything in the post is all he told me in one paragraph.

another possibility is she simply just ghosted him because she didn’t enjoy being slapped, even tho they agreed on it. It might not be any past trauma, or that the slap was too hard.
I feel like it doesn’t make sense to ghost someone in a situation like that, when there was an agreement.
But, we don’t know her reason so i guess there isn’t really much we can say on that.

[TxFrank]

Who's in the wrong? The New Dom. Sorry but on a first play date you never push boundaries. That's a recipe for disaster. First play dates should always leave both parties wanting more. It is never a time to explore limits. If this supposed "Dom" didn't understand this, he's shit and shouldn't be allowed to be in the lifestyle. Come at me if you think I'm wrong.

Edited October 12, 2022 by TxFrank
Autocorrect

[Nylon-Nellie]

Bigger picture springs to mind.

[TheBookCollector]

3 hours ago, TxFrank said:

Who's in the wrong? The New Dom. Sorry but on a first play date you never push boundaries. That's a recipe for disaster. First play dates should always leave both parties wanting more. It is never a time to explore limits. If this supposed "Dom" didn't understand this, he's shit and shouldn't be allowed to be in the lifestyle. Come at me if you think I'm wrong.

You are not incorrect, and if hed been an experienced dom i would 100% agree, however, he is new and so will make mistakes and needs educating.
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This was also a perfect storm both parties inexperienced and not knowing enough about the lifestyle or thier own needs.
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Can you state hand on heart you never made a mistake as a dom at the start of your journey? Even with lots of research i know i made mistakes, but was fortunate that my first few partners where experienced subs and either stopped the scene and explained the mistake if it was huge, or after if they where minor things.

[ey****]

I think that is the nutshell

The big mistake was pushing boundaries in the very first play date (was it the first time they'd met?) especially since both were so inexperienced.   They would have been better working from a mutual whitelist of things they both enjoyed.

Obviously the oversight here is that his own inexperience perhaps clouded that judgement.

However, yeah, ignorance is little defence really.  

The learning from this for him is for him to expand his own knowledge and to avoid boundary pushing with a new partner *especially* if they are also relatively new.  

Obviously we lack her side - and a lot would say maybe she shouldn't have ghosted - but - she herself was possibly processing stuff and perhaps he wasn't someone she initially wanted to talk to.  Is it the best move? Maybe not - but she is also inexperienced.

There is zero defence for the Dominant that cannot be applied to her.   He did what he thought was OK at the time, she is doing what she thinks is best.

 

[ge****]

9 hours ago, searchingformyslave said:

Yea she definitely could’ve cried for various reasons, her crying doesn’t mean the slap was hard. But I didn’t investigate, everything in the post is all he told me in one paragraph.

another possibility is she simply just ghosted him because she didn’t enjoy being slapped, even tho they agreed on it. It might not be any past trauma, or that the slap was too hard.
I feel like it doesn’t make sense to ghost someone in a situation like that, when there was an agreement.
But, we don’t know her reason so i guess there isn’t really much we can say on that.

I think the lesson here is to perhaps gather more information yourself before posting - because all you've really done here is post a very vague hypothetical situation without sufficient information to make a call either way, which I'm sure you'll agree is a pretty pointless exercise as all you'll get is hypothetical caveated responses.
.
You say it doesn't make sense to ghost someone in a situation like that - yet without more information, even if it's one sided from just your friend - you can't possibly know what the situation was like, or decide if it makes sense or not.

[TheBookCollector]

10 hours ago, DDbg7576 said:

Does the “….dact she cried”… truly suggest it “had some *** behind it”, though?
It *could’ve* been for other reasons;
*trigger from her childhood
*trigger from an abusive ex
*trigger from maybe she had recalled a time where perhaps she, herself, had ***d someone
*shock factor that it literally went from a thought, maybe even a fantasy, for her, into a reality that she wasn’t as prepared for as once thought
*did she have overthinking and unexpected anxiety flood her mind, and “ruin” the moment

As you can see, the many reasons, spoken, or otherwise *could’ve* had a part in any or all of it!

Regardless of why, or how it ended, especially since discussions occurred before and immediately after, not only the face slap, but the session as well, would seem to appear that based on ONLY the current information provided, she behaved irresponsibly and negligently by “ghosting” the Top.
This lifestyle is for grownups, and unfortunately due to certain media’s, movies, etc., combined with close minded individuals, those of us whom are serious about the way we choose to live, are in a near constant state of either having to defend ourselves, or go “underground” about the things we do, because of others giving us a bad wrap!

As you point out so many factors, could have been the reason she cried.
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As for the ghosting part, again we only know one side of what happened, and so dont have a full picture of the nature of the messages sent. Or hownshe was really feeling,
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Its possible that something else happened in the session, and once she was out of there she blocked him.
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Was it right who knows what she was going through in the aftermath of the session, did she start having.second thoughts about it on reflection. etc.
--

[ma****]

11 hours ago, DDbg7576 said:

Does the “….dact she cried”… truly suggest it “had some *** behind it”, though?
It *could’ve* been for other reasons;
*trigger from her childhood
*trigger from an abusive ex
*trigger from maybe she had recalled a time where perhaps she, herself, had ***d someone
*shock factor that it literally went from a thought, maybe even a fantasy, for her, into a reality that she wasn’t as prepared for as once thought
*did she have overthinking and unexpected anxiety flood her mind, and “ruin” the moment

As you can see, the many reasons, spoken, or otherwise *could’ve* had a part in any or all of it!

Regardless of why, or how it ended, especially since discussions occurred before and immediately after, not only the face slap, but the session as well, would seem to appear that based on ONLY the current information provided, she behaved irresponsibly and negligently by “ghosting” the Top.
This lifestyle is for grownups, and unfortunately due to certain media’s, movies, etc., combined with close minded individuals, those of us whom are serious about the way we choose to live, are in a near constant state of either having to defend ourselves, or go “underground” about the things we do, because of others giving us a bad wrap!

Discussions about trying new things should not occur at a very short notice before a scene begins. So if the Dom (Top) thought that that was a good idea or he thought that it is okay to push boundaries within the first play, then it is his fault. You should know that if you call yourself a grownup... There is no need to imply that the sub/bottom is not a grownup or a closed minded... I could also imply that you are an ***r using the BDSM or D/s as an excuse to be mean and rude.

[si****]

Sometimes people will just say finish and not really mean it. She might have been shaken but didn’t want to hurt his feelings or give him “blue balls”

[TheBookCollector]

1 hour ago, sirlinkt said:

Sometimes people will just say finish and not really mean it. She might have been shaken but didn’t want to hurt his feelings or give him “blue balls”

In that situation the dominant puts on his big boy pants and stops, how many times have you seen someone say they clearly are ok when they arent and 10 minutes talking, or was it him cajolling her to continue? We dont know what happened in that 10 minutes.
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So what if he gets blue balls, thats not her problem, and he can grab a box of kleenex and head to the bathroom.

[ey****]

something else, as well.

A Dominant has calls to make - and - a big option on the table there and then is, regardless of what she said - to halt the scene.  Can play another day, can't undo what is done then

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, TheBookCollector said:

 He can grab a box of kleenex and head to the bathroom.

Hmmm... I have no idea who can be more direct... you or me?.🤔😅😘

[TheBookCollector]

41 minutes ago, kiseu said:

Hmmm... I have no idea who can be more direct... you or me?.🤔😅😘

😁 why beat about the bush.