You're All Fake!

[Ka****]

23 minutes ago, flipflopfarmer said:

As far as the "freak" thing goes we can have a conversation about my fetishes and then perhaps somebody with experience can identify WTF I actually am, with all due respect. Seriously, I just don't know how to present myself digitally without tone and it's very frustrating. I identify as a freak because I have uncommon fetishes that I don't even know how to go about discussing. For some reason I'll tell the world online and I don't have that mental block here. Ti's the real me.

That noone can do Im afraid, kink is a very personal journey. There's a lot on YouTube, lots of articles and it's a very confusing journey at first especially when you encounter people telling you what you should be or else youre a bad dom/sub. Any articles like that? Put them in the bin. You are you, there will be people more extreme than you, there will be people softer than you. There's will be things you think are uncommon, turns out they're really common and everyone's just as covert as you! You dont discuss fetish or owt else really until you've 100% comfortable with them and vice versa, but im newish here. Maybe Blacksheep or Aranhis can comment on fetish discussion as I have a sneaky feeling both of them have been around longer than me!

[fl****]

18 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

I think most are raised vanilla, even if the family are into it. Unless its 24/7 power exchange it's not appropriate for kids to know what their parents get up to behind closed doors! Haha. I believe everything happens in it's time, i started the same age as you, Im only a year ahead and the more I learn I don't think I was in the right place emotionally or mentally. I also carried a lot of shame. Not because I felt like a freak but because I am outwardly dominant so I felt 'weak' in a way, I have major difficulties asking for help so I was i supposed to submit to someone? Was i a bad sub because of the chorus' of 'Submission is a gift' didn't ring with me and I felt submission was earned? Was i in the completely wrong place? I dont attend workshops with anyone, i go by myself and I refer to it as a zen retreat. For me everyone's been so friendly, everyone's fully clothes and it's strictly not sexual, we are just exploring as fellow travelers. There have been people there who don't involve in the social aspects but I guess you have to pick what's more comfortable for you, waiting for a magical unicorn to show you the way, or your comfort? I say unicorn cause as youre quickly learning... authentic people on here are few and far between, then you gotta hope they wanna come to workshops haha. I think not knowing where you stand is okay, as long as youre open about it so the person on the other end is aware as are you. There's nothing messier than not being able to control your own feelings, whatever comes, submissive or dominant i suppose. From my experience so far, anyone who bounds up to you instantly wanting to play has the wrong intentions, meaningfully or not. Even a guy a met irl wanted to start exploring kink in a planltonuc way and he overwhelmed himself and crashed within 3 months because he didn't put the ground work in. He got so excited for a kink buddy/play partner he couldn't work out his own feelings or separate the exploration from me and ultimately treated me in a really crappy way for overwhelming himself. I'd agree BDSM is a kinda secret religion - everyone's got their own interpretation of it and how the 'god' lays the land. Some doms think they're God's, some doms think they're submissives are God's. Some think *** is an absolute must have, some thing leather and chains are. As with any religion, I suppose in this metaphor, gotta work out who aligns to you :D

What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. Unfortunately I feel like that overwhelming crash will be inevitable for me as sex is one of the most overwhelming emotional Rollercoaster I've ever experienced. I'm obviously curious, I'm obviously craving to go deeper into things. Fighting those urges turned into body mod master bastion sessions for better or worse. I agree entirely that a relationship is built on a framework of trust rather than lust alone. If I'm understanding you correctly you're saying there needs to be a friendship there. I call myself a Christian (I'm open to that conversation also) so finding somebody trustworthy, hypersexually kinky and morally agreeable feels very out of my control. I'm sick of being alone so I'm bouncing back and forth between compromise and lust. This feels entirely mentally unhealthy. I think I just need female attention to get my head straight but then there's my standards which make a one night stand seem like the move. Well except for that part about the spiritual connection I need with somebody in order to be fundamentally attracted to them. That "click" is like an aura that I sense. I think I'm going in circles. Idk. I appreciate your advice. You seem to read me better than I do.

[fl****]

29 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

I think most are raised vanilla, even if the family are into it. Unless its 24/7 power exchange it's not appropriate for kids to know what their parents get up to behind closed doors! Haha. I believe everything happens in it's time, i started the same age as you, Im only a year ahead and the more I learn I don't think I was in the right place emotionally or mentally. I also carried a lot of shame. Not because I felt like a freak but because I am outwardly dominant so I felt 'weak' in a way, I have major difficulties asking for help so I was i supposed to submit to someone? Was i a bad sub because of the chorus' of 'Submission is a gift' didn't ring with me and I felt submission was earned? Was i in the completely wrong place? I dont attend workshops with anyone, i go by myself and I refer to it as a zen retreat. For me everyone's been so friendly, everyone's fully clothes and it's strictly not sexual, we are just exploring as fellow travelers. There have been people there who don't involve in the social aspects but I guess you have to pick what's more comfortable for you, waiting for a magical unicorn to show you the way, or your comfort? I say unicorn cause as youre quickly learning... authentic people on here are few and far between, then you gotta hope they wanna come to workshops haha. I think not knowing where you stand is okay, as long as youre open about it so the person on the other end is aware as are you. There's nothing messier than not being able to control your own feelings, whatever comes, submissive or dominant i suppose. From my experience so far, anyone who bounds up to you instantly wanting to play has the wrong intentions, meaningfully or not. Even a guy a met irl wanted to start exploring kink in a planltonuc way and he overwhelmed himself and crashed within 3 months because he didn't put the ground work in. He got so excited for a kink buddy/play partner he couldn't work out his own feelings or separate the exploration from me and ultimately treated me in a really crappy way for overwhelming himself. I'd agree BDSM is a kinda secret religion - everyone's got their own interpretation of it and how the 'god' lays the land. Some doms think they're God's, some doms think they're submissives are God's. Some think *** is an absolute must have, some thing leather and chains are. As with any religion, I suppose in this metaphor, gotta work out who aligns to you :D

I guess what I'm trying to say is my whole life I was raised/brainwashed to put the cart before the horse. "Marriage" was the big word before sex and nobody ever defined it legally, spiritually and hardly even Biblically. I realized 5-10 years too late that I fell victim to the purity bullcrap movement. I'm a Christian who believes in the spiritual union between a man and woman under God. Now I understand there's a lot more to that conversation. Legal paperwork doesn't define commitment or a spiritual bond. I'm literally looking for somebody who knows and loves the Bible but I'm also not in a position in life to take a wife. So do I sit celibate? Do I have a stand and *** myself to move on? As you said I'm not trying to mentally crash myself but I feel like no matter what I try to do it's the wrong decision. I miss the days of my youth when women would try to lure me alone and jump on me. IDK WTF was wrong with me and why I didn't pursue them. Well, that stupid purity culture brainwashing. I don't know how to fix myself because surely I'd have gone a different path. No I feel like a sexually frustrated mentally fucked up dog who is undesirable and it kills me. That's not me moping that's the struggle that eats at my soul. I'd rather be an online slut than a brainwashed cuck. I'm sorry but that's what that bullshit movement was. I fell victim to it.

[Ka****]

28 minutes ago, flipflopfarmer said:

I guess what I'm trying to say is my whole life I was raised/brainwashed to put the cart before the horse. "Marriage" was the big word before sex and nobody ever defined it legally, spiritually and hardly even Biblically. I realized 5-10 years too late that I fell victim to the purity bullcrap movement. I'm a Christian who believes in the spiritual union between a man and woman under God. Now I understand there's a lot more to that conversation. Legal paperwork doesn't define commitment or a spiritual bond. I'm literally looking for somebody who knows and loves the Bible but I'm also not in a position in life to take a wife. So do I sit celibate? Do I have a stand and *** myself to move on? As you said I'm not trying to mentally crash myself but I feel like no matter what I try to do it's the wrong decision. I miss the days of my youth when women would try to lure me alone and jump on me. IDK WTF was wrong with me and why I didn't pursue them. Well, that stupid purity culture brainwashing. I don't know how to fix myself because surely I'd have gone a different path. No I feel like a sexually frustrated mentally fucked up dog who is undesirable and it kills me. That's not me moping that's the struggle that eats at my soul. I'd rather be an online slut than a brainwashed cuck. I'm sorry but that's what that bullshit movement was. I fell victim to it.

Honestly, it sounds like youre going through a lot. You were raised in that setting so I think its unfair to put yourself down and have so much anger toward yourself, if you were raised to think the sky was pink you'd believe that too! If you'd have taken those luring women you'd have only felt shame and guilt and probably as alone as you feel now as you'd have been a fake in the community and potentially ruined those women too. Bdsm/kink can be the***utic but it is not therapy and if you don't mind my say so I really think that'll be a helpful first step for you. In your mindset, BDSM can be a dangerous place and I feel a lot of uncontrolled and unresolved anger and that can be dangerous to your partner as well. This is what i was referring to with earlier I wasn't ready mentally or emotionally to engage in this world... you have to get your own head on straight. Kink doesn't mean easy pickings either and you sound very conflicted. Step 1, if you want my advice is to get to a place where you know yourself, youre your own friend and you genuinely like yourself and you stop worrying about what could have been, should have been and start looking towards who you will be when youre sat alone at night :)

[fl****]

28 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

Honestly, it sounds like youre going through a lot. You were raised in that setting so I think its unfair to put yourself down and have so much anger toward yourself, if you were raised to think the sky was pink you'd believe that too! If you'd have taken those luring women you'd have only felt shame and guilt and probably as alone as you feel now as you'd have been a fake in the community and potentially ruined those women too. Bdsm/kink can be the***utic but it is not therapy and if you don't mind my say so I really think that'll be a helpful first step for you. In your mindset, BDSM can be a dangerous place and I feel a lot of uncontrolled and unresolved anger and that can be dangerous to your partner as well. This is what i was referring to with earlier I wasn't ready mentally or emotionally to engage in this world... you have to get your own head on straight. Kink doesn't mean easy pickings either and you sound very conflicted. Step 1, if you want my advice is to get to a place where you know yourself, youre your own friend and you genuinely like yourself and you stop worrying about what could have been, should have been and start looking towards who you will be when youre sat alone at night :)

Maybe you're right about those women. Maybe I avoided some terrible scenario I will never know...or maybe I passed on some of God's greatest gifts. I don't ruin women despite the fact they generally seem to love the men who do. I just don't have the heart for that I even despise it. Everybody talks about this guilt and shame but to be honest with you I've never experienced that. I've never felt guilty or shameful for being physical with any lady...probably because I pride myself in how I treat people and I believe women are to be treated better than men. Seriously, whether getting friendly with a dancer or going home with a girl I only knew for a day I just don't experience that remorse. It literally leaves me on such a high of endorphins I notice I'm a more likable person for days following. I literally need it. I need friendship also...but that doesn't have to the same source of my romance. This deeper relationship thing will is either going to just happen or it will never happen but I don't believe there's a chance in heck I'm going to ***t a cool looking profile and smooth talk some online stranger into a friendship. When I'm not broke I'll probably just buy a mail order bride. As long as I'm broke I'll be forever alone it seems.

[Se****]

4 hours ago, Kaserai said:

I think most are raised vanilla, even if the family are into it. Unless its 24/7 power exchange it's not appropriate for kids to know what their parents get up to behind closed doors! Haha. I believe everything happens in it's time, i started the same age as you, Im only a year ahead and the more I learn I don't think I was in the right place emotionally or mentally. I also carried a lot of shame. Not because I felt like a freak but because I am outwardly dominant so I felt 'weak' in a way, I have major difficulties asking for help so I was i supposed to submit to someone? Was i a bad sub because of the chorus' of 'Submission is a gift' didn't ring with me and I felt submission was earned? Was i in the completely wrong place? I dont attend workshops with anyone, i go by myself and I refer to it as a zen retreat. For me everyone's been so friendly, everyone's fully clothes and it's strictly not sexual, we are just exploring as fellow travelers. There have been people there who don't involve in the social aspects but I guess you have to pick what's more comfortable for you, waiting for a magical unicorn to show you the way, or your comfort? I say unicorn cause as youre quickly learning... authentic people on here are few and far between, then you gotta hope they wanna come to workshops haha. I think not knowing where you stand is okay, as long as youre open about it so the person on the other end is aware as are you. There's nothing messier than not being able to control your own feelings, whatever comes, submissive or dominant i suppose. From my experience so far, anyone who bounds up to you instantly wanting to play has the wrong intentions, meaningfully or not. Even a guy a met irl wanted to start exploring kink in a planltonuc way and he overwhelmed himself and crashed within 3 months because he didn't put the ground work in. He got so excited for a kink buddy/play partner he couldn't work out his own feelings or separate the exploration from me and ultimately treated me in a really crappy way for overwhelming himself. I'd agree BDSM is a kinda secret religion - everyone's got their own interpretation of it and how the 'god' lays the land. Some doms think they're God's, some doms think they're submissives are God's. Some think *** is an absolute must have, some thing leather and chains are. As with any religion, I suppose in this metaphor, gotta work out who aligns to you

Out of curiosity what kind of workshops do you go to and where? It’s something I’d be interested in. If you’re happy to reply I’d love to know more. Also feel free to DM me if you’d rather - I didn’t want to just appear in your inbox without “speaking” first x

[Se****]

4 hours ago, Kaserai said:

I think most are raised vanilla, even if the family are into it. Unless its 24/7 power exchange it's not appropriate for kids to know what their parents get up to behind closed doors! Haha. I believe everything happens in it's time, i started the same age as you, Im only a year ahead and the more I learn I don't think I was in the right place emotionally or mentally. I also carried a lot of shame. Not because I felt like a freak but because I am outwardly dominant so I felt 'weak' in a way, I have major difficulties asking for help so I was i supposed to submit to someone? Was i a bad sub because of the chorus' of 'Submission is a gift' didn't ring with me and I felt submission was earned? Was i in the completely wrong place? I dont attend workshops with anyone, i go by myself and I refer to it as a zen retreat. For me everyone's been so friendly, everyone's fully clothes and it's strictly not sexual, we are just exploring as fellow travelers. There have been people there who don't involve in the social aspects but I guess you have to pick what's more comfortable for you, waiting for a magical unicorn to show you the way, or your comfort? I say unicorn cause as youre quickly learning... authentic people on here are few and far between, then you gotta hope they wanna come to workshops haha. I think not knowing where you stand is okay, as long as youre open about it so the person on the other end is aware as are you. There's nothing messier than not being able to control your own feelings, whatever comes, submissive or dominant i suppose. From my experience so far, anyone who bounds up to you instantly wanting to play has the wrong intentions, meaningfully or not. Even a guy a met irl wanted to start exploring kink in a planltonuc way and he overwhelmed himself and crashed within 3 months because he didn't put the ground work in. He got so excited for a kink buddy/play partner he couldn't work out his own feelings or separate the exploration from me and ultimately treated me in a really crappy way for overwhelming himself. I'd agree BDSM is a kinda secret religion - everyone's got their own interpretation of it and how the 'god' lays the land. Some doms think they're God's, some doms think they're submissives are God's. Some think *** is an absolute must have, some thing leather and chains are. As with any religion, I suppose in this metaphor, gotta work out who aligns to you

Apologies it posted the same comment 3 times 🤦🏼‍♀️

Edited June 25, 2025 by SerendipitousKeeper
Duplicate comment

[Se****]

4 hours ago, Kaserai said:

I think most are raised vanilla, even if the family are into it. Unless its 24/7 power exchange it's not appropriate for kids to know what their parents get up to behind closed doors! Haha. I believe everything happens in it's time, i started the same age as you, Im only a year ahead and the more I learn I don't think I was in the right place emotionally or mentally. I also carried a lot of shame. Not because I felt like a freak but because I am outwardly dominant so I felt 'weak' in a way, I have major difficulties asking for help so I was i supposed to submit to someone? Was i a bad sub because of the chorus' of 'Submission is a gift' didn't ring with me and I felt submission was earned? Was i in the completely wrong place? I dont attend workshops with anyone, i go by myself and I refer to it as a zen retreat. For me everyone's been so friendly, everyone's fully clothes and it's strictly not sexual, we are just exploring as fellow travelers. There have been people there who don't involve in the social aspects but I guess you have to pick what's more comfortable for you, waiting for a magical unicorn to show you the way, or your comfort? I say unicorn cause as youre quickly learning... authentic people on here are few and far between, then you gotta hope they wanna come to workshops haha. I think not knowing where you stand is okay, as long as youre open about it so the person on the other end is aware as are you. There's nothing messier than not being able to control your own feelings, whatever comes, submissive or dominant i suppose. From my experience so far, anyone who bounds up to you instantly wanting to play has the wrong intentions, meaningfully or not. Even a guy a met irl wanted to start exploring kink in a planltonuc way and he overwhelmed himself and crashed within 3 months because he didn't put the ground work in. He got so excited for a kink buddy/play partner he couldn't work out his own feelings or separate the exploration from me and ultimately treated me in a really crappy way for overwhelming himself. I'd agree BDSM is a kinda secret religion - everyone's got their own interpretation of it and how the 'god' lays the land. Some doms think they're God's, some doms think they're submissives are God's. Some think *** is an absolute must have, some thing leather and chains are. As with any religion, I suppose in this metaphor, gotta work out who aligns to you

Apologies it posted the same comment 3 times 🤦🏼‍♀️

Edited June 25, 2025 by SerendipitousKeeper
Duplicate comment

[Ka****]

4 hours ago, flipflopfarmer said:

What you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. Unfortunately I feel like that overwhelming crash will be inevitable for me as sex is one of the most overwhelming emotional Rollercoaster I've ever experienced. I'm obviously curious, I'm obviously craving to go deeper into things. Fighting those urges turned into body mod master bastion sessions for better or worse. I agree entirely that a relationship is built on a framework of trust rather than lust alone. If I'm understanding you correctly you're saying there needs to be a friendship there. I call myself a Christian (I'm open to that conversation also) so finding somebody trustworthy, hypersexually kinky and morally agreeable feels very out of my control. I'm sick of being alone so I'm bouncing back and forth between compromise and lust. This feels entirely mentally unhealthy. I think I just need female attention to get my head straight but then there's my standards which make a one night stand seem like the move. Well except for that part about the spiritual connection I need with somebody in order to be fundamentally attracted to them. That "click" is like an aura that I sense. I think I'm going in circles. Idk. I appreciate your advice. You seem to read me better than I do.

The crash needs to be avoided by putting the mental and emotional work in up front. It absolutely is avoidable. Sex is like 10-20% of kink in my very limited experience but I'll let the veterans step in and correct me if in wrong. Absolutely there needs to be friendship, vanilla or otherwise, kink even more so which means it's not a quick fix. It feels out of control because it is out of control, and youre not standing in the storm yet, which is what you need to be able to do whether youre dominant, submissive or a switch. Sick of being alone being any level of motivator means being alone is exactly where you should be, because you are not safe, for a partner or for yourself. You absolutely do not need female attention to get your head straight, noone is responsible for your mental health or happiness apart from you. Putting that burden on another is not only incredibly selfish (if you can't be bothered or are being unsuccessful why should it be someone else's responsibility?) But incredibly damaging, youre setting them up to fail as they'll never be enough. As it has to come from you. And damaging to you as you'll always feel let down!

Honestly I'd check into therapy, first to accept yourself (not identify yourself as a freak), to deal with the anger of being brain washed, to understand how your religion intertwined with kink, or accepting it doesn't and being okay, standing in the storm, subs and doms alike should not be getting validation solely from their partners, it needs to come from within, and ultimately it you can't make yourself happy by finding comfort in yourself there's no chance anyone else will be successful. Just like therapy isn't a quick fix, neither is kink, though I can understand why you think it would be. It's just a bandaid over a gaping wound, a wound you can (and must) heal :)

[Ka****]

37 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said:

Out of curiosity what kind of workshops do you go to and where? It’s something I’d be interested in. If you’re happy to reply I’d love to know more. Also feel free to DM me if you’d rather - I didn’t want to just appear in your inbox without “speaking” first x

Hey there! Youre welcome to message me :) Thanks so much for checking first! I focus on Shibari workshops and the ones I attend are in the peak district.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, Kaserai said:

I think here has ruined itself because going to mainstream

Agreed. For me the app was the main issue.

For me... so I've been here since the early days, and this doesn't mean my views hold any more weight than anyone elses - but I've seen changes over time.   At first it was a bit of a slow burner, and yep there were always kinda issues with people that didn't quite get it, as would be expected.

Initially, it was available everywhere but the English version of the site (given it's an expansion of German sites) was promoted only really in the UK, but there was slow growth in other countries - I know it was especially frustrating for US users who found the site as they could easily be NO ONE in a 100 mile radius.  Or maybe one match. So it's like "Hey, it's just you and me...." which could go one of two ways.  

Anyhow.  When the app dropped it grew - insanely - almost overnight.  They didn't region lock the app so it basically dropped to all markets at the same time - and of course people on the site downloaded it, people looking for dating sites had it recommended, searching for Fetlife found the app - and it hit off so much that it hit number 1, globally, in the download charts so was recommended to EVERYONE 

So yeah, this recommended to a lot of people who it really wasn't suitable for, or who misunderstood it, or was just having a look.

I still feel... there didn't need to be an app.  It seems to have eroded user experience more than it enhanced it - the censorship in the forums due to it, the people finding it who shouldn't be here, so on.  

[fl****]

5 hours ago, Kaserai said:

The crash needs to be avoided by putting the mental and emotional work in up front. It absolutely is avoidable. Sex is like 10-20% of kink in my very limited experience but I'll let the veterans step in and correct me if in wrong. Absolutely there needs to be friendship, vanilla or otherwise, kink even more so which means it's not a quick fix. It feels out of control because it is out of control, and youre not standing in the storm yet, which is what you need to be able to do whether youre dominant, submissive or a switch. Sick of being alone being any level of motivator means being alone is exactly where you should be, because you are not safe, for a partner or for yourself. You absolutely do not need female attention to get your head straight, noone is responsible for your mental health or happiness apart from you. Putting that burden on another is not only incredibly selfish (if you can't be bothered or are being unsuccessful why should it be someone else's responsibility?) But incredibly damaging, youre setting them up to fail as they'll never be enough. As it has to come from you. And damaging to you as you'll always feel let down!

Honestly I'd check into therapy, first to accept yourself (not identify yourself as a freak), to deal with the anger of being brain washed, to understand how your religion intertwined with kink, or accepting it doesn't and being okay, standing in the storm, subs and doms alike should not be getting validation solely from their partners, it needs to come from within, and ultimately it you can't make yourself happy by finding comfort in yourself there's no chance anyone else will be successful. Just like therapy isn't a quick fix, neither is kink, though I can understand why you think it would be. It's just a bandaid over a gaping wound, a wound you can (and must) heal :)

I never said my religion and kink don't intertwine. That's a common social misconception pirated and orchestrated since the Vatican and it evolved into mainstream religion. Look at who Jesus was friends with if you would like to know my religion. It sounds like you're saying I'm going to set up any girl to fail expectation wise. Okay then I should just kink with them and GTFO of their life after that i guess...not what I want to do but it sounds like my company isn't worth it's own weight in positivity. Again, respectfully, I've been weather a storm for what feels like my whole freaking life so to hear you say I can't stand alone hurts me just a little bit. IDFC but to be honest this is why I need a female. I need something to pour love into because this isn't calming me down this is just pushing me away and leaving me feel like an outcast. I'm glad you enjoy playing with ropes and you think that's the freakiest shit...so now I'm not allowed to even use the term because I don't have the body count. Thanks for your input but I'm rapidly losing hope I will find anybody and this is feeling like an increasing waste of time. I don't need therapy. If I wasn't going to pay somebody to pretend they were my friend then again...I'd hire a hooker.

[fl****]

5 hours ago, Kaserai said:

The crash needs to be avoided by putting the mental and emotional work in up front. It absolutely is avoidable. Sex is like 10-20% of kink in my very limited experience but I'll let the veterans step in and correct me if in wrong. Absolutely there needs to be friendship, vanilla or otherwise, kink even more so which means it's not a quick fix. It feels out of control because it is out of control, and youre not standing in the storm yet, which is what you need to be able to do whether youre dominant, submissive or a switch. Sick of being alone being any level of motivator means being alone is exactly where you should be, because you are not safe, for a partner or for yourself. You absolutely do not need female attention to get your head straight, noone is responsible for your mental health or happiness apart from you. Putting that burden on another is not only incredibly selfish (if you can't be bothered or are being unsuccessful why should it be someone else's responsibility?) But incredibly damaging, youre setting them up to fail as they'll never be enough. As it has to come from you. And damaging to you as you'll always feel let down!

Honestly I'd check into therapy, first to accept yourself (not identify yourself as a freak), to deal with the anger of being brain washed, to understand how your religion intertwined with kink, or accepting it doesn't and being okay, standing in the storm, subs and doms alike should not be getting validation solely from their partners, it needs to come from within, and ultimately it you can't make yourself happy by finding comfort in yourself there's no chance anyone else will be successful. Just like therapy isn't a quick fix, neither is kink, though I can understand why you think it would be. It's just a bandaid over a gaping wound, a wound you can (and must) heal :)

To be clear, I'm ***ed off because I see this culture doing the same thing as the churches but in an opposite manner. Sexual immorality is not a black and white topic. There seems to be this stigma that you can't be a Christian and behave kinky. I don't believe that. Unfortunately these "churches" are full of people self-justifying their vanilla lifestyle as the only morally acceptable way in the eyes of God and thus it not only becomes their identity but they hold it self-rightously and press their lifestyle on others...which nobody has ever liked, ever. Obviously you identify as a freak because you're calling me out like I stepped out of line for trying to co-identify as such. Is being a freak your religion, your identify or your hobby? There seems to be a stigma of "I'm into BDSM, I don't go to church lol." Why the heck not? That's where I stand and that's the person I cannot find which I am seeking. I can't find them at church and I can't find them in this online orgy either.

[Ka****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Agreed. For me the app was the main issue.

For me... so I've been here since the early days, and this doesn't mean my views hold any more weight than anyone elses - but I've seen changes over time.   At first it was a bit of a slow burner, and yep there were always kinda issues with people that didn't quite get it, as would be expected.

Initially, it was available everywhere but the English version of the site (given it's an expansion of German sites) was promoted only really in the UK, but there was slow growth in other countries - I know it was especially frustrating for US users who found the site as they could easily be NO ONE in a 100 mile radius.  Or maybe one match. So it's like "Hey, it's just you and me...." which could go one of two ways.  

Anyhow.  When the app dropped it grew - insanely - almost overnight.  They didn't region lock the app so it basically dropped to all markets at the same time - and of course people on the site downloaded it, people looking for dating sites had it recommended, searching for Fetlife found the app - and it hit off so much that it hit number 1, globally, in the download charts so was recommended to EVERYONE 

So yeah, this recommended to a lot of people who it really wasn't suitable for, or who misunderstood it, or was just having a look.

I still feel... there didn't need to be an app.  It seems to have eroded user experience more than it enhanced it - the censorship in the forums due to it, the people finding it who shouldn't be here, so on.  

I defo like the app and I was one of those people looking for fetlife the app and ended up here. Guilty as charged! I've been told several times to go onto fetlife but im irked because of a lack of app, won't lie.

[Ka****]

2 hours ago, flipflopfarmer said:

I never said my religion and kink don't intertwine. That's a common social misconception pirated and orchestrated since the Vatican and it evolved into mainstream religion. Look at who Jesus was friends with if you would like to know my religion. It sounds like you're saying I'm going to set up any girl to fail expectation wise. Okay then I should just kink with them and GTFO of their life after that i guess...not what I want to do but it sounds like my company isn't worth it's own weight in positivity. Again, respectfully, I've been weather a storm for what feels like my whole freaking life so to hear you say I can't stand alone hurts me just a little bit. IDFC but to be honest this is why I need a female. I need something to pour love into because this isn't calming me down this is just pushing me away and leaving me feel like an outcast. I'm glad you enjoy playing with ropes and you think that's the freakiest shit...so now I'm not allowed to even use the term because I don't have the body count. Thanks for your input but I'm rapidly losing hope I will find anybody and this is feeling like an increasing waste of time. I don't need therapy. If I wasn't going to pay somebody to pretend they were my friend then again...I'd hire a hooker.

Dude youre very conflicted as to being a Christian and a kinkster or if they align at all. Thats what I got from your message. You have a lot of hate and anger inside you which makes you unable to emotionally regulate which is a serious issue for both sides of the fence. I have lived Christianity, I went to church when I was younger and that's how it sounds because you are, and I've explained why. You're looking for Mrs right to get rid of all that guilt, shame and anger and she's not going to be able to do that. You need to do that and no you should leave everyone and anyone alone in kink or vanilla until you sort your head out. It hurts because I've touched a nerve and some self reflection would tell you its true, noone gets this angry and defensive otherwise. You dont need a woman you need you and you need to stop thinking woman are here for you to take our your frustration from. To be blunt mate, youre terrifying. Im 4000 miles away thank goodness but I am genuinely scared for any woman to come into contact with you as you not only have no self control, no emotional regulation and you are entitled and expectant a woman will 'fix' you. Therapists are professionals, not your mate! And they certainly won't fuck you. They're there to help you stop being so freaking angry and I wasn't talking to you about the ropes either. Nor do I think im special or freaky cause im into ropes. Unlike you - I dont think im special cause im into kink. I dont go around parading my kinks ste more specialer or kinkier than yours cause it makes you look like a dbag.

You literally can't be kinky and Christian, for a start it's a sacred act between man and woman, no extras. No sex until marriage and sex is for reproducing, not pleasure.

I am not a freak at all, religiously hobbiest, through identitiy or otherwise, and I don't appreciate you telling me how I think and feel. But well done for proving my point you are a danger to the kink community.

You are a vile and very troubled human being and i wont be engaging with you any further. You absolutely need some very serious help not because youre a freak but because you have no regulation or control.

[fl****]

8 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

Dude youre very conflicted as to being a Christian and a kinkster or if they align at all. Thats what I got from your message. You have a lot of hate and anger inside you which makes you unable to emotionally regulate which is a serious issue for both sides of the fence. I have lived Christianity, I went to church when I was younger and that's how it sounds because you are, and I've explained why. You're looking for Mrs right to get rid of all that guilt, shame and anger and she's not going to be able to do that. You need to do that and no you should leave everyone and anyone alone in kink or vanilla until you sort your head out. It hurts because I've touched a nerve and some self reflection would tell you its true, noone gets this angry and defensive otherwise. You dont need a woman you need you and you need to stop thinking woman are here for you to take our your frustration from. To be blunt mate, youre terrifying. Im 4000 miles away thank goodness but I am genuinely scared for any woman to come into contact with you as you not only have no self control, no emotional regulation and you are entitled and expectant a woman will 'fix' you. Therapists are professionals, not your mate! And they certainly won't fuck you. They're there to help you stop being so freaking angry and I wasn't talking to you about the ropes either. Nor do I think im special or freaky cause im into ropes. Unlike you - I dont think im special cause im into kink. I dont go around parading my kinks ste more specialer or kinkier than yours cause it makes you look like a dbag.

You literally can't be kinky and Christian, for a start it's a sacred act between man and woman, no extras. No sex until marriage and sex is for reproducing, not pleasure.

I am not a freak at all, religiously hobbiest, through identitiy or otherwise, and I don't appreciate you telling me how I think and feel. But well done for proving my point you are a danger to the kink community.

You are a vile and very troubled human being and i wont be engaging with you any further. You absolutely need some very serious help not because youre a freak but because you have no regulation or control.

You neither understand me or Christianity.

[ey****]

32 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

I defo like the app and I was one of those people looking for fetlife the app and ended up here. Guilty as charged! I've been told several times to go onto fetlife but im irked because of a lack of app, won't lie.

without wishing to backpeddle, I won't see the app is all bad - but it did create a noticeable shift 

[Ka****]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

without wishing to backpeddle, I won't see the app is all bad - but it did create a noticeable shift 

Sadly i can imagine :( Ease of access (and a guilty party here) feel like you should have to write a widdle essay like 'what does kink mean to you' 'what is the difference between a top and a dom' haha. Talks about Fet being a safe place... protect us from fakes, to bring it back to topic 🤣

[So****]

Exactly I have the same issue so much fake profiles asking if I have what’s app or other forms of communication msg me here period

[Ra****]

Yeah it’s pretty bad. Unfortunately OF and Fansly, and all these other apps out there are now flooded with “content creators” pretty sad if you ask me. It’s like okay it’s one thing to utilize Onlyfans or Fansly and whatnot it’s just sad that it’s infiltrated ever real app out there for those who are wanting a “quick buck” instead of a real life partner or fun.

[ey****]

59 minutes ago, RavnOwl said:

it’s just sad that it’s infiltrated ever real app out there for those who are wanting a “quick buck” instead of a real life partner or fun.

other than the fact this is nothing to do with the OP which you clearly haven't read or understood

What about the guys who have their own idea of a "quick buck" - who are not serious about kink or relationships but want a hook up? 

[AKA_Copper]

June 25, flipflopfarmer said:

To be clear, I'm ***ed off because I see this culture doing the same thing as the churches but in an opposite manner. Sexual immorality is not a black and white topic. There seems to be this stigma that you can't be a Christian and behave kinky. I don't believe that. Unfortunately these "churches" are full of people self-justifying their vanilla lifestyle as the only morally acceptable way in the eyes of God and thus it not only becomes their identity but they hold it self-rightously and press their lifestyle on others...which nobody has ever liked, ever. Obviously you identify as a freak because you're calling me out like I stepped out of line for trying to co-identify as such. Is being a freak your religion, your identify or your hobby? There seems to be a stigma of "I'm into BDSM, I don't go to church lol." Why the heck not? That's where I stand and that's the person I cannot find which I am seeking. I can't find them at church and I can't find them in this online orgy either.

Maybe you should read the actual OP to understand what this site/app can be. I can guarantee you though, it is not an "online orgy," which will likely be the reason you wont find the person you're seeking here.