Fake Subs ❓

[Os****]

Fake subs?
Submissive's fake, and found it spot on and got a chuckle from it too
                                    ®️AAD™️

Warning: Soapbox Ranting/Rambling Ahead...

Read on or skedaddle, biscuits are definitely required and play nice.
Calling a submissive fake because they questioned an instruction is unadulterated bullshit at best and cruel manipulation at worst.
Respectfully questioning an instruction/order because it is/was unclear, unsafe, not possible, not pre-negotiated/agreed to, or not consensual is exactly the right thing to do and is what a submissive should do in the event of any of the above occurring.
It is responsible, productive, and the clever thing to do under dodgy circumstances - no matter what flavor of BDSM governance one adheres to.
Because here’s the thing:- blind compliance in the event of unclear parameters, lack of negotiation, and/or uncertain consent is not submission.

Submitting is not about being bullied, coerced, or manipulated by a person or situation.

Dominating is not about bullying, coercing, or manipulating a person or situation

We know this. We know that BDSM does not stand for *bully" *damage* *scar* *maim* …

Btw - BDSM stands for bondage discipline/dominance sadism/submission masochism - in case your dictionary goblin is on a tea break.
Neither BDSM nor d/s is about bullying or being bullied/coercing or being coerced/manipulation or being manipulated. (if you think that it is about any of those things, I’m afraid you’ve overshot the runway and landed in a swamp called *** - sorry, no biscuits for you - please proceed straight back to ‘nillaville)
Respect, consent, trust, and safety are absolutely everything in d/s.
So why then, is it so common to hear people saying stupid shit like “submissives must always obey, no matter what” or “a true submissive would never question an order - they just trust their dominant”.
Trust goes both ways - dominants must be able to trust their sub to ask for clarity if they don’t understand and safeword if there is danger or withdrawal of consent. And a submissive must be able to trust that their Dom will listen and respect their call.
Unfortunately, the whole blind obedience thing seems to be getting way too much airplay and folks don’t seem to understand that it’s fine as fantasy but not How Things Actually Work. And sadly, people are getting hurt. Sometimes repeatedly because they don’t understand the basics of healthy power exchange and end up just being ***d by twatwombles.
In addition, recognizing that one is being bullied/manipulated and being able to remedy the situation is not necessarily as simple or easy as explaining one’s position and poof! problem solved. Often there are many other factors at play - sometimes really complicated ones.
Regardless, as the submissive in a D/s engagement/dynamic, one does have certain responsibilities, one of which is to safeword or otherwise call it if the situation warrants it.

For example: if and when an instruction is unclear/dangerous/not previously agreed to or not consensual. Blind obedience under such conditions puts both parties at extreme risk.

In other words, it is the submissive’s responsibility to make sure that they fully understand and enthusiastically consent to whatever is being asked of them. And if they don’t, it is their job to speak up - either to ask for clarity or to pull the plug.

Anything less than full understanding and educated, enthusiastic, ongoing consent is not submission or power exchange.
It may be helpful to keep the following in mind:
Compliance, obedience, and expectations thereof are not standard issues, one-size-fits-all applicable to every d/s dynamic/experience kind of thing. Like kinks, hard/soft limits, and other matters relevant to power exchange/kink-based relationships, they must be discussed, negotiated, and agreed to before engaging.
Until all the details have been hammered out and agreed to by all parties, the submissive party is not required to obey or comply with any instruction from the dominant party. And once all negotiations are complete and agreed to - by all parties - the submissive party still retains the right to ask as many questions as are necessary to ensure full understanding and full consent.
Personal responsibility, logic, manners, and basic decency do not get chucked out the window just because one has a sticker that says “Hi my name’s Candy and I’ll be your submissive for the evening” or one gets off on being told what to do. These aspects of human interpersonal relating actually become exponentially more important - not least of all because of the danger to life and limb.
So if a dominant gets all bent out of shape and takes the “you’re not a real sub” route when you don’t immediately drop to your knees, strip, and/or beg to polish their knob because it’s your first meeting and communication is apparently an abandoned city south of “we haven’t even ***y discussed kinks, limits, and expectations let alone negotiated whether kneeling is actually A Thing or not” - run the fuck away as fast as your legs will carry you - do not walk - do not stop to say “kthxbai” and for the love of fuck, do not think for one moment that you are a fake sub. You’re not. You’re a silly sub for not sorting that shit out long before agreeing to meet but you are one hundred percent a real live (emphasis on the live) submissive.
Submissive is who you are. Submission is something you offer to the person/people of your choosing under the terms and conditions of your choosing. Your identity as a submissive is not open to debate, criticism, or judgment by anyone. Ever.
So, ask the questions - ask all the fucking questions necessary to ensure the well-being, understanding, and consent of everyone involved. Respectfully, firmly and if needs be, repeatedly. That is your right and responsibility as the submissive.
Thank you for reading. Be well - be kind and play safe.

And remember: submission - like dominance, is a gift. And gifts come with responsibilities.


🎩Kinksters ⚔Primal-Dom🕯D/s🗝

[Th****]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 amen for that, i had a couple of guys on here try the whole weird domination and i bucked at it immediately and shut it down. Just because i’m on this site doesn’t mean my submission is IMMEDIATE. It’s EARNED, through mutual respect and communication.

[7F****]

High quality rant.

It’s a shame that so many Submissives are ***d to take on the responsibilities that a Dominant should inherently hold.

[Ve****]

I’ve experienced this, too. Demanding submissives are not submissive!

[BillyGoatBear]

Mine might be different- however it is plain on my profile what my wife and I are looking for.

Have had now aprox 7+ “ladies” contact with the wish to talk and see if we might match.
My wife and I were interested, thus we say let’s meet at a safe place library/park/restraunt that we all would feel safe at, to discuss our preferences and limitations..
No sooner that we say sure let’s meet, “Will I get $$$ help getting there cuz I don’t have a car or “whatever” family member needs medication ***- ECT ECT.
NOPE SORRY, hard no for us..
We would have paid for the meal and stuff but needing cash to get there to talk and then needing more cash to get meds.
Sorry we both say nope and tell them the meeting is canceled..

[Mi****]

A very commendable and coherent rant .

[Co****]

Its when Submissives start out on here they really need to know that xx

[Cu****]

Well ranted. I get the impression that many subs are under the impression that if they say/identify with such a role, then by saying so, they must be submissive to everyone that they come across on a site like this, and unfortunately there appear to be some doms who will perpetuate such a myth. As you suggest, a sub should ask questions. I suggest open ended, easy questions, that give no clues or cues as to what the person asking, is expecting for an answer. Just using simple questions beginning with who, why, what, when, which, where, how and if, make the “dominant” think. I’ve also seen some subs say that some doms tell them that they don’t need to know the answers, because the dom knows what’s good for them. Like that’s spinning their own egos even more, or accelerating their telepathy skills to see inside the head of a sub.
As others have said here, this piece needs to be read by all comers, and not just submissives, nor just male doms either.
Thank you again for your presentation.

[Pi****]

Not my definition of a fake sub

[EyeCantSeeYou]

If a dom would say to me that they know what's good for me, that's terrifying.

[lo****]

I had someone try to tell me I was a shit sub for not doing as they said within a few moments of finding out I am a sub. Sorry, not only are you NOT MY Dom, by your behavior you will NEVER be. Oh and I kept laughingly telling him "ofc I'm not obeying you! YOU aren't MY Dom! I'm not going to do a damned thing you say!"

Kept trying to push his my being a shit sub on me. Nope, just one who knows what my submission is worth.

[BillyGoatBear]

As a package DOM/sub - husband/wife,
We want to talk to a person to see what they need and require .
We have one we have kind of been talking to via Google chat,,
Her statement is and I quote/cut-copy

I want all that sir
I want to be used and ***b

That is her statement, there is no feelings or explanation of what makes you tick..

Makes us scared and unwilling to

[Deleted Member]

I still, after many years, find it astounding that people think they are entitled enough to *** their mantra or belief on others. BDSM can be unique and rules as you say, quite fluid. Nobody is Yoda.

[do****]

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 enough has already been said

[Donehere]

Thank you for this. Definitely needed to hear this as a new sub who has had someone make similar statements to me recently.

[Ft****]

I can’t even find the words to agree, not only with the post, but comments as well, without starting a rant of my own. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Encountering fake doms along your journey absolutely does have significant impacts that affect those who come into your life after them. Personally, I have become much more private and harsh as a result of who I’ve met. Especially when it comes to answering questions about myself on sites like this one. Everyone is now guilty until proven innocent. When I started this journey - when I was allowed to start this journey - three years ago, the anxiety I had posting a picture of myself, one that did not show my face I might add, was astronomical. It still is at times. It’s the reason some of my pictures are private. Not because they are questionable or revealing in any way shape or form. They are just, in my opinion, more likely to attract those that are not looking for the same thing I am.

Dating, in and of itself, is a very dangerous game regardless of the platform, but when you add the lifestyle into the mix, the risk is almost immeasurable at times. Those who are authentic, then have to fix what they didn’t break to a nearly unfair level, depending on where their partner came from. This healing process doesn’t just apply to Dominants either. I have met submissives who are just as manipulative and conniving in their so-called submission as the dominants I’ve encountered. Whether that’s because they don’t know what it really means, or they truly had nefarious intentions, doesn’t really matter. either way, the ability to trust anyone else is gone. I can only hope that it’s not gone forever, but that might just be a self-serving wish.

So much for telling myself I wasn’t going to go into a rant. Thank you so much for sharing this post and all of the comments.

[fr****]

Thank you for this amazing post! ✉️

[Rh****]

"So why then, is it so common to hear people saying stupid shit like “submissives must always obey, no matter what” or “a true submissive would never question an order - they just trust their dominant”.

Because they are fake dom/dommes who just downloaded their copy of "How to make *** being a domme" from Etsy.

My dommes have ALWAYS supported me in setting limits, saying 'no' or calling a time out when I needed a break during a scene. They even have tested me with requests to make sure I stood up for myself followed by praise when I did. True doms/dommes know that subs are eager to please and sometimes will get caught up in saying yes to everything. This can cause harm so it is important to trust that your partner will speak up when necessary. My dommes have respected me and because of this, my trust in them has grown because I knew they were looking out for me. I knew that while they may hurt me, they would never harm me.