When is it a good time to bring up being a sub?

[Deleted Member]

Now that I’m going back into dating how do I go about telling men about me being a sub both sexually and non sexually without being sexualized?

Most of the time I let them know not right away, but maybe after the first two dates. Usually then they get all “oh really?” Then try to get all “dominant” on me.

I feel like if I don’t tell them until I’m comfortable enough being sexual then finding out they aren’t into it that I’ll get disappointed and it’ll ruin everything.

What do I do? This is not a need more of a want, but I deserve to live the lifestyle I want. I also get weird when they say they aren’t into it but “are willing to try it”. Like that’s awesome, but what if they try it and aren’t into it? Then would I have wasted my time? Or do I get over it?

This is all so confusing because I don’t want to get sexualized, but I also don’t want to wait too long and feelings become involved.

[ma****]

Anyone who is seriously into the dynamic won’t start trying to ‘dom’ you when you say what you enjoy. They would carry on chatting mention they are into the dynamic as well May chat about kink but they’re interested in finding if you are a match by chatting about mutual other interests. It’s like any other relationship development. You will find the right person it just takes time even on sites like this

[nineinside]

I think it's the same time you have enough trust and faith that you would be ok and safe if they tied you up. Bdsm is all about trust, so is dating. So when you feel safe with them, that's when I'd say to discuss. There is no rush, and it avoided their distorted reality

[su****]

I don't have any good advice here because I am super upfront about stuff and what I'm looking for and it's a lot for a lot of men on here. I just don't believe in wasting time. But that approach absolutely gets you sexualized almost immediately, almost every time. Which is why my response rate is low lol. Also I've noticed there's a LOT of men on here parading as Doms who are in fact super predatory. I immediately block them when that happens. Please be careful. 💜

[Deleted Member]

The sooner the better, if I was to meet/talk to someone away from a site like this, I would inform the person straight away before any attachment is formed. You don't have to have a sexual conversation but more enquire do they know what dom/sub is & take it from there.

[Vilhelm007]

Be up front at the beginning if they don’t get it, you were not meant to be !

[Sa****]

I understand your dilemma, and props to you for knowing what you want out of a potential relationship. If you want a dominant man that matches your submissive energy, I don’t think you should outright tell them until after some time and several dates - once they’ve earned that information from you. But they should only get to that stage with you after you’ve sniffed out their dominant capabilities. Because as you’ve already seen, some men can say or think they’re dominant but then they’re actions don’t live up to your expectation. It’s going to be up to you to give them little tests here and there to see how they act or what they might do in a certain situation, both sexual and non-sexual. In the first few dates and your initial communications, you can ask them questions.. sexual ones could be, “do you like chocking? Are you strong? Do you think you could throw me around, command me or put me into positions?” Non-sexual could be questions that let them take charge of the situation. If they’re naturally okay with taking the lead on plans you might be making or where you go if you were to go for a walk around town just winging it, they are naturally carrying that dominant energy. Dance around the subject, because maybe he doesn’t even know he’s dominant, but you bring that side out of him. Only outright say it once you’ve already confirmed it yourself so no one gets weird on you 😄 And you say it’s a want but these might actually be needs deep down, and not vetting out these men that aren’t capable of fulfilling them could lead to you desiring something more later on. So this is important, and you shouldn’t settle for less. Ultimately, this is why we date, to see if someone’s right for us. Have patience in the meantime, he’s out there 😊

[Deleted Member]

Be forward with what you want but make sure he/she is willing to take on the dominant roll in your life and that they are worthy of it.
So many fakes out there thanks to 50 shades.

[un****]

personally i don’t inform people right away i wait till we know each other a bit and i see how they act etc before i disclose anything

[Cheekysub247]

I personally only date those in the lifestyle, but if by chance i met a gent while out and about and was fond of him then i would bring it up the first date, or even in chat before we got to the date.
If its defo something you want in your life then you need to be open about it, maybe not all details but just suggest it and see the reaction.
They might just say not their thing, they might be open to it. At least then you can move forward or thank them for a lovely time but ....

[Dr****]

You just explained it perfectly

[Deleted Member]

I think the way you’re doing it is just fine…because now you know the kind of answers/responses you’ll typically receive & now you can take the next step , which is to move on from those ppl. Hitting them with “thanks but no thanks” … if they try to get all “dominant” on you, or say they’re “willing to try it.”
I don’t want to assume but it sounds like you want someone already into the lifestyle or at the very least knows about it and are learning themselves. So, I would avoid the “let’s try and see” and the ones who try to fake it altogether when you tell them about being a sub. I know it’s hard out here, so stay safe & don’t give up ✨

[fe****]

It all depends on what you want and what you’re looking for. I personally bring up bdsm off the bat because I don’t want to lead anyone on/be lead on. It’d kinda suck to be talking for 2 months building a bond then realising you aren’t sexually compatible.

If you’re looking for a more soft bdsm dynamic then I’d say bring it up later as you said. If your looking for something more intense I’d say you should bring it up very early on.

[Deleted Member]

As a dude, you can say it whenever you want. A good dude won't care. Just be open about it

[ri****]

It’s in a man’s nature: he is either dominant or not or something n between lol. I was never attracted to meb who I can actually dom. That trait has to be present within them, and gradually that dom sub balance will be established.

[St****]

In my case I can tell you that not saying it from the very beginning created a lot of resentment from both parties, eventually leading to a 20 year marriage breaking down.

I used to think that over time things would work out and she would understand and since my kinks are pretty easy to fulfill, I'd give her what she wants and she'd give me what I want.

Unfortunately, if the other person is not into your submissive side, you're out of luck. There's nothing worse than someone pretending to be a dominant person or submissive person during sex, just to do a favor. And trust me it won't last long either. The favors will eventually end. What's up with relationship is that anyway? People should love and support each other even in that department.

Therefore, I would STRONGLY recommend that IF you feel that you will not have a fulfilling life unless your sexual desires are met, you advertise it as soon as possible in the relationship so that you can have a long lasting one, rather than wait forever for something that will never come.

You seem like a nice person, I wish you the very best and to find the right person for you!

[de****]

If it isnt something that u guys expose before, have him in bed once or twice, if he fits u in general. It might expose things. If nothing gets in bdsm way there, id bring it up and ask if he experienced something in "our field"

[Galen66]

Anyone who is serious about the lifestyle, knows the protocol and is worth your time would already know that it shouldn’t be only sexual. BDSM does NOT = sex!!

[ki****]

Definitely early on. I think you've got it about right, on or soon after second date. If you're not compatible sexually, then at least you both aren't wasting your time. There's nothing to stop you from both continuing to be friends even if you're not compatible.
Also if they start to be "dominant" without wanting to get to know you. Then I would question their suitability. As I always say, being submissive is a gift you give. Not something a dom should assume is their right.

[Deleted Member]

I tell them after a few dates. That’s about a month or so. I never tell a man immediately after meeting him. Most of the time they’ll assume it’s just about rough sex if I tell them right away. Plus, they figure it out on their own that I am submissive because of my energy and personality. I like to see if a man has dominant traits and character before I tell him about my submissive side.

[Do****]

If the guy judges you than he isn’t for you. You want a man who won’t. Be open the worst is that he won’t like it. It’ll be his loss not yours.

[po****]

I'm stuck in the same place I don't know how to bring it up to a woman if your like to chat we can talk more about it

[po****]

I am a nub tho

[Ha****]

First decide whether you want a dom for a dom’s sake or one in a Ltr… then you have to feel out their personality and whether it’s in their nature because some men… might not be into it or like me… I have to be in a relationship to with a sub in order to get the release from being a dom.

[Lu****]

It seems you have asked yourself what you want and know what it is you are looking for to meet those needs. I found being on here or other similar makes it alittle bit easier to be open about having kinks.
You didn't specify but I'm assuming you are meeting these potential dates from vanilla dating apps/sites. If that's the case then be open as soon as possible or when you feel comfortable with the person not to waste time and find someone who is a better fit for you.