My new guy needs me to submit... How do I know this isn't the beginning of an abusive relationship?

[Chloebear]

12 hours ago, masterful said:

Did you consent to being his submissive? If not it’s ***

This is honestly very concerning. Do not believe this as a beginner. You do not give blanket consent to everything by agreeing to sub.

[Deleted Member]

It’s heartwarming to see how people look out for each other on this site.

Well done to SubQuestioning for raising the issue and everybody for warning and helping her.

[SubQuestioning]

50 minutes ago, switch6962 said:

It’s heartwarming to see how people look out for each other on this site.

Well done to SubQuestioning for raising the issue and everybody for warning and helping her.

It is heartwarming. Means a lot to me. 

I feel a little frightened as I'm connecting dots and realizing where there have likely been a lot of lies. Not completely sure how to extricate myself. 

How unfortunate. It was such a nice dream until it wasn't.

[Chloebear]

40 minutes ago, SubQuestioning said:

It is heartwarming. Means a lot to me. 

I feel a little frightened as I'm connecting dots and realizing where there have likely been a lot of lies. Not completely sure how to extricate myself. 

How unfortunate. It was such a nice dream until it wasn't.

You say that you have become aware that there is a way of doing things that has respect, consent and communication at its heart, and you feel this doesn’t reflect your recent experience. You are looking to continue your journey elsewhere and are therefore ending the dynamic. Or something like that…. If he continues to contact you, state clearly that you wish him to respect your request and stop. If he continues and has your address, you can say you will involve legal means if necessary…. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, and even if it does saying that you are prepared to get legal support if required to stop contact will usually be enough. I would personally state that I am blocking almost straight away if I have safety concerns, but if he has your address I understand it could be a little more complex.

There are threads on here about common red flags and good safety measures, I think some specifically for if you’re new. Not everyone is like this but there are, unfortunately, plenty who present themselves as Doms who are simply abusive. People on here always happy to help :)

[do****]

I haven't been around this many intelligent people in one space since 7th grade Accelerated & Enrichment classes. Way to support, guide, & love. I would of like a lot more comments but it was overwhelming lol. I appreciate you ❤️

[bu****]

So I’ve unfortunately had lots of experience with men who fashion themselves to be doms but are actually just broken humans. In my experience, it’s better to just get out while you can. It hurts, your connection to this human my feel so strong that your heart will break if you walk away. But it won’t. You’ll be okay, and you’ll remember that you are worth the work it takes to be a strong human.

[Deleted Member]

So many red flags. I have a couple of great articles I can send you. Please DM me. I am happy to help and answer questions. This man does not sound like he has your best interests at heart!!!

[SubQuestioning]

52 minutes ago, Peonycharm said:

So many red flags. I have a couple of great articles I can send you. Please DM me. I am happy to help and answer questions. This man does not sound like he has your best interests at heart!!!

Maybe it's just because I haven't figured out this forum yet, but I wasn't able to message you. It only would let me send you a "kinky gift."

 

But yes, id be very interested in your articles.

[BigPolly]

You’re here asking if this is right because your instinct tells you it’s not….you already know the answer!

there is a difference between ***/bullying & allowing someone to have control over you with your say-so but you can already see the difference without ever being in a BDSM relationship before which shows you already have a far better insight into this than the guy who’s trying to bully you.

you deserve better for yourself 😊

[mi****]

A sub is a sub by choice. It shouldn’t be ***d upon you. If you’re not enjoying it, it is not right for you - no matter what he’s asking. Trust your gut and get out of there

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, SubQuestioning said:

Maybe it's just because I haven't figured out this forum yet, but I wasn't able to message you. It only would let me send you a "kinky gift."

 

But yes, id be very interested in your articles.

Sent you an article! I am happy to chat!

[ThumperG]

8 hours ago, SubQuestioning said:

Maybe it's just because I haven't figured out this forum yet, but I wasn't able to message you. It only would let me send you a "kinky gift."

 

But yes, id be very interested in your articles.

I'm going to try messaging you later on this evening when I get done doll ok? I am involved with different levels of advocacy but don't have my main advocate on your state any longer. So I'm going to try to reach out and see who possible eyes and ears by you. I am outta NY State and today... I'm actually working in a different time zone so I have to go TO SLEEP in a bit ok? I've been on flipped sleep for like 3 days, so it's 11:30 a.m. it's time for bed and let's try to connect. Anytime POST 3:30/4:00, a travel mug of coffee and I should be somewhat human again~Mistress 😉💜😎😂

[SubQuestioning]

On 4/12/2023 at 9:01 PM, SubQuestioning said:

I have zero experience with BDSM relationships. I've been dating a self-described "BDSM enthusiast" for about three months. There are a lot of good things and a lot of things that make me nervous. Right now for the relationship to continue he needs me to submit to him fully, but I'm very hesitant with the things he has demanded I do.

 

Examples of things he has demanded:

- I have rules. There are things I have been doing my entire small-town life that he has decided are unsafe and therefore not allowed.

- After a fight, he "requested" I fuck a random man and send him photographic evidence to prove that I've given him control of my sexuality. I told him that would be too ***ful at that time. He said he understands it's ***ful and that's why he needs me to do it - he needs me to do something extreme and uncomfortable so that he knows he owns my sexuality.

- When I hesitate to do what he tells me to do (he is clear that he is telling me, not asking) he associates it with trust. He thinks I don't trust him and his decisions if I don't follow him blindly. I don't understand what it has to do with trust. I just want information before I'm doing something I don't understand.

 

In the bedroom, in the privacy of just the two of us, I haven't minded submitting. In life, it feels like a slippery slope to an abusive and controlling relationship. If he truly is able to take care of my needs, then although I don't love it, I guess I can hand over that control. But I don't understand how that works on a practical level this early in a relationship. How can he know me well enough to provide for my emotional needs?

 

So... My question is: how do I know the difference between normal needs for a dom, and what are red flags?

Thank you all for your help. Seeing so many people affirm that this is not healthy Dom behavior gave me what I needed to investigate further. Turns out he has been with likely at least ten women while he was "exclusively" with me. I was violated in terrible ways and am very grateful for you all giving me the perspective I needed to see the gaslighting and manipulation for what it was. 

He said that he has no anxiety or stress, and I've seen that and can confirm. He lies chronically. He doesn't care about breaking the law or risking professional consequences. He doesn't care when he gets caught and continues to do it. These are all listed as criteria for APD, commonly referred to as sociopathy or psychopathy.

Grateful to all of you for helping me know to question his talented manipulation techniques. Because of your advice I treated him cautiously and took the time necessary to back away slowly, letting him get bored with me and feel power in breaking up with me. It took a week but was totally worth it and hopefully he will never text me again.

Not sure men are worth it. I enjoyed the sub thing the first few times when he was getting me to trust him, but it was all so calculated. Seems like my toys are safer.

[Deleted Member]

Great to hear

[Chloebear]

So sorry this was your experience, but glad to read you have got clear safely. Not all are like that… but it is something you will encounter. Wishing you better future partners xx

[Deleted Member]

You know what to look for now and what a Dom-sub relationship should be about. You could Dom or sub depending on your inclination. Whatever you do, you can apply your own controls regarding limits and boundaries.

You proved that you are streetwise and intelligent. It’s a pity that these personalities interfere with healthy dynamics in BDSM.

[Sy****]

Your instincts are saying you don't trust him to catch you when you fall. He hasn't earned the title of Dom and for him to lay demands on you like having relationships with another person to show you trust him...is ridiculous. Unless this js apart of the dynamic that has been discussed before hand... red flag. Your submission isn't for someone to demand. It's a gift.

[an****]

The guy was an asshole. You could feel it. You knew it and got out. Good call.

[Nocturne-8767]

Sounds like the type of person who doesn't want to Dom to have a healthy dynamic, but rather to feed his own ego. I'm glad that you got out, hopefully you will be able to connect with people that are not so selfish as him.

[RainbowTea]

Ohhh yikes, yeah those are ALL huge red flags for sure. 😬

First off, submission should be treated as the exact same as, and with the same care and caution as, trust and consent. A Dom/me should NEVER demand your submission before you're ready to give it. Submission is earned, just like trust and consent are earned, never demanded. Another thing is a Dom/me should NEVER ask or demand you do something that wasn't previously negotiated and agreed upon. He doesn't have the right to demand you do something you didn't discuss prior, and IF he tries, you have EVERY right to use your safe word and opt out. If he doesn't respect that fact, RUN. FAST.

This guy was a clear ***r looking to find someone they could *** with the title of "Dom" as an excuse to ***. A Dom/me's normal needs may range from person to person, but the universal rule is that ALL Dom/mes should work to earn your submission just like they would work to earn your trust and consent, just like any vanilla person and relationship. Handing over submission and control to someone who hasn't earned it via gaining your trust first, only sets you up for ***. Keep in mind some ***rs will try to trick their targets into a false assumption of trust by love-bombing as well. It takes time to vet a person and observe their behaviour to try to spot any potential red flags. If you don't feel like 3 months is enough time to really get to know a person and judge their level of trustworthiness (or lack of), then it's not enough to hand over control and submission. I personally think 3 months isn't long enough - ideally I prefer minimally 6 months, and in some cases up to 12 months, depending on the person and circumstances, and how often you get to observe them in everyday normal life.

Normal needs for a Dom/me are the same as they would be for anyone who isn't a Dom/me. Declaring one's self a D doesn't change what their normal needs are. Submission is not a need, it's a privilege. A privilege that NOBODY is entitled to, even a Dom/me.

[Shananddr]

Just because they say they are a dom does not mean they are. A true dom will care for you as the masterpiece you are. He sounds abusive and insecure at best

[Firefox_]

Wow. 3 months barely enough time for you both to vet the relationship before even going into a proper D/s relationship. Sounds like a wannabe Dom who just wants a way to be abusive. No Dom worth their weight would try forcing you to go against what you're comfortable with. The Vetting stage is very much for you as well as him, if you're not comfortable, you can say no! Fake Dom's use this whole spile of your not really a sub if you don't just do as I say, but submission is because you trust them and know they have your best interests at heart and want to submit. Honestly he sounds like a right piece of work 😕