My new guy needs me to submit... How do I know this isn't the beginning of an abusive relationship?

[SubQuestioning]

I have zero experience with BDSM relationships. I've been dating a self-described "BDSM enthusiast" for about three months. There are a lot of good things and a lot of things that make me nervous. Right now for the relationship to continue he needs me to submit to him fully, but I'm very hesitant with the things he has demanded I do.

 

Examples of things he has demanded:

- I have rules. There are things I have been doing my entire small-town life that he has decided are unsafe and therefore not allowed.

- After a fight, he "requested" I fuck a random man and send him photographic evidence to prove that I've given him control of my sexuality. I told him that would be too painful at that time. He said he understands it's painful and that's why he needs me to do it - he needs me to do something extreme and uncomfortable so that he knows he owns my sexuality.

- When I hesitate to do what he tells me to do (he is clear that he is telling me, not asking) he associates it with trust. He thinks I don't trust him and his decisions if I don't follow him blindly. I don't understand what it has to do with trust. I just want information before I'm doing something I don't understand.

 

In the bedroom, in the privacy of just the two of us, I haven't minded submitting. In life, it feels like a slippery slope to an abusive and controlling relationship. If he truly is able to take care of my needs, then although I don't love it, I guess I can hand over that control. But I don't understand how that works on a practical level this early in a relationship. How can he know me well enough to provide for my emotional needs?

 

So... My question is: how do I know the difference between normal needs for a dom, and what are red flags?

[Cheekysub247]

Well.... not saying it 'is' or 'will be' an abusive relationship as things you describe can all be normal in a bdsm relationship however.....
He can not force them onto you , if those things arnt what you want to do 'freely' for him, and he then manipulates you to do them THEN its an abusive relationship.

[Ojosverdes]

I think you just answered your own question. As a woman, the best advice I can give you is to follow your gut. Follow yours instincts and never silence them. We have them for a reason.
Submission is earned and it can take a very long time to get there. You’re ready when you’re ready. No one has the right to demand that of you.
Be strong in your convictions and stand your ground. If something seems to be a red flag to you, don’t try to ignore it. ❤️❤️❤️

[Sl****]

You’re looking for more information and trust that he’s not providing? You’re a beginner and you have probably told him that right? Sounds like someone who wants to take advantage and yes do not follow anyone blindly.

I think what you’re doing here is super duper sensible and responsible. It sounds like a bunch of red flags 🚩 . Also self described BDSM enthusiast is just someone who’s interested in this lifestyle which I think a lot of us are?

Keep your boundaries exactly where you need them, don’t let them be crossed and broken, if others don’t respect it then.. Ciaooo

[Deleted Member]

To myself I just see this guy being one big erectile red flag. A submissive is a gift and the Dominant should nurture and love his submissive. That would generate normal trust where you could surrender yourself according to both your limits and boundaries.

Red flag 1 :- He wants to dictate, not discuss in a healthy way.
Red flag2 :- He does not want to explore your happiness and well being.
Red flag3 :- Manipulative abuse.

A good Dom/sub relationship is one that excites you both and quickens your breathing and heart. It must have a middle ground where both of your boundaries and limits meet.
You sound very intelligent and you basically have seen him coming.

GET OUT. There are plenty of fishes in the sea.

[Du****]

Girl, Run. He’s either straight-up abusive, or he’s just inexperienced as a Dom. Either way, he has no respect for your boundaries - and therefore, no respect for you. Step back and ask yourself if doing what he tells you (like, fucking a random guy? really?) will make YOU feel good and make YOU feel confident that your Dom has YOUR well-being and safety at the forefront of his mind. Submitting to him should make you feel like a Queen; what I’m sensing here is not that. You sound more like a frightened but instinctively sensible woman. Trust your instincts above all else.

[Cu****]

If this dom is to be trusted, then he will have given you loads of opportunities to discuss what you both want from your connection. If your opinions are being stifled and trodden on, then who is not allowing trust?

You’re right to question what the heck having random intercourse with a stranger has to do with trust. If he knew from the outset that you felt that you were submissive, then he also knows that submissives choose, and that they expect to be protected by the dominant that they have selected to care for them.

One of the expected rules of connection is SSC…Safe, Sane and Consensual…can you see anywhere where he’s using those words in his demand for your trust in him? I can’t. This is not a healthy connection, and the red flags are flying.

Get out, and find someone who appreciates you, respects, listens, understands, encourages and is safe. Only then can trust begin to show through, and not until.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with all of the previous comments, In my opinion he’s not a real Dom, or at least not a mature one.
Time and a trusting relationship leads one to submission,and in saying that, only if u want it! Don’t feel forced to do anything u feel uncomfortable with.
He sounds to me like a true narcissist that will use u as a supply then move onto the next novice sub once he’s got what he wants and u have no more to give.
Some people see these kinds of red flags and think it’s a festival. Don’t be one of them.
Cherish your dignity and more importantly your safety.

[Ch****]

RED FLAG GO AWAY

[GoldOzymandias]

Hmm....guy simply blackmailing you and using trust as a leverage. Dump him. You get hurt sooner or later.

[GoldOzymandias]

Owning someone's sexuality and exploiting it without consent are two different things. For me would be a no go but choice is yours.

[DarkArts1066]

As DuchessFeuille has already said - Run.

1. Did this so called Dom discuss boundaries and limits with you - and did you set them together ?

2. No one. No Dom has the right to “demand” that you fuck someone else, and then take photographs to prove that you have done it.
He has used the fight to manipulate you into doing his will.

3. “Submit to you fully”
What does HE mean by this ?

What does this guy do for YOU ?

4. The submissive is always the one in actual control in a D/s relationship, however intimate.
Boundaries are always set together - by both parties.

I believe (with 30 years worth of experience) that his practices are unsafe, and that he is either an abuser - and possibly a narcissist - or at best, a Dom who is starting out, has found you as his willing test subject, and is on completely the wrong path.

Please, take my advice, and disconnect from this person…… for your own safety, well-being and piece of mind.

[ut****]

Hes sounds awful.. its all ego no love..
Go find a better person.

[Deleted Member]

A dom can't demand your submission, it is your choice, when. How far and to whom you submit. The fact that he is trying to force you into something where he will have total control shows that he isn't capable of meeting your needs.

[Ca****]

You are right to be unsure here. Bottom line is that you shouldn't feel forced to do anything you don't want to do. As a couple of others have said, you are an equal partner in a dynamic and just because you might be playing a sub,inside role doesn't mean you don't get the information and assurance you need over what is happening and why. On that note, if this person has approached a dynamic without asking you what you'd want to enjoy from submission, then that would be a big red flag for me. Consent is absolutely 100٪ the most important thing, if someone doesn't care if you are consenting or happy then be worried. If you want to explore bdsm for you then try a local or virtual munch or meet up or a forum like fetlife to get a better understanding of your own wants and needs. You've clearly got concerns on this already, so trust your gut. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[Ta****]

I see nothing but red flags… well except that you correctly asked for advice so kudos for that, everything else here is awful.

[ma****]

Did you consent to being his submissive? If not it’s abuse

[SubQuestioning]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

 

What I'm hearing is:

- Red flags (lots)

- He's skipped important steps in making sure there is consent (thank you for pointing that out, I honestly didn't know because I have nothing to compare it to)

- Know my boundaries and stick to them

- Submission is earned not forced/coerced (🙏)

 

It's a bummer, there were/are a lot of good things. But I appreciate you all keeping my head on straight. Thank you very much.

 

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

The relationship between a submissive and a dominant has to have consent at the heart of it.

Consent is based on trust.

Trust is earnt not demanded. 

He sounds like a prick. 

[Deleted Member]

He can start off with some nice qualities to win you over, and then reveal a narcissistic or gaslighting side.
Submission is earned, not forced/coerced. As a sub you would be a privilege and a gift.

[ic****]

Sounds horrific. I fail to see how the bdsm label makes any difference at all when compared to a vanilla relationship, friends, family etc. We have boundaries in all aspects of our lives and the people within it should respect those.
I think the amount of responses you're getting here along the same vein should tell you all you need to know.

[Da****]

My opinion: Abusive. Keep your submission for someone who has earned it ❤️

[Da****]

Slave agrees 🙂

[Ha****]

The whole story is one huge red flag. I'll keep it short, simple and limit myself to the 2 most engraving red flags. You wrote that he is a self-described BDSM enthusiast, and that he needs you to submit. 1) Any self-respecting and knowledgeable Dom knows that submission is a gift and is voluntary. What your guy needs, wants or demands is completely irrelevant. 2) I also note that he demands, and thus ignores any form of consent.

[ge****]

If, and it's a huge IF you decide to keep seeing this guy, I would suggest you both take a massive step backwards from the D/s thing and sit down and discuss in detail what the dynamic looks like, what your (and his) boundaries are, what the rules are from both perspectives and much much more.

If, and only if you can find agreement and a willingness on his part to respect boundaries and limits then fine - but any sign he's trying to control and have his way then walk away - you hold that power not him.