The Spicy Sads

[funsized_ang]

How do y’all deal with the spicy sads (depression) when you don’t want to talk to anyone and can’t make yourself do it (executive dysfunction), even if you know you’re ignoring a potential Dom you actually like?

[MA****]

Honestly, for me (in reverse roles) I am honest and open with that sub and let them know I suffer from mental health problems and make them aware of the fact I’m struggling. This way if that sub has a problem with it early, you’re aware if that fact early. There’s nothing worse than having a sub/dom that is great in other aspects but not the best or unsupportive when it comes to mental health. Maintaining a healthy dom/sub relationship shouldn’t just be about the sexual aspects but all aspects that way when you’re having your “spicy sad” moments you know that you will be safe within their hands and not taken advantage of or pushed past your limits because those limits will change depending on your mental health level for that day

[He****]

figure out what it is that is making you sad, and maybe treat yourself to something that will make you feel good, if it's another person that has made you sad then just time to heal

[HolyPagan]

My problem is when I'm depressed, I let others know, even potentials. It's an unfortunate part of me that I'm not going to hide and be honest about. Though I'm guessing that's one of the reasons I'm ghosted or ignored. May luck be with you.

[El****]

Self care. And any relationship, especially in this busy era, you're gonna miss some messages, not reply sometimes, it's only natural and people should be able to respect your time accordingly.

[Jo****]

I usually try to *** me to talk with somebody, even about non-kinky stuff. It helps me to open to talk with another people.

[Deleted Member]

Coluracetam and b vitamins

[Deleted Member]

Being open and honest with yourself and the people you might want to play with / talk to.
I'm always willing to listen to why people had to disappear for a while. Sometimes you want to reply but you just can't do it.

[El****]

Yeah even engaging with other people on this level helps. I tend to go on r/Lonely or sad songs on YouTube and talk to people. Realising the shared human experience contextualises our suffering as just something humans do sometimes and they pull through it, inspires me at least to give it all another try.

[Deleted Member]

Lay in bed all day and nap with my doggies.
Masterbaiting,video games, and chocolate.

[un****]

in the reverse role but i let them know i’m going to be gone for awhile get my brother grab a bottle and drink until i no longer feel like adding to certain statistics. yes it is FAR from healthy but it prevents it at least temporarily but i deal with whatever the root cause may be after i don’t feel like adding to statistics it works surprisingly well

[De****]

depression is not real… do things to change the chemical imbalance in your head. Fortify your mental state. Kill your subconscious.

[Cr****]

1 hour ago, baratta99 said:

depression is not real… do things to change the chemical imbalance in your head. Fortify your mental state. Kill your subconscious.

This attitude doesn't help anybody and is the reason male *** statistics are so high.

Recognising when you have a low mood period, learning that the intrusive thoughts are coming from your brain's fight or flight centre shooting out mixed signals and how to ignore them are key.

[El****]

1 hour ago, baratta99 said:

depression is not real… do things to change the chemical imbalance in your head. Fortify your mental state. Kill your subconscious.

Saying it isn't real isn't exactly correct, it's a term for the chemical imbalance. But we could aruge about semantics all day. Truth is he's right on the second part. Heck even eating chocolate can give you the right chems to balance yourself out. Meditation works too!

[ki****]

I have days like that, can barely get out of bed - let alone actually speak to someone and do the social thing... I'm just honest about it with the people i speak to/am friends with. Sometimes I disappear for a few days, taking a MH holiday, and everyone in my life understands and knows I'll get back to them when I'm able to. So, if youre worried about offending/upsetting them, just be honest? Explain that some days life is difficult and you just need the time to care for yourself, anyone worth your time and care will understand.

[ma****]

Therapy is helpful for me, but also taking a break from everything (work, study, hobbies etc) - apart of my little one - until I manage to finally talk about it with close people.

Also, if I chatted to a potential Dom, I'd just be honest about my depression and, if he was genuinely interested in me, he'd be supportive and understanding.

[Deleted Member]

I think everyone is different. When I am making bad decisions, I drink and smoke. However, when I get my head straight enough, I clean up my diet, run/gym, clear out social media accounts from people who I am no longer in contact with or meme pages(basic clutter that isn't or will not lead to rich human interactions) Also I take time away from dating apps/FET because when you have the blues you can easily get sucked into spending hours on your phone and finish your days feeling meaningless and that you have achieved nothing.

Simple goal setting helps too, for me life can be about momentum, a win can lead to another win and then before you know it you are back smelling the roses.

Anyways everyone is different, hang in there

[AKA_Copper]

3 hours ago, baratta99 said:

depression is not real… do things to change the chemical imbalance in your head. Fortify your mental state. Kill your subconscious.

Suggesting mental ill health is not real is dangerous. There is an opposite to everything so, to have good mental health, it stands to reason that there is mental ill health.
.
OP, I think it's a real positive that you've been able to reach out to others here for support.

[Se****]

3 hours ago, baratta99 said:

depression is not real… do things to change the chemical imbalance in your head. Fortify your mental state. Kill your subconscious.

Anyone who knows me knows exactly what I’m going to say here. 

Really?!?!?!

If doing things to “change the chemical imbalance in your head” changes your perspective and you’re no longer depressed then surely the state that you have changed to is also not real. 

Depression is as real as any other illness. However one of the major problems with the illness is its taboo nature and the opinion of others who do not understand it. Further, because it is an unseen illness (in fact for some a disability) people have more difficulty accepting it. 

What type saying is effectively any chemical change or imbalance within our body isn’t real. You realise how that sounds, right??? It means love isn’t real, it means puberty isn’t real, it means lust isn’t real, it means fight or flight isn’t real, it means that menstruation isn’t real need I continue???

Now, OP returning to your question, if possible let the other person know. Tell them what level of contact you’re happy with. Do you want them to continue to message even if you don’t reply or will you contact them when you’re ready? Do you need/want them to try to pull you out of yourself and try to “make” You communicate? Think about what you need before you get to the stage where you can’t verbalise it and talk about it when you’re feeling safe. Unfortunately once you’re in that space I don’t know how or if you can explain it to someone. 

One thing that works for me is that I write (on here and another platform) then I can send someone a link if needs be and ask them to read it and tell me if they have any concerns/questions. 

I hope you manage to work it out. 

[an****]

Depression is serious. Exercise has been proven to be as effective as ***. Go walk around the block once a day for a week. Then do two blocks. Be comfortable. You don’t have to be an Olympian. Get a friend to walk with you. Have a conversation.
Walk in the rain, or snow, or sunshine. Walk in the park. Say hello to someone. Pet a dog. Take a yoga class, or a spin class, or Zumba. https://youtu.be/oRNMgtjPXSE

[AKA_Copper]

I think whilst most of the comments are well intentioned/coming from a good place I sometimes think that telling someone who is experiencing depression to, do exercise/spend time with friends etc is like telling a double amputee to tap dance.
A couple of years ago, I experienced low mood due to stress, disrupted sleep and a couple of other factors and the most simple things like walking the dogs was too much to even think about let alone do. The most I could do was to get dressed and show up for work, present myself to others that I was OK even though I wasn't.
What works for one person won't work for everyone. The brain and mind are too complex for blanket responses and I think what it boils down to is the cause. If you can identify that, then that will likely identify the road to 'recovery' whilst acknowledging that recovery isn't always about returning to the person/functional ability/state that we were previously

[Cr****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

I think whilst most of the comments are well intentioned/coming from a good place I sometimes think that telling someone who is experiencing depression to, do exercise/spend time with friends etc is like telling a double amputee to tap dance.
A couple of years ago, I experienced low mood due to stress, disrupted sleep and a couple of other factors and the most simple things like walking the dogs was too much to even think about let alone do. The most I could do was to get dressed and show up for work, present myself to others that I was OK even though I wasn't.
What works for one person won't work for everyone. The brain and mind are too complex for blanket responses and I think what it boils down to is the cause. If you can identify that, then that will likely identify the road to 'recovery' whilst acknowledging that recovery isn't always about returning to the person/functional ability/state that we were previously

Honestly the best advice I could give is to speak to a therapist. Everyone is different and you need guided help from someone who understands how complex it is

[ey****]

I think one of the problems with any form of depression is that a lot of things we know help often have their own barriers

So good night sleep, balanced diet, exercise, social interactions etc.

So anxiety keeping someone awake doesn't help with sleep.  Nor does a society by which we're squeezed with work time (and travel to work time) which leaves narrow time and then the need for rest.  

Diet - other than eating well often being quite expensive (so prohibitive to someone whose depression might be linked to finances) having a mood too low to cook doesn't really matter if the ingredients are in front of you

Exercise - again, the assumption the someone has access to the time, resources, space, etc.      For example, where I live there is no open space.  The flat complex is tiny so lacks space for most people to do any form of at home work out.  The nearest gym is not accessible by public transport (and, if it was, it'd be £4 travel each time on top of the £30 per month membership) equally if someone's depression has links to low feelings of self worth, or self consciousness, then working out in a public space like a gym, or running round the block of their concrete hellholes is certainly a no no.   Not helped that there are people who are arseholes and would make them feel bad (hecklers at joggers, gym dickheads, etc.)

Social Interactions often cost *** and if someone is feeling low then they may feel that people don't really want to hang out, they're a burden to their friends etc.

 

in any and all of the above the generic answers aren't as helpful as actual mental health support.   

Equally, you can work out, eat well, see friends and still struggle with depression cos it aint black and white.

It's also of course important to recognise that, well, people have different personal circumstances and someone travelling to work, doing a long day and just having a few hours on an evening where they're supposed to eat well, exercise, see friends..... while also having a household to run - oh, and need sleep, is actually a big factor in fuelling depression for some people.  That by the time they get to the weekend they're too knackered for the fun stuff

---

So.

The two trenches should always be.  Communicate with Dom/partner/whoever at least a brief summary of mental health/depression issues and any identified needs.    Try to seek out professional support, which I know has it's own strains.   If you have a loose idea what the issues are, then there are a lot of free guides online or cheap books - try to grab some and see what works and what doesn't.

Also - communicate with your employer!  There might be something they have access to!  Some pay or work with private firms which can be faster than going it alone.  

Setting small and realistic goals to do to either clear jobs or getting into habits.   You can build up if you need be.  Don't try to radically change habits overnight.  

[Nocturne-8767]

As someone who has been on the other side of this, clarity above all. If you disappear and stop responding after it seemed like we might build a dynamic after months of talking, it actually does hurt my feelings. I am quite picky with who I trust enough to be my sub for any extended amount of time, so if it seems like things are going well, and there's a depressive episode cutting contact short that I don't know about, I can't guess why suddenly contact seems lacking, brief, or completely absent. Most of the time when talking to people who might become my sub, I will know about their struggles in life, physical, mental or any other type of issue, but I won't be able to adjust from major contact to sudden silence without knowing what's going on and what they need.

So what I would want a sub to do if they have been talking to me, vetting me while I vet them, or if there's a dynamic present already, and things seem to be going well when they start struggling more with depression, is the following:

- Tell me that there is an issue regarding mental health that will affect the ability to stay in touch for an unknown amount of time, be as specific or vague as you want, you don't need to pour your heart out to everyone, but stating what exactly is going on might be nice in some situations.

-  Tell me what I can expect from them. No contact for some amount of time, short responses, long time between responses, or variation, simply a noticeably low mood or breakdowns, again, can be vague, can be specific, whatever feels safe and comfortable.

- Tell me what they expect from me. Reaching out, waiting until they message me. Do they expect more space for themselves, a listening ear, distraction, or being able to cope with it through the dynamic? The last one is something to be careful about; wouldn't want that to be the only coping mechanism, or have it become an unhealthy coping mechanism. I don't know what I think about using BDSM as a way to vent negative emotions given I'm not informed enough on it.

If I know these things, I am much less likely to feel ignored, overwhelmed, or confused due to the change in needs or lack of up-front communication. 

Of course, the amount of information you want to give someone depends on how well you know them, and what you feel safe with sharing with others in the first place, this isn't the way that everyone might do it, this is simply my own personal preferences. 

I hope that you can benefit from this though, best of luck.

[Li****]

This is a great question and topic to open.🖤
Intrigued on answers myself, as I assume I might have potentially done the same in times I'm just not up for much at all, nevermind discussions