Cuckqueaning, am i overreacting?

[QueenBeeDee]

Hey Folks

I just want to see whether I am overreacting or not as I haven’t been in a situation like this before.

My husband and I spoke about him potentially sleeping with other women and whilst I would like to be there to watch, I mentioned that the idea of knowing all about it and videos/photos could work well too.

Then a few months ago he went off and just slept with a workmate of his. He came home and did not tell me about it until two days later in the car, in passing.

I wasn’t happy and asked him why he would do this? He should have communicated this on the night and at least send me some photos and information about it, because really that was the point for me. I explained to him that I cannot get off on stuff I don’t know about. I also told him for being stupid for doing it with a work mate.

Despite all this, we talked it through and I agreed for him to see her again provided that three rules are abided:

safe sex

no sleep over for her at his hotel or for him at her house

photos, videos, updates

He assured me that these things had be communicated to the woman and when he slept with her again, I got two photos and that was it. No communication or updates before or after. He just did what he wanted to do and I, again caught the short end of the stick.

We talked it through again and I made clear that I may not be happy for him to have sex with her again on his own until I have met her.

He set up a group chat for all of us and we arranged a threesome too which is was fun.

Unfortunately though on the day of the threesome I found out about him having broken my rule. She slept over the last time and he blatantly lied about it rather than admitting to his mistake.

I told him that I need to rebuild trust and will think about him sleeping with her again without me being there. I said I might not be comfortable with it and demanded that any communication from her outside the group chat needs to be communicated with me. I also made clear (and so did he at the time) to her that all communication about meet ups and sex should be on the group chat.

I went overseas and can just assume that he didn’t see her during this time but when I got back I found out that she tried to meet up with him by sending him a private message. He declined but still didn’t tell me about the messages which defeats the rules of open communication I have in place.

Fast forward, I told him before he was travelling for work again that I am no longer comfortable with them meeting up without me being there to watch after his conduct.

He ignored me for the rest of the evening but agreed and I’ve sent her a very nice message. I took a lot of time to write it as not to upset her.

Through work last night, they had drinks and the conversation came up. He couldn’t tell me who brought it up as, apparently, he can’t remember.

She told him that she doesn’t understand my position as she told me that she doesn’t have feelings for my husband. She also told him that she was really looking forward to sleeping with him again but accepts my position.

He was apologetic and said that it is what it is. Now she obviously assumes that I am the difficult and jealous wife and he played right into it it seems and even had a go at me last night on the phone saying “what does it all matter”…?

To me, it would have been nice if he actually made an effort to take my side and clear things up.

Perhaps rather than engaging in the spiel of "I don't understand it because I told her I am not interested in your husband" and jealous wife theory, he could have clarified that the main issue with the arrangement that he failed to communicate enough for this to work and thus, for now, I want to be present or be a part of it as it is to turn me on as well.
Not just them. We are doing this for the both of us and I literally caught the short end of the stick several times now because he didn't engage in communication with me and broke my rules. Now that would have been a good explanation rather than saying "it is what it is"...

I feel like the doormat and if he says one more time that this was all about me and my desires then he is lying to himself because I can't get off on stuff he doesn’t tell me about.

I also found out that in the past he tried to make arrangements to meet up with a couple to sleep with their wife without telling me about trying to make these arrangements.

I am seriously gutted and I don’t know if I am overreacting as all I wanted was communication and some sort of engagement. Now I am labelled the jealous wife and he even plays into it albeit knowing that this was never how we had intended this to pan out.

I am his wife but he’s clearly more concerned with the feeling of the other woman. The fact that he doesn’t support my position when talking to her makes me furious. I feel backstabbed. He should have stood up for me and explain to her exactly why it won’t work. It’s not jealousy as such. It’s the lack of transparency and communication from his side that simply makes me uncomfortable. It’s the not knowing what’s happening that bothers me and I explained this to him many times.

I am honestly considering a break from everything. I don’t know how I can now be intimate with him if he shows such a lack of interest and me and my feelings.

Thoughts? Thanks xxx

[No****]

I am sorry that happened to you. Long story short: he broke consent. You had a consensual agreement about non monogamy and he broke it. Whatever else he says is him being defensive and finding excuses. You guys negotiated and agreed upon rules for it and he neglected them. Several times. Which is a pretty big red flag and indicator for future actions to be honest. It sounds like he wanted non monogamy so he could do whatever he wanted without having to explain to you. And that he is not into ethical non monogamy as a lifestyle, but he just wants to sleep around and do his thing.

[De****]

I totally agree with Noctris. You are in no way whatsoever overreacting, your husband has betrayed your trust and ignored your conditions of consent. As for her, she's clearly happy to follow your husband's lead in abusing your trust so I don't think you should be in any way concerned about what she thinks. They both need to learn some respect by the sound of it

[ge****]

Another one in the you're not overreacting pot - from all you've said he's taken your "permission" to meet with others as carte blanche to do whatever he likes and totally disregard any boundaries or agreements that are in place and that's all completely wrong.
.
For a situation like this to truly work, it needs open and honest communication by all and respect of all boundaries put in place - if none of that happens then it's only going to result in *** and the kind of feelings you're experiencing OP.
.
I'd pull the plug on his "permission" immediately and concentrate on your relationship with him for a while - and make it clear that until he has regained your trust that any notion of him sleeping with others is strictly off limits.

[QXX666]

He clearly doesn’t understand the lifestyle or he just chose to ignore it and that’s a concern for you. How can you trust him now that he will never do it again.
You have done something very difficult to do by giving your consent to see another women but he decided it was a free pass for fuck whenever.
It’s time for you to have a hard discussion about your future as a couple because I can tell you right now he will never stop cheating on you.
I am sorry that your fantasy turned into a nightmare

[Ar****]

You're not overreacting. You agreed upon a course of action, he went off and did his own thing, has lied about what he's done, has not considered you or how you feel - you are very clearly right to be annoyed and upset.

[jo****]

Rules are rules and if you didn’t follow the rules how would he feel so you not wrong in anyway

[Fy****]

Having an open relationship and calling them "my rules" implies you both haven't talked seriously about this whole thing.

[ke****]

Fynnx I think she means boundaries and is using rules as a synonym.

[Ya****]

You are not overreacting. Clearly there’s been a breach of trust… Seems to me like it was a bit selfish on his end and the way you put it, that he just wants the liberty to go around. The kink aspect of it may be a bit lost on him? And I can understand, I’d be very upset if my partner didn’t weigh my wishes/needs in as we agree to specific rules. So nope, not overreacting 🙃.
Hope it all falls back in line and you get to enjoy his escapades too!

[Deleted Member]

He’s taking advantage.

[Pa****]

I don’t like this at all. Trust is a huge factor in the world of kink. And for someone like me it’s as plain as this. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I don’t know the full dynamic between you two but it seems to me he doesn’t quite understand what it does for you. There is a possibility he may never understand he might say he does but he doesn’t. His actions are showing that. It’s that or he just doesn’t care.

[Je****]

He straight up cheated on you. Both of them are lying and gaslighting you.
Ditch his ass. This is only going to get much much worse.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you Jen. For putting it so much more eloquently

[Je****]

Just now, milwaukee35736 said:

Thank you Jen. For putting it so much more eloquently

Just reading this i was breaking my own heart for her. 

I have been in situations of dishonesty and it never ever works out well.  

She deserves better.

[Chloebear]

You are not overreacting. The rules and openness are there for a reason. As much as cucking, it seems like he wants a poly or even open relationship? But the need for openness and communication remains the same. Without that, it is disrespectful and, essentially, what is the difference from cheating?

I wonder a couple of things: if she has no attachment, why is she resisting ending the arrangement? I think this would make me feel uneasy along with the communication issues mentioned. Second, how would he react if the roles were reversed? How would he feel in your shoes? It might be worth him thinking this through.

Ultimately, consent is everything and your consent was not respected here as boundaries were broken. It feels less like jealousy and more like a justified reaction to that. Hope you can move forward with it.

[Deleted Member]

It has to be mutual for you both with boundaries and rules. When I used to Cuck couples we all met before anything happened and 

[Hermes4u]

Personally I think you have given him the green light to do as he pleases. Sorry to say this.

[Chloebear]

3 hours ago, Hermes4u said:

Personally I think you have given him the green light to do as he pleases. Sorry to say this.

It’s important to understand that in situations like this, the go ahead is ONLY within certain boundaries and agreement. If anything is done outside of that, there is no green light to proceed. Wanting to be able to make a situation work and giving someone chances are just being human… I feel moreso an open approach has been deliberately taken advantage of in this situation.

[Ta****]

13 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Another one in the you're not overreacting pot - from all you've said he's taken your "permission" to meet with others as carte blanche to do whatever he likes and totally disregard any boundaries or agreements that are in place and that's all completely wrong.
.
For a situation like this to truly work, it needs open and honest communication by all and respect of all boundaries put in place - if none of that happens then it's only going to result in *** and the kind of feelings you're experiencing OP.
.
I'd pull the plug on his "permission" immediately and concentrate on your relationship with him for a while - and make it clear that until he has regained your trust that any notion of him sleeping with others is strictly off limits.

I second this. He broke the agreement (multiple times), and until he understands what he did wrong and that this is every bit as much for you as it is for him, he should not be permitted to see this woman again. Frankly, I wouldn’t fault you if you told him maybe another time, with someone else, but as far as this particular other woman is concerned, that door is permanently closed. Sadly, sometimes that’s the only way people learn.

[Dy****]

He doesn't want to follow rules, he wants to do what he wants. He doesn't respect you. And secondly, it is clear from the communication coming from the other woman, she views this scenario as a competition she must win, not a relationship she has to cooperatively participate in.

What you do with this information is up to you. I would recommend a marriage counselor that specializes in kink oriented relations.

[QXX666]

On 5/25/2023 at 12:28 PM, Fynnx said:

Having an open relationship and calling them "my rules" implies you both haven't talked seriously about this whole thing.

I don’t think you understand the cuckold dynamic and she also made it clear from the start about the agreement. 
And even in an open relationship there are rules and agreements. 

[Mi****]

You made what you wanted clear. So did he. You guys formed an agreement and he lied multiple times and failed to uphold to that agreement multiple times. I say take that break

[dp****]

I think your marriage might be over babe, can’t really come back from that and it sounds like he has wanted to do this for a while, something has been missing in this relationship for a while.

[xLittle_Lady_of_Lotx]

No I don't think you're overreacting at all. You both discussed and decided about having the 3rd involved at beginning. That bond, trust and communication should have been followed throughout but it wasn't and not at fault of yours either. From what I read, I think that the rules around this were seen as something to follow as when by your partner and took advantage. Now that you're calling him out on his misbehaviour which has in turn broken your trust with him, well let's just say you shouldn't be told you're overreacting!! I understand completely why you feel betrayed. Now is the time to heal. To heal yourself and eachother. I hope you both find your solutions. Take care x