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Doms and planning


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Hi all-

New here and new to being a formal "Dom" in general, so apologies for any mis-steps.  A little background, I (40 cis man) and my partner (40 cis woman) have been together in a closed relationship for over 10 years.  In my past relationships the power dynamic was relatively equal and sexualities overall were a match, so things happened relatively organically.  My current partner is a sub, but a fragile one.  I can (I believe) assume the role of a good, healthy Dom but I'm definitely in need of a sounding board and feedback.

Regarding explicit acts (everyone wants juice details), it's a bit irrelevant in our case because I believe much of the fucking is happening in the brain.  Through the years she's pretty much "done everything" I've asked of her, ticked the boxes, but the itch just doesn't seem to get scratched.  I've come to the realization that she's been offering herself to be taken (for my satisfaction) but because of my own hang-ups, insecurities, inability to seize the moment I can't be satisfied.  The problem, in plain language, is I want her to want it.  What's "it?"  Anything, everything.  Gag her.  Fuck her rough.  Put it in her ass.  Cum on her face.  I want her to *want me to* XYZ to her.  But I know she doesn't really want it, it's for me.  But I can't seem to get past that mental block; so she ends up doing everything I ask but I'm still frustrated and unsatisfied.  

Could a more formal, explicit (outlined) "relationship" help?  From a consent this will of course be addressed formally but I don't plan to include any acts she hasn't consented to before (multiple times).  I have designs that a formalized "BDSM" relationship could help relieve some tension.  Much of the tools and toys we already own but they're used in an inconsistent fashion.  And that's part of why I'm here, to ask for advice.

From what I understand (and knowing us, how it would have to work), there is/must be a great deal of planning to be a Dom.  In order to help her (and myself) achieve the goal of any Lesson (in my mind I'm no Master and she a slave; rather, I'm a Teacher and she's my student) she must be able to completely relax and give in.  Her mind must be consumed by and only by what I am feeding her.  That means I must be in complete control of the situation, at all times.  I must have a plan and a back up plan to every possibility of every scenario.  I must have a...purpose, a point to every encounter.  It can't be "just to get off" because then it's just...sex.  I mean, my mind is already consumed by sex but I can't possibly accomplish the above can I?  How do you do it?

I don’t see in your post that you’ve already talked about this with your partner - that seems like it should be step number one. If she has zero interest in being ‘led’ to a mindset which brings her fulfillment/enjoyment then any structure you’d seek to implement won’t be successful. Likewise, if she can’t identify what *she* needs then any relationship agreement is going to be one-sided in the same way you already have issues with.

you can't make someone want anything

but you can ask what she specifically wants

I think you’re overthinking it.
Yes things take planning, organising, setting up, laying stuff out etc but equally things don’t always go to plan and you need to be able to laugh about mistakes or awkward moments, it’s not all completely serious, it requires a big sense of humour.
We never stop learning, so regardless of how experienced someone is, or how many hangups we have, we are still learning together.
With regards to finding out whether your partner is happy to go ahead with acts rather than doing it for you, sit down and draw up some negotiations & limits & think about scenes. You need to both be completely honest about what you would and wouldn’t do otherwise resentment can build.
If she enjoys doing something for you, it doesn’t mean to say she’s not also getting pleasure out of it. You just both need to be completely open.
Maybe look at going to club together, not necessarily to join in with others, but as a bit of an eye-opener.
And remember most scenes never pan out as you plan them so having a back up plan for every scenario is just going to cause stress. Have a plan and go along with what happens.
You say you need a purpose and a point to every encounter…. Your purpose is to build a Dom/sub relationship with clear boundaries, start doing that, and the rest should follow adding in new scenes, new toys, new limits, new kinks and fetishes and learning along the way.
But more than anything, start, relaxing into your roles and just having fun.
I feel like what slot of people fail to realize within the dom/dub relationship although it may feel or look like the Dom has the power and control. It is however actually the sub who has full control. If she did not "want" you to do these things then quite frankly she wouldn't let you.

Communication is key.
7 minutes ago, Mzpaynie said:

It is however actually the sub who has full control.

No it isn't - BOTH have full control. it's a power exchange, not a dictatorship.

5 hours ago, GoldStandard42 said:

But I know she doesn't really want it, it's for me.  But I can't seem to get past that mental block; so she ends up doing everything I ask but I'm still frustrated and unsatisfied.  

This was exactly the situation I had several years ago. We'd been friends for a number of years before she discovered my kinky side. She started to explore the scene but her heart wasn't in it - and I could tell she was only doing it to make herself "tick my boxes" rather than doing it because she wanted to. Because of that, I couldn't dominate her, it just felt forced and unnatural to me so I simply refused and moved on. Sometimes you've got to be willing to recognise and admit "this isn't working" and then look for a solution. Now that doesn't mean you have to walk away from a 10 year relationship, but perhaps there are other solutions like getting your needs met elsewhere (ethically of course). 

I don't envy your position, I've been there and it's not easy - so good luck!


the "sub has the control" thing is one of those myths that will not die.  It's also a fairly dangerous myth.    Like, put a sub into subspace, then do something you're unsure if they'll like - and then they later tell you, no, they didn't like it and it's "Oh, but you were in control you could safeword any time blah blah" and it's bollocks - it's also an absolve of responsibility. 

there are lots of tools to the disposal of the submissive but the Dominant is the one who ultimately has control.

If a sub says "I want to do x, y and z" today - then the Dominant can elect to do all 3. But might only do one or two.

If a sub says "I don't want to do a, b or c today" then of course the Dominant must respect that.  But also, the Dominant can elect not to play at all.

The sub can stop a scene via safeword. But the Dominant can, and should, stop the scene at ANY TIME.  Either their own comfort levels. Because they feel it's time. Or simply that they haven't had a safeword but feel it's gone far enough for now.

The Dominant should be aware that the submissive may not want to safeword or may not be able to - and should consider that and take control accordingly.

Whilst also a sub may do activities they don't enjoy by choice, for their Dominant, it's also important for the Dominant to be aware of this and to - ahem - control - to help manage their enjoyment levels.

Like, example... say I had a sub who would do anything I asked. So each day, each play time, I took a blowjob and/or foot job, played with her feet - and maybe a couple of other things and this fictitious sub knows I like it when her feet are sweaty so puts in effort to do this for me but doesn't really enjoy that part, they feel uncomfortable but know I like it.  I have control. I can have her do this every day - but if I know she doesn't really enjoy one element of it then I can choose to mix things up, or offer some form of reward/incentive or do things which ultimately means the enjoyment in doing-this-for-me is there.  


Hm...so the responses are helpful but don't quite address the specific issue.  I'll give an example (and there is no  child/parent fetish, age play or that stuff this is just an example to help w/ power dynamics and responsibilities)

Let's say you're babysitting your nephew.  You ask what they want to do today.  8 year old says go to the carnival.  You guys go to the carnival.  Play every game ride every ride.  At end of the day you drop him off w/ his parents and he says his day "sucked."  You're like WTF I did everything you asked w/ a smile how did the day suck?

That's the scenario.  My sub (the babysitter) is available to play, says she's available for XYZ tonight and I can choose whatever I want (and this is after conversations about limits and etc in a non sexual setting).  When presented with said "offering" I can't seem to scratch my own itch.  So over time the babysitter gets pissed off any doesn't want to babysit anymore because no matter what she does, the 8 year old isn't having fun.

People have said, it's not about me, it's about her.  Very true and I understand.  However in our specific context, the "it's about her" actually functionally boils down to it being "about me."  The reason being is "regular sex" is 100% satisfactory to her.  She's said so for years and indicated no desire to change.  We've found what she needs and mostly vanilla with a few toppings.  But regular sex is not satisfying to me and she is aware.  As my normal life partner and sexual partner her desire is to satisfy me, to put my mind at peace.  So when she says things like "just take me" she's communicating that she wants ME to be satisfied.

Does any of that make sense?



it may be you have to be happy she is doing what you ask

or it may be a deeper conversation that - you don't feel she's really happy and that you don't necessarily want/need service with a smile - but that it's not going to work if she's not really happy 


...and this fictitious sub knows I like it when her feet are sweaty so puts in effort to do this for me but doesn't really enjoy that part, they feel uncomfortable but know I like it.  I have control. I can have her do this every day - but if I know she doesn't really enjoy one element of it then I can choose to mix things up, or offer some form of reward/incentive or do things which ultimately means the enjoyment in doing-this-for-me is there.  

Ok thank you, this is getting a little closer to the meat of the issue.  In my/our particular example (taking into account all aspects of our relationship, sexual, power, financial, out of bedroom; Us as whole people) the reward/incentive is OUTSIDE of the bedroom.  Real world example: she wants another cat.  I don't want another cat.  I will likely relent and "allow her" to get another cat but that's not (just) want she wants.  She wants me to want to get another cat and care for the animal with love and a smile (FWIW we have another cat I didn't initially want and I love her more than anyone else in the family and I don't abuse it so yea let that part go), NOT just get a cat because she wants it.

So the power dynamic in our relationship works in that sort of way.  Out of the bedroom she expresses more opinions and makes me act as the gatekeeper.  In the bedroom I express more opinions and make her act as the gatekeeper.  Typical  (maybe maybe not) power dynamics don't seem to exist here (or if they do I don't know how to interpret them).

Me trying to "get my reward" in the bedroom feels detached from "giving her her reward" outside of the bedroom and I seem to have difficulty getting those ideas to mesh.

It makes me conclude, I need to "man up" in a non-misogynistic way.  My kinks and needs don't always need to be acted upon, if anything I prefer to have tension build up outside of the bedroom, but only if they can be released (in a specific sort of way which depends on the day) in the bedroom.  My belief/proposal is that when such tension builds up to negative levels, rather than fumbling through a half baked sexual escapade by fulfilling needs "on the fly" wouldn't/couldn't a structured "Session" be helpful?


Proposed idea (some based in reality, some just for example):

[Normal days, non bedroom dynamics, "vanilla" bedroom dynamics.  Stress/tension levels normal.  Balancing kids/life/jobs, etc.]

[On bad days "Tension" rises to unacceptable levels, both partners agree and determine something needs to be done to bring peace to the home. The Tension is usually carried by me.]

Class is in Session

Teacher: I've been disappointed in your blowjob technique lately.  It's gotten lazy and you are swallowing too much of your saliva.  Don't worry, you have not failed to please me, rather I have failed to instruct you.  Our Lesson will correct that today. 

*Insert ring gag*

Proceed w/ Lesson

Lesson ends; debrief/aftercare.


In the past, the scenario would result in "hey you seem stressed you want a blowjob?"  And she's suck me off and I'd orgasm but it wasn't *exactly how I wanted it.*  It seems that my base personality is such that I can't won't demand such specific sex acts.  I want her to intuit what I want and to do it.  That's unfair (especially if unaware/untrained, right?).  However, by entering into a formalized, "play" scenario I am able to dissociate.

The problem is me. 

Has anyone else encountered this sort of situation?  

You mentioned she’s fragile. Without being specific what do you mean? Trauma, mental health, psychological issues? You might need to address that.
We can only give opinions on here but this is something you need to discuss seriously with her. The fact that she’s not responding well to your “needs” raised some underlying relationship issues. She’s not a slave and even in that type of Ds, the slave flourish and grow stronger, she is literally the submissive but without kink. She submit without enjoying it.
So with a good talk you might learn something she wanted for long time and didn’t dare to ask because she put your need before hers or might be worried about your reaction.

Good questions/points.  So by "fragile" I mean she has self esteem issues.  She's afraid of being undesired, unworthy, unreliable.  With that said, we are going on our 13th year of actively addressing her self esteem (and my mental health) issues and she's shining brighter than she ever has before.  So, I'm very certain her being at her "peak" consenting to all of my desires, and still yet somehow not "satisfying" me is not at all helping her self esteem.  Anyway, I think I got enough of an answer that I needed, thanks.

Have you tried games… describing several would be too long to type but I can send some links. Chastity games… edging… you are on the right track if you two are communicating. Keep doing that. Many won’t tell you exactly what they want upfront. Especially women. Keep asking. Ask other ways. Edging has always worked in my dynamic. And always always create a safe place for her. I don’t just mean sexually but emotionally and in everything. The safer a woman feels the more they eventually open up.
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