Earning Ones Shield

[Re****]

What right gives you or me or anyone to call oneself a

Dom if you have not proven it. Talk is cheap and costumes are often found at Halloween parties not just here in this world.

I feel I've earned my shield. Still...what does that really mean? How does one do that?

[Deleted Member]

Inquiring minds would like to know. What does that mean to you? How do you feel you've earned it? What does "proving it" look like to you?

[Da****]

Well you’ve felt you have earner yours so you should know?
Feels like you’re just desperate for attention here honestly…

[Ma****]

The problem is too many people read or watch erotica or porn and think that's what the lifestyle is. But to be a good dom is the understanding of fundamental principles like ssc and rack. Understanding that everyone has limits and it's our duty to respect and strive not to hit or pass those limits. Understanding that aftercare when a session is done is necessary. But also understanding that as a Dominant we are merely human and also experience dom drop where we too need aftercare.

[Em****]

Talk is cheap. That’s exactly it. 🤍

[Deleted Member]

everyones experience is different and theirs alone why does it matter if they have earned it?

[Ja****]

Yeah, there is a reason that there is no checklist or exam or a definitive guide to being a dom. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. And I think a good dom (or a good partner in general) enters into a relationship without a preconceived notion of what one should be. There is no finish line. There is always room for growth and improvement.

[Deleted Member]

Why does your profile say you label yourself a sub? That's the polar opposite of a Dom. What a strangely nonsensical post.

[Sp****]

I think it all boils down to Legacy. The impression of those who are associated with You. You can call Yourself a “Dominant” all day long, but sticking feathers up your a** does not make you a chicken.

Before anyone gets huffy and cries “There aren’t any rules! I shouldn’t have to care what other people think”… Yes there f**king are, and yes you f**king should.

How are You regarded by Your submissives, both current and former? I’m sure Your current partner(s) will think you’re the dog’s bollocks, but if a good number of your ex-partners think you’re a shit Dominant, You are at least partially are.

How are You esteemed by members of the community? Once again, not everyone gets along, but there are Dominants I know, that I don’t like, but *do* respect.

Dedication to the “craft” of Dominance. Do You strive to improve yourself when/wherever possible? Do You own your mistakes (yes even Doms make them ), are you respectful to your submissive partners and fellow Dominants? Are You accountable for your actions, and actively use mistakes to “do better” and grow, going forward?

IMO- If you can say that you’ve done (and continue to do) things like these above You can pretty much feel comfortable in the knowledge you’ve “made your bones”

[Sp****]

59 minutes ago, JackAndSarah said:

Yeah, there is a reason that there is no checklist or exam or a definitive guide to being a dom. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. And I think a good dom (or a good partner in general) enters into a relationship without a preconceived notion of what one should be. There is no finish line. There is always room for growth and improvement.

A D/s relationship is the result of negotiation, informed consent, and trust. Everyone entering into one should absolutely have this as a preconceived notion. This may work for vanilla dating (and even then…) but something as structured as D/s relationship should at least have core tenets for EVERY case.

And no, there is no checklist or exam for being a “Dominant” which is why countless novice submissives are duped into abusive, misogynistic, one sided “relationships” by men (mostly) whose idea of Dominance is at best skewed by unrealistic porn, and at worst a thinly veiled pretence for domestic abuse, toward submissives who may not have the experience to realize they’re nowhere near being an actual Dominant before it’s way too late.

So perhaps a checklist or exam would be a perfect idea!

Food for thought?

[Sp****]

1 hour ago, SlevenWolf said:

everyones experience is different and theirs alone why does it matter if they have earned it?

Would you rather have your parachute packed by someone who has “earned” the qualification, or someone who says he’s qualified because “his experience was different and his alone”?

I know *My* answer.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, Spiral66 said:

Would you rather have your parachute packed by someone who has “earned” the qualification, or someone who says he’s qualified because “his experience was different and his alone”?

I know *My* answer.

Just wanted to thank you for sharing correct information & being a voice of reason here. Hopefully the new people are listening.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, MasterSoulz said:

The problem is too many people read or watch erotica or porn and think that's what the lifestyle is. But to be a good dom is the understanding of fundamental principles like ssc and rack. Understanding that everyone has limits and it's our duty to respect and strive not to hit or pass those limits. Understanding that aftercare when a session is done is necessary. But also understanding that as a Dominant we are merely human and also experience dom drop where we too need aftercare.

Word brother.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Spiral66 said:

I think it all boils down to Legacy. The impression of those who are associated with You. You can call Yourself a “Dominant” all day long, but sticking feathers up your a** does not make you a chicken.

Before anyone gets huffy and cries “There aren’t any rules! I shouldn’t have to care what other people think”… Yes there f**king are, and yes you f**king should.

How are You regarded by Your submissives, both current and former? I’m sure Your current partner(s) will think you’re the dog’s bollocks, but if a good number of your ex-partners think you’re a shit Dominant, You are at least partially are.

How are You esteemed by members of the community? Once again, not everyone gets along, but there are Dominants I know, that I don’t like, but *do* respect.

Dedication to the “craft” of Dominance. Do You strive to improve yourself when/wherever possible? Do You own your mistakes (yes even Doms make them ), are you respectful to your submissive partners and fellow Dominants? Are You accountable for your actions, and actively use mistakes to “do better” and grow, going forward?

IMO- If you can say that you’ve done (and continue to do) things like these above You can pretty much feel comfortable in the knowledge you’ve “made your bones”

Yep 👍

[Deleted Member]

I’ll quote Spock: “It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame-of-reference.”

[Deleted Member]

"Talk is cheap" you say, boasting with nothing but talk. I'll be real this reads like you're asking for yourself how you earn your stripes but are too insecure to show the humility that'd require.

[Br****]

That’s honestly a really good question and I can’t really think of a good answer. I feel like the way I judge myself is how other members of the community see me as a Dom. I’m always the one people trust to try new things, I’ve been trusted enough to teach a couple small classes, I have been asked to watch over other peoples play sessions when it’s something they aren’t knowledgeable in. I feel like to me being respected by the kink community is my own validation as a Dom.

[ad****]

10 hours ago, Spiral66 said:

A D/s relationship is the result of negotiation, informed consent, and trust. Everyone entering into one should absolutely have this as a preconceived notion. This may work for vanilla dating (and even then…) but something as structured as D/s relationship should at least have core tenets for EVERY case.

And no, there is no checklist or exam for being a “Dominant” which is why countless novice submissives are duped into abusive, misogynistic, one sided “relationships” by men (mostly) whose idea of Dominance is at best skewed by unrealistic porn, and at worst a thinly veiled pretence for domestic abuse, toward submissives who may not have the experience to realize they’re nowhere near being an actual Dominant before it’s way too late.

So perhaps a checklist or exam would be a perfect idea!

Food for thought?

Absolutely. There's a difference between being dominant as a personality characteristic, being dominant in a kink or BDSM scenario and being a BDSM lifestyle Dom. I try to be clear in my profile about who I am and what I can offer on both kinky date and ltr so that if I meet someone through this app there's a greater chance of it being a good match for both parties. A well thought out labelling test would help everyone I think and I'd certainly find it easier if more people put more detail in their profile about who they are and what they're looking for.

I used to be a HR DA lead for a major employer, I wasn't allowed to bring the points you raise into conversation, yet it's vitally important and under researched. I'm always happy to take on anyone new or unsure for friendship/guidance by phone or by coffee catch ups, if I can't offer someone what they want or need I can at least help them stay safe while they find it

[DarkArts1066]

Interesting. I’m curious as to how you might go about ‘proving yourself’ - without the ‘talk’ ? ….
Personally, entering into a prolonged dialogue with someone is the entry level approach for any kink based (or any other) relationship. It’s the ‘paper sift’ for starters, where you both have the opportunity to politely say “no thanks, you are not for me”.

As for your costumes remark. We all choose to display our colours according to how we feel, and how we project. This is a visual reference point, at which we can decide if we want to engage with a person, and if their ‘colours’ match - or compliment our own.

May I respectfully ask how you yourself have ‘earned your shield’ as you put it ?
I am
Curious as to how your approach might differ from my own.

[ey****]

here's the simple take

you believe you've "earned your shield" - other people who call themselves Dominant believe they've earned theirs.

 

and, really,  you're likely jumping to conclusions on what they have/haven't done whilst doing little to demonstrate your own worthiness 

 

it's just horrific gatekeeping 

[1C****]

What more can be said? I think the last 3 comments have said it all, and I thank them for the ease they've put my mind at.

[Re****]

I've been in a couple of relationships with women who were subs prior to our getting together and I was appalled at how badly their self esteem was damaged and at the same time how child like they appeared at times.

Women with attachment disorders are a common thread I see among those naturally attracted to me and I want to tap into this become the Dom that I have perceived as being.

Earning one's shield......manhood is not just a age we reach, it's not just the process of puberty and beyond. Manhood is a shield to be earned sometimes and im talking about how a faces conflict, fear, potential threat and how views the sub concept as an overall role.

I realize some of my problems with women in the past is that I expected to be a Dom....and with some high expectations which is not a bad thing.

This is chance for me to become more of something that been there all along.

Maybe my view is different than others concerning the Earning one's shield. The 18 years I spent in prison is my story and the fact that I became a better man once I got out. Never was in a gang but had numerous fighting with out weapons Cades.

I want to build on that.....not violent or threatening but use it the right way. I'm girl crazy forever

[Ae****]

I'd offer the idea, don't take it so seriously. At a certain point is seriousness, this whole thing can start to be a bit silly.

[Re****]

Thanks.......I've noticed that silliness is in no short supply. Haven't quite figured out what all the rejection is about.

[ey****]

in the olden days

there wasn't (and still isn't) any form of standardisation on what made someone a particular role - and different communities worked in different ways.  A lot of the kinda "earning" and "rank" was more common in predominantly ex-military parts of the kink community

Because of the lack of standardisation - if you "earned" a symbol or title in one localised community, it was still completely meaningless and/or unrecognised to another.  So you couldn't just rock up to another community and say "I'm Lord Master *whoever*" because they don't know you from dirt

So the whole process of earning begins again.  Of course perhaps some elements quicker if you can already demonstrate certain skills or experience, but you still have to earn trust.

You can't expect people to take what you claim you've "earned" seriously without basis, especially if you're already demonstrating that you judge others who you deem to be unproven.

Nowadays, community is still important but perhaps, less-so compared to previous years - you still couldn't rock up somewhere you were unknown and claim a bunch of things you've earned and expect it to be taken without question.

But, really, the only real thing worth earning is the trust of your sub/play-partner/partner/etc.  and that should never be taken on just someone's word.